McSweeney’s: Fragments from “McNamee! The Musical”

BRIAN MCNAMEE

Roger, I swear,
I’m in such despair.
I never meant to cause you any pain,
But, Roger, see,
They ordered me
To tell them what your shots really contained.

ROGER CLEMENS

If I had a baseball right here in my hand,
I’d hurl it hard at the spot where you stand.
Maybe I’d miss but maybe I’d hit.
Maybe, you numskull, your dumb skull would split.

I’ll flatten you out like a Passover matzo.
Don’t think that I’ll do it? Ask Mike Piazza.
Only an idiot angers an ace.
I’ll unretire my fist from your face.