Style Points has confirmed reports from multiple sources that one hundred and six sportswriters for major American newspapers have tested positive for the performance enhancing substance, Sanctimony. Their names are currently being withheld as the testing was done anonymously, as per the bylaws of the Sportswriter Association of America union contract. These results do not come as a surprise to most of the American public, who have been noticing dramatically higher levels of moralizing and faux concern for children, in addition to the markedly increased heights of high horses in Sports pages from Boston to Los Angeles.
“We have no comment on these reports,” said SWAA President and Daily News columnist Mike Lupica. “We only hope that these accusations do not take attention away from the continuing degradation of Americana at the hands of overpaid athletes, from the atrocities being waged every day on honesty, integrity, and most importantly, the American children. ” Early indications are that Lupica is most certainly among the 106 positive results.
...“Actually, I’m kind of glad they’re cracking down on it,” says one columnist, who wished to remain anonymous as to not be ostracized by his colleagues. “I mean, I’m guilty of an overstatement here or there, but some of these guys have taken it to another level. Barry Bonds could have set fire to an orphanage, locked the front door and played the fiddle in the street while it burned and not gotten as hammered as he did by some of these guys. Holy hell people, it’s just baseball. And if I hear one more out-of-touch sportswriter in his 60’s publicly worry about the children of a generation so far removed from himself he wouldn’t know their mentality if it kicked him in his shriveled dick, I’m going to quit. ####, I’ve said too much.”
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I think the joke was funny, but there's not quite enough material for a full article. The headline was pretty much all the funny there was to be had from it. Kind of like 90% of Onion articles in that regard.
I disagree. "Drug Use Down Amongst Uncool Kids" is a funny headline. This is not.
Sorry, but after funnyman Mike Lupica's masterfully sarcastic "it's the media's fault!" column, the bar on steroid-related comedy has clearly been raised.
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