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Saturday, July 19, 2008

If Baseball Teams Were Actresses …

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: SCARLETT JOHANNSON
Only recently has everyone realized how hot she really is.

SEATTLE MARINERS: BRITNEY SPEARS
Once had the world at her fingertips. Now can’t even remember to wear her underwear in public.

MSI Posted: July 19, 2008 at 06:54 PM | 57 comment(s)
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1. Slapinions Posted: July 19, 2008 at 09:14 PM (#2865219)

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: SCARLETT JOHANNSON
Only recently has everyone realized how hot she really is.

If by recently he means 'this decade', sure. Who didn't think Johannnson was hot before 2008?

2. greenback345397SM6 Posted: July 19, 2008 at 09:27 PM (#2865225)

Listening to Joe Garagiola on 70s Night in Phoenix, I'd say the Diamondbacks are Pia Zadora.

3. kilgore trout Posted: July 19, 2008 at 09:41 PM (#2865233)

I've seen lists like this before, one of the best was Barstool sports comparing every team to a person on The Simpsons

http://www.barstoolsports.com/article/The_Definitive_MLB__Simpsons_Analogy_List/344/#

4. AlouGoodbye Posted: July 19, 2008 at 09:43 PM (#2865235)

The Pittsburgh Pirates: Alyssa Milano.
Not keen on baseball players.

5. gay guy in cut-offs riding a stegosaurus (MH#1F) Posted: July 19, 2008 at 09:47 PM (#2865238)

#4 wins this thread.

6. Walt Davis Posted: July 19, 2008 at 09:49 PM (#2865240)

San Francisco Giants: Bea Arthur ... old and unattractive ... granted, a couple of Adrienne Barbeaus in the rotation.

Washington Nationals: Alyssa Milano ... lots of revenue potential, bad taste in baseball players

Baltimore Orioles: Elizabeth Taylor ... this is what lawyers do to glamour

Colorado Rockies: Hillary Duff

Chicago White Sox: Meryl Streep ... annoying but effective

Tampa Bay Devil Rays: Eva Longoria obviously

Minnesota Twins: Anna Nicole Smith ... waiting for their billionaire husband to die, hoping they're in the will

7. Walt Davis Posted: July 19, 2008 at 09:50 PM (#2865241)

damn, #4 beat me to it ... and was better

8. Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute Posted: July 19, 2008 at 09:55 PM (#2865244)

Chicago Cubs -- Meg Ryan: Cute and cuddly and all, but in the end what has she really done other than faking an orgasm?

9. Lassus Posted: July 19, 2008 at 10:07 PM (#2865252)

Actually, I think #2 won, but maybe I'm old. ;-)

10. Dag Nabbit Posted: July 19, 2008 at 10:10 PM (#2865255)

Cubs - Jean Harlow. Heck of a prime, but it was over 70 years ago, and hasn't done much since.

Yankees - Marilyn Monroe. Still the standard against which all others are judged. As impressive a run in the 1950s as any has ever had.

11. NortonBl Posted: July 19, 2008 at 10:27 PM (#2865264)

ATLANTA BRAVES: SHARON STONE
Once the hottest name in the 'biz, now just a fading force.

BALTIMORE ORIOLES: JANE FONDA
A legend in the '60s and '70s but you wouldn't touch her in 2008.

C'mon. How are the Braves not Hanoi Jane? I used to love seing her on TBS sleeping though Braves games.

-Bri

12. Esoteric can feel Strasburg slowly slipping away Posted: July 19, 2008 at 10:36 PM (#2865271)

That Simpsons/MLB article really is a golden treasure. But the DRays entry is terribly out-of-date these days.

13. Vrhovnik Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:05 PM (#2865277)

Kansas City Royals: Debra Winger or Margot Kidder, had hot streaks decades ago, now largely off the radar and movie screen

14. Jeff K. Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:13 PM (#2865280)

If by recently he means 'this decade', sure. Who didn't think Johannnson was hot before 2008?

Yeah, I was wondering the same thing.

15. aleskel Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:14 PM (#2865282)

Tampa Bay Rays: Anne Hathaway. Always had the potential, always seemed thiiiiiiis close to breaking out, then ... bam!

16. baseball chick, now with lousy baseball team Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:16 PM (#2865283)

i can't think of anyone for the astros - has to be someone who was pretty good but not sexy for a long time then went downhill FAST

17. Boots Day Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:25 PM (#2865288)

When did "Ghost World" come out? That's when I noticed Scarlett Johansson was hot.

The Rockies are Amy Adams: All the rage for about five minutes, until people got a real good look at her. Plus, she's Mormon.

18. Jeff K. Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:26 PM (#2865289)

has to be someone who was pretty good but not sexy for a long time then went downhill FAST

Courtney Cox-Arquette?

19. AJMacaroni Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:26 PM (#2865290)

Toronto Blue Jays: Pamela Anderson

Canadian. Hasn't been good since the early 90's.

20. aleskel Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:27 PM (#2865291)

i can't think of anyone for the astros - has to be someone who was pretty good but not sexy for a long time then went downhill FAST

Jennifer Aniston?

21. Jeff K. Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:34 PM (#2865292)

Jennifer Aniston?

Heh. Great minds. Though I would argue that Aniston was dead sexy for a little bit, and hasn't gone anywhere near as far downhill as Cox.

22. Dag Nabbit Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:34 PM (#2865293)

Pirates: Kirstie Alley - had a decent stretch around 1990 or so, but nowadays . . . ain't even trying. (Alternate: Kathleen Turner)

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: SCARLETT JOHANNSON
Only recently has everyone realized how hot she really is.

Mila Kunis is probably a better fit here.

23. With 17th Pick, From LA, 1k5v3L KcoLLoP Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:40 PM (#2865300)

ARIZONA DIAMONDBACKS: [Insert name of famous manic-depressive tart de jour]

24. TerpNats Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:45 PM (#2865303)

PHILADELPHIA PHILLIES: SCARLETT JOHANNSON
Only recently has everyone realized how hot she really is.

Mila Kunis is probably a better fit here.

Then which team is Laura Prepon?

25. Walt Davis Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:50 PM (#2865305)

Oakland A's: Maggie Gyllenhall ... indie sweetheart, end up getting spanked

Texas Rangers offense: Renee Zellweiger
Texas Rangers pitching: Polly Holliday (Flo from Alice)

New York Yankees: Catherine Zeta-Jones ... losing their hotness, pretense of classiness, actually just married to a rich old coot.

26. bookbook Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:51 PM (#2865306)

New York Yankees - Martina Navratilova. Absolutely dominating for absolutely ever. Without question not your team.

27. baseball chick, now with lousy baseball team Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:54 PM (#2865309)

laura prepon went downhill the second she dyed her hair blond. she went from smoking hot to bland and boring

but yeah, maybe jennifer aniston. that would work. she was on top of the actress list in spite of her being bland, blah, blond, boring = da killah Bs

28. Jolly Old St. Nick (now, with Screen Name history) Posted: July 19, 2008 at 11:59 PM (#2865311)

The Nats could only be Margaret Hamilton.

29. The Most Interesting Man In The World Posted: July 20, 2008 at 12:21 AM (#2865320)

San Francisco Giants: Susan Lucci. Holding onto yesterday's glory. Oh wait, that was last year. For 2008 Bea Arthur it is.

30. Elston Gunn Posted: July 20, 2008 at 12:34 AM (#2865328)

Who the hell is Renee Zellwejjer?

31. Hello Rusty Kuntz, Goodbye Rusty Cars Posted: July 20, 2008 at 12:59 AM (#2865347)

Who the hell is Renee Zellwejjer?

Your mom.

32. Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute Posted: July 20, 2008 at 01:55 AM (#2865358)

And I had so much hope for this thread. You fellas disappoint me.

33. Charlie O Posted: July 20, 2008 at 03:11 AM (#2865376)

The Giants: Mae West... really hot for your great granfather, dead and cold for you.

34. Tuque Snider Posted: July 20, 2008 at 07:04 AM (#2865397)

The Dodgers: Lindsay Lohan. Rich, stupid, and will never reach their full potential.

...also, apparently, a lesbian. Wonder how long that'll last...

35. TerpNats Posted: July 20, 2008 at 09:41 AM (#2865411)

The Nats could only be Margaret Hamilton.

Perhaps if they get rid of Bowden, they can transform themselves into Billie Burke...although if they're going to remain a witch, I'd prefer they evolve into Melissa Joan Hart.

36. Swoboda is freedom Posted: July 20, 2008 at 10:14 AM (#2865420)

Texas Rangers offense: Renee Zellweiger

What? Kind of thin with a scrunchy face?

37. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: July 20, 2008 at 11:03 AM (#2865438)

Scarlett Johannson is an 80 year old who has smoked 4 packs a day and speaks between puffs of butane.

Also, judging on her interviews, she's either the dumbest person on the planet or just really nervous.

I can think of about 3 or 4 billion people I'd rather have sex with than her.

38. Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute Posted: July 20, 2008 at 11:32 AM (#2865441)

Good for you. Why don't you start making your way down the list? I would suggest beginning with someone willing to have sex with you.

39. baseball chick, now with lousy baseball team Posted: July 20, 2008 at 12:22 PM (#2865460)

40. Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute Posted: July 20, 2008 at 12:43 PM (#2865467)

That's 'cause were all smitten with you. ;-)

41. Sidd [bleeping] Finch (SuperBaes) Posted: July 20, 2008 at 01:20 PM (#2865486)

From oscar's Simpson's link:

Pittsburgh Pirates - Captain Horatio McCallister - Obvious relationship to the sea, but unfortunate things happen when they venture into international waters (resorting to homosexuality, the Roberto Clemente disaster).

Yikes.

42. Jolly Old St. Nick (now, with Screen Name history) Posted: July 20, 2008 at 01:22 PM (#2865488)

the one thing that doesn't never stop amazing me is how much males disagree on what a "hot" female is

i'm especially surprised at how many men here think that stupidity in a woman is a complete turn-off, no matter how blond and big boobed she is. before i came here i always thought that basically all men thought that the 3 most important qualities a female sex partner coud possibly have is blond hair, large boobs and a low IQ and the most important of those is low IQ

Me, I was absolutely shocked when I realized that not all women spend more money on makeup and shoes than on books. I always thought that the average woman's IQ was somewhere around 85, the only TV show they watched was Sex and the City, and that their idea of a perfect man was Sylvester Stallone or Stanley Kowalski.

And then I met a women who clued me in that, guess what?---all women aren't alike. And Lord have mercy, she only owned a few pairs of shoes herself. And still looked pretty damn good without three pounds of makeup.

It sure was confusing.

43. Tim Lincecum doesn't Wang Chung tonite (GGC) Posted: July 20, 2008 at 01:48 PM (#2865504)

I still think of Nancy Kulp when I see Anne Hathaway's name.

44. Matthew E Posted: July 20, 2008 at 02:10 PM (#2865524)

i'm especially surprised at how many men here think that stupidity in a woman is a complete turn-off, no matter how blond and big boobed she is. before i came here i always thought that basically all men thought that the 3 most important qualities a female sex partner could possibly have is blond hair, large boobs and a low IQ and the most important of those is low IQ

then again
maybe it is just the men at this here board

No, I don't think so. In one of my high-school classes there was a poll about what the most important qualities were in the opposite sex. The males of my class were unanimous that intelligence was one of the important qualities; it was the only one that everyone agreed on. And this is just a bunch of cheese-eating high-school boys.

A guy I knew at university said, on this subject, "If she's smart, she can act stupid." Not that he'd want her to, necessarily, but the option was there... but if a woman is stupid, she can't act smart.

45. baseball chick, now with lousy baseball team Posted: July 20, 2008 at 02:15 PM (#2865526)

fred darling boy,

kiss kiss kiss hug hug hug

46. Jeff K. Posted: July 20, 2008 at 02:15 PM (#2865527)

if a woman is stupid, she can't act smart.

According to the movies, if a woman puts on glasses, she is now capable of being a scientist.

47. AlouGoodbye Posted: July 20, 2008 at 02:57 PM (#2865587)

According to the movies, if a woman takes off glasses, she is now a supermodel.
According to the movies, if the most famous man in the world puts on glasses, he is now unrecognisable.
Glasses have magical properties in the movies.

48. baseball chick, now with lousy baseball team Posted: July 20, 2008 at 02:58 PM (#2865590)

Andy Posted: July 20, 2008 at 01:22 PM (#2865488)

Me, I was absolutely shocked when I realized that not all women spend more money on makeup and shoes than on books.
- uh oh. strike one right down the middle. or down the rooster as jim bouton would say

I always thought that the average woman's IQ was somewhere around 85
- uh oh. strike 2 high and inside

the only TV show they watched was Sex and the City
- juuuuuuust a bit outside

and that their idea of a perfect man was Sylvester Stallone or Stanley Kowalski.
- HBP!!!

And then I met a women who clued me in that, guess what?---all women aren't alike. And Lord have mercy, she only owned a few pairs of shoes herself.

- poor grrrl. poverty SUX trust me on this

And still looked pretty damn good without three pounds of makeup.

- lucky woman
most of us look, um, lousy without it. there are very few women who look GOOD without no makeup. the rest of us gotta do what we can with what we got.

i understand you being confused
- grinning

you KNOW that comment is a gimmee for a sexist male joke

49. Ozzie's gay friend Posted: July 20, 2008 at 03:01 PM (#2865593)

Lohan's a lesbian?

Makes sense, I kept seeing her on TMZ with a really feminine looking guy.

50. vortex of dissipation Posted: July 20, 2008 at 03:27 PM (#2865634)

before i came here i always thought that basically all men thought that the 3 most important qualities a female sex partner could possibly have is blond hair, large boobs and a low IQ and the most important of those is low IQ

Um, no. Intelligence is an absolute must, and hair color is pretty much a non-entity. I prefer dark-haired or red-haired women, but if a woman I liked was a blonde, it wouldn't really matter. A sense of humor is important, and compatible taste in music, films, etc., is nice. But you know what the most attractive feature of a woman is? - If she genuinely likes you, that makes her attractive...

Won't disagree with the (non-surgically enhanced) large boobs comment, however. :-)

51. Petunia Posted: July 20, 2008 at 04:09 PM (#2865688)

They really should have closed the thread down after #4.

52. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: July 20, 2008 at 04:20 PM (#2865710)

Good for you. Why don't you start making your way down the list? I would suggest beginning with someone willing to have sex with you.

Fair enough. It's not like this thread is a bastion of realistic sexual thought, but that was probably warranted.

53. baseball chick, now with lousy baseball team Posted: July 20, 2008 at 04:24 PM (#2865717)

vortex,

i still think yall here at this site are different - at least from all the males i know in real life. then of course i don't know males like you in real life

the younger females i know say the only thing males really REALLY care about is sex and the older ones i know say that males don't care if a female has brains as long as they can't tell

54. Richard Gadsden Posted: July 20, 2008 at 07:58 PM (#2865928)

When did "Ghost World" come out? That's when I noticed Scarlett Johansson was hot.

2001. She was 17.

55. Walt Davis Posted: July 20, 2008 at 08:27 PM (#2865954)

the 3 most important qualities a female sex partner could possibly have is blond hair, large boobs and a low IQ and the most important of those is low IQ

Criterion #1 is she must have bad taste in men.

After that, I'm flexible. (They don't call me the Gumby of Love for nothing.)

56. Slinger Francisco Barrios (Dr. Memory) Posted: July 21, 2008 at 09:26 AM (#2866294)

They don't call me the Gumby of Love for nothing.

Just don't get all Pokey on the first date.

57. Slinger Francisco Barrios (Dr. Memory) Posted: July 21, 2008 at 09:27 AM (#2866296)

And personally, I don't think brains, while important, are as important as being nice.

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