Once again, Chan Ho Park couldn't stop the bleeding.

Jesus.

Actually, I'm guessing one of the Padres is a vampire.

First Fidel Castro, now Chan Ho Park.

I know deaths and other bad news come in threes...who will be the next internationally controversial figure to be hospitalized for mysterious intestinal bleeding?

I know deaths and other bad news come in threes...who will be the next internationally controversial figure to be hospitalized for mysterious intestinal bleeding?

Gotta be Fabio.

Actually, I'm guessing one of the Padres is a vampire.

They say those Baha'i are gentle, but when I go to the Famous Baha'is site, who do I see listed as the first crowned ruler to be a Baha'i...

that's right, a Queen of guess what country...ROMANIA! Need I say more? Clearly the once-innocuous Baha'i faith has been hijacked by vampires seeking Korean blood for their sepulchral ceremonies, much like the Sierra Club being taken over by anti-immigration activists.

I would like to point out that I just constructed the only sentence ever to contain the phrases "Baha'i faith", "Korean blood", and "Sierra Club". It's time for bed.

Gotta be Fabio.

I Can't Believe It's Not Diverticulosis™.

I would like to point out that I just constructed the only sentence ever to contain the phrases "Baha'i faith", "Korean blood", and "Sierra Club".

And now you've constructed the second. All you've gotta do is find somebody who will pay you to do it.

I Can't Believe It's Not Diverticulosis™.

I was picturing a romance novel about ischemic bowel.

I'm tired of people like Chris Truby and Khalil Greene sucking blood from the necks of pitchers and hitting .260 with an OPS in the high .700s.

I'm tired of people like Chris Truby and Khalil Greene sucking blood from the necks of pitchers and hitting .260 with an OPS in the high .700s.

It would take regular virgin blood feasts to get Truby up to those numbers.

It would take regular virgin blood feasts to get Truby up to those numbers.

That's what I was going to say, but in his rookie year in 2000 with the Astros, Truby hit .260/.295/.477. Coincidentally, several dozen young women vanished in the Houston area around that same time. Their bodies were never found.

his rookie year in 2000 with the Astros, Truby hit .260/.295/.477.

So, he was inhabited by the spirit of Tony Batisita?

I Can't Believe It's Not Diverticulosis™.

I was picturing a romance novel about ischemic bowel.


The etiology of most GI bleeds tend to remain unknown. They just resolve spontaneously.

We had a case recently in which the patient ended up in the ICU. We went from above and below. We did a Meckel's scan and a red-blood tag scan. We threw the kitchen sink. She was still bleeding and we couldn't figure out where. When I left the ICU service, we were about to do a capsule. Surgery was onboard and we were discussing explorative lap. I think I'll check back sometime this week and find out what happened to her.

Anyway, finding the cause of a GI bleed can be tough.

Transfusion transfusion
My red corpsuckles are in mass confusion
Shoot the juice to me Bruce (Bochy)

Vampires are supposed to be pale, and human beings don't get much palerthan this. Greene is definitely the palest person on the Padres.

You'd think that being a professional baseball player isn't the best career for a being who is turned to ash by the sun's rays, though. Presumably he has to coat his skin with some extremely strong and possibly magical sunblock, which explains why he never gets any less pale as the season goes on.

I think I'll check back sometime this week and find out what happened to her.

It's those M&Ms;with Coumadin.

You'd think that being a professional baseball player isn't the best career for a being who is turned to ash by the sun's rays, though.

Dusty wasn't kiddin'!

So, he was inhabited by the spirit of Tony Batisita?

Tony Batista is not a vampire. Brothers and Latinos are built to do well in the sun and the heat. You don't see them hiding from the light of day in dank, shadowy castles.

I'm tired of people like Chris Truby and Khalil Greene sucking blood from the necks of pitchers and hitting .260 with an OPS in the high .700s.

Pfft. Totally misses the original context of the joke.

I'm so sick of all these ballplayers like Khalil Greene and Albert Belle with all their sucking blood from the necks of pitchers and sleeping in coffins and everything.

We had a case recently in which the patient ended up in the ICU. We went from above and below. We did a Meckel's scan and a red-blood tag scan. We threw the kitchen sink. She was still bleeding and we couldn't figure out where. When I left the ICU service, we were about to do a capsule. Surgery was onboard and we were discussing explorative lap. I think I'll check back sometime this week and find out what happened to her.


Wilson's disease! That's what house would diagnose.

Maybe they're reverse-vampires.

Or maybe they're the offspring of both a vampire and a reverse vampire, so they can go out both in the daylight AND night!

It's the worst case scenario, people! EVERYBODY PANIC!!!

Wilson's disease! That's what house would diagnose.

Yeah, but at what minute mark in the show? If it's early, then it's not that.

45 minutes, isn't it usually a neurological issue by then?

Chan Ho should have listened to Satchel Paige and stayed away from fried meats. They angry up the blood.

Let's look at this in a systematic way.

Who is on the Padres roster? There are 25 players.

First you have to rule out all the players that are hicks. There are no hick vampires. And as far as I can tell, the Padres pitching staff consists almost entirely of hicks and/or rednecks, with the possible exception of Chris Young. As a Princeton graduate he may be a vampire, who are known for their elite tastes and well-educated natures. And vampires tend to be very tall, as we saw in Nosferatu and the various Christopher Lee movies.

Other non-vampires on the roster include Josh Bard (nobody who went to Texas Tech could be a vampire), Mike Piazza (we would have heard about it with all the gossip columnists following him around), and all dark-skinned/Latino players (the Padres only have four: Barfield, Roberts, Cameron, Adrian Gonzalez).

I don't think a team could actually win a pennant with a vampire in the clubhouse sucking blood from other players, so that rules out Geoff Blum, Mark Bellhorn and Brian Giles.

That leaves five suspects.

Todd Walker was on the 2003 Red Sox that lost to the Yankees in the ALCS, but as soon as he left the team they became able to beat the Yankees. And now as soon as he joins the Padres, one of the Padres is suddenly missing lots of blood. This is pretty strong circumstantial evidence.

Ben Johnson and Rob Bowen - I have never heard of these guys before. They could be vampires but I don't think they possess the proper exoticism.

Chris Young - an extremely tall intellectual. Suspicious.

Khalil Greene - we've already seen the evidence: the paleness, the religious connection to Romanian royalty, the similarity to Chris Truby.

The case isn't closed. Other thoughts would be valued.

I Can't Believe It's Not Diverticulosis™.

Screw you; my mother has that!

(seriously.)

He lost a lot of blood, but they found most of it.

Wilson's disease! That's what house would diagnose.

Yeah, but at what minute mark in the show? If it's early, then it's not that.

45 minutes, isn't it usually a neurological issue by then?


Real life is crazier than a show. There was a conference recently - case of the week:

30 female w h/o VWD presents with bloody vomiting. Crazy story about having to have an emergency plane landing, detouring a flight originally destined for Germany, emergently rushed to our hospital. Dramatic, bizarre story.

Team couldn't figure out what was going on.

One morning during rounds, the responsible team caught her sucking the blood out of her central line. Psych was consulted.

Diagnosis: Munchausen's Syndrome (Factitious Disorder).

For those unfamiliar, that means she set the whole thing up.

Diagnosis: Munchausen's Syndrome (Factitious Disorder).

You're right, that's another possibility. Park could be making it up. Or maybe it's Munchausen's Sydnrome by proxy and the trainer who's talking to the media actually gave Park some enterohemorrhagic E. coli just so he could get attention and seem to be taking care of Park.

Other non-vampires on the roster include...Mike Piazza (we would have heard about it with all the gossip columnists following him around),

I think Piazza, in fact, may be the most likely suspect. You see, what happened was, the gossip columnists in New York would get calls from anonymous sources who would tell them, "Mike Piazza has been sucking men's--", and then the line would mysteriously go dead. And so a rumor was started, but the columnists never suspected that the missing word was "blood."

It's pretty clear Park got Marburg fever from his pet monkey Flipsy. I mean, come on, guys.

If Park has Marburg fever they should probably get that clubhouse scrubbed really well. The Toronto staph infection situation would pale by comparison.

Then again, Ebola and Marburg were originally thought to be a different disease, which may be relevant to Park in particular.

Boy, at this point, if the next story about Park's progress doesn't contain the words "Ebola" and "vampire", a lot of people are going to be disappointed.

in his rookie year in 2000 with the Astros, Truby hit .260/.295/.477. Coincidentally, several dozen young women vanished in the Houston area around that same time. Their bodies were never found.

The first thing that should be done is to dig up whatever's under that centerfield hump in Minute Maid Park.

I don't think a team could actually win a pennant with a vampire in the clubhouse sucking blood from other players, so that rules out Geoff Blum, Mark Bellhorn and Brian Giles.

I think you're dismissing Giles as a suspect too quickly.

Let's throw his cup of coffee in '95 out the window - it was only nine at-bats.

He gets called up for good in July of 1996. The Indians already have the AL Central under control when Giles comes up. He can't do any damage in the regular season; they're already too far ahead. Mysteriously, though, the '96 Indians lose in the first round of the playoffs after a 99-win regular season.

In 1997, he struggled a bit at the plate for most of the year. He was too busy taking extra batting practice to completely drain his teammates of blood, but they did win 13 fewer games than the previous season. Giles hits the bench for the World Series, getting a couple of pinch-hit at bats. And the team loses.

Let's take a closer look at the timeline of Game Seven of the '97 Series, shall we?

Giles starts the game on the bench.
The team takes a 2-1 lead into the ninth.
With two outs and a man in scoring position, Giles pinch-hits and makes the final out of the inning.
As he walks to the dugout, he crosses paths with Jose Mesa, who immediately blows the save and costs the team the World Series. Did Giles remove a couple pints of blood from Mesa as they passed each other? It's unclear - everyone in the stadium was distracted by Billy the Marlin's wacky hijinks.

Look, I have no idea if the man's a blood-sucking vampire or not, but the evidence is there. You just have to look for it.

The bleeding spontaneously stopped but the Padres aren’t sure what caused it. Hutcheson said the bleeding most likely was in his small intestine. Tests ruled out a bleeding ulcer.

It's just what Koreans do when their bodies are ready to have a baby.

There are no hick vampires

never saw "near dark," eh?

It's those M&Ms;with Coumadin.

Dude, it's a bit early for a morbidity and mortality conference -- and Dr. Coumadin doesn't even conduct those anymore.

Besides, if there is vampirism involved, that would make it a morbidity and immortality conference anyway.

There are no hick vampires.

Lestat was a French hick who became a vampire. I think you're jumping to conclusions.

Lestat was a French hick who became a vampire.

Yes, but Larry Bird was a hick from French Lick.

I don't think he licked any blood though.

from post 27, which is a little long to cite, but ends in:
Look, I have no idea if [Brian Giles is] a blood-sucking vampire or not, but the evidence is there. You just have to look for it.


So maybe some people owe old whatshisface an apology; trading Giles for Ricardo Rincon wasn't that stupid, when you account for the importance of ridding the clubhouse of vampires.

So naturally, I remember John Hart's name after hitting submit.

I think we are all underestimating the clubhouse chemistry of vampires.

Todd Walker was on the 2003 Red Sox that lost to the Yankees in the ALCS, but as soon as he left the team they became able to beat the Yankees. And now as soon as he joins the Padres, one of the Padres is suddenly missing lots of blood. This is pretty strong circumstantial evidence.

And last night, Todd Walker did suck.

Lestat was a French hick who became a vampire. I think you're jumping to conclusions.

Okay, there are FRENCH hick vampires. Rheal Cormier may be a vampire (if the Phils get the wild card this year and the Reds sink like a stone, I think that's your confirmation).

As for Brian Giles, I don't think that Dave Littlefield would have been able to make the one good trade of his career if it involved trading a vampire for prospects. Eight months before the trade you would have heard the first ownership sources quoted as saying "We have some very high-priced vampires on the team, like Brian Giles, that we have to deal because of our small-market status." And Littlefield would have had no leverage at all.