If Rich Garces were there he'd have to wait an hour before trying to rescue the women.

Best Regards

John

John, through post 600, I only count you as having 78 posts

O.K. it's 80 now :-P

I still need a life.

Best Regards

John

If Smitty had been there, he'd have been well prepared to get in the water.

If the Wicked Witch of the West were there, they'd make some dumb musical about it.

If Al Gore had been there he'd have said he invented water. And the pier.

If Dock Ellis were there they could just climb on him.

Best Regards

John

If Jimmy Piersall were there he'd rescue them feet first.

Best Regards

John

If Al Gore had been there he'd have said he invented water. And the pier.

If Al Gore were there, he'd hint at the role he had played in the building of the pier for his political advantage. He would be reported as having claimed he'd invented water and piers in general. He would lose his next election to an unethnical, homocidal head of broccoli.

If Leo Mazzone were there they'd have a rockin' good time.

Best Regards

John

If Al Campanis were there he'd tell you that the women were probably black.

Best Regards

John

If Eddie Gaedel were there he'd have, like, been small, or something.

If Chris Truby were there he'd have called on his dark lord master to save the women.

I'm sick of all these seaports like Boston Harbor and Albert Belle trying to drown innocent women.

You thought this thread was over? Oh, I'm just getting started...

If Billy Beane were there, he'd just replace the women, because they're a fungible commodity. "Why go to the trouble of saving drowning women, when there are plenty of perfectly healthy women on every street corner?"

If Brian Cashman were there, he'd immediately sign the women to 5 year, $65 million pitching contracts before the Red Sox had a chance to get 'em.

If Joe Morgan were there, he'd mention how The Big Red Machine used to save hundreds of women, because all through the lineup you had great drowning women savers.

If Bill James were there, he'd invent a stat called DWS (Drowning Women Saved) that would unfortunately favor hitters who tend to hang out near harbors.

If Rob Neyer were there, he would gather data for his next baseball book, "Rob Neyer's Big Book of Drowning Women".

If A.J. Pierzynski were there, he wouldn't save the women, but he'd still somehow manage to make it to first base with them.

If Eric Gagne were there, he wouldn't be able to save the women.
If Eric Gagne and a .310 hitter were there, not a problem.

If Manny Ramirez were there, Boston fans would claim that for $22 million he should be saving at least 22 million women or he should be traded for someone who can.

If David Ortiz were there, he'd catch a few fish, maybe file his nails, and finally save them just before they drowned, because a last-minute save is more valuable than an early one.

If Alex Rodriguez were there, he'd save the women, and everyone would say, "Sure, but at $126 million per drowning woman retrieved, he's a huge albatross."

If Mariano Rivera were there, he'd blow two more routine saves in Boston because he's a choker.

If Randy Johnson were there, he wouldn't even need to swim; it's well established that he can stand comfortably in any part of Boston Harbor.

If Barry Bonds were there, the opposing manager would just have the women intentionally saved.

If Kirk Gibson were there, everyone watching would get chills as he pushed aside some able-bodied guy and saved the women despite having two broken legs, a concussion, and a nasty case of malaria.

If Jose Canseco were there, he would save the two women and then they'd all shack up with Omarosa and Cousin Balki.

If Will Clark were there, he might only save one of the women, but even the woman he left for dead would have to admit, "Wow, what a sweet stroke."

If Tony Gwynn were there, he'd start by watching hours of tape of himself saving drowning women to find the holes in his technique.

If Honus Wagner were there, he'd only save one woman, but in the context of the dead woman era, that's worth about three women in today's numbers.

If Ty Cobb were there, he'd save one woman, spike another, and beat up Nomar Garciaparra's uncle for supposedly heckling him.

If Babe Ruth were there, first he'd point to where he was going to save the women, but critics would claim he was just pointing at a passing tuna.

If Lou Gehrig were there, he'd save the two women, but no one would care because Babe Ruth had promised to save three drowning women, two crippled boys, and an autistic kitten the next day.

If Jackie Robinson were there, he'd prove that when it comes to saving drowning women, the color of a person's skin doesn't matter one bit, but sadly, being able to swim does.

If Ted Williams were there, he'd save both women, but when the crowd cheered, he'd scowl and refuse to tip his cap.

If Willie Mays were there, he'd save both women over his shoulders after swimming backwards the whole way, and everyone would say it was the greatest save they ever saw.

If Roger Maris were there, he would save 61 women*.

If the Angels were there, they wouldn't save them all at once, but they'd make things happen in the water and keep the pressure on.

If the A's were there, they'd save the women for a fraction of the cost that the Yankees would have charged to save them.

If the Yankees were there, they would just leave Mike Mussina there to wait for the women to drown while they flew to New York.

If the Royals were there, the Coast Guard would have to be called in to fish out an entire Major League Baseball team from the bottom of Boston Harbor.

If the Braves were there, they'd save 14 straight women, or 11 if you count the year they refused to save any drowning women due to a players' strike.

If the Astros were there, they'd send Clemens, Pettitte, and Oswalt out to save the women, and the rest of the team would sit around reading magazines and making paper airplanes.

If the Cardinals were there, they wouldn't save the women. I mean, sure, they're a good baseball team, but St. Louis ain't exactly known for its swimmers.

If the Cubs were there, they'd let the women drown, but everyone would just say, "Oh well, they can always save some women next year!"

If Honus Wagner were there, he'd only save one woman, but in the context of the dead woman era, that's worth about three women in today's numbers.

I love it. Almost as much as an earlier comment that any league average pitcher could have saved the women just as easily. Kudos nonetheless.

If Rogers Hornsby were there, he'd say, "Sorry ladies, I've got my vision to consider."

If Ernie Banks were there, he'd say, "It's a great day for drowning, let's save two!"

If Michael Jackson were there, you'd have to admit, "Wow, that guy really gets around."

If David Hasselhoff were there, he'd take a few publicity photos in front of the drowning women and say, "I'm not really a lifeguard, I just play one on TV."

If Jaws were there, he'd eat the women, because hey, that's what sharks do. It's just a part of nature so don't feel bad.

If Jesus were there the same day the Red Sox were eliminated from the playoffs, the Second Coming would be page 2 news in Boston papers.

If Jason Giambi's manservant had been there instead of in the Yankee clubhouse, one more b-tch on drugs would have tried to drown.

If Red Smith had been there, he would have said "an empty wet suit was pulled down and Bowie Kuhn got out."

If Gary Miller was there, he wouldn't have made any effort to rescue them. But the ladies would have gotten a little more wet.

If Brendan were there, just when everybody had thought all the women were saved, he would save another hundred women out of nowhere.

Can't help it, some more came to mind...

If Joe Charbonneau was there, he'd rescue the women, but throw his back out in the process and never swim again.

If Pat Corrales was there, he'd karate kick the women out of the water.

If Eddie Taubensee was there, people would still remember him more for being The Guy Who Got Traded For Kenny Lofton.

If Glenallen Hill was there, he'd rescue them with his webbing, then swing off to go fight Doc Ock.

No, if Pat Corrales was there, he would make damn sure Dennis Cook didn't try any nonsense.

If Baseball Primer were there, there'd be 600 posts before the women even realized they were drowning.

If Deion Sanders had been there he'd have saved the women but would have avoided hitting the water.

If Larry Cochelle had been there, the women would've been saved, but after mentioning off the record to Gary Thorne and Kyle Peterson that there was no n*gger in either woman, his career would've been over.

John, through post 600, I only count you as having 78 posts

On at least two levels, this may be the most disturbing post I've ever read here.

If Rick Honetcut had been there he'd have gotten them out easily if they were lefthanded. Then he'd turn them over to Steve Avery who would promptly walk them home.

On at least two levels, this may be the most disturbing post I've ever read here.

Through post 631, PepTech has made 6.

Most of Brendan's were awesome, but I really liked this one:

If Jaws were there, he'd eat the women, because hey, that's what sharks do. It's just a part of nature so don't feel bad.

Through post 631, PepTech has made 6.

Thank god, I thought it was more. Here, I'll get my contribution back up over 1%. :-)

I'm recanting anyway, the raccoon post was much more disturbing (If Meatwad's raccoon had been there,...). HCO, how about compiling the following lists?

- top ten posters by number of posts
- top ten posters by number of contributions (Brandon jumps way up here)
- top ten posts recommended by other posts

Thanks!

top ten posters by number of posts

OK, through post 635, I think this is it.

10 The Rafael Bournigal fan club hates Dusty Baker
12 Yours truly
13 Why
24 bunyon
24 jmac_66
25 Crispix Attacks
27 Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit
35 John Lowenstein Apathy Club
42 John Murphy
84 Brattain

The other two questions would involve actually reading everything.

So this thread contains about 13% of all my posts? Cool.

I'm ahead of you now, jmac!

Were you guys also the kind of kids who would keep score of your baseball video games as a kid?

What do you mean, "as a kid"? Every day after work I go to my neighbor's house to score his games. Yeah, Timmy's mom said I could watch him any time I wanted as long as I stopped heckling him so much. He really had it coming though. How could he let Esteban Yan pitch in that situation with K-Rod sitting in the bullpen? I swear.

If Ugueth Urbina had been there, he would have attacked them with a machete!

If Bret Saberhagen were there the women's clothes would a lot whiter and brighter when they got out of the water.

Best Regards

John

Huh? (re: Saberhagen)

Nice callback, though.

If Matt Diaz were there he wouldn't have noticed a thing because the Royals and Devil Rays never bothered to give him a damn eye exam.

If John Brattain were there the women would have drowned...but he would have recalled them very nicely.

Going back through this I gotta say that 317 was by far the funniest to me. With the Ankiel ones a close second.

Huh? (re: Saberhagen)

Nice callback, though.

He sprayed reporters with bleach.

Best Regards

John

If Jim Bowden were there he would put the women on the DQ list for refusing to switch positions to dry ground.

If John Schuerholz were there, brian jordan would still be out in the water, despite not being able to swim.

If Johnny Damon were there he'd willingly accept being manscaped before donning his pinstriped Speedo.

Best Regards

John

If Tsuyoshi Shinjo had been there, he would have had less drag in the water than any other rescuer.

If David Samson were there he'd ask if the harbour had a shallow end.

Best Regards

John

If Keith Hernandez were there he'd tell everybody that women do not belong in the water.

Best Regards

John

If Delmon Young were there he'd throw a piece of driftwood at them.

Best Regards

John

If Jay Mariotti were there he'd blame the women for the sewage in the water.

Best Regards

John

If David Glass were there he'd expect a reward for letting the women drown.

Best Regards

John

If Josh Towers were there he'd be beaten on like a cheap drum.</snark>

Best Regards

John

Keith Foulke would liked to have saved the women, but Terry Francona let Jonathan Papelbon do it.

If Cecil Fielder were there he'd have just now gotten there.

(Slow bastard.)

If Prince Fielder was there, he'd have bellyflopped onto the women and then paddled around their prone forms concernedly.

If Ceil Fielder were there he'd gamble that he could save both women and then ask Prince to save him.

Best Regards

John

If Cecil Fielder were there he'd gamble that he could save both women and then ask Prince to save him.

Best Regards

John