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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

AP: Garciaparra Rescues Two Women in Boston

Not past a diving Garciaparra?

Former Red Sox shortstop Nomar Garciaparra rescued two women who had fallen into Boston Harbor late last week, his uncle and a witness told the Boston Herald.

Garciaparra, traded to the Chicago Cubs on July 31, 2004, was with his uncle in his Charlestown condominium at about 10 p.m. Friday when they heard a scream and a splash, said the uncle, Victor Garciaparra.

As soon as the All-Star shortstop and two-time American League batting champ ran out the door to help the woman, her friend also fell in, hitting her head on the pier, said Victor Garciaparra, who oversees his nephew’s business and charitable ventures.

Thanks to ess eff

Repoz Posted: October 12, 2005 at 06:42 AM | 661 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
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101. scotto Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:27 PM (#1678928)

I'd say Kirby's remains the funniest.

102. Eli Hungerford: Cityboy Crypto-Elitist for hire Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:27 PM (#1678929)

If Mrs. Jose Lime were there....

Hmmm, how to finish this one?

103. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:28 PM (#1678930)

If Chris Truby and Albert Belle had been there the Dark One would have saved them.

104. Schilling's Sprained Ankiel Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:28 PM (#1678931)

If David Wells was there, he would have saved the ladies easily, but would have himself drowned after environmentalists rolled him back in the water.
DB

105. scotto Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:30 PM (#1678934)

If Mrs. Jose Lime were there....

The women would've been saved by Coast Guard-approved flotation devices?

106. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:30 PM (#1678935)

If JD Drew had been there he'd have held out for one more person to save.

107. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:30 PM (#1678936)

If Jose Canseco were there he would've put on water wings to rescue them and later claim that 80% of major leaguers can't swim without them.

Best Regards

John

108. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:30 PM (#1678938)

If Scott Boras had been there he'd have saved 10% of both women.

109. Cris E Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:31 PM (#1678940)

Ty Cobb could have saved them if he wanted to.

110. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:31 PM (#1678941)

If Mrs. Jose Lime were there....

Hmmm, how to finish this one?

Well, you know she doesn't have to worry about ever drowning. :-)

111. Orin Incandenza Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:31 PM (#1678942)

If Bobby Thigpen were there, generations of fans would say he performed well but really just kind of got lucky to have those opportunities.

If Mitch Williams were there, they would've pushed him away and tried to save themselves.

If John Wetteland were there, he would've pushed them around in the water until they were at the absolute brink of drowning before he saved them.

If Rod Beck were there, he would've saved them but he'd still look disgusting.

If John Rocker were there, he would have lifted them up in an amazing display of strength before starting a fight and throwing them back over in frustration.

If Armando Benitez were there, he would have saved them both, but you still wouldn't quite feel comfortable with him.

If Robb Nen were there, he would have saved them both, but nobody would have noticed.

If Curt Schilling were there, he would have saved one and lost the other, but reminded us that he's not really a lifeguard and it's a tougher job than it looks and that he's the GREATEST SPORTS HERO OF ALL TIME.

And of course if Mariano Rivera were there, he would've made saving them look easy. (After turning off the electric fence.)

112. Moe Jorgan Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:32 PM (#1678948)

Billy Beane never should have thrown those women into the water.

113. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:32 PM (#1678949)

If Griffey had been there, he would have pulled his hammy and their deaths would have been blamed on his bloated contract.

114. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:32 PM (#1678950)

If Dusty Baker had been there he'd have left them in too long.

115. Cris E Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:32 PM (#1678951)

Manny saved bot, but as he was walking off the pier he threw one back without thinking.

116. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:32 PM (#1678952)

If Matt Harrington were there he would've made five rescue attempts before drowning himself.

Best Regards

John

117. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:33 PM (#1678953)

I'm not sure if 112 beats 79 but damn it's close. Nicely done.

Best Regards

John

118. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:35 PM (#1678959)

If Willie Mays or Rabbit Maranville had been there, they would have caught the ladies with a basket.

119. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:35 PM (#1678961)

I'm not sure if 112 beats 79 but damn it's close. Nicely done.

I was going to say the same thing

if Billy Martin were there, he would have been too drunk to save either of them, but he would have beat the sh*t out of one of them

120. Cabbage Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:36 PM (#1678962)

If meatwad had been there he would have saved them, and performed PCR.

121. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:36 PM (#1678963)

Billy Beane never should have thrown those women into the water.

RDF, MBS, yes.

But of course, if Billy Beane had been there it would have been a crapshoot - his #### doesn't work in the water.

122. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:37 PM (#1678969)

Milton Bradley would've saved 'em and then straight-up choked those beeaches.

123. Michael Kay Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:39 PM (#1678975)

Juan Rivera never should have thrown those women into the water.

124. Old Matt Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:41 PM (#1678982)

Mia Hamm is jealous.

125. Dread Pirate Dave Roberts Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:41 PM (#1678984)

If Derek Bell were there, he would have slowly started to wade in the water, then watched Nomar jump in to try to rescue them. He would have complained that he wasn't aware that it was a competition to save the women, and that if they weren't careful he would just stop his rescue attempt all together.

126. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:41 PM (#1678986)

If Jim Bouton had been there, he would have thought that he had a firm grip on the women, but in the end it would have turned out that it was the other way around all the time.

127. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:41 PM (#1678987)

Gary Sheffield would've pointed out that there wheren't enough women of color in the water.

128. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:42 PM (#1678988)

If Albert Belle had been there, he'd have run them down in his car.

If Pete Rose had been there, he'd try to bet with everyone that he could save those women.

If Bill Buckner had been there... no, too easy.

129. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:42 PM (#1678989)

If Moises Alou were there they would've drowned after Alou tripped over Steve Bartman who was there collecting shells.

Best Regards

John

130. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:43 PM (#1678992)

if Buck Showalter were there, he would make sure the Yankees don't get the home ocean advantage

131. Eli Hungerford: Cityboy Crypto-Elitist for hire Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:43 PM (#1678996)

If Adam Dunn were there, it would have been his first sacrifice in 4 months.

132. Neil M Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:44 PM (#1678997)

If Wendell Kim hadn't been there. the women would never have fallen in in the first place.

133. GGC don't think it can get longer than a novella Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:44 PM (#1678998)

The women would've been saved by Coast Guard-approved flotation devices?

Those aren't buoys!!!!

134. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:45 PM (#1678999)

If Mike Schmidt had been there, he'd have saved the women, healed the sick, and made the Harbor sparkling clean, but the Philly fans would boo him anyway.

135. DCA Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:45 PM (#1679000)

Posted by kevin on October 12, 2005 at 11:39 AM (#1678975)
David Eckstein couldn't save those women.

136. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:45 PM (#1679001)

Bob Boone would've double-switched the women out for two less capable swimmers.

137. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:46 PM (#1679002)

If Bud Selig had been there, he would have shouted "Holy Mackerel!"

138. vortex of dissipation Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:47 PM (#1679004)

If Gene Schott and Lee Grissom were there, they could have just pulled the women into their boat.

139. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:48 PM (#1679005)

If Orator Jim O'Rourke were there, I'd be very, very surprised.

140. Old Matt Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:48 PM (#1679006)

This thread is just a running Primey.

141. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:48 PM (#1679009)

If Bill Plascke had been there, DePo would have been the villian of the story, somehow.

142. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:51 PM (#1679019)

If Hee Seop Choi were there, Jim Tracy would have told him to stay on the shore.

143. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:52 PM (#1679022)

If Jim Rome were there, he would have called the women gamers for their inability to swim but getting in there anyway.

144. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:52 PM (#1679023)

Any competent reliever could have saved those women just as well.

145. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:52 PM (#1679024)

If Rick Reilly were there he'd insist that the women take a polygraph test to prove they were really drowning.

Best Regards

John

146. Bob Loblaw Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:52 PM (#1679025)

If Phil Garner had been there, he would have sent Brad Lidge in to save them and then told him to get back in and swim around for a few hours just to stay loose in case they need him.

147. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:56 PM (#1679040)

If Barry Bonds were there he'd jump in the water and insist he was pushed.

Best Regards

John

148. Orin Incandenza Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:56 PM (#1679042)

If Scott Boras were there, he would have gotten half the movie rights plus an up-front signing bonus before saving the prettier one of the two.

149. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:57 PM (#1679044)

If Babe Ruth had been there, he would have ate fifteen hot dogs before he jumped in to save "the kids."

150. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:58 PM (#1679049)

Joe DiMaggio would have saved them 56 times in a row.

151. The George Sherrill Selection Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:58 PM (#1679050)

If Jim Bowden was there, he would have rescued them and then thrown Esteban Loiaza into the water.

152. scotto Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:59 PM (#1679056)

If Bob Brenly were there the women would be saved and no one could explain it without invoking Luck as the prime agent.

153. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:59 PM (#1679058)

If Barry Bonds were there, he would have rescued them from Boston Harbor but launched them right into McCovey Cove.

154. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:59 PM (#1679059)

If Sean Casey had been there he would have bobbed around with his eyes closed and grasping out into the darkness yelling "MARCO"....

155. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 03:59 PM (#1679060)

If Dickey Pearce had been there, I would have been his biggest proponent for induction into the Life Saving and Rescue Hall of Fame.

156. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:00 PM (#1679064)

If Retardo and Nieporent were there they would've argued whether the women had the right to drown themselves. (sorry guys--couldn't resist)

Best Regards

John

157. Dread Pirate Dave Roberts Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:00 PM (#1679065)

If Kris Benson were there and Anna Benson found out about it, this year's free agent class would be burning up Omar Minaya's phone lines.

158. Never Give an Inge (Dave) Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:01 PM (#1679066)

Omar Minaya would only have saved them if they were Hispanic. Then he would have signed them to play first base for the Mets.

It would be an improvement.

Rick Peterson would claim to be able to save them in 10 minutes, but then he'd let them drown.

159. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:02 PM (#1679070)

If Pete Rose were there he'd drown them, autograph their cadavers and sell them on e-Bay.

Best Regards

John

160. The George Sherrill Selection Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:02 PM (#1679071)

Can we give a Primey to an entire thread?

161. Cris E Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:02 PM (#1679072)

I was just sent a goodly list of these clipped from SoSH. What's the ettiquette on posting them here? (Favorite: "Sveum would've frantically waved them in to shore. They would have zero chance at making it. ")

162. Busty Daker Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:02 PM (#1679074)

J.T. Snow saved them, then my son fell in and J.T. had to save him too.

163. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:04 PM (#1679076)

if Tim McCarver were there, he would explain that the women wouldn't have fallen in in the first place if they had been playing deeper

164. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:04 PM (#1679078)

If Alex Sanchez were there, he'd have run really fast into the water but not had a clue what he was doing there.

165. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:06 PM (#1679083)

If Henry Waxman and Tom Davis were there they would've subpoenaed the women to get them out of the water.

Best Regards

John

166. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:07 PM (#1679085)

If Bob Ferguson had been there, he would have done his best so that his new sobriquet would not be "Death to Drowning Women."

167. The George Sherrill Selection Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:08 PM (#1679087)

If Lou Piniella was there, he would have thrown bases into the water as floatation devices.

168. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:09 PM (#1679089)

If Michael Brown were there, he wouldn't know the women were drowning until three days later.

169. Vida Blew Over the Legal Limit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:09 PM (#1679090)

Bobby Cox would have been able to save them if it weren't October.

170. Old Matt Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:10 PM (#1679094)

Rafael Palmeiro was not there. He swears.

171. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:12 PM (#1679095)

If Leo Durocher had been there, he'd tell the women to wait 'til next year.

172. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:13 PM (#1679100)

I'm still chuckling over 112.

Best Regards

John

173. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:14 PM (#1679104)

If Ron Luciano had been there, he would have yelled at the women to get Out! Out! Out! Out! Out! of the water.

174. Bob Loblaw Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:17 PM (#1679112)

If Michael Kay had been there, he would have said it was ironic.

175. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:17 PM (#1679114)

If Arky Vaughan had been there, well...

176. The George Sherrill Selection Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:19 PM (#1679121)

Billy Beane's #### doesn't work in the Boston Harbor.

177. rb's team is hopeful for the new year! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:19 PM (#1679122)

If meatwad had been there he would have saved them, and performed PCR.

PCR?

178. Cris E Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:20 PM (#1679124)

I'm still trying to use the phrase "turn two" into something purile. I'll let you know what I come up with.

179. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:20 PM (#1679125)

If Alexander Cartwright and Doc Adams had saved the ladies, the headline would read "Doubleday Rescues Drowning Women."

180. Cris E Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:20 PM (#1679126)

eatmwad doesn'yt alwsya tpyte wlel.

181. jmac_66 Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:21 PM (#1679127)

if Jack Buck were there, he would scream "I don't BELIEVE what I just SAVED!"

182. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:22 PM (#1679129)

If Eddie Waitkus had been there, one of the drowning women would have shot him.

183. ShoeGrit Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:22 PM (#1679130)

Serious question: What happens if Nomar does NOT attempt to help save them, and they drown, and it gets out to the public he was there and could have done something?

I wonder if that is a thought process for someone famous in this type of a situation...."Shiit, I better do something or it will look really bad if I don't"

184. Cris E Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:23 PM (#1679131)

Back when Bob Feller was a kid he saved dozens of women. And everyone could swim, so what the hell is wrong with these two?

185. Uncle Willy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:24 PM (#1679133)

If Vince Coleman was there, he would have been run over by a row boat.

186. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:25 PM (#1679135)

If Ed Delahanty were there the women would've had company.

Best Regards

John

187. alio intuito Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:25 PM (#1679136)

PCR?

Classic Meatwad, the boy is either typing challenged, spelling challenged, or both.

188. Orin Incandenza Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:25 PM (#1679137)

Serious question: What happens if Nomar does NOT attempt to help save them, and they drown, and it gets out to the public he was there and could have done something?

Everybody would claim that Phil Collins wrote "In the Air Tonight" about him.

189. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:26 PM (#1679139)

If Jimmy Dugan had been there, he would have cried out "there's no drowning in the harbor!" Then he would have realized that sometimes there is and then he would have gone on a ten-day bender.

190. Fly should without a doubt be number !!!!! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:27 PM (#1679143)

RDF, 188.

I feel like there's a Lee Elia joke in here, but I can't come up with it

191. Liver of blaspheming 'zop Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:29 PM (#1679147)

If Roger Clemens were there, he'd have only saved one of the women, gotten chased out of town, then gone to Toronto, New York, and Houston, saving women everywhere.

192. Charles S., annoyingly insightful Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:31 PM (#1679154)

If Lee Elia had ####### been there, he would have ####### pointed out the 85% of the ####### world is working, and what are these ####### ####### doing ####### drowning?

193. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:31 PM (#1679155)

If Babe Herman had been there, he would have met Dazzy Vance and Chick Fewster in the water, too.

194. rb's team is hopeful for the new year! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:32 PM (#1679159)

"Quick, does anyone know CPR?!!"

"Uh. Uh. I see, a bad moon rising. . ."

/homer

195. rb's team is hopeful for the new year! Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:33 PM (#1679164)

If andruw had been there, he would have jumped off the dock before the women, and gotten to the water in time to catch them as they landed.

196. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:35 PM (#1679167)

If Ralph Kiner had been there, he would have been gushing about the rescue attempt of Gomer Garcia Vega cigars, or something like that.

197. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:36 PM (#1679170)

If Gene Orza were there he'd point out that smoking was as dangerous as drowning.

Best Regards

John

198. Charles S., annoyingly insightful Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:37 PM (#1679171)

If Jack Daniels had been there,...oh wait, he probably was.

199. John Lowenstein Apathy Club Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:37 PM (#1679172)

If Hal Chase had been there, he'd have offered Nomar $500 not to rescue them.

200. John (You Can Call Me Grandma) Murphy Posted: October 12, 2005 at 04:38 PM (#1679174)

If Cap Anson had been there, he would have yelled at Nomar to get those women out of the water. Unless they were Black, of course.

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AP: Garciaparra Rescues Two Women in Boston

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