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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

AP: Garciaparra Rescues Two Women in Boston

Not past a diving Garciaparra?

Former Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra rescued two women who had fallen into Boston Harbor late last week, his uncle and a witness told the Boston Herald.

Garciaparra, traded to the Chicago Cubs on July 31, 2004, was with his uncle in his Charlestown condominium at about 10 p.m. Friday when they heard a scream and a splash, said the uncle, Victor Garciaparra.

As soon as the All-Star shortstop and two-time American League batting champ ran out the door to help the woman, her friend also fell in, hitting her head on the pier, said Victor Garciaparra, who oversees his nephew’s business and charitable ventures.

Thanks to ess eff

Repoz Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:42 AM | 661 comment(s)
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201. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:38 PM (#1679174)

If Cap Anson had been there, he would have yelled at Nomar to get those women out of the water. Unless they were Black, of course.

202. The Man "With the Terrible Smell" Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:39 PM (#1679176)

Re: Tom Mees and Jon Delaney.

I plan on teaching my kids to swim before they can speak.

203. Obo Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:40 PM (#1679179)

If Joe DiMaggio had been there he would have hustled because "there might be somebody out there that's never seen me rescue women."

204. Repoz Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:40 PM (#1679182)

If John Sterling had been there...it never would have happened.

THEY ARE HIGH, THEY ARE FAR...they hit the damn pier.

205. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:42 PM (#1679184)

Corey Koskie would have been there, but he was on the disabled list.

206. Orin Incandenza Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:42 PM (#1679186)

If Dwight Gooden had been there, he'd still be on the run.

207. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:43 PM (#1679187)

Pascual Perez would have been there, but he got lost on the freeway.

208. Dread Pirate Dave Roberts Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:43 PM (#1679189)

If Peter Gammons were there, he would have jumped in and saved those women, and Mike Crudale.

209. Cabbage Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:44 PM (#1679190)

If General Fransisco Franco had been there, they would all still be dead.

210. H. Vaughn Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:45 PM (#1679191)

If Billy Sunday had been there, he would have saved them twice.

211. Filliam H Muffman (Charles S) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:45 PM (#1679192)

If Peter Gammons were there, he would have jumped in and saved those women, and Mike Crudale.

And they would have asked him to autograph a $20 bill.

212. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:50 PM (#1679209)

If FOX was there they'd cut to commercial just as Garciaparra emerged from the water with the women.

Best Regards

John

213. Paul DepoProvera Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:51 PM (#1679212)

If FOX was there they'd cut to commercial just as Garciaparra emerged from the water with the women.

And one of the women would have been the daughter of the District Attorney!

214. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:53 PM (#1679216)

If Fred Lynn were there he wouldn't rescue the women because he just didn't feel up to it today.

215. rb's team is dancing! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:53 PM (#1679217)

No, if FOX was there, nomar would have already been in bed by the time the women were in the water.

But they would have an underwater camera set up to catch all of the action.

216. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:53 PM (#1679219)

And one of the women would have been the daughter of the District Attorney!

Maybe they can get Nomar to join their Girls Bluc.

217. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:55 PM (#1679223)

If Earl Weaver were there, he'd point out that if you play to rescue one woman, that's all you'll get.

218. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:59 PM (#1679228)

If Jack Keefe had been there..

Nah, I would rather let the master speak for himself.

219. Pastor Toastman (PH) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 12:59 PM (#1679229)

If Ron Kittle were there, we would've known about this a lot earlier.

220. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:00 PM (#1679230)

If Earl Weaver were there, he'd point out that if you play to rescue one woman, that's all you'll get.

Priceless.

221. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:00 PM (#1679231)

If Dave Dravecky were there he would swim circles around the women....literally.

(and once again I punch my first class ticket to hell)

Best Regards

John

222. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:01 PM (#1679234)

If meatwad were there the women would be royally screwed.

If Jack Vincennes were there the women could expect a little foreplay first.

Best Regards

John

223. Repoz Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:03 PM (#1679236)

If Bill Singer had been there, he would have made gurgling sounds.

224. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:03 PM (#1679239)

If Paul Waner had been there, he would have rescued the women in the middle.

Take that, Will Young! :-)

225. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:04 PM (#1679244)

O.K. Repoz just joined Kirby and Moe Jorgan with #223.

Best Regards

John

226. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:06 PM (#1679246)

If Jackie Robinson had rescued those women, Ben Chapman would have been yelling racial epithets at him the whole time.

227. Kirby Kyle Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:07 PM (#1679248)

Grady Little just arrived at the site to see if anyone needed to be pulled out.

228. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:08 PM (#1679249)

If Scott Podsednik had been there he would try to pull the women out of the water and fail, then decide to swim laps around them while sportswriters cheered him on.

229. Pastor Toastman (PH) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:10 PM (#1679254)

If Scott Podsednik had been there he would try to pull the women out of the water and fail, then decide to swim laps around them while sportswriters cheered him on.

...after taking the longest route possible to get to them.

230. Lunkus Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:11 PM (#1679256)

If Ruben Rivera was there, the Big Cat would have saved the first with help from Tony Womack. Ruben would jump in, forget about the second woman, swim around in a circle, only going back to her after fans pointed her out. He would then go on to the third(?) and finally not make it safely home. Jon Miller would shouting from the shore that it was "The Worst Lifesaving in the History of Baseball".

231. TVerik Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:11 PM (#1679257)

If "in the water" = "in scoring position", A-Rod would have no chance of getting them home.

232. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:12 PM (#1679259)

If Rob Neyer had been there, he would have removed his flannel shirt first before he jumped in.

233. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:12 PM (#1679260)

If Derek Lowe had been there he would have married one woman, left her for the other woman, and then stumble drunkenly into the harbor himself.

234. TVerik Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:13 PM (#1679263)

Buck Showalter would have left them in the drink for 147 seconds before getting them.

235. Joe Adcock Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:14 PM (#1679267)

Larry Bowa would have saved them, and ordered a round of Bushmills, but Baseball Primer denied his existence.

236. rb's team is dancing! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:15 PM (#1679268)

If george bush had been there, he would have tried to save some swimmers in a different harbor.

237. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:15 PM (#1679269)

If Mike Hampton had been there he would have jumped into the water and stayed there because of its phenomenal public school system.

238. TVerik Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:16 PM (#1679273)

Mr. Bush would have left them in there - to pull them out would just embolden the enemy.

239. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:17 PM (#1679275)

Dave Stewart would have saved them only if they were drag queens.

240. Pastor Toastman (PH) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:17 PM (#1679276)

Kenny Rogers would've held their heads underwater for looking at him.

241. Ted Without A Kluszewski Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:17 PM (#1679279)

If Tim Johnson had been there, he would claim to have saved the women. It would later be revealed that he's never been to Boston.

242. Rob Base Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:20 PM (#1679283)

If Ron Darling and David Cone had been there, they would have saved them both at the same time.

243. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:21 PM (#1679284)

If Tommy Lasorda were there he'd comment that the women must be Dodgers fans since their faces were so blue.

Best Regards

John

244. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:21 PM (#1679288)

OK, here's who hasn't been covered in the thread:

Bill Clinton

Phil Rizzuto

Calvin Coolidge

Julius Caesar

Tuskahoma

Knockahoma

Joe McCarthy (either one)

Dick Vitale

whobody else?

245. Run Joe Run (Illonardo) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:21 PM (#1679289)

If Murray Chass was there, he would write that Nomar's rescue didn't really count, because after all New Yorkers have rescued 26 people since 1918.

246. Lunkus Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:22 PM (#1679291)

Denny Nagle

247. Pastor Toastman (PH) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:24 PM (#1679293)

If Coolidge were there, he would've told them plainly, "You lose."

248. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:24 PM (#1679295)

If Denny Neagle were there guess what he would've said was a respirator?

Best Regards

John

249. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:24 PM (#1679294)

If Ron Darling and David Cone had been there, they would have saved them both at the same time.

That's a good one.

If Dave Dombrowski had been there, he would have paid Magglio Ordonez $75,000,000 to do his best to save them, but the contract would be void if Ordonez got eaten by a shark. Ordonez would get swimmer's ear after thirty seconds and go home and rest.

250. Quilvio is the man now, dog Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:24 PM (#1679297)

If it had been Denny Neagle, he would have offered a bystander $30 to blow up his life preserver.

251. Kirby Kyle Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:25 PM (#1679299)

Fritz Peterson would have saved the blonde and Mike Kekich the brunette... no, wait, Peterson would have saved the brunette and Kekich the blonde.

252. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:25 PM (#1679300)

If Coolidge were there, he would've told them plainly, "You lose."

very good

one down 8 to go

253. Chris Dial Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:26 PM (#1679303)

If Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich were there they would have each started saving one and then switched midstream.

254. greenback06 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:26 PM (#1679305)

Octavio Dotel saved them in simulations.

255. Bob Loblaw Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:28 PM (#1679310)

If Mitch Albom had been there, he would have had a nice chat with them while they drowned and then written the bestselling, "My Afternoon With The Drowning Women"

256. AZ Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:29 PM (#1679313)

If Phil Rizzuto were there, he would have saved them, then the girls would say "Thanks, what's your name?" and he would have said "no problem, I'm Bill White."

257. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:30 PM (#1679317)

If Bob Knepper had been there he would have admonished the women for falling into the harbor without the help of a man.

258. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:30 PM (#1679318)

If Bud Selig were there he'd insist that unless the city of Boston built a lifeguard stand and emergency clinic the two women's lives would be contracted.

Best Regards

John

259. Chris Dial Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:30 PM (#1679320)

And Kirby, you suck for getting that in ahead of me.

260. Moses Taylor, Optimist Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:31 PM (#1679321)

If Mitch Albom had been there, he would have had a nice chat with them while they drowned and then written the bestselling, "My Afternoon With The Drowning Women"

But then later it would come out that he talked to them before they fell in the water, and that they actually changed their plans and never fell in.

261. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:31 PM (#1679322)

If Coolidge were there, he would've told them plainly, "You lose."

Nice one.

If Tris Speaker had been there, he would have swooped in to save them.

If Ernie Banks had been there, well, you figure it out.

262. SouthSideRyan(roots for dreck) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:31 PM (#1679323)

If Don Denkinger were there he'd say there was no problem, the women were safe and sound.

263. AZ Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:31 PM (#1679324)

If John Brattain were there, he'd be ready to jump in the water, but first he would have to compile a top ten list of what Meatwad would have done, and then the girls would have drowned, and John would have to pay his best regards at the funeral.

264. Dave Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:31 PM (#1679325)

Dave Stewart would have saved them only if they were drag queens.

What's the story behind this one?

265. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:33 PM (#1679328)

If Cito Gaston were there he'd do nothing to show that he hadn't lost confidence in the women's ability to swim.

Best Regards

John

266. Quilvio is the man now, dog Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:33 PM (#1679331)

If Stuart Scott had been there, he would have quoted some rap lyrics like, "You thought I was drowning, but I was getting baptized."

267. Moses Taylor, Optimist Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:34 PM (#1679334)

If Dick Vitale was there, Mike Krzyzewski would have had to take Dick's head out of his ass before he jumped in to save them.

268. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:35 PM (#1679335)

If Reggie Jackson was there, he would be so in awe of the magnitude of himself to do anything to help the women.

269. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:35 PM (#1679336)

If memory serves me correctly, Dave Stewart was caught with a trannie when he got pulled over one night many years ago. All very hush hush.

270. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:36 PM (#1679339)

If John Brattain were there, he'd be ready to jump in the water, but first he would have to compile a top ten list of what Meatwad would have done, and then the girls would have drowned, and John would have to pay his best regards at the funeral.

Heh, I'm harboring WWMD....What Would Meatwad Do?

Best Regards

John

271. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:39 PM (#1679346)

OK, here's who hasn't been covered in the thread:

Bill Clinton

too easy

Phil Rizzuto

something involving Holy Cow

Calvin Coolidge

can't top #247

Julius Caesar

"drowning women est delende"

Tuskahoma

Knockahoma

native Americans can't swim

Joe McCarthy (either one)

JM I--accused of being simply a "push-button saver"

JM II--would brandish a list of at least 100 drowning women in the State Department

Dick Vitale

I hate Dick Vitale

272. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:40 PM (#1679348)

Even though he wasn't there, Republicans blamed Bill Clinton for dumping the women in the water.

273. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:40 PM (#1679349)

If Milton Bradley had been there, he would have thrown them each a bag of baseballs as a life preserver.

274. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:41 PM (#1679351)

If Carlton Fisk had been there, he would have tried to wave the women onto dry land.

275. The Rafael Bournigal fan club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:43 PM (#1679355)

If Ted Kennedy were there, he would have driven them home safely.

276. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:43 PM (#1679357)

If Vinnie Castilla were there he wouldn't be much help unless the water was a mile deep.

Best Regards

John

277. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:44 PM (#1679358)

If Wendell Kim were there he would've waved them into deeper water.

Best Regards

John

278. BWC Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:44 PM (#1679359)

Mickey Mantle would have saved both women, but everybody would still think with his potential he should have saved at least three.

279. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:44 PM (#1679360)

Richie Hebner coudn't have saved them, but he would've been aces when they dug the graves.

=====

On the more serious side of things, the Davis/Grady/Gleason thing is even more awesome because they were on the way to the ballpark for that day's game, and after they were done pulling women and children from the fire, they all went out and played to a 10-10 tie.

Also, Duke's football coach once pulled a guy from a burning automobile on the highway. I'd add more, but I don't remember the details.

280. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:45 PM (#1679361)

If Dan Duquette were there he'd tell the women they were fine and to swim to the other side of the harbour.

Best Regards

John

281. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:45 PM (#1679364)

If Carlton Loewer had been there he would have fallen out of his fishing boat and broken his leg, leaving Adam Eaton as the only person who could rescue the women.

OK, that's it for me.

282. Uncle Willy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:46 PM (#1679365)

If Jimmy Carter had been there, he would have saved one on an odd-numbered day, and the other on an even-numbered day.

283. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:46 PM (#1679366)

Also, Duke's football coach once pulled a guy from a burning automobile on the highway. I'd add more, but I don't remember the details.

Duke's football team has a coach?

284. Kyle S Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:47 PM (#1679367)

I was about to type If Ted Kennedy were there, he'd have asked, "Where'd the second one of you come from?!" but I noticed someone just mentioned Ted. Shame, that.

285. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:48 PM (#1679368)

Duke has a football team?

286. Uncle Willy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:48 PM (#1679369)

If Dick Vitale had been there, he would have talked so much that the women would have drowned themselves.

287. IronChef Chris Wok Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:50 PM (#1679372)

How the hell did this thing get to 3 pages?

288. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:51 PM (#1679377)

If Soxlady were there she'd tell them that they just don't let anybody come out of the water.

Best Regards

John

289. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:52 PM (#1679384)

How the hell did this thing get to 3 pages?

The Great Canadian Ritalin Famine of 2005.

Best Regards

John

290. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:53 PM (#1679387)

How the hell did this thing get to 3 pages?

well, you kinda had to be there..

291. The Rafael Bournigal fan club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:55 PM (#1679391)

If Grant Roberts had been there, ...dude...huh?

292. TVerik Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:56 PM (#1679394)

If Michael Kay had been there, ironically enough he would have rescued both women.

293. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:57 PM (#1679398)

OK people, let's stop this right now and vote:

I nominate #45,62,79,112, or 217

(I personally lean towards 79)

294. Bob Loblaw Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:58 PM (#1679400)

How the hell did this thing get to 3 pages?

I think half of it's John...

295. Hendry's Wad of Cash (UCCF) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:00 PM (#1679404)

Julius Caesar

"drowning women est delende"

Veni vidi erupui.

296. TVerik Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:01 PM (#1679405)

I liked 203, and think it should get some pub.

That said, I vote for #79.

297. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:04 PM (#1679409)

If Voros McCracken has been there he would have explained to the women that their chances of survival were independent of whether they were on land or in the water.

298. Master of Karate and Friendship (Kyle C) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:04 PM (#1679410)

If Alex Rodriguez had been there, he would have gotten them 6/7 of the way there before drowning.

If R. Kelly had been there, they still would've drowned but the water wouldn't be so cold.

299. Runyak Huntz Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:05 PM (#1679416)

If Julius Caeser had been there he would have slaughtered Boston's population so that no one else could fall in the water.

300. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:06 PM (#1679417)

If Clint Barmes had been there he would have done an amazing job saving one woman, but then be crushed by a giant fish and fracture his collarbone.

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AP: Garciaparra Rescues Two Women in Boston

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