I want to let all of THT’s readers know that one of our most prolific writers and favorite people, John Brattain, just passed away.
Many of us got to know John through the Baseball Think Factory, where his good humor was always on display. John joined the THT writing team more than four years ago, and he further honed his extraordinary wit, humanity and sense of fun every week on our site (and elsewhere). For a while, he even contributed twice a week. He was one of the people who made THT a truly rewarding experience for all of us.
John is survived by a wife and two teenage daughters. As information about his service becomes available, we’ll pass it along.
EDIT: What awful news. John has been a frequent visitor to this site from just about day one. All of us here very much enjoyed his good humor and wisdom. Like many of you, I’m sure, he and I shared quite a few emails and exchanges. He was always a very funny and classy gentleman, even when he disagreed with you. He will certainly be missed. Our condolences go out to his family and friends. As much as we’ll miss him, their loss certainly is a more difficult burden.—Best Regards, Jim
Just some of the bloggers that John touched…
Baseball Loses A Great Writer And Humanity A Great Person (Lisa Gray)
Goodbye Bones (Matthew/Lookout Landing)
Baseball Writer John Brattain Passed Away (Rince/Bluebird Banter)
BDD Loses One of Its Own…Farewell to Our Good Friend John Brattain (Joe Hamrahi)
John Brattain
A Death In The Family (Cliff Corcoran)
A Sad Day for Hardball Times, Baseball Fans
Death in the Blogging Family (David Pinto)
Good night, funnyman (Peter Collodoro)
The World is Less Funny (Dave Cameron)
In Honor of John Brattain (Bill Baer)
Best Regards, John: John Brattain – 1965-2009 (Maury Brown)
RIP John Brattain (Jona Keri)
John Brattain, 1965-2009 (Neil deMause)
BP Family Loses One of Its Own (Baseball Prospectus)
Best Regards (Larry Mahnken)
To John Brattain ... (Neate Sager)
RIP John Brattain (Pat Lackey)
John Brattain, 1965-2009: Best Regards (Rob Iracane)
John Brattain: I considered him a valuable colleague (Rob Neyer)
A Long Time Ago In A Galaxy Far Away. . . (John’s wonderful Designated Hitter bit for The Baseball Analysts)
Reader Comments and Retorts
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Well, if word ever gets out of my passing I hope there's a BTF thread devoted to it with lots of sick humour from you miscreants. Leave 'em laughin' I always sez.
Best Regards
John
Nice to know I'm not the only guy there who struggles with sabermetrics not named Admiral Ackbar or Randal.
...I'm grateful that the primates put up with my particular brand of lunacy. I've been studying sabermetrics as my latest baseball project hence I'm there mostly to learn from the other posters. However I just can't sit on my keyboard either so I do goofy posts. Under this clown makeup is a guy trying to understand an aspect of baseball who once got a 17% mark on a grade 11 math exam (seriously). Since I'm not mathematically inclined, it's a sloooooooooooooooow process.
By the way, based on your message, I've got a dog you might wish to adopt....
It appears you have a lot in common ,;-) See ya on Primer.
I don't really associate health with koalas. They're asleep probably 90% of the time (a questionable strategy unless you're Byung-Hyun Kim), and on the few occasions when they are awake, they mostly spend their time trying to bite or claw people who hug them.
Best regards,
Vlad
Well I hope thats a laugh Al but I am sad now and I have to go do my Callas Tennis so I can pitch later but Best Regards Your Pal Jack Keefe.
This fairly accurately describes my college years.
Best regards,
Dan
My condolences to his loved ones.
I still send links to your stories on Loria and his franchisicide of the Expos to anyone who claims that it was the fault of the market or the city why the Expos left.
May he rest in peace and may his family take some solace in the knowledge that his wings were very wide.
A half hour later, the priest is walking to his car when another woman walks up to him and says, "Father, I'll give you a bl*wjob for ten bucks." Again, the priest is too horrified to say anything, but he just gets in his car and drives away.
He thinks about these strange incidents all the way back home. When he finally gets to the rectory, he sees Sister Therese working in the office by herself. So he asks her, "Sister Therese, what's a bl*wjob?"
Sister Therese says, "Ten bucks, same as in town."
The local Catholic priest is cleaning up one night and getting ready to go home, when in walk two leprechauns. They look a bit confused, so the priest walks over to them and asks, "Is there anything I can help you with?" After a long pause, one of the leprechauns finally asks the priest "Is there ever such a thing as a leprechaun nun?" The priest thinks about it for a wile, and responds "You known, I don't know that I've ever come across a leprechaun nun, but I'm really not sure. Perhaps you should ask the vicar."
So, the next day, the leprechauns pay a visit to the vicar. Again, one of the leprechauns asks "Is there ever such a thing as a leprechaun nun?". The vicar pauses, and says "Honestly, I have no idea. You might want to ask the bishop".
The leprechauns then move on to the bishop. One of the leprechauns asks the bishop "Is there ever such a thing as a leprechaun nun?". The bishop stares at them a bit, and replies "I don't think I've ever come across a leprechaun nun. However, I cannot say for sure. I would suggest that you ask the cardinal".
Neddless to say, the leprechauns approach the cardinal. After some stammering, one of the leprechauns eventually gathers enough courage to ask the cardinal "Is there ever such a thing as a leprechaun nun?" The cardinal thinks for a long time. Finally, he speaks. "I do not know if there are any leprechaun nuns. It's not something that's ever come up, but now that you ask, I myself would be fascinated to know the answer. Let me get you an audience with the Pope, where together we can get an answer to your question.
The leprechauns are humbled, but agree to an audience with the Pope. When they reach the Pope, they kneel in reverence, but the Pope assures them "Stand, my sons. I understand that you have a question for me. What is it that would you like to know?" Slowly, the leprecahuns stand, and one of them asks, "Your Holiness, we apologize for bothering you with such a trifling question. But we've been to the pries, and to the vicar, and to the bishop, and to the cardinal, and we have to know. Is there ever such a thing as a leprechaun nun?"
The Pope smiles kindly at them, and says "No, my sons. There is no such thing as a leprechaun nun."
Whereupon one of the leprechauns turns disgustedly to the other, and says "Godd*mnit, I told you we f*cked a penguin."
Obligatory Brattain : One of John's passions was the cause of Tim Raines... Raines30.com has a special page up for John. Take some time while you are there to read about Rock's case for the Hall; John will appreciate it.
Jesus, I don't have the time right now to write what I'm feeling.
####, man. I don't even know how to write it.
To me, John was like a friend you never see anymore, maybe once every year or two, but you always think of them as your friend. The same way you would if you started seeing them every week. They're your friend no matter what. Not even your best friend, or someone you'd have as an usher at your wedding, but you'd do a ton of work to find out their address to send them an invitation, more than you'd do for that aunt that nobody talks to. In the few words and time I have, that's all I can do to explain.
I don't think so. But then again, I'm only a captain.
Best regards,
DB
Best regards indeed.
On that note, here's my joke, which I think he would have enjoyed.
One day, flash flooding threatened to overwhelm and wash away a small town. As the waters rose higher and higher, one man, a particularly religious man, climbed to the roof of his house. Eventually, some men in a motorboat came by.
"Jump in!" they cried, but the man waved them off.
"The Lord will save me!" he said. The pleaded with him to get in, but he refused, and they went on their way.
Later, with the waters now reaching the edge of his roof, another boat came by, enjoining him to jump in and go with them to safety.
"No, thank you," he said. "For I have faith that the Lord will save me." The men in the boat tried to persuade him, but he was steadfast, and so on they went.
Now the waters were starting to cover his roof, and the man retreated to the highest point he could. A helicopter came and dropped a ladder, the men in the helicopter waving at him to climb the ladder to safety. But the man still refused.
"The Lord will save me!" he said, and he waited on his roof. The helicopter searched for other survivors in need, and the waters eventually covered the man's roof, swept him away, and drowned him.
In Heaven, the man met the Lord.
"Lord, I believed in you to the end! Why didn't you save me?"
The Lord looked at the man like he was crazy.
"I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what did you want me to do?!"
Best Regards,
Josh
I'm not much of a poster here, so I hope I'm not overstepping, but I was inspired by his posts in the Nomar thread.
Statements from around the baseball world about the passing of John Brattain:
"His jokes tended to go past me" - Derek Jeter
"The best army buddy a guy could have" - Tim Johnson (ex-Blue Jays manager)
"He must have been older than I realized" - Jim Bowden
"Sorry folks. I just wanted to hear his jokes personally." - Matt Wieters
"Hey, remember me guys! I just retired yesterday!" - Curt Schilling
EDIT: Clearly I can't hope to do this as well as John could
Simon
Later that evening, the young man goes to pick up his date at her house. He is introduced to her family and at her mother's insistence, he stays for dinner. He offers to say grace and he prays. He prays and he prays and he prays and he prays some more and he prays. And he prays some more.
Finally, his date leans over and whispers, "Jeez, I had no idea you were so religious."
The young man says, "Yeah, well, I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
Best Regards,
Dock
Happy baseball John, you touched a slew of people, all for the better.
Lance Linden was the "happy baseball" guy
That's Lance Linden's signature signoff (Happy Base Ball). It's actually easy to confuse the two, since they're among the most genial posters we've ever had here.
http://www.ehowa.com/showpicture.shtml?image=bjaysarehefavorite.jpg
In John's honor, my favorite cringeworthy joke:
Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business. They ignored her, too.
So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, the friars did so, thereby proving that…
only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
..
.
Ouch!
Best Regards,
Tim
(miss you, John)
One day, he arrives at her family's house to pick her up and discovers that nobody is home but the younger sister. "Oh, hey" he says, feeling a little awkward. "Hey there, my sister and the rest of the family are out right now, she must have forgotten to mention, but they'll be back shortly if you want to wait. Come on in!" He steps inside the house and looks around nervously. She seems casual enough but he notices again the expression on her face; she's got an extremely sultry look in her eyes. "Hold on a second, make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back," and she heads upstairs. He stands by the doorway, looking around idly, and notices that her panties and bra have been thrown down the stairway from out of sight. He hears her calling above: "Why don't you come upstairs? I've got something for you..."
He immediately bolts out of the house, walking towards his car in a hurry while pulling his keys out at the same time, when he spots the rest of the family pulling up to the house. Everybody has a huge smile on their face; the sister comes downstairs, fully-clothed, smiling as well. "Congratulations," she informs him, "you passed our little test."
The moral of the story:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
Best Regards,
Justin
"Father, I've come about the bell ringer position. I'm the most devout Catholic you'd ever want to meet, and I think that job is my calling. And you can imagine, I really need the job. Will you give me a chance, Father?"
The priest is deeply moved, but taking one look at the man, he is pretty skeptical that he can perform as a bell ringer. After all, he has no arms.
"My son, I hope you won't be offended, but I have to ask. How can you possibly ring the church bell with no arms?"
"Oh, that's no problem, Father. I can do it. Just let me show you!"
Well, the priest figures that's not so much to ask, so the two of them go up to the bell tower so the guy can demonstrate how he can ring the bell with no arms. He goes to the far end of the tower -- as far away from the bell as he can -- and he gets a running start. Turns out this guy has impressive speed, and he builds up a good head of steam, and crashes head-first into the bell. And with a clang, having built up enough force, the thing actually swings and starts to ring.
Father O'Malley is both stunned, and appalled. The man has just slammed head-first into a heavy, cast-iron bell!
"My son! Are you sure about this? That had to be agonizing!"
"Oh, Father, it was fine! I've got a hard head, and I really need the job. Please don't say no." With that, the priest shrugged and gave him the job. He told him to be there for Sunday services, at 8:00.
That Sunday morning, the guy showed up, ready to ring the bell right on time. He climbed to the top of the tower, walked to the farthest point from the bell, got his running start, and threw himself at the bell. Just then, a huge gust of wind came up and blew the bell off to the right. The man went hurtling past the bell, off the other side of the tower, and down to the concrete sidewalk below, dying instantly. A stunned crowd of churchgoers arriving for services gathered, and of course the police were called. Father O'Malley ran out to meet them.
A policeman asked, "Father, do you know this man's name?"
And Father O'Malley replied, "No, but his face rings a bell."
On to the joke:
A preacher dies and goes to heaven. The preacher notices that a cab driver had been given a higher place than he was. He asks God about the situation, explaining that he devoted his entire life to his faith and his congregation.
God responds "We believe in rewarding results here in heaven. Did your sermons inspire your congregation to greater faith?"
"I think so, although to be honest, some did fall asleep from time to time" the minister admitted.
"Indeed," responded God, "but the people that rode in that man's cab not only stayed awake, they prayed the whole time."
Best Regards
Craig
While it is difficult for me to fathom how much I will be losing without his presence, his family recognizes it now and my prays and thoughts will be with them.
God bless.
boudreau and thibodaux are sitting on the dock one day and boudreau says to thibodaux 'thibodaux, if you was to take a long fishing trip and i was to spend a little time wit your wife, and she was to become pregnant, would dat make us kin?'
thibodaux thinks for a minute, and says, 'no, but dat would make us even.'
sorry john that's the best i can do.
I'm glad that a few attempted it though, he wouldn't have wanted it any other way.
John would have liked that one.
I really mean that -- even though I feel worse now.
Local wag Demont Featheringstone strode up to the counter, eyed the brown cassock clad figure minding the pool of bubbling fat and quipped:
"You must be the fish friar."
"No, I'm the chip monk."
A couple of years back, I was in Montreal and wanted to meet up with John, but it turned out that he lived too far away. I'd always had it in the back of my mind to go through his neck of the woods when I next drive to Toronto.
*Or losing my wife, which would be worse for me - since it's harder on those left behind.**
**This is true whether you believe in an afterlife or not.***
***Unless you're Samson or Loria, in which case the afterlife is likely to be hot.
Peace be with you, John -- with you and your family.
Luke 23:43
I prefer their afterlife to be cold: they spend eternity in Montreal running a wildly successful Expos franchise while not permitted to profit a penny.
And John gets to spend eternity pissing on their front lawn.
"John was a fantastic writer who never got a big head." --Barry Bonds
"I told him he shouldn't try to drink a gallon of milk in an hour." --Brad Penny
"Too many amusing one-liners clog up the internets." --Dusty Baker
"John may or may not have been a great writer and an even better guy. But I'm not here to talk about the past." --Mark McGwire
"Gosh, this is a horrible, horrible story. How many wives did he have?" --Al Martin
Doing that really sheds a lot of light on what a brilliant guy John was. It took me ten minutes to be about 3% as funny as he would have been.
Now it's all clear to me though. Brattain is the John who will be missed.
***********************************************
Two Irishmen are sitting at a pub in Dublin. One says to the other "Where are you from?"
The man replies "I'm from right here in Dublin."
The first gentleman is very excited and says "I'm from Dublin too, let me buy you a drink"
The bartender brings them two fresh pints and they continue talking. The next question the man asks is “Where did you grow up?” The other man responds , “I grew up in County Cork”.
The first man gets very excited and says that he was born in County Cork also. The first man buys more beers for this revelation. The next question is where did you go to school. The second man replies that he went to Our Lady of Eternal Suffering. This excites the first man into a fervor.
He loudly proclaims that he too went to Our Lady of Eternal Suffering. While listening to their conversation the bartender hears the phone ring. He is nodding his head and in response to the caller’s question says, “Oh, nothing much happening here, the O'Hara twins are drunk again.”
Best Regards.
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
There is no light bulb, and if there were, we wouldn't need one.
How many John Brattains does it take to change a light bulb?
There's only one John Brattain.
Best regards,
chemdoc
John's passing shows that it can be too late. But taking Dean Dull's advice together with the way John lived his life, I would say you should always do the things that you really want to, because you never know when it might be too late. And enjoy doing whatever it is that you do.
Now, I'm going to go home (before I head off to school this evening), and kiss my wife and son.
John, we'll miss you. But we'll also always remember you.
"Now there is one less economically illiterate #####\"--Joe Sheehan
"John Brattain's #### won't work in heaven."--Billy Beane
"Tell St. Peter there's a new sheriff in town."--Kevin Malone
"I never had sex with that man."--Bill Clinton
"Without Brattain, BTF will be like the Special Olympics."--Barack Obama
"I am surprised. Brattain's fundamentals were strong."--John McCain
Now it's all clear to me though. Brattain is the John who will be missed.
Are you suggesting Jon Daly wouldn't be missed if he were to pass on?
It's a joke, son. I was told to make a joke in this thread.
Daly often "jokes" that everyone hates him. I'm sure he got it. I conflated them for so long because they both post with the same gregarious nature. I will miss John, and would miss Jon.
And you think I wasn't joking?
Only if he didn't blow himself up...
RIP, John, you socially-unacceptable thing, you.A far-too-early goodbye to one of the funniest writers this game has seen in a very long time.
RIP, John, you socially-unacceptable thing, you.
"Brattain was a giant" -- David Samson
"He had a way with words" -- Yogi Berra
I'm not sure this one will work written out so you might have to say the punch line to yourself.
Bob and Lorraine are in marriage therapy and Bob admits that he's been having an affair with his secretary, Deirdre. His wife Lorraine is of course deeply upset. But, following the advice of the therapist, Lorraine stays, Bob ends the affair, and they try to fix their marriage.
Unfortunately, it doesn't work out and 6 months later Lorraine moves out.
Shortly after that, Bob bumps into the therapist on the street.
"I was sorry to hear that you two broke up. How are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine ... I can see Deirdre now Lorraine has gone."
Q: What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
"Well, one of my brothers moved to Australia and the other moved to America, so I order a pint for each of them too and drink a beer for them."
This goes on for a while until one night the Irishman comes in and orders 2 beers. The bartender serves him the beers and says "I'm sorry for your loss". The Irishman looks puzzled so the bartender says "when you only ordered 2 beers I figured one of your brothers passed away".
The Irishman says "no, they're both fine. It's just that I gave up drinking for lent."
Best Regards,
Brian
Edit: ####, the nanny even gets Tebeau's name. Shall we nickname him "Pushy" and everyone can figure it out or look him on BBRef.
"Father," he says, "I am the brother of the man who you had just hired, and to honor his memory, I ask that you allow me to take up the work he left behind."
Reluctantly, the priest agrees, and the next Sunday the man climbs to the top of the tower, runs towards the bell, and leaps right past it over the edge, falling to his death, just like his brother.
The same policeman is waiting outside for the priest and asks, "I suppose you don't know this guy's name, either?"
"No," says the priest, "but he was a dead ringer for his brother."
...and everyone ####### about the American health care system...
Best Regards,
Eric
In honor of John, I will try to post some humor that includes Canada, Christianity and death:
A Canadian couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Canada and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.
However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject : I've Arrived
Date: March 23, 2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. Sure is hot down here!
And P. S. John, you'll certainly be missed.
Best Regards,
wr
PLEASE give everything you can.
Mike Piazza--"This is tough to hear; my back is breaking out again."
Pete Rose--"I was betting on him to get through the surgery."
Best Regards
Huh, I was quoted on that page.
####. just. ####...
john, i admired your talent, your persistance, your heart, your devotion to your family.
i can't do the joke, man. i know you meant it, but...i just don't have the heart to make a joke when
you just put a big hole in my life. you will be missed, my friend.
best regards,
alex
St. Peter looked at God and said "You wannna #### around or you wanna play golf?"
It would be awesome, although terribly unlikely, if we could get enough money to liberate the Marlins. A fitting tribute.
There are apparently ways to extract a link instead of a button, which you can do on the paypal merchant page -- if you request a button but click something like "Encrypt: No" you will just get a link which can be copied/pasted. (This is what I gained from googling -- apparently it's not believed to be possible for mere mortals to do it, only for the person who is running the donation.)
Terrible Carnac joke in John's honour...
Answer: Bob, Ivory, David Samsom
Name a Hope, a Soap and a Dope.
RIP John you will be missed.
Best Regards,
Frank
Thanks for telling us about the fund, Larry.
Top Ten Sabermetrically Endorsed Reasons I'm Glad that SOB is Gone
10. Sure he hit for a good laughter average but how many posts did he waste.
9. Laughter from John's posts will no longer bother my mother who lives upstairs.
8. You would rather get rid of a poster a year too early than a year too late.
7. He would never take a free pass at a pun.
6. He probably would not have contributed to the next good primer squad.
5. We have some kids on the primer farm team who have shown promise with double entendres, and as we know that means we can expect their power to develop as a Brattain replacement.
4. TANSTAAHPP...There Ain't No Such Thing As An Humorous Primer Poster
3. Cordiality and good humor are the inside baseball of the old generation...snark and arrogance is where it is at.
b. He was not mathematically inclined.
1. I'm not.
Best Regards,
Frank
1. If you adjust for country, he was only barely above replacement level.
In the tradition of "man walks into a bar jokes" this is the shortest joke I know.
A baby seal walks in a club.
Best Regards,
Wayward
Seamus and Patrick are walking down the street in Dublin one Saturday Night, trying to think of what to do. As they pass by the church, they see that Father Liam is hearing confession. Patrick says to Seamus "I've got to speak to the Father. Wait here."
Patrick moves into the confessional and says "Bless me Father, for I have sinned." Father Liam says "Patrick, as I live and breathe! It's been ages. Confess to me your sins."
Patrick says "Father, I have committed adultury. Can you give me absolution?"
Father Liam says "Patrick, that's terrible. But I cannot give you absolution without knowing the whole story. You must tell me who you committed the sin with."
"Oh no Father. I couldn't do that! I wouldn't want to speak the dear lady's name in a place like this."
"Well then, I cannnot absolve your sin. Tell you what, how about if I guess the lady's name, and you merely tell me if I'm right or wrong?"
"Well, OK. I suppose there's no harm in that."
"Very well. Was it Mrs. O'Hara?"
"Oh no Father! Not Mrs. O'Hara! How could you think of such a thing?"
"Well, well, calm down my son. Was it mrs O'Reilly?"
"Saints be praised father! Not Mrs. O' Reilly! She's been like a mother to me all these years."
"Very well then. Was it Mrs. O'Neill?"
"Father! No!! Mrs. O'Neill and me sister are best friends. It would break her heart if something I did came between them. Put that out of your mind Father!"
"Well, then, I can't think of anyone else. If you won't tell me, I cannot give you absolution."
"I understand Father. Thank you for your time."
Patrick walks out and meets Seamus on the sidewalk. Seamus asks "Well, did you get absolution?"
"No, but I got three good leads."
Seconded. Done, and done, and my donation is in. It would be nice to see how much money we end up raising for his family, though I haven't thought through the privacy aspects of revealing that.
Of course, if John is just faking, this is a great get-rich-quick scheme :-)
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