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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

AP: Garciaparra Rescues Two Women in Boston

Not past a diving Garciaparra?

Former Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra rescued two women who had fallen into Boston Harbor late last week, his uncle and a witness told the Boston Herald.

Garciaparra, traded to the Chicago Cubs on July 31, 2004, was with his uncle in his Charlestown condominium at about 10 p.m. Friday when they heard a scream and a splash, said the uncle, Victor Garciaparra.

As soon as the All-Star shortstop and two-time American League batting champ ran out the door to help the woman, her friend also fell in, hitting her head on the pier, said Victor Garciaparra, who oversees his nephew’s business and charitable ventures.

Thanks to ess eff

Repoz Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:42 AM | 661 comment(s)
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401. No Cure for the Francoeur (Dave) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:20 PM (#1679628)

If Rob Deer had been there, he'd have saved the women, walked them home, and struck out with the first woman before hitting a home run with the second.

402. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:20 PM (#1679629)

If Scott Boras were there sharks wouldn't go near him out of professional courtesy.

Best Regards

John

403. Orin Incandenza Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:23 PM (#1679637)

If Billy Beane had been there and saved them before trading them for John Mabry, this thread would go on for another two weeks.

404. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:24 PM (#1679640)

If Miguel Batista had been there the river would've caught fire.

Best Regards

John

405. The Polish Sausage Racer Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:24 PM (#1679642)

I'm liking #297 myself.

406. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:25 PM (#1679644)

If Vince Coleman were there he would've gotten caught in an undertow.

Best Regards

John

407. The George Sherrill Selection Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:27 PM (#1679647)

If Bud Selig was there, he would have rescued the women and promptly thrown them into Milwaukee Harbor.

408. Alex_Lewis Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:27 PM (#1679648)

If Shawn Estes had been there, the entire city of Boston would be destroyed because he'd essentially a black hole of suck.

I don't think people make fun of Shawn Estes enough.

409. Schilling's Sprained Ankiel Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:28 PM (#1679652)

If Johnny Pesky was there, the women would have drowned because he held on to them too long.
dB

410. bunyon Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:28 PM (#1679654)

If Jeff Kent had been there he'd have saved them, but made sure to tell them he didn't really enjoy saving people and only did it for the money.

411. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:29 PM (#1679660)

If Sarah Jessica Parker were there, she would ramble on in "teenager with estranged parents" fake angst poetry, and then complain that the women were splashing her atrociously ugly outfit.

Then my wife would punch her and throw her into the Harbor.

412. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:29 PM (#1679661)

If the extremely elderly Connie Mack had been there, he would have received the credit, but his son Earle would have done the work.

413. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:30 PM (#1679664)

If Jeff Kent had been there he'd have saved them, but made sure to tell them he didn't really enjoy saving people and only did it for the money.

If Jeff Kent were there he would've wiped out on a jet ski and claimed he fell out of the rescue boat when he was swabbing the deck.

Best Regards

John

414. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:32 PM (#1679666)

If Jann Arden were there the women would think they didn't have it so bad after all.

Best Regards

John

415. Campeones de la Serie Mundial('zop) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:32 PM (#1679668)

If Ed Delahanty were there, he'd jump off the pier and never be seen again.

416. Greg Maddux School of Reflexive Profanity Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:35 PM (#1679672)

Calvin Coolidge

Julius Caesar

Tuskahoma

Yeah, what would Cal McLish have done?

If Hawk Harrelson were there, he would've reached from the pier and yelled "Stretch! Stretch!" Then when they died, he would stew silently while Darrin Jackson stumbles relaying the incident to the cops.

This was brilliant.

417. The Rafael Bournigal fan club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:35 PM (#1679673)

If Adolf Hitler had been there, the second one never would have dropped.

418. Schilling's Sprained Ankiel Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:36 PM (#1679677)

If Jann Arden were there the women would think they didn't have it so bad after all.

Is this a canadian pop music joke? Wow. Would Jann just have poured "gasoline" on an already bad situation?
DB

419. Uncle Willy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:36 PM (#1679678)

If Chuck Knoblauch was there, he would have thrown them a life preserver, but missed by fifty feet.

420. bunyon Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:36 PM (#1679680)

If Ted Kennedy had been there --- wait a minute, was he?

421. HCO is giving up BTF for Lent Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:37 PM (#1679681)

If John Hancock had been there, he would have thrown tea at them.

422. Richard Gadsden Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:38 PM (#1679686)

If rlm had been there he would have shaa directly into their faces.

cordially,

423. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:40 PM (#1679691)

Is this a canadian pop music joke? Wow. Would Jann just have poured "gasoline" on an already bad situation?

It's just that her music consists solely of whining about how much her life sucks.

Forget death metal--listen to Jann Arden and you want to put a gun to your head.

Best Regards

John

424. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:40 PM (#1679692)

if backlasher had been there he would argue with every post in this thread

425. Lunkus Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:42 PM (#1679697)

Eddie Yost would have just strolled down to end of the pier.

426. Schilling's Sprained Ankiel Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:43 PM (#1679702)

I like "Gasoline," but point taken. Music to slit your wrists by.

dB

427. HCO is giving up BTF for Lent Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:43 PM (#1679703)

If [your favorite umpire] had been there, he would have called them dry.

428. Richard Gadsden Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:44 PM (#1679705)

If Mariano Rivera had been there, Dave Roberts would have stolen one out of his hands.

429. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:45 PM (#1679707)

If Frankie Frisch had been there, he would be telling all of the reporters that Rube Marquard, George Kelly, and Jesse Haines were 100 times better as rescuers than Nomar is and that they should be honored for their "achievements" before the latter.

430. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:46 PM (#1679709)

Mickey Mantle would've taken a few friends to the top of the marina to watch the women drown.

Best Regards

John

431. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:47 PM (#1679711)

If Cal Hubbard had been there, he would have tackled the thugs that had pushed the women into the water, rescued the ladies, and then called them "Safe!"

432. SouthSideRyan Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:48 PM (#1679713)

If George Bush was there, he would've continued reading Hop on Pop after being told of the drowning women, then bombed Oman in retaliation.

If John Kerry was there, he'd have gone to the UN and asked if it was prudent to save the girls and let them deilberate for a month.

If Dennis Kucinich was there, nobody would notice.

433. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:48 PM (#1679714)

Music to slit your wrists by.

Bingo, if she would've opened for The Who in Cincinnati back in the 1970's fans would've trampled themselves to death.

Best Regards

John

434. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:49 PM (#1679717)

If Ichiro Suzuki had been there, the AP would have somehow worked "Lost in Translation", "samurai", "sushi" and "Zen" into the first two paragraphs of the story.

435. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:51 PM (#1679724)

If Mo Vaughn were there the women would've been rescued but the Greater Boston area would've perished in the resulting tsunami.

Best Regards

John

436. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:52 PM (#1679726)

If Mo Vaughn were there the women would've been rescued but the Greater Boston area would've perished in the resulting tsunami.

RDF

437. DCW3 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:53 PM (#1679728)

I can't believe this whole thread went on without me...

If the Milwaukee Brewers were there, they would have saved 50% of the women and would be ecstatic about it.

438. The Rafael Bournigal fan club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:53 PM (#1679729)

Was Jim Tracy there? Yes. Would he have done things differently in hindsight? Yeah. Would he have liked to warn the ladies beforehand? Sure, no question. Were they really prepared to be near water to begin with? I'm not smart enough to know that.

439. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:54 PM (#1679730)

If Bill Veeck were there he'd hire the women to drown between games of a doubleheader.

Best Regards

John

440. HCO is giving up BTF for Lent Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:56 PM (#1679735)

If WIP had been there, they would have stood around watching the women drown until one of the Phillies showed up and saved them, and then criticized him for how he did it.

441. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:56 PM (#1679737)

If Bill Klem had been there, he obviously would have had no problem swimming over to the women.

442. DCW3 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:57 PM (#1679740)

If Mark Bellhorn had been there, he would wait passively on shore until just after the women had drowned, then dive in, flailing wildly. Also, he would wear water wings on both arms.

443. Greg Franklin Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:57 PM (#1679741)

If Randy Johnson had been there, he'd have saved the women, delivered an emotional post-save speech on feeling unappreciated for his good deeds over a long humanitarian career, then shoved a photographer who tried to take his picture for the paper.

444. The George Sherrill Selection Posted: October 12, 2005 at 02:59 PM (#1679745)

Posted by Whitey Herzog on October 12, 2005

Sure, I would have rescued them if they called.

445. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:01 PM (#1679750)

If Bill Veeck were there he'd hire the women to drown between games of a doubleheader.

...and Mike Veeck would have had their bodies blown up between games of the next doubleheader.

446. No Cure for the Francoeur (Dave) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:04 PM (#1679756)

If Vince Coleman were there he would've gotten caught in an undertow.

Only after he threw fireworks at the drowning women.

By the way, #39 on this page was the only post in this thread to make me laugh out loud.

447. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:04 PM (#1679758)

Rube Waddell would have saved them if only that fire engine hadn't passed by.

448. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:08 PM (#1679763)

If Paul and Phil Hartnoll had been there, they would've thought the women were waving, not drowning.

449. His Clutchness, The Just Pasha Diving Jeter Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:09 PM (#1679765)

If I had been there, the women would have run out of the water to give me their numbers.

450. Crafty Lefty Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:11 PM (#1679772)

If Charlie Monfort had been there, he would have loudly predicted he was going to save the women despite his utter inability to do so.

451. Crafty Lefty Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:12 PM (#1679774)

Shawn Chacon never should have let them on the pier in the first place, since he knew he couldn't save them.

452. DCW3 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:14 PM (#1679775)

If Dante Bichette had been there, his fans would have complained that he didn't get proper credit for the rescue--it's not his fault the water was so shallow.

453. BWC Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:14 PM (#1679776)

Larry Yount would have gotten to the water's edge and been ready to save them but would have never quite gotten in.

454. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:14 PM (#1679779)

If Mike Gimbel had been there, he would have set back rescuing for years.

455. PayRod Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:17 PM (#1679784)

This is so stupid, but...

If Richie Phillips had been there, he would have drowned along with the women while trying to advise them on how to save themselves in his unique way.

If Joe Jackson had not been there, Judge Landis would have suspended him for life anyway.

If Bill James were there, he would have saved them. Unless one of them was Jeff Bagwell.

If Mia Hamm were there...

456. Snoopy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:18 PM (#1679787)

I would have tried to rescue them, but it was a dark and stormy night.

457. Swedish Chef Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:20 PM (#1679796)

If Eric Van was there he would claim to have invented women, and that his father invented water.

458. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:24 PM (#1679805)

If Paul DePodesta had been there, he would have ran home to his basement

to search Google for a spreadsheet showing the fastest swimmers, not

considering if they would have chemistry, while listening to one of those iPod

thingys.

459. The Rafael Bournigal fan club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:27 PM (#1679815)

If Brien Taylor had been there, both women would have been extremely disappointed.

That wasn't funny. I just wanted to mention Brien Taylor.

460. DCW3 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:27 PM (#1679817)

If George Brett had been there, he would have rescued both women, but a police officer would rule that Brett's lifejacket was too big and throw both women back into the water. (The rescue would be replayed from that point four weeks later.)

461. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:28 PM (#1679819)

If Victor Zambrano had been there, he would have hit a rock 25 feet away with a lifesaver, injuring himself in the process. Then he would cry.

462. Every Inge Counts Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:31 PM (#1679823)

If the Minnesota Vikings would have saved them....this story would have been a whole hell of a lot better.

463. The Artist Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:32 PM (#1679826)

If Barry Bonds was there, he would have saved both, but Rick Reilly would whine that he didn't ask anyone for help...

464. The Man "With the Terrible Smell" Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:32 PM (#1679827)

22 is my personal favorite so far.

465. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:33 PM (#1679831)

If Robinso Cano were there and had just started to jump into the water, J1F and Larry Manhken would have said that he was already as good as Batman with Superman upside. Other Yankee fans would compare him to Wonder Woman, thus ending the nonsexuality of their man-crushes.

466. The Balls of Summer Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:37 PM (#1679840)

Has this entire thread been going on like this? If so, I guess I'm impressed.

467. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:38 PM (#1679841)

If Gary Sheffield was there was throw the life preserver away from them on purpose.

Best Regards

John

468. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:39 PM (#1679846)

UGH

If Gary Sheffield was there he'd throw the life preserver away from them on purpose.

Best Regards

John

469. AZ Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:39 PM (#1679847)

thus ending the nonsexuality of their man-crushes.

Hilarious.

470. The Artist Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:40 PM (#1679851)

If Jay Mariotti was there, both women would voluntarily sink.

471. Schilling's Sprained Ankiel Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:41 PM (#1679855)

If Backlasher was there, he would have given complete credit to the person who pushed the women in because that person obviously had a talent for controling whether they were rescued or not.

Hmmm. DIPs doesn't lend itself to this, does it?
DB

472. Golfing Great Mitch Cumstein Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:43 PM (#1679859)

Ted Kennedy was there, seen swimming away from an Oldsmobile all the way to East Boston. He contacted his family's friends before contacting authorities the next day. Later he blamed his inability to help on a bad back.

473. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:46 PM (#1679864)

If Robinso Cano were there and had just started to jump into the water, J1F and Larry Manhken would have said that he was already as good as Batman with Superman upside. Other Yankee fans would compare him to Wonder Woman, thus ending the nonsexuality of their man-crushes

Poor Larry. I wish he'd come back. This one is for you (if you're lurking):

If Larry Mahnken were there he'd rescue them both but they still would only like him as a friend.

Best Regards

John

474. Ross(UPN + WB) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:48 PM (#1679867)

If Will Carroll was there, he'd be powered by Steve Olin's speedboat and giving thanks to his mysterious "sources".

475. This Dag Nabbit in History Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:49 PM (#1679869)

If Micheal Brown was there, he would have waited for an official authorized report stating that the women were in the harbor and then, after his lunch break, begun filling out the paperwork to determine what level of resources should be deployed to save them.

If Damsco Marte was there, Orlando Hernandez would've saved them.

476. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:50 PM (#1679870)

If Gary Sheffield had been there, he would have asked the women if they knew what it was like to grow as a black male. When they say no, he would then ask the general public to give him the right to bash their heads.

477. Ross(UPN + WB) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:58 PM (#1679882)

If Danny was there, he'd notice the gals gurgling and he'd say "No, it's called Google".

If Steve Trader was there, he'd let somebody else save them and remark "Well done".

If backlasher was there, he'd throw 'Goldman rocks' at them.

478. Lester Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:11 PM (#1679896)

If Steve Garvey had been there, the Family Court docket would be full come July 2005.

If Cindy Sandberg had been there, the two women could rest assured that upwards of a dozen men would have been on hand to save them.

479. SouthSideRyan Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:16 PM (#1679905)

If Adam Dunn was there, he wouldn't sacrifice himself.

480. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:16 PM (#1679907)

If Mark Garber had been there, that would have been strange, to say the least.

481. bunyon Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:17 PM (#1679912)

If Kyle Denney had been there he would have rescued them, stolen their dresses and been shot.

482. Spivey Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:23 PM (#1679927)

Along with the ones mentioned, i liked these: 136, 345

I think Vida Blue and Kirby Kyle have had a lot of good ones. Too many to mention all of them.

483. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:24 PM (#1679928)

Since Michelle Malkin wasn't there, she'll misinterpret primary sources to say that the drowning the women was a justified approach to the situation.

484. Fred Garvin, Collateral Damage Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:47 PM (#1679965)

I posted #27 about 7-8 hours ago, thinking that this thread would probably move into a different direction and be done after about 50-60 posts.

Holy crap!

485. Dread Pirate Dave Roberts Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:48 PM (#1679967)

If a bearded wizard were there, he would have swum up to the two women and instructed them, "Me -- hold!"

Sorry.

486. Crispix Attacks is an antique dinosaur old cripple Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:06 PM (#1680005)

And finally, a heroically silly thread reminiscent of Olde Primer comes to a close, with - how nostalgically appropriate - a Bearded Wizard post.

YUN TARAGOASHI OVER AND OUT

487. rb's team is hopeful for the new year! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:07 PM (#1680008)

You should be, that wasn't funny at all.

488. Spivey Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:09 PM (#1680016)

Me -- hold is amusing to me. Not laugh out loud funny, but it's not the worst in this thread.

489. PepTech Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:16 PM (#1680030)

This was probably covered elsewhere, but as this thread lurches to a close, I just thought the headline in the local paper was funny, referring to Game 5:

Rookie fills in for injured Colon

And I'm thinking, boy, that hazing is getting out of control.

And just for fun - If Allard Baird were there, then like lemmings off the pier: Jermaine Dye, Johnny Damon, Carlos Beltran...

490. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:18 PM (#1680035)

If Eric Milton were there both would've drowned. To absolutely nobody's surprise he couldn't even get two women out.

Best Regards

John

491. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:19 PM (#1680037)

If Pete Reiser had been there, he would have dove into the pier.

492. bunyon Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:21 PM (#1680044)

If Roger Clemens had been there both women would have been hit in the head with the pier. Then he'd have thrown an oar to them.

493. bunyon Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:22 PM (#1680047)

BAH!

If Roger Clemens had been there both women would have been hit in the head with the pier. Then he'd have thrown an oar at them.

494. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:23 PM (#1680048)

If Steve Trachsel was there the women were in danger of death by both drowning and old age.

Best Regards

John

495. Hendry's Wad of Cash (UCCF) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:23 PM (#1680050)

If LaTroy Hawkins had been there, he wouldn't have saved the women. Dusty Baker would have found two more women and thrown them in the harbor, to give LaTroy another chance. Those women also would have died.

People here would argue that four women is too small a sample size to determine that he lacks the ability to save women.

The Giants will trade for him and make him into a lifeguard.

496. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:26 PM (#1680052)

If Tim Salmon was there he would've spawned a rescue effort.

Allow me to be the first....

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Best Regards

John

497. MM1f Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:26 PM (#1680054)

wow
this thread has some crazy velo

498. Eugene Freedman

Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:28 PM (#1680056)

Late to the party, but I have to nominate Crispix for If Dave Dombrowski had been there, he would have paid Magglio Ordonez $75,000,000 to do his best to save them, but the contract would be void if Ordonez got eaten by a shark. Ordonez would get swimmer's ear after thirty seconds and go home and rest.

499. bunyon Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:29 PM (#1680058)

If Steve Trachsel was there he'd have saved the first but the second would have drowned before he went back in for her.

500. CWS Keith Posted: October 12, 2005 at 05:34 PM (#1680066)

<with the hope that it hasn't been said>

If Scott Podsednik had been there, he would have been caught.

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AP: Garciaparra Rescues Two Women in Boston

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