“I’m optimistic by nature. And I’m going to take this experience and things that I’ve learned and hopefully be a productive member of our community,” he said.

Isn't that what people say at their parole hearings?

If this happens, I will write the F-word all over the Internet.

The F-word.

I look forward to when it happens, only for the absolutely epic nature of the thread. With any luck, his acceptance speech will reference Iraq, steroids, abortion, and the DH.

The nice thing about Alberto Gonzales is that he unites the Left AND the Right. I can't think of a single politically-engaged person, from Gramscian academic Leftist to ultra-conservative Buchananites and everyone in between, who doesn't view him as the worst sort of disgusting party hack. He made liberals genuinely nostalgic for good ol' John Ashcroft, and that's saying something.

I'm sure he'll forget all about this very soon.

With any luck, his acceptance speech will reference Iraq, steroids, abortion, and the DH.

You forgot torture.

You forgot torture.

No I didn't. Threads about topics like Iraq, steroids, abortion, and the DH are torture.

I look forward to when it happens, only for the absolutely epic nature of the thread. With any luck, his acceptance speech will reference Iraq, steroids, abortion, and the DH.

The guy can't even remember what he had for breakfast, there's no way he remembers any of that stuff.

Finally we'd have some breakthroughs in busting the enormous PED manufacturing and distribution network headed up by McGwire, Bonds, Sosa and Al Qaeda.

Also, umpires will now have electrodes attached to Questec and will be shocked every time they get a call wrong.

Isn't that what people say at their parole hearings?

That really is something, ain't it? Here's a "highly skilled professional" who has just held one of the highest offices in the land ... and he _hopes_ to be a productive member of society?

Anyway, I'd be happy to see him in an orange jumpsuit picking up trash on the side of the highway.

He made liberals genuinely nostalgic for good ol' John Ashcroft, and that's saying something.
He will make Primates genuinely nostalgic for good ol' BeelzeBud, and that's saying something.

It's sad/funny, Eso, just the other day I found myself thinking that Ashcroft wasn't so bad after all.

I am starting to become a believer in karma, now that I'm reading all these stories about how this hack can't find a job because no one will hire him.

Anyway, I'd be happy to see him in an orange jumpsuit picking up trash on the side of the highway

In between waterboarding sessions.

You forgot torture.

I'm sure AG will forget to mention torture too.

It's sad/funny, Eso, just the other day I found myself thinking that Ashcroft wasn't so bad after all.

I think a lot of liberals read about Ashcroft's stand on the warrantless wiretap program -- and how he held out even when Gonzales and Card disgustingly tried to mau-mau him in his hospital bed as he was weakened and and half-conscious, recovering from life-threatening surgery -- and were forced to reevaluate their opinion of him. Sure, he was/is a fairly humorless uptight straight-arrow type, but he was a straight-arrow type first and foremost. He took the rule of law seriously and realized there was a point beyond which no Attorney General could ever go without sacrificing their intellectual integrity and American legal principles.

As much as Ashcroft was a figure of fun for many of us (even some of us more laid-back libertarianish folks on the Right), and as misplaced as some of his priorities were (war on drugs & illegal pornography, feh - though it hardly distinguishes him from previous AGs), at his core he took the job seriously. When Bush and his cronies asked him to sign off on the outrageous warrantless tap renewal, it would have been oh-so-easy to do it...but he stood his ground. And then was forced to resign for his troubles.

He deserved better from everyone - from his reflexive enemies on the Left, and from his supposed "friends" on the Right. Oh well.

I can picture Repoz laughing maniacally as he posted this thread, knowing the evil that he would be unleashing. :-)

I can picture Repoz laughing maniacally as he posted this thread, knowing the evil that he would be unleashing. :-)

And his subsequent super-villain howl of frustration as people offer non-partisan forgiveness of Ashcroft.

sigh

here we go again. icky politicks

do you think gonzalez used roids? or maybe was mcgwire's dealer?

i bet he used barry lamar to inject roids into the waterboards

here we go again. icky politicks

Eh, it won't get that icky. Hard to get all nasty and disagreeable when me, Edmundo, Lassus (and probably Nieporent, Joey B., Andy, and robinred) all pretty much agree on how awful Gonzales was. As I said: he's a uniter, not a divider.

Count me as one who gained a lot of respect for Ashcroft when he wouldn't go along with the illegal wiretapping.

Gonzales doesn't seem to possess the same integrity.

I really can't see this turning into a fight, though. I mean, not even Beano can try and defend Gonzalez, right?

I definitely share the experience of reading about the hospital fights referenced in 14 and thinking "my god, how is John Ashcroft turning out to be the hero of this story? Just how terrible must these other guys be?"

I'd rather have Steve Garvey as Commissioner.

I continue to hold stuff against Ashcroft, though I certainly gained respect at the same event as Johnny. He lost to a dead man in Missouri, and was a little bit too religously conservative for me. I want my attorney general not to have an agenda, and I feel that Ashcroft was intent on legislating his Christian beliefs.

I don't question his overall competence, and I certainly don't question his fortitude after hearing about the sickbed thing.

Wouldn't it be a treat if the new Commissioner was a backup infielder for the Yankees? Is Gonzo still in the system?

I can think of a few umpires I wouldn't mind seeing Gatoradeboarded.

Wouldn't it be a treat if the new Commissioner was a backup infielder for the Yankees? Is Gonzo still in the system?

He (sigh) is a Nat.

Gonzales would eliminate drug testing and instead would implement torture to determine who was taking steroids or other banned substances.

Primey for 7, with kudos to 6 for the 2007 Joba Chamberlain-like setup.

I think a lot of liberals read about Ashcroft's stand on the warrantless wiretap program -- and how he held out even when Gonzales and Card disgustingly tried to mau-mau him in his hospital bed as he was weakened and and half-conscious, recovering from life-threatening surgery -- and were forced to reevaluate their opinion of him. Sure, he was/is a fairly humorless uptight straight-arrow type, but he was a straight-arrow type first and foremost. He took the rule of law seriously and realized there was a point beyond which no Attorney General could ever go without sacrificing their intellectual integrity and American legal principles.

As much as Ashcroft was a figure of fun for many of us (even some of us more laid-back libertarianish folks on the Right), and as misplaced as some of his priorities were (war on drugs & illegal pornography, feh - though it hardly distinguishes him from previous AGs), at his core he took the job seriously. When Bush and his cronies asked him to sign off on the outrageous warrantless tap renewal, it would have been oh-so-easy to do it...but he stood his ground. And then was forced to resign for his troubles.

This describes my feelings almost perfectly. I didn't particularly like Ashcroft (still not a big fan), but mostly because I disagreed with him on substantive issues. I had no idea, of course, that he would turn out to be one of the only people in the administration who actually took his job seriously and had some integrity.

What, Mike Brown wasn't available?

"I would love a job in baseball, a plug there — I can do it."

I don't think Alberto has the curveball to make it in the majors.

Alberto Gonzales goes job hunting....

ALBERTO: Nobody's hiring now. The market's terrible.

JERRY: So what are you gonna do?

(Alberto realizes he's made a mistake)

[Jerry's Apartment]

ALBERTO: I like sports. I could do something in sports.

JERRY: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. In what capacity?

ALBERTO: You know, like the general manager of a baseball team or something.

JERRY: Yeah. Well, that - that could be tough to get.

ALBERTO: Well, it doesn't even have to be the general manager. Maybe I could be like, an announcer. Like a color man. You know how I always make those interesting comments during the game.

JERRY: Yeah. Yeah. You make good comments.

ALBERTO: What about that?

JERRY: Well, they tend to give those jobs to ex-ballplayers and people that are, you know, in broadcasting.

ALBERTO: Well, that's really not fair.

JERRY: I know. Well, okay. Okay. What else do ya like?

ALBERTO: Movies. I like to watch movies.

JERRY: Yeah. Yeah.

ALBERTO: Do they pay people to watch movies?

JERRY: Projectionists.

ALBERTO: That's true.

JERRY: But you gotta know how to work the projector.

ALBERTO: Right.

JERRY: And it's probably a union thing.

ALBERTO: (scoffs) Those unions. (sighs) Okay. Sports,...movies. What about a talk show host?

JERRY: Talk show host. That's good.

GEORGE: I think I'd be good at that. I talk to people all the time. Someone even told me once they thought I'd be a good talk show host.

ALBERTO: Really?

ALBERTO: Yeah. A couple of people. I don't get that, though. Where do you start?

JERRY: Well, that's where it gets tricky.

ALBERTO: You can't just walk into a building and say " I wanna be a talk show host."

JERRY: I wouldn't think so.

ALBERTO: It's all politics.

While I understand the appreciation, which I share, truly, for Ashcroft's shining moment in his hospital bed, he did a hell of a lot of damage by abetting and furthering Bush's policies the rest of the time. It's a Neifi career with a Game 7 home run, is what it is. Except a lot worse. As for Gonzalez as baseball commish, I dunno. By way of comparison I was going to say Goebbels might have done a pretty good job running the 1972 Munich Olympics, but Goebbels was a pretty competent guy, in the strictest sense of that word, whereas Alberto just looks and sounds like he'd #### up anything.

You know those posts you regret, so you go back, but the time limit has expired and the edit function has disappeared?

Eh, it won't get that icky. Hard to get all nasty and disagreeable when me, Edmundo, Lassus (and probably Nieporent, Joey B., Andy, and robinred) all pretty much agree on how awful Gonzales was. As I said: he's a uniter, not a divider.

Yes; here's the thing: even if you liked Gonzales's agenda, you'd dislike him for his incompetence at executing it. There's really nothing to defend about him.

I continue to hold stuff against Ashcroft, though I certainly gained respect at the same event as Johnny. He lost to a dead man in Missouri, and was a little bit too religously conservative for me. I want my attorney general not to have an agenda, and I feel that Ashcroft was intent on legislating his Christian beliefs.

Sigh. He did not "lose to a dead man." He lost to a just-widowed woman.

Sigh. He did not "lose to a dead man." He lost to a just-widowed woman.

Well, sort of. Yes, everyone knew Jean Carnahan would be appointed if Mel won. But in point of fact, the name on the ballot that voters were checking, or whatever the hell the voting technology in Missouri causes them to do, was the dead man's. So it's perfectly accurate to say Ashcroft lost to a corpse, and perfectly fair in the context of a joke IMO (as long as you're aware of the background).

There's really nothing to defend about him.

Oh, sure there is. He was the perfect toadying tool.

sigh
here we go again. icky politicks
do you think gonzalez used roids? or maybe was mcgwire's dealer?
i bet he used barry lamar to inject roids into the waterboards

And what do you think his favorite Minutemen song was?

And what do you think his favorite Minutemen song was?

"Joe McCarthy's Ghost?" "Sell Or Be Sold?" "It's Expected I'm Gone?"

Oh wait, it's "Toadies" of course.

So it's perfectly accurate to say Ashcroft lost to a corpse, and perfectly fair in the context of a joke IMO (as long as you're aware of the background).

Except this is never mentioned as a pure joke. It's brought up (exclusively by online Kos-style liberals) as a snarky crack that is ALSO supposed to suggest a deeper truth about how pathetic Ashcroft was. ("He couldn't even beat a dead man!")

But that's ridiculous. It's not even funny because it's premised on a fallacy: pretty much ANYONE would have lost to the dead man under the same circumstances. Ashcroft was actually on track to win reelection according to the polls until a wave of sympathy swept Carnahan's widow into office.

It's a stupid joke that has always bugged me.

I definitely share the experience of reading about the hospital fights referenced in 14 and thinking "my god, how is John Ashcroft turning out to be the hero of this story? Just how terrible must these other guys be?"

I gained respect for Ashcroft after hearing about his role here, but he wasn't the hero. If anybody, that's James Comey.

Ashcroft, being competent and having principles, was not a typical GWB appointee. Gonzales, an unqualified crony, was.

Except this is never mentioned as a pure joke. It's brought up (exclusively by online Kos-style liberals) as a snarky crack that is ALSO supposed to suggest a deeper truth about how pathetic Ashcroft was. ("He couldn't even beat a dead man!")

But that's ridiculous. It's not even funny because it's premised on a fallacy: pretty much ANYONE would have lost to the dead man under the same circumstances. Ashcroft was actually on track to win reelection according to the polls until a wave of sympathy swept Carnahan's widow into office.

Maybe it's just early, but I'm taking that personally.

a) I've never even gone to that website
b) I don't think "just about ANYONE" would have lost that race. All accounting that I could find had it as a tight race up to that point. A sitting Senator should be able to use incumbency to put away the challenger far earlier than Ashcroft did. To his credit, he did suspend campaigning when Carnahan died. But Missouri voters pulled the lever for a dead man rather than for Ashcroft.
c) It's no more or less funny than any political race would be in the situation that a person was elected posthumously to the Senate.

Even MLB isn't tin-eared enough to make AG or GWB the commissioner. A small part of me hopes they do, though, so I can finally stop wasting so much of my life obsessing over MLB.

I just don't know if I'd take Selig as Commish next week rather than GWB. Politically, I couldn't be more different from W, but I think that he and I have more substantive agreements about baseball.

I know he was against the Wild Card, and I was/am too. I figure him to be an anti-salary cap free trader, and I am too. I presume he's for torturing underperforming members of the Royals, and I am too.

Even MLB isn't tin-eared enough to make AG or GWB the commissioner.

No, I think they'd take GWB. The question is whether he'd take the gig.

I presume he's for torturing underperforming members of the Royals, and I am too.
Ooh, nice touch, except the Royals players don't underperform, they just have little to no talent.

Actually, I had originally typed "Pirates", but was busily bashing them in another thread, so I changed it.

I guess one could say "Rangers" or "Mets" or something to make the analogy sing.