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Thursday, March 27, 2008

Deadspin: Searching for Canseco

Jose showed off his martial arts moves to the man who choreographed “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.” The man watched Jose’s 250-pound body spin and kick and leap into the air for a few minutes and then he told Jose that his moves “were stiff, not very fluid, and you don’t kick very well.” Jose told Rob, “That guy doesn’t know what the #### he’s talking about.”

BEWARE! This article contains detailed depictions of Jose Canseco’s sexual technique. Weak stomaches would be advised to skip this article and move on to something less horrific.

[Editors Note: Direct link.]

Yankee_Redneck Posted: March 27, 2008 at 07:32 AM | 23 comment(s)
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1. Gonfalon Bubble Posted: March 27, 2008 at 08:02 AM (#2721489)

BEWARE! This article contains detailed depictions of Jose Canseco’s sexual technique.

Does it involve balls bouncing off the top of his head?

2. Padraic Posted: March 27, 2008 at 08:04 AM (#2721490)

This article contains detailed depictions of Jose Canseco’s sexual technique.

Then why the hell did you include it in the quote!

The man watched Jose’s 250-pound body...and then he told Jose that his moves “were stiff, not very fluid

3. Shooty: Now rated AAA by Moody's and S&P! Posted: March 27, 2008 at 08:32 AM (#2721502)

You know, one of the things in life I'm most proud of is that I've never had a girlfriend head to the bathroom to finsh herself off after we made the sweet, sweet love. I'll never be rich. I'll never be famous. I'll never write a decent poem or save a drowning child from an icy river. But at least I'm not a Jose Canseco caliber zero.

4. Padraic Posted: March 27, 2008 at 09:55 AM (#2721557)

That was actually a really good article. It's a shame that it couldn't have found a place in print with some tidier editing. Jordan's story on Carlton was one of my all-time favorites.

5. winnipegwhip Posted: March 27, 2008 at 10:56 AM (#2721630)

I think I just read a baseball version of "Boogie Nights"! Will it end with Ozzie and and Jose trying to sell baking soda to a guy who think he is getting cocaine?

6. The Yankee Clapper Posted: March 27, 2008 at 01:14 PM (#2721752)

Even Jose's lawyer calls him a piece of **** and many other unflattering things. While it all may be the truth, I don't believe a lawyer can do that to a client. Hate to say it, but Jose may have a plausible lawsuit.

7. Ron Johnson Posted: March 27, 2008 at 01:39 PM (#2721768)

I'll never be famous. I'll never write a decent poem or save a drowning child from an icy river

How about saving a baby from a burning house (and then a cat, followed by a player piano)

(Homer at the bat is just so awesome. Canseco's not my favorite part of the episode though. Close between Boggs and Mattingly)

8. Guapo Posted: March 27, 2008 at 01:42 PM (#2721769)

I don't know about a lawsuit, if Canseco really owes him all those legal fees. Bar complaint maybe.

It's a little odd that Jordan doesn't identify the lawyer "Rob" by his full name- Deadspin commenters and Google news confirm that his name is Robert Saunooke.

9. Baseballing powerhouse Crispix Attacks Posted: March 27, 2008 at 01:46 PM (#2721772)

Great article. Weird to see it in Deadspin. It reads like it was written for Esquire, edited by the editors at Esquire to sound even more like an Esquire article, and then turned down by Esquire at the last minute because of legal concerns.

You know, one of the things in life I'm most proud of is that I've never had a girlfriend head to the bathroom to finsh herself off after we made the sweet, sweet love.

I'd like to know how you can be so sure of that.

10. Padraic Posted: March 27, 2008 at 01:46 PM (#2721773)

t's a little odd that Jordan doesn't identify the lawyer "Rob" by his full name

I think that it's an aesthetic device by the author used to create the idea that Canseco's world is just this wild, crazy place. He doesn't retain the legal services of Robert Saunooke; he's this crazy #### who hires Rob.

11. Shooty: Now rated AAA by Moody's and S&P! Posted: March 27, 2008 at 01:51 PM (#2721775)

I'd like to know how you can be so sure of that.

Handcuffs.

12. The Politics of Torre: How the HOF Really Works Posted: March 27, 2008 at 01:51 PM (#2721777)

How about saving a baby from a burning house (and then a cat, followed by a player piano)

Didn't Dode Paskert do this?

13. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 27, 2008 at 02:01 PM (#2721781)

Jordan's story on Carlton was one of my all-time favorites.

yes--why isn't it indicated in the lead-in that this was written by Pat Jordan

his "expose" on Steve Garvey was brilliant, as was an OLD piece he wrote on Sudden Sam for SI way back in 1970

14. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 27, 2008 at 02:06 PM (#2721783)

"Didn't Dode Paskert do this?"

Not sure. George Davis saved a lady from an apartment fire on his way to a game, once. There's an account in the NHBA.

15. Mayonnaise Savant (DTM) Posted: March 27, 2008 at 02:24 PM (#2721790)

How about saving a baby from a burning house (and then a cat, followed by a player piano)

Didn't Dode Paskert do this?

I believe it's a reference to The Simpsons where Burns tries to hire MLB stars to beat the Shelbyville team. Canseco ends up not making the game because he's busy saving a woman, her child, and her belongings from a fire.

16. Nightengale Posted: March 27, 2008 at 02:55 PM (#2721818)

The real tragedy is that Esther Canseco killed the better story line. The original script had Canseco missing the game because he had it going on with Ms Krebopple.

17. CFiJ Posted: March 27, 2008 at 03:12 PM (#2721833)

Handcuffs.

Well played. *golf clap*

18. robinred Posted: March 27, 2008 at 03:56 PM (#2721857)

Handcuffs.

There goes the presidency.

19. Shooty: Now rated AAA by Moody's and S&P! Posted: March 27, 2008 at 04:03 PM (#2721867)

There goes the presidency.

Meh. This country doesn't deserve me anyway. I'm more of a Third World dictator sort. You know, the kind of guy that gets things done.

20. The Politics of Torre: How the HOF Really Works Posted: March 27, 2008 at 04:07 PM (#2721870)

#15, I knew that. I just knew that some deadballer saved someone from a fire. Vlad is right about George Davis. I was right about Paskert, too. From Bioproject:

Shortly before leaving the major league scene, Paskert was hailed as a hero for his actions in rescuing three families from an early morning fire. According to newspaper reports, Paskert and a friend were walking home at 1:30 a.m. on February 23, 1921, when they spotted the blaze, which broke out in a Cleveland clothing store before spreading to nearby apartments. While his friend pulled the alarm, Paskert made three separate trips up the burning stairwell, carrying out five children and directing their parents to safety, saving the lives of 15 people. "In rescuing the families," the Cleveland Plain-Dealer reported, "Paskert's hands and arms were burned badly and his face blistered by the flames."

21. The Bones McCoy of THT ... of DOOM! Posted: March 27, 2008 at 04:12 PM (#2721874)

"Paskert's hands and arms were burned badly and his face blistered by the flames."

...and later, under an assumed name of Spanish origin, signed to catch for the Giants and later implicated in the BALCO scandal. He was the second oldest position player in the major leagues behind Julio Franco. When queried about his injuries he related that appreciated the first aid he received but wished that his Good Samaritan had taken off his golf spikes before stamping out the blaze on his face.

Best Regards

John

22. AJM Misses Brodeur Posted: March 27, 2008 at 04:43 PM (#2721904)

Jose Canseco: American Psycho

23. Ricky C. Posted: March 27, 2008 at 07:49 PM (#2722013)

I went Barnes and Noble today and Vindicated was on the shelves. I thought it wasn't supposed to hit until April 1st. Anyway, I flipped through it and it looks like a complete and total dud. He's got nothing this time around. I thought it would be good for 2-3 minutes of skimming, but not even that.

24. Der Komminsk-sar Posted: March 27, 2008 at 08:17 PM (#2722024)

That was a really good article - Pat Jordan strikes again.

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Deadspin: Searching for Canseco

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