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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

AP: Garciaparra Rescues Two Women in Boston

Not past a diving Garciaparra?

Former Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra rescued two women who had fallen into Boston Harbor late last week, his uncle and a witness told the Boston Herald.

Garciaparra, traded to the Chicago Cubs on July 31, 2004, was with his uncle in his Charlestown condominium at about 10 p.m. Friday when they heard a scream and a splash, said the uncle, Victor Garciaparra.

As soon as the All-Star shortstop and two-time American League batting champ ran out the door to help the woman, her friend also fell in, hitting her head on the pier, said Victor Garciaparra, who oversees his nephew’s business and charitable ventures.

Thanks to ess eff

Repoz Posted: October 12, 2005 at 01:42 AM | 661 comment(s)
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501. CWS Keith Posted: October 12, 2005 at 06:34 PM (#1680066)

<with the hope that it hasn't been said>

If Scott Podsednik had been there, he would have been caught.

502. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 06:39 PM (#1680073)

If Willie Randolph was there, he would have selected Shingo Takatsu to save the women, even though he hadn't swam in years, because he has the funk.

503. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 06:40 PM (#1680075)

If Rick Peterson was there, he would be wearing a life jacket but would refuse to take it off to give to the women.

504. Doc Nabbit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 06:42 PM (#1680078)

If Xerxes had been there, he would've commanded the water to be whipped.

If Bobby Ojeda and Steve Olin had been there . . . .

505. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 06:42 PM (#1680080)

If Fred Wilpon was there, he would have said that he expected the women to live meaningful days in September even after the women had already drowned.

506. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 06:44 PM (#1680082)

If John Franco had been there, he would have failed to save the women, smirked, and then become an anonymous source, blaming Armando Benitez for their deaths.

507. rb's team is dancing! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 06:53 PM (#1680092)

If mike cameron had been there, he would have collided with carlos beltran on the way down.

508. ess eff Posted: October 12, 2005 at 07:00 PM (#1680102)

If Barry Bonds had been there, Pedro Gomez would have saved them.

509. CWS Keith Posted: October 12, 2005 at 07:25 PM (#1680131)

If AJ Pierzynski had been there, he would have kicked each of the ladies in the groin.

If Dante Bichette was there, he would have saved them. However, after park adjustments, it would be deemed that this feat was only slightly above average.

510. CFBF Is Now "Prince Longbody." Posted: October 12, 2005 at 07:29 PM (#1680133)

If Todd Hundley was there, the women would have had their children taken away.

511. Repoz Posted: October 12, 2005 at 07:42 PM (#1680149)

If Melvin Mora had been there, he would have continually parted the sea section.

512. Repoz Posted: October 12, 2005 at 07:43 PM (#1680152)

If Woodie Held had been there, he would have said..."Swim hard in case you hit land."

513. AlouGoodbye Posted: October 12, 2005 at 07:49 PM (#1680157)

If Carl yastrzemski had been there, his sole porpoise would have been to carp.

514. Greg Pope Posted: October 12, 2005 at 07:53 PM (#1680163)

If John Henry Williams had been there the women would have drowned, but then cryogenically frozen for a time in the future when drowning is no longer fatal.

515. Fraud Cried the Maddened Thousands Posted: October 12, 2005 at 08:01 PM (#1680170)

If Bill Plaschke had been there, he would write an article asking why DePodesta was holding back Paul Lo Duca from saving the women.

516. philistine Posted: October 12, 2005 at 08:14 PM (#1680181)

If Miguel Cabrera had been there, he would have (forgotten) the women.

517. Will Young Posted: October 12, 2005 at 08:35 PM (#1680206)

If Bert Blyleven would have been there, he would have saved one of them while the other died from reasons beyond his control.

518. Run Joe Run (Illonardo) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 08:55 PM (#1680275)

If Chuck Tanner was there he would have treated the women just the same as if they weren't drowning.

519. Aspiring One-Armed Economist (6 - 4 - 3) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 08:55 PM (#1680277)

If Levski had been there, he wouldn't throw them a life preserver until they agree to take Russ Ortiz in a trade.

520. Run Joe Run (Illonardo) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 08:56 PM (#1680281)

If Chuck Tanner was there he would have treated the women just the same as if they weren't drowning.

521. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 08:58 PM (#1680286)

I have consolidated and compiled this thread for those intrigued yet daunted by its length:

http://real100percentdata.blogspot.com/

522. Shinbone Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:00 PM (#1680296)

If Kris Benson had saved the women, Anna Benson would have slept with each and every member of the Coast Guard

523. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:01 PM (#1680302)

Damn, now I have to add #523.

Tomorrow perhaps.

524. Run Joe Run (Illonardo) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:02 PM (#1680306)

If Chuck Tanner was there he would have treated the women just the same as if they weren't drowning.

525. Scoriano Flitcraft Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:04 PM (#1680314)

If Crispus Attucks had been there, he'd say he thought it was just a tea party.

526. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:19 PM (#1680354)

if this thread had never been started, the women wouldn't have fallen in in the first place

527. Dave Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:28 PM (#1680366)

I have consolidated and compiled this thread for those intrigued yet daunted by its length:

I don't think that word means what you think it means.

528. Dave Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:29 PM (#1680369)

OK, well maybe it does, but I don't think you solved the problem of it being too long for people to read.

529. Tribe '08: This Isn't My Team (CSC) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:36 PM (#1680382)

If Bob Wickman had been there, he could've been used as an emergency life raft.

530. Lake Placido Polanco (Crispix Attacks) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:36 PM (#1680383)

But now it's searchable!

I couldn't bear to leave out any of the three Vince Coleman references.

531. villageidiom Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:39 PM (#1680388)

If Joe Torre were there, George Steinbrenner would have issued a statement congratulating Mike Scoscia for winning the ALDS, without mentioning Torre at all.

- - - - -

A-Rod Saves Boy In Street

A-Rod saved one person, and Nomar saved two. All of Boston starts chanting:

No-mar's bet-ter! (clap clap clapclapclap)
No-mar's bet-ter! (clap clap clapclapclap)

- - - - -

If Roberto Petagine were there, nobody would even let him get in the water.

- - - - -

If Terry Francona were there, first he'd send in Chad Bradford to get the righty out, then Mike Myers to get the lefty out.

- - - - -

If A-Rod were there, he'd leave them stranded.

- - - - -

If George Steinbrenner were there, Ronan Tynan would sing a stirring rendition of "God Bless America". Then the gathering crowd would sing "Take Me Out To The Ballgame". Then everyone would clap and dance to "Cotton-Eyed Joe". And THEN George would jump in and save them.

- - - - -

If Sarge Blotto was there, the women would have been saved by a man lounging on the deck, whistle 'round his neck, white stuff on his nose.

532. Tribe '08: This Isn't My Team (CSC) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:46 PM (#1680400)

If Omar Vizquel was there, he'd say he was glad Jose Mesa didn't try to save the women.

If Jose Mesa was there, he'd try to throttle Omar.

533. Tribe '08: This Isn't My Team (CSC) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:48 PM (#1680404)

If Casey Blake was there, the women would've been left stranded in the water, but Eric Wedge would still think he makes a great lifeguard.

534. Tribe '08: This Isn't My Team (CSC) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 09:53 PM (#1680419)

If Travis Hafner was there, he'd rescue both women single-handedly, throw Osama Bin Laden in a hammerlock, find a vaccine for the avian flu, and rescue a kitten from a tree.

535. Greg Pope Posted: October 12, 2005 at 10:04 PM (#1680442)

If meatwad had been there he would have saved them, and performed PCR.

If meatwad were there the women would be royally screwed.

Heh, I'm harboring WWMD....What Would Meatwad Do?

No, no, if meatwad were there he would have rigged up an air compressor and a garden hose and the women wouldn't need to be rescued. Instead the women would get rich by running an underwater salvage business.

536. AlouGoodbye Posted: October 12, 2005 at 10:35 PM (#1680497)

If the Minnesota Vikings had been there, they would have invited the women onto their cruiseboat.

537. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 11:12 PM (#1680621)

If A-rod had been there, he would have told them that he was probably pretty sure that it would all work out for the best and then commiserate with them that he knows what it feels like to be stuck in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. After the women later drowned, he would have explained that he expected them to follow him, naturally.

538. CFBF Is Now "Prince Longbody." Posted: October 12, 2005 at 11:13 PM (#1680626)

If Dave Chappelle had been there, he would have rescued the women, then call them "#######" to get a cheap laugh.

539. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 11:14 PM (#1680633)

If Arod had been there, he would not have jumped in the water, fearing that the current blue shade of his lips would have been changed.

540. Will Young Posted: October 12, 2005 at 11:15 PM (#1680638)

If Doug Eddings had been there, he would have pronounced the women dead after Nomar dragged them ashore.

541. Gary Geiger Counter Posted: October 12, 2005 at 11:17 PM (#1680645)

If Doug Eddings had been there, he would have pronounced the women dead after Nomar dragged them ashore.

I knew that something like that would be posted.

542. Шĥy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 11:20 PM (#1680657)

If Derek Jeter had been there and failed to save them, he would have reminded everyone that the current life preservers are not as good as they were in the late 90s.

543. Boots Day Posted: October 12, 2005 at 11:40 PM (#1680732)

If Josh Paul had been there, he would assume that the rescue was complete and walk calmly away from the dock while the women drowned.

544. PepTech Posted: October 12, 2005 at 11:51 PM (#1680765)

If Doug Eddings had been there, he would have watched Josh Paul save them, and then denied it.

545. Tom (and his broom) Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:26 AM (#1680824)

If Michael Vick were there Ron Mexico would have saved the two women...and then checked into a hotel with them.

546. IronChef Chris Wok Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:58 AM (#1680877)

If Terry Francona were there, first he'd send in Chad Bradford to get the righty out, then Mike Myers to get the lefty out.

Nah. Francona woudl have sent Bradford to get the lefty and Myers to get the righty.

If Byun Hyun Kim had been there, he would have fingered the two white biatches, and then left.

547. emcee Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:01 AM (#1680882)

If Najeh Davenport had been there, he would have got their addresses, gone to their house, and crapped in their closet.

548. emcee Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:07 AM (#1680891)

If Tim Hudson was there, he would have almost pulled them to safety, but Bobby Cox would take him out and send Chris Reitsma in to save them, and then they would drown.

549. joecarta93 Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:10 AM (#1680896)

If John Madden was there he would save them and then give the credit to Brett Favre.

550. Fog City Blues Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:42 AM (#1680931)

If Kevin Mitchell was there he would've saved them with his bare hands.

If Wiki Gonzalez was there he would've collected first-hand accounts and photos of the incident and then posted them to a collaborative internet page.

If rowing girl was there she wouldn't have been the most attractive woman present.

551. VerbalK Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:52 AM (#1680939)

If Pete Rose was there he'd take bets which one would sink first, then charge everyone 200 bucks for an autograph.

552. Los Angeles Waterloo of Black Hawk Posted: October 13, 2005 at 02:12 AM (#1680947)

If Doug Eddings was there, he would save them, throw them back in the water, and then claim that he had never saved them.

553. The Rafael Bournigal fan club Posted: October 13, 2005 at 02:16 AM (#1680953)

If Doug Eddings had been there, I would have shoved him into the water and pissed on him.

554. Dave Posted: October 13, 2005 at 02:48 AM (#1680978)

If Tim Hudson was there, he would have almost pulled them to safety, but Bobby Cox would take him out and send Chris Reitsma in to save them, and then they would drown.

I thought the Farns blew that game, not Reitsma. Though Reitsma blew his fair share of games during the regular season, none of them were Hudson starts.

555. bunyon Posted: October 13, 2005 at 07:32 AM (#1681028)

If FOX had been there, they would have insisted that Nomar save both women at the same time but we wouldn't have seen it as they would have switched back and forth from closeups of Nomar's uncle pacing in his doorway and TOWNHOUSE CAM while we heard music that wasn't cool 20 years ago when it came out; meanwhile Lou Pinella would have screeched about how he used to play Little League ball with the women and Tim McCarver would say that the women looked good for drowning women - heck, they look great!

556. Run Joe Run (Illonardo) Posted: October 13, 2005 at 08:00 AM (#1681032)

If Mike and the Mad Dog were there Mike would have said the women were gutless for falling in the water.

557. Johnny Tuttle Posted: October 13, 2005 at 09:00 AM (#1681081)

If Stevie Smith had been there, she would have considered the two women very friendly indeed.

558. The Mighty Boosh Posted: October 13, 2005 at 09:26 AM (#1681132)

Attn: Mr. John Brittain

I keep running into pieces of correspondence from John Brittain in various public forums. Have you recently submitted a letter to the editor of an alumni magazine? Have you found your words published in a Guardian minute-by-minute match report? Or is there a pack of John Brittains intent on infiltrating my reading material?

As you may imagine it is critical that I get to the bottom of this.

559. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 09:29 AM (#1681136)

Attn: Mr. John Brittain

I keep running into pieces of correspondence from John Brittain in various public forums. Have you recently submitted a letter to the editor of an alumni magazine? Have you found your words published in a Guardian minute-by-minute match report? Or is there a pack of John Brittains intent on infiltrating my reading material?

As you may imagine it is critical that I get to the bottom of this.

Nope, not me. Besides my last name is spelled Brattain. It can't be me without the Brat.

Best Regards

John

560. The Mighty Boosh Posted: October 13, 2005 at 09:38 AM (#1681149)

I'll take your word for it but I retain lingering suspicions that "John Brattain" (or derivations thereof) is an agreed upon nom de plume for a cabal of guerrila activists Hell-bent on achieving some aim through infiltration of popular media.

Just note that I'm paying attention.

561. Sane Joe Bivens, Permanent Guardian Posted: October 13, 2005 at 10:42 AM (#1681258)

Just note that I'm paying attention.

Unless this phase lasts longer than a few days, I wouldn't worry.

562. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 13, 2005 at 10:56 AM (#1681279)

If Bob Costas had been there the ladies would've been treated to a wonderfully worded disseratation on the wonder and majesty that Yankee lore brought to his youth.

563. USA in the HCO, or is that the other way around? Posted: October 13, 2005 at 11:01 AM (#1681294)

If Jackie Robinson had been there, the women would have been like, "Whoa, I thought that guy was dead."

564. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:29 PM (#1681467)

If Joe West were there he would've thrown the women out of the water.

Best Regards

John

565. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:30 PM (#1681468)

If Anna Benson were there she would've sucked the harbour dry.

Best Regards

John

566. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:37 PM (#1681487)

If Dan O Dowd were there he try a bunch of different rescue techniques but the women would still drown.

Best Regards

John

567. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:38 PM (#1681492)

If David Samson were there he'd jump in the water and the women could walk to shore on the dead fish.

Best Regards

John

568. Repoz Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:40 PM (#1681499)

If Dan O’Neill had been there, he would have erased their bikini's.

569. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:42 PM (#1681509)

If Fay Vincent were there he'd tell the women that when they got into the water they had resigned from life.

Best Regards

John

570. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:46 PM (#1681514)

If Don Denkinger was there he'd do nothing except tell everyone the women were safe.

Best Regards

John

571. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:48 PM (#1681519)

If a Primate were there he'd tell the women why he could've done a better job falling in.

572. The Original Gary Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:52 PM (#1681531)

If Bill Buckner had been there, the women would have swam through his legs.

573. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:55 PM (#1681543)

If Ken Caminiti were there who the hell did they bury in his grave?

Best Regards

John

574. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 13, 2005 at 12:58 PM (#1681552)

If Rob Dibble had been there it would only have been because there was a very butch gay leather bar in the neighborhood. Officer Dibble indeed.

575. Dread Pirate Dave Roberts Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:03 PM (#1681570)

If George Will had been there, the blue ribbon rescue would have been not unlike watching Atlantis rise again from the sea, the bones of its kings new-covered with flesh.

576. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:03 PM (#1681571)

If Steve Howe were there then a boat from Colombia should be along any moment now.

Best Regards

John

577. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:04 PM (#1681575)

If Bobby Bonilla were there he'd say "go fish."

Best Regards

John

578. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:04 PM (#1681578)

If Arroyo and/or Zito had been there they would have made truly awful music in their spare time.

579. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:06 PM (#1681586)

If Bobby Valentine were there would we recognize him?

Best Regards

John

580. The Rafael Bournigal fan club Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:09 PM (#1681597)

If Bobby Ojeda had been there, the two women never would have made it.

581. USA in the HCO, or is that the other way around? Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:10 PM (#1681600)

If Rusty Kuntz would have been there, somebody would have said, "Hey, Rusty Kuntz!" and somebody else would have said, "Come on, they haven't been in the water that long."

582. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:11 PM (#1681603)

If Paul had been there, we all would have blamed YOKO.

583. The Rafael Bournigal fan club Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:12 PM (#1681605)

It took 682 posts, but we finally have a winner.

584. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:13 PM (#1681608)

If one woman was named Ruth Pedro Martinez would've drilled her in the ass.

Best Regards

John

585. Eraser-X is dominating this site! Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:36 PM (#1681659)

If Lee Elia had been there, the ####### lazy, jobless ####### who were just at the ####### playground for cocksuckers that is the ####### Boston harbor to get ####### drunk would be in for a serious ####### tongue lashing.

586. greenback06 Posted: October 13, 2005 at 01:54 PM (#1681720)

I thought the Farns blew that game, not Reitsma. Though Reitsma blew his fair share of games during the regular season, none of them were Hudson starts.

Yes, the more timely line would be something like "If Hudson had been there, Farnsworth would've helped out and the two women he inherited would've drowned. Then three others would've drowned. Then there wouldn't have been any more drownings for nine years."

587. PrayForRain Posted: October 13, 2005 at 02:50 PM (#1681825)

If the 2005 NL rookies had been there, Ryan Howard would have saved them, but Willy Taveras would get credit for being there the whole time.

588. CFBF Is Now "Prince Longbody." Posted: October 13, 2005 at 02:54 PM (#1681832)

If I had been there, the women would have said, "Andrew, you're a great rescuer, and one day, you're going to rescue some beautiful woman, but I just can't see myself being rescued by you."

589. Ross(UPN + WB) Posted: October 13, 2005 at 02:59 PM (#1681844)

If Mahnken's apartment was there, the water would've put out the fire.

590. PrayForRain Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:04 PM (#1681855)

If Jeff Bagwell had been there, Bill James would have no thoughts on the matter.

591. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:16 PM (#1681880)

If Roberto Petagine were there he'd be sent to Pawtucket for swimming lessons.

Best Regards

John

592. USA in the HCO, or is that the other way around? Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:18 PM (#1681885)

If Randall had been there, he would have questioned the women's intelligence.

593. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:18 PM (#1681886)

If Juan Marichal were there he conk the women over the head with a piece of driftwood.

Best Regards

John

594. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:19 PM (#1681892)

If Curtis Pride were there I doubt he'd notice.

Best Regards

John

595. USA in the HCO, or is that the other way around? Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:20 PM (#1681893)

If Rafael Palmeiro had been there, he would have seriously regretted not bringing some Viagra.

596. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:21 PM (#1681900)

If Scott Boras were there he'd point out that the women's children would soon be free agents and he'd be accepting offers.

Best Regards

John

597. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:22 PM (#1681905)

If Chan Ho Park were there they'd be a foreign object in the harbour.

Best Regards

John

598. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:24 PM (#1681914)

If Midre Cummings were there could Onan Masaoka be far behind?

Best Regards

John

599. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:28 PM (#1681933)

Dear God this is my 80th post on the thread.

I seriously need a life.

FLIP!

Best Regards

John

600. USA in the HCO, or is that the other way around? Posted: October 13, 2005 at 03:32 PM (#1681952)

John, through post 600, I only count you as having 78 posts.

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AP: Garciaparra Rescues Two Women in Boston

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