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Sunday, May 11, 2008

MSN: 8 Reasons Baseball is Lame and Boring

MSN Quick Vomit Launch...all just one dick away.

In just about every U.S. city, if you’re not a fan of baseball, you might as well not be American. Harboring an aversion to the sport is equivalent to burning Old Glory—especially here in Boston, where I live. What? You don’t know Big Papi’s slugging percentage? That’s an immediate flogging. Tell anyone you’d rather walk along the Charles River than spend an afternoon at Fenway Park? You’re looking at five years in Guantanamo Bay, pal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some kind of a namby-pamby anti-sports guy. Football is a part of my DNA and most of my shirts growing up were the color of blood. But let’s face it: Baseball is lame and boring. At the risk of being cuffed and detained by Homeland Security (which, by the way, is why I’m writing this article under a pseudonym), here are eight reasons why.

Statistics

If I want a lesson in mathematics, I’ll walk through the halls of MIT, not the turnstiles of Yawkey Way. We’re supposed to be enjoying ourselves, aren’t we? On-base percentages, opponent on-base plus slugging percentages, sabermetrics … Alan Greenspan might enjoy crunching the numbers, but for those of us who’d rather leave our brains at work, the cold-beverage-intake-to-bladder-outflow ratio makes a whole lot more sense.

Repoz Posted: May 11, 2008 at 08:01 AM | 45 comment(s)
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1. Crashburn Alley Posted: May 11, 2008 at 08:23 AM (#2776538)

Wow...

It's one thing to have legitimate criticisms, but the author doesn't understand the game. My favorite line:

It’s no wonder steroids are such a problem in the league today. Why work out when all you have to do is shoot up?

I love how people think steroids = Popeye's spinach. You still have to work out if you take steroids.

2. Guapo Posted: May 11, 2008 at 08:36 AM (#2776540)

Sniff... sniff... I smell Pulitzer!

3. davoarid in MN Posted: May 11, 2008 at 09:08 AM (#2776547)

I respectfully disagree with the author's sentiments.

4. Cooper Nielson Posted: May 11, 2008 at 09:13 AM (#2776548)

It's funny how this guy acts like he's part of a tortured minority because he likes football more than baseball -- isn't that most U.S. males? (They're WRONG, but there's a lot of 'em.)

5. davoarid in MN Posted: May 11, 2008 at 09:20 AM (#2776549)

Evoke God in public schools, at any bar, or even on national television and you’re likely to be shown the door.

Gee, I never would've pegged him for a conservative.

6. Hello Rusty Kuntz, Goodbye Rusty Cars Posted: May 11, 2008 at 09:29 AM (#2776552)

8 Reasons Baseball is Lame and Boring
By J-Mo

That headline and byline broke my suckmeter.

7. Styles P. Deadball Posted: May 11, 2008 at 09:45 AM (#2776556)

why I’m writing this article under a pseudonym

Great nom de guerre: Lenin... Che... LeClerc... J-Mo.

8. Gonfalon Bubble Posted: May 11, 2008 at 09:51 AM (#2776560)

J-Mo? Jack Morris really must be bitter over his Hall of Fame vote totals.

9. AndrewJ Posted: May 11, 2008 at 10:10 AM (#2776570)

One hundred and sixty two games in a regular season is 142 too many. Come on. By the time July rolls around, a game-winning home run or strike out in the bottom of the ninth doesn’t mean squat, except that it’s finally time to go to bed. Knock the schedule down to one game a week

"Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot."

10. hscs Posted: May 11, 2008 at 10:30 AM (#2776573)

Only 8 reasons? And none of them are Steve Trachsel???

11. buddaley Posted: May 11, 2008 at 10:36 AM (#2776574)

This article by some high school sophomore handing in his assignment he got to at the last minute was worth posting?

12. Crashburn Alley Posted: May 11, 2008 at 10:38 AM (#2776575)

The comments here are nineteen thousand three hundred and twenty-two times more enlightening than the article.

13. Cooperstown Schtick Posted: May 11, 2008 at 10:39 AM (#2776576)

I will say this: each one of his "reasons" included at least one sentence that I agree with 100%.

14. AndrewJ Posted: May 11, 2008 at 10:43 AM (#2776578)

After reading J-Mo's piece I suddenly have greater respect for the restraint of Buzz Bissinger.

15. Le Comble du Bob Dernier Cri Posted: May 11, 2008 at 10:48 AM (#2776580)

#9: Walks: And get this, one thing that can happen in a game is if the batter walks. Yup, he just gets to walk to first. There's no walking in track and field! What's next, a bus to take guys to the next base?

#10: Belts: Baseball players wear belts! How would you like to see LeBron James wear a belt on the court? Would that be lame! A belt is something I only wear to job interviews. News flash, Johan Santana: you already have a job!

16. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: May 11, 2008 at 10:57 AM (#2776583)

They teach math to people walking through the halls of MIT?

17. Cooperstown Schtick Posted: May 11, 2008 at 11:00 AM (#2776585)

They teach math to people walking through the halls of MIT?

Didn't you see "Good Will Hunting?" They conduct their tests on dry erase boards. Duh.

18. PH Posted: May 11, 2008 at 11:08 AM (#2776587)

Baseball is a year-round sport and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying. Between charity events, trades, management shake-ups, and stadium upgrades, teams and the media make it painfully clear: You will think about baseball 360 days a year—OR ELSE!

Yup. I definitely want more NFL Draft coverage to balance it out.

19. Answer Guy Posted: May 11, 2008 at 11:17 AM (#2776591)

Wait, he complains about steroids in baseball and his favorite sport is football?!

Mr. Pot, meet Mr. Kettle.

20. CFiJ Posted: May 11, 2008 at 11:32 AM (#2776603)

Just about all of his complaints work as much, if not more, for football.

2. Physical Fitness - See offensive linemen.
4. Statistics - QB rating, yards per carry, passing yardage, time of possession; football is chock full of stats.
5. Going the distance - Hell, no one plays ironman football anymore! At least 99% of baseball players play both offense and defense.
6. Superstitions - The Immaculate Reception
7. Off-season Shenanigans - Find someone on the street and say, "off-season shenanigans" and the sport they will think of will be "professional football."
8. Fantasty teams - What, he's never heard of fantasy football? I've seen frickin' commercials for it!

1. and 3., they certainly don't apply to football. They're not reasons that baseball is lame by any means, but certainly they don't apply to football.

21. The Clarence Thomas of BTF (scott) Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:01 PM (#2776616)

#20- re point 5: what about Troy Brown!?

22. Biff. You know, for kids! Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:15 PM (#2776622)

You will think about baseball 360 days a year—OR ELSE!

What about the other 5?

23. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:18 PM (#2776625)

Didn't you see "Good Will Hunting?

No. Movies which use the main character's name in the title in a "clever" way are lame and boring.

24. Crashburn Alley Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:25 PM (#2776627)

Movies which use the main character's name in the title in a "clever" way are lame and boring.

Take that, Titanic!

25. rLr Shouldn't Have Drunk The Hot Mountain Dew Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:27 PM (#2776628)

What about the other 5?

Scientology classes.

26. DCW3 * Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:28 PM (#2776629)

They teach math to people walking through the halls of MIT?

MIT Professor #1: Say, did you know that for any real number x, e to the power of i times x equals the cosine of x plus i plus the sine x?

MIT Professor #2: And that the series 1 minus 1/3 plus 1/5 minus 1/7 plus 1/9, et cetera, converges on pi over four?

Passerby: (plugging ears with fingers) Shut up, shut up! I don't want to know this! I just came in here to use the bathroom!

27. Cooperstown Schtick Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:32 PM (#2776631)

No. Movies which use the main character's name in the title in a "clever" way are lame and boring.

So what's your opinion of "Bull Durham?"

28. The Most Interesting Man In The World Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:36 PM (#2776632)

Look at this as a positive - on what other topic does the BBTF community almost universally agree upon?

29. Repoz Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:44 PM (#2776636)

on what other topic does the BBTF community almost universally agree upon?

Rob Base

30. Jolly Old St. Nick (now, with Screen Name history) Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:44 PM (#2776637)

Wait, this is from the MSN Lifestyle page?

And this guy is saying baseball is unmanly?

You beat me to it, Kevin. All that was missing was the "men's cologne" (AKA perfume) ads.

31. Cooperstown Schtick Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:47 PM (#2776639)

You beat me to it, Kevin. All that was missing was the "men's cologne" (AKA perfume) ads.

Huh? When I scratch my monitor it smells like "Driven." Are you saying that's only on my monitor?

Weird.

32. walt williams bobblehead Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:49 PM (#2776641)

All that was missing was the "men's cologne" (AKA perfume) ads.

You mean like this:

www.avon.com/derekjeter ?

33. Answer Guy Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:52 PM (#2776646)

What about the other 5?

I wasn't ready for baseball talk when it began to creep up on me this winter.

Of course there are very few times of the year the NFL isn't being discussed, maybe from about the Pro Bowl to Opening Day/end of March Madness, when all the draft stuff really starts up.

34. baseball chick, now with lousy baseball team Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:59 PM (#2776653)

this guy is a total maroon

and a whiner too. AND he can't write worth spit neither

uck

it isn't unmanly to have no interest in sports. it is the silly petulance - it is soooooooo boring. if he wants to read shakespeare, go for long walks, watch dancing with the stars/the view/american idol/oprah/football (you talk about B O R I N G) or jump in the charles river, he should just have at it.

any man who makes himself sound like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum because he didn't get his way and besides he needs a nap is a disgrace to men

35. baseball chick, now with lousy baseball team Posted: May 11, 2008 at 01:12 PM (#2776665)

kevin Posted: May 11, 2008 at 01:05 PM (#2776656)

Someone here likes to indulge in bondage and discipline fantasies and I know it's not me.

- looks like ima hafta go get out my big black boots and give you a GOOD spankin

36. Answer Guy Posted: May 11, 2008 at 01:20 PM (#2776675)

The bondage and discipline thing again.

Nah. If he's that interested in his jocks looking like "Mr. Universe," it does not necessarily mean he's into B&D;.

It might mean that he's gay.

Not to mention that Mr. Universe is probably up to his chemcially-enhanced eyeballs in PEDs, but whatever.

37. SoSHially Unacceptable Posted: May 11, 2008 at 01:49 PM (#2776700)

No. 6 is the worst coming from a football fan. His is a sport where members of opposing teams gather at midfield after a game to pray. Hell, in the final minutes of close games, you'll see players on one knee exhorting the Lord, "Please, merciful and kind God, help their field goal kicker choke here. Amen."

38. Cooperstown Schtick Posted: May 11, 2008 at 01:50 PM (#2776701)

Most plays, the QB is never touched. He often does nothing but hand the ball to someone else, or make a short lob of a pass that requires almost no physical effort.

I'm guessing you watch a lot of Tom Brady.

39. AndrewJ Posted: May 11, 2008 at 02:06 PM (#2776705)

on what other topic does the BBTF community almost universally agree upon?

The indomitable fabulousness that is Liza Minnelli?

40. Tropical Storm Davis aka Quilvio "Ebola" Veras Posted: May 12, 2008 at 10:00 AM (#2777603)

Ask any football, soccer, rugby, or lacrosse player what they think about rain delays in baseball and they’ll likely give you an answer we can’t print here.

J-Mo must have loved

41. Hector Moreda & The Generalissimo Posted: May 12, 2008 at 10:38 AM (#2777629)

If I want a lesson in mathematics, I’ll walk through the halls of MIT, not the turnstiles of Yawkey Way.

NFL Quarterback Rating Formula

a = (((Comp/Att) * 100) -30) / 20
b = ((TDs/Att) * 100) / 5
c = (9.5 - ((Int/Att) * 100)) / 4
d = ((Yards/Att) - 3) / 4

a, b, c and d can not be greater than 2.375 or less than zero.

QB Rating = (a + b + c + d) / .06

Thank God there's no math in other sports.
And while I'm on the subject, why isn't Johnny Unitas complaining about how these new-fangled ways to objectively measure QBs are killing the enjoyment of the game?* Back in the fifties all you needed to know was if your guy could hit a receiver on a 40-yard fade while head-butting the defensive end, all with a cigar clenched between his teeth.

* Aside from his somewhat-recently reduced oxygen consumption

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MSN: 8 Reasons Baseball is Lame and Boring

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