The Relocation Bible

Everybody seems to want to move in baseball. With the Marlins, Twins, Royals, and A’s being denied in their attempts to gain a nice, pretty stadium at taxpayers’ expense and stadium funding and Portland’s mayor not being keen on the idea, baseball’s relocation options are limited. This is even before considering a team like the Devil Rays that also has been hinting at a move if they don’t get everything they want. So, here's a quick guide to the possibilities, more than enough to handle all those teams' relocationary needs.

Las Vegas

Pros

Lots of money and a large potential luxury box clientele.

Busy MLB executives can use casinos as an opportunity to take a break from their jobs and get to make stupid decisions and spend recklessly for a change.

Large population growth

Cons

Combination of hookers, nightlife, and drinking provide a daily opportunity for baseball star to end up on front pages for the wrong reason.

Large population growth of Las Vegas is predicated on the notion that future generations of new residents won't be interested in having access to water.

Very small television market.

Cedar Rapids

Pros

Large Eastern European population to worship Eastern European baseball players of limited ability.

Cedar Rapids is home to some paved roads.

Low minority population to keep Old Timey Southern Conservatives and Elitist Liberals from feeling too creeped-out.

Cons

In Iowa.

Only 120,000 people.

'Jimmy's Garage/Notary/Dairy Queen' might not provide the advertising dollars Cedar Rapids would need to compete.

Rome, Italy

Pros

Metropolitan population of 4,000,000.

Growing baseball's popularity in Italy has side effect of next World Baseball Classic team containing at least a few players that are from Italy or have been to Italy or can speak Italian.

If an Italian government doesn't give MLB its demands, all MLB has to do is wait 3 months for the next time the government falls apart.

Cons

The religion of Catholicism has a large head-start in marketing over religion of baseball.

American baseball fans frequently confused by existence of foreigners.

Rome isn't used to being looted by barbarians anymore, thus frustrating any attempts by Bud Selig and Bob DuPuy.

12th Century England

Government rather unfriendly towards unions.

Life expectancy in the 30s would provide a great help to teams wanting to get out of bad contracts to veteran players.

No steroids.

Cons

Concession stands of 12th century English food probably not of the highest quality.

Populace may not have heard of sport not invented for 700 years.

Possible timeline changes, like Arthur of Brittany becoming king or Ozzie Guillen becoming evil dictator of a post-apocalyptic 20th century society.

Mordor

Pros

Very low real estate costs.

Middle-earth residents already familiar with the grand, bombastic, cliche-ridden phrases that are preferred by athletes when speaking to the media.

With hobbits and dwarves, David Eckstein will finally be taller than someone.

Cons

Seismically unstable region.

Lots of corpses to clean up before stadium construction begins.

Rather small television market.

Fictionia

Pros

You don't have to pay a team made up of fictional people.

If you don't generate any revenue, you get a lot of revenue-sharing dough.

If imaginary city doesn't give into your demands, you can easily move team to new imaginary city.

Cons

John Kruk already appears to live there, thus ensuring he'll be hanging around.

Extorted Imaginary Dollars don't convert easily into US Dollars - only Congress can do that.

Do you want to go somewhere a baseball owner imagines?