Baseball for the Thinking Fan

Login | Register | Feedback

btf_logo
You are here > Home > Baseball Newsstand > Baseball Primer Newsblog > Discussion
Baseball Primer Newsblog
— The Best News Links from the Baseball Newsstand

Thursday, October 04, 2012

A’s Neshek, wife mourn death of newborn son

Victories and defeats are nothing. Thoughts with the Neshek family.

The newborn son of A’s reliever Pat Neshek died of unknown causes Wednesday just 23 hours after he was born.

Neshek revealed the horrific tragedy on Twitter, saying, “Please pray for my family. Tonight my wife & I lost our first & only son 23 hours after he was born with no explanation.”

Neshek wasn’t with the team during the past two days as he was with his wife Stephanee in Florida. She gave birth to Gehrig John on Tuesday night.

Gamingboy Posted: October 04, 2012 at 04:05 AM | 98 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: oakland, pat neshek

Reader Comments and Retorts

Go to end of page

Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. Robert in Manhattan Beach Posted: October 04, 2012 at 06:01 AM (#4253504)
Um, wow. There are no words to describe how sad this is. What can you say. Gehrig is an odd first name. I've got nothing.
   2. RB in NYC (Now Semi-Retired from BBTF) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 06:02 AM (#4253505)
I believe Curt Schilling's son is also named Gehrig.

This is obviously, horrible, horrible news. Just awful.
   3. Jose Is The Most Absurd Thing on the Site Posted: October 04, 2012 at 06:09 AM (#4253506)
That's awful. This world can be a real ##### sometimes. Best wishes to the Nesheks.
   4. NJ in DC (Now with Wife!) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 06:19 AM (#4253510)
Wow. Just saw this on Twitter. Crazy news. ####.
   5. Russ Posted: October 04, 2012 at 06:35 AM (#4253514)
Happened to the son of a colleague. Really horrible when something like this happens.
   6. Cooper Nielson Posted: October 04, 2012 at 06:49 AM (#4253518)
So terrible. Pat Neshek is one of the all-around good guys, too.
   7. Athletic Supporter can feel the slow rot Posted: October 04, 2012 at 07:05 AM (#4253521)
I'm going to hell but...

I guess an awkward delivery runs in the family.

(Seriously, this is a tragedy, condolences to the Nesheks.)
   8. Shooty Survived the Shutdown of '14! Posted: October 04, 2012 at 07:17 AM (#4253525)
I've got nothing.

Me, too. I always feel like anything I can say about something like this will be trite and meaningless. I have no words. I wish I was the praying kind sometimes.
   9. DKDC Posted: October 04, 2012 at 07:49 AM (#4253534)
My condolences to the Nesheks, I truly can't imagine what they are going through.

#7 is not funny.
   10. Bug Selig Posted: October 04, 2012 at 08:22 AM (#4253545)
Should have been the best week of his life. Beyond words...
   11. spycake Posted: October 04, 2012 at 08:28 AM (#4253549)
I was just wondering yesterday, were the games this week important enough for him to stay?

I don't think I'll ever again question a ballplayer's decision to leave for the birth of a child. In fact, I will probably question it if they DON'T leave.
   12. BDC Posted: October 04, 2012 at 08:31 AM (#4253550)
How sad – the Ranger announcers mentioned yesterday that Neshek wasn't available because his son had just been born, which was such a nice note, and then to wake up and read this. My condolences.
   13. joeysdadjoe Posted: October 04, 2012 at 08:56 AM (#4253562)
I've been in his shoes. My second born Samuel lived 14 hours 3 years ago. Died from complications of Noonans syndrome. Nothing prepares you for this you just need to grieve.

I don't think I'll ever again question a ballplayer's decision to leave for the birth of a child. In fact, I will probably question it if they DON'T leave.

Yeah pretty much what he said.
   14. GregD Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:05 AM (#4253565)
I've been in his shoes. My second born Samuel lived 14 hours 3 years ago. Died from complications of Noonans syndrome. Nothing prepares you for this you just need to grieve.
Jesus Christ, joeysdadjoe, that is terrible. I am so sorry. I can't conceive of that.
   15. RB in NYC (Now Semi-Retired from BBTF) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:08 AM (#4253570)
I read somewhere that Ibanez' wife is scheduled to have a C-section on Monday, which would be Game 2 for the Yankees, and they were talking about whether or not he'd be there for the game. Hopefully, they will have bump the procedure back a day (assuming there's medical issues there) or he'll leave the team. Baseball is one thing, that's real stuff.
   16. dr. scott Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:17 AM (#4253577)
I've been in a similar situation, but it happened before the birth so comparisons are real tough. It's a horrible dreadful experience, but at least in our case, one where time was a much more effective healer than other tragedies I've experienced. Not sure if that is true when it happens after the birth. condolences to the family.
   17. dr. scott Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:19 AM (#4253581)
I think if I were the coach I'd tell the player if he was not there for the birth I'd bench him anyway. Makes their decision easier.
   18. President of the David Eckstein Fan Club Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:20 AM (#4253584)
This was so sad and terrible to read. I can only express my condolences, limited as that is (and also to you joysdadjoe and dr. scott).
   19. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:28 AM (#4253593)
godspeed to the nesheks.

one thing that i think has changed for the better in the world at large is that when my wife and i lost a baby girl back in 1962 there were words of condolence but mostly we were left alone. i was still at the canning company and other than a few 'so sorry' it was back to work. and my wife had the 3 kids at home and nobody was visiting save my mother who had lost children of her own and while empathetic was clearly of a mindset that these things happened and no need to dwell because it doesn't change anything. i do understand and agree that there is no value in wallowing. but my wife never really had a chance to grieve. it haunts her still as on the birthday her mood is different and i know every so often she goes to visit the gravesite.

i am a heartless b8stard. i only think of it because my wife does. don't know what to tell anyone about that.

i think that things are more communal now is a change for the better.
   20. GregD Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:31 AM (#4253598)
My condolences to all, HW, and dr scott. I was amazed, even in this more-open era, when we had our (much less heartbreaking) early miscarriage to find out that almost every woman of childbearing years that we knew had had one or had a sister who had one. There is a lot of grief in this world. But obviously nothing like the grief of losing a living child. Can't imagine it.
   21. Forsch 10 From Navarone (Dayn) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:56 AM (#4253619)
Just awful. Can't imagine the pain of something like this.
   22. Forsch 10 From Navarone (Dayn) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:58 AM (#4253622)
We've had multiple miscarriages, and my wife took the first one very hard. However, those can't compare to losing a child after the birth. Again, I simply can't imagine.
   23. SteveM. Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:59 AM (#4253625)
As a father, I can't imagine anything worse. My heart goes out to the Neshek family and those here who have gone through it. It makes me want to go home and hug my kids right now.
   24. dr. scott Posted: October 04, 2012 at 10:11 AM (#4253639)
And as others have pointed out, as hard as this is on Neshek, things are so much tougher for his wife, and will be for much longer. Hope this at least makes them stronger and a better couple. It was an unexpected benefit for us.
   25. winnipegwhip Posted: October 04, 2012 at 10:22 AM (#4253648)
I was in a good mood until I saw this headline here. Wow, I cannot think of anything more agonizing for a family. My deepest condolences to the Nesheks.

SteveM what you said at #23 is how I feel. My kids are going to get a loving hug tonight. I would be lost without them.

   26. Ivan Grushenko of Hong Kong Posted: October 04, 2012 at 10:31 AM (#4253657)
How horrible.
   27. Craig in MN Posted: October 04, 2012 at 10:49 AM (#4253692)
I was in a good mood until I saw this headline here. Wow, I cannot think of anything more agonizing for a family. My deepest condolences to the Nesheks.


I was in a bad mood (because of a crappy debate performance) until I saw this headline. It helped me realize I should remember about more important things.

We had an early miscarriage too. The worst day of my life (and worst time thereafter). I can't imagine holding my child after he was born, feeding them, thinking things were fine, and then have them just gone. That shouldn't happen to people. Neshek was always one of my favorites, and he moved up on the list today. Shared condolences to him and all who've been through something similar.
   28. WillYoung Posted: October 04, 2012 at 10:55 AM (#4253703)
Ugh, that's just awful. Neshek has always been one of the great guys (heck, he sent me a wedding present telling me how much he enjoyed reading my old-blog while he was a Twin) and I can't even imagine the pain, confusion and terror. One of my really good friends has a one-month old who just permanently lost eyesight in her right-eye due to a rare infection. Being close to that situation has shown me how heart-wrenching a child's pain can be, actually losing the child is just not even fair.
   29. A big pile of nonsense (gef the talking mongoose) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:03 AM (#4253722)
Lord god. This happened with a co-worker & friend's firstborn back about 25 years ago -- during delivery, yet. One minute the heartbeat was fine, the next it was gone.

Damnnation.
   30. hokieneer Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:10 AM (#4253735)
I had no idea Neshek was back in the bigs until a few weeks ago when I caught an A's game on TV and saw him on the bump. I knew he missed a year+ with a serious arm injury. I remember when he first tried to come back he was seriously ineffective (or got hurt again I don't remember exactly). Pat's a very memorable and easy guy to root for, with his humor, hardcore card / auto collecting, and his mechanics. I was extremely excited to see him pitch in meaningful games and to see he's been effective down the stretch.

And now this? Couldn't imagine what Pat and his wife are going through.
   31. puck Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:13 AM (#4253741)
Wow. Just saw this on Twitter. Crazy news. ####.

The twitter feed is heartbreaking since there was a birth announcement, then this so suddenly happened.
   32. Tim Wallach was my Hero Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:19 AM (#4253750)
I'm a father and my wife is 30 weeks pregnant of our second, so I'm deeply touched by stories like this one. I don't want to imagine the grief they have to go through at the moment. My condolences to the Nesheks.

In early September, I met a colleague of mine who I had not seen for the summer. I knew his wife was supposed to give birth in July so I asked him how he liked to be a new father. It turns out the unborn baby-girl had died in the mother's womb when she was 38 weeks pregnant. They don't know why. The worst part is that she still had to deliver the baby. I felt awful. Not for asking (there's no way I could have known) but because the guy looked down right miserable. I really felt for him.

Since then, every time baby is awoke, I stop whatever I'm doing to look at him move and touch my wife's belly to get a feel of him moving. You never know what can happen. Now, I feel even more insecure.

   33. Jarrod HypnerotomachiaPoliphili(Teddy F. Ballgame) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:30 AM (#4253771)
Horrible. Condolences to the Nesheks and to everyone here who's been similarly devastated. News like this makes me feel vulnerable like nothing else.

I thought #7 was funny, actually. Wildly inappropriate and beyond the bounds as far as I'm concerned, but funny.
   34. Moloka'i Three-Finger Brown (Declino DeShields) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:39 AM (#4253789)
Neshek has always been one of the great guys (heck, he sent me a wedding present telling me how much he enjoyed reading my old-blog while he was a Twin)


Wow, now that is called going the extra mile.

I can't express how horrible news like this is. My wife and I have a 10.5 month old, and stories like this fill me with a combination of horror, fear, and humble gratitude that our son is healthy.
   35. RMc is a fine piece of cheese Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:44 AM (#4253795)
Gehrig has been taken from us. Again.

Dammit.
   36. Roger McDowell spit on me! Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:50 AM (#4253800)
I saw this last night on twitter - I was just shocked after all the exhilaration of the day. My condolences to the Neshek family and everyone who has gone through similar events. I feel so lucky on days like this to have a healthy daughter.
   37. Random Transaction Generator Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:57 AM (#4253812)
My wife and I have had two very early miscarriages so far, and I've been rather unmoved by them because they happened so early. Essentially, they were "We're pregnant!" and then 7 days later "Nope. Didn't take."
To my wife, they are devastating (as it's her body and society/genetic pressure on her to have a child)
We're now pregnant again, and it's been a few weeks and the numbers all look good and this is the furthest along we've gotten so we've got a good feeling (cross our fingers).
If something were to happen now...I can't imagine how bad it would feel for her, and I think it would hit me now as well.

Losing a child immediately after giving birth?

I can't begin to fathom how terrible that would feel.
   38. cercopithecus aethiops Posted: October 04, 2012 at 12:19 PM (#4253850)
My mom had a stillbirth at term. It's been almost 60 years, but any time the subject comes up it's painfully clear that she's never gotten over it. Even though she never held my older sister as a living, breathing child. This is so much more unimaginable. For some things, there really are no words.
   39. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 01:11 PM (#4253945)
It makes my heart feel better to know how many people cared about Gehrig and are thinking of us during this difficult time. -Stephanee Neshek, via Twitter


FYI.

Remarkably gracious under the circumstances, I think.
   40. Lassus Posted: October 04, 2012 at 01:24 PM (#4253977)
I guess this is the "share birth horribleness" thread. My brother lost his first and likely only child to chromosonal difficulties after three weeks, all in the ICU. Absolutely ####### terrible.

The hopefully-but-too-soon-for-comfort for the Nesheks is that with youth likely comes opportunity.
   41. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 01:33 PM (#4253993)
When my mom was pregnant with me, I was turned around the wrong way, so every time the doctors or nurses came in to the hospital room to check on the fetal heartbeat, they'd go to listen in the wrong place, hear nothing, and have the same quietly-freaking-out-but-mustn't-panic-the-pregnant-woman reaction. My mom would try to explain, but they were always too busy freaking out to pay attention to what she was saying. It drove her nuts.

Eventually, my dad bought a marker, drew a big "X" in the appropriate place on her stomach, and wrote LISTEN HERE next to it. That did the trick.
   42. chemdoc Posted: October 04, 2012 at 01:35 PM (#4253996)
I hope the Neshek family gets all the support they need as they grieve. It's going to be tough.
   43. GregD Posted: October 04, 2012 at 01:51 PM (#4254045)
In early September, I met a colleague of mine who I had not seen for the summer. I knew his wife was supposed to give birth in July so I asked him how he liked to be a new father. It turns out the unborn baby-girl had died in the mother's womb when she was 38 weeks pregnant. They don't know why. The worst part is that she still had to deliver the baby. I felt awful. Not for asking (there's no way I could have known) but because the guy looked down right miserable. I really felt for him.
This New Yorker article by Daniel Raeburn about his daughter Irene, who died on Dec 24 while in utero and then was delivered four days later, is very very moving.
   44. Kyle S at work Posted: October 04, 2012 at 02:08 PM (#4254089)
It turns out the unborn baby-girl had died in the mother's womb when she was 38 weeks pregnant. They don't know why. The worst part is that she still had to deliver the baby. I felt awful. Not for asking (there's no way I could have known) but because the guy looked down right miserable. I really felt for him.

This happened to us at 28 weeks. My wife was pregnant with twins. One made it and is now a happy, beautiful 7 year old. The other died in utero of twin-twin transfusion syndrome. My wife has still not gotten over it and never will.

Eventually we told our daughter about her sister; it's quite touching how mature (not the right word - it's hard to understand, much less convey, how a 7 year old thinks and feels) she's been about understanding what happened yet still feeling sad that she doesn't have a twin sister.

My thoughts and prayers are with the Nesheks.
   45. Gaelan Posted: October 04, 2012 at 02:17 PM (#4254120)
These stories are awful. My son is five years old and I still check on him every night to make sure that he's breathing. Life is capricious.
   46. Mom makes botox doctors furious Posted: October 04, 2012 at 02:30 PM (#4254156)
Sigh..

They are young.. No choice but to bounce back ..

But I all too well understand. Sometimes time can only numb the pain, not heal
   47. The Chronicles of Reddick Posted: October 04, 2012 at 02:31 PM (#4254157)
This is horrible news. I remember when my girlfriend was just starting her 9th month into a difficult pregnancy when we lost the baby. i still wonder how different life would have been had the baby been born so I can't imagine how it must feel for Pat and his wife. My condolences to them
   48. Forsch 10 From Navarone (Dayn) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 02:42 PM (#4254187)
We have friends whose nine-year-old son -- a truly amazing, brilliant boy -- drowned while swimming with his father (rip current in Lake Michigan). The father gave his eulogy and is one of the most composed, resilient and amazing persons I've ever met. The mother, though, is the walking dead and probably always will be. It's heart-breaking to see what his already heart-breaking death has done to her. Losing my four-year-old son trumps every other fear I have put together.

Speaking of New Yorker pieces on this awful topic, Alexsandar Hemon's piece about his daughter's battle with cancer is just utterly lacerating.

Jesus, what a thread. My sincere condolences to everyone here who's dealt with anything like this.
   49. Los Angeles El Hombre of Anaheim Posted: October 04, 2012 at 02:49 PM (#4254204)
I can't even imagine how my wife and I would feel if we lost our little girl. My heart goes out to them.
   50. Der-K and the statistical werewolves. Posted: October 04, 2012 at 03:26 PM (#4254280)
I've talked here before the time a foul ball hit my son, then nine months old^. He lived and is fine^^, but neither of those things was a certainty at the time. My wife was never the same after that, and neither was our relationship (we were "a model couple" - we're now separated and the prognosis for our relationship ain't great).

As stressful and crappy as that was and is ... well, I don't know what to say to the Nesheks - I still have my kid. They're in my thoughts and I wish them the best.





^ As to why we had a nine month old at the park, I've covered that in another thread and can revisit it some other time if people like, but that's off topic.
^^ Mind you, he has issues that his sister doesn't - it's hard to completely shake the possibility that those things could be related.
   51. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 03:26 PM (#4254281)
Speaking of New Yorker pieces on this awful topic, Alexsandar Hemon's piece about his daughter's battle with cancer is just utterly lacerating.


Since everything happens in threes, I may as well link this piece, which is extremely well-written and almost impossible to read.
   52. Jay Z Posted: October 04, 2012 at 03:34 PM (#4254305)
Condolences to all who have suffered loss.

My wife and I are mostly lucky, since we were able to overcome fertility issues thruogh in vitro and have three children to show for it. We did lose a twin to our son that had a heartbeat, but that was early on. We put in six embryos and got three children, so there are three of them that could be here but aren't.

My wife's sister has never gotten this far - cancer took her out of the baby game while still a teen. Now they're trying to solve the adoption racket. There are tragedies of different orders. I guess life is always both a miracle and tragedy.

As for #7, it's not offensive, but it's banal to me. On all of these threads every single time someone's going to go for the tasteless joke.
   53. Los Angeles El Hombre of Anaheim Posted: October 04, 2012 at 03:51 PM (#4254331)
My wife and I are mostly lucky, since we were able to overcome fertility issues thruogh in vitro and have three children to show for it. We did lose a twin to our son that had a heartbeat, but that was early on. We put in six embryos and got three children, so there are three of them that could be here but aren't.
Since we're all swapping stories...

Two friends of mine tried for nearly a decade to have kids. After about six years of this and that, she got pregnant through IVF and got pregnant with triplets... and she lost them at six months. It was months before she was able to even see friends and family. A couple of years later, they decided to try one last time, and now they have three beautiful, healthy kids, a girl and twin boys. She told me once that, even after five years, she sometimes still cries herself to sleep because she's overcome with joy when she thinks about what she has.

My own wife had had to have a hysterectomy earlier this year, which means we're only having just the one kid. It's been a few months, but I still feel a lingering sadness about it. If I had known how much joy one child could bring us, I would have started earlier, and I would have wanted more. As much happiness as a child can bring you, I can't imagine how unspeakably heartbreaking it must be to lose that child, and I don't even want to try.
   54. jacksone (AKA It's OK...) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 04:14 PM (#4254373)
My wife and I are currently going though infertility issues and in vitro tries and while those are hard I am terrified of something like this happening. Having the one thing in the world she wants right now given to her and then taken away would be devastating.
   55. Random Transaction Generator Posted: October 04, 2012 at 04:33 PM (#4254405)
Having the one thing in the world she wants right now given to her and then taken away would be devastating.

I think if something goes wrong with our current pregnancy, it might be the last medically-assisted attempt for us. We might try IVF, but I'm worried that every successive failure would hurt my wife exponentially more than the last.
   56. Jarrod HypnerotomachiaPoliphili(Teddy F. Ballgame) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 04:55 PM (#4254450)
Another moving story of perinatal grief is Elizabeth McCracken's An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination.

We--by which I mean the world in general, not BTF--don't talk enough about this stuff. Too unpleasant and too scary, I suppose, but I think people would feel less alone during tragic times if stories like this were more public.
   57. Bitter Mouse Posted: October 04, 2012 at 05:07 PM (#4254477)
I am very thankful every day my boys are (so far) healthy. I truly feel for all the terrible stuff people have dealt with. You all have my thoughts and wishes.
   58. Eric J can SABER all he wants to Posted: October 04, 2012 at 05:33 PM (#4254512)
This happened to us at 28 weeks. My wife was pregnant with twins. One made it and is now a happy, beautiful 7 year old. The other died in utero of twin-twin transfusion syndrome. My wife has still not gotten over it and never will.

My parents went through two miscarriages of potential younger siblings of mine, one of which was half of a pair of twins. The other half was born three days before my eighth birthday and has just started her freshman year of college.

It's not something I've thought about for quite a while, but I'm pretty sure the same wouldn't be true of my mom, despite her four living and healthy children.
   59. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: October 04, 2012 at 05:59 PM (#4254543)
to the fellas in similar situations and for what it is worth on the topic of the mother ever 'forgetting' in any sense when the wife and i were exploring burial plots some years back i suggested the town where we both grew up and she immediately became agitated and soon semi-hysterical and my wife is tough prairie stock so this was pretty strange territory to me. when i finally got her to speak semi-coherently it was because our little girl 'would be all alone'.

well, that was the end of discussion on the 'where' of burial plots.

so yeah, it's a different road for the moms. just be there fellas

i am sure you will do worlds better than me. i specialize in callous, not caring.
   60. Tom T Posted: October 04, 2012 at 05:59 PM (#4254544)
We were on our 3rd IVF attempt (those following two years of surgeries and explorations of what wasn't right) when we had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks. We were a wreck for more than a month. Fortunately, we had twins (boy/girl) on the 4th cycle, and have two more boys, as well (once they got the drugs right...). We were originally only thinking of having three, but the joy and...I don't know...the fulfillment of having kids, meant that we weren't totally against the idea of going to five (we still have 5 or 6 embryos left). But, my wife ended up battling stage III breast cancer (all good --- full pathological resolution --- though we'll still be dealing with surgeries for another year or so), which completely ended the idea of any more kids. We are ever thankful to have four bright, beautiful and (to date) healthy children.

In line with some other comments, the miscarriage finally explained some weird things that had happened with one of my graduate advisors. We eventually got to exchange our stories of grief and eventual positive outcomes. This patched up a relationship that truly never need have fallen apart, if only people felt more able to speak about such issues.

We will eventually donate the embryos...but that's legally harder than one might think. Too many people out there like one of the graduate students working on our research project. He is (well, was) a smug Chuck Colson devotee, and more than once has spent a chunk of time pontificating about the immorality of IVF procedures. I'm still not entirely sure that I'm proud of myself for NOT having punched him out....
   61. Dread Pirate Dave Roberts Posted: October 04, 2012 at 06:04 PM (#4254547)
My condolences to all of those out there who have had losses.

My story... Two years ago, for a total of 12 hours we thought my wife was pregnant. Then the miscarriage started. Or so we thought. Turns out it was an ectopic pregnancy; my wife had to be rushed into emergency surgery and have that tube removed. Neither of us have truly dwelled on it, as we only had 12 hours of expecting the baby. From time to time, though, I do wonder... was it a girl or a boy? What would he/she be like? But we just don't feel sad about it for some reason.

Today, I'm a very proud father of a 23 day old girl. Yes, she cries a ton; yes, my sleep has been cut by 1/3. But when I'm holding her and see her staring into my eyes...... Let's just say I am extremely paranoid right now of all this situations; I won't leave the room that she's in without making sure she's still breathing. No one should ever even have to imagine some of the tragedies others have experienced above.
   62. Los Angeles El Hombre of Anaheim Posted: October 04, 2012 at 07:22 PM (#4254616)
Congrats, DPDR! The toughest days are the first days. The joy is worth it a million times over.
   63. GregD Posted: October 04, 2012 at 07:40 PM (#4254625)
Congrats, DPDR! The toughest days are the first days. The joy is worth it a million times over.
Ditto!


And that Washington Post article linked above on kids suffocating after being left in cars is just devastating, not least because of its assertion that the parents who do this (a few dozen a year) are indistinguishable from other parents, as loving and conscientious as anybody else.) One day they are harried and drive right to work instead of to day care, and the kid is sleeping, and they forget. In their mind they think they've dropped the child off. Sometimes they've even called to check in with the day care to see how the day is going. Then someone says you didn't bring the kid...totally unbearable. I am a pretty conscientious parent but it is chilling to think of how little it would take for a normal day to turn tragic. One time my daughter lost control on her scooter and flew away toward Amsterdam Avenue into the path of a bus. I was sprinting but couldn't catch her and she was screaming but couldn't stop. A stranger paused at the corner, caught her, held her scooter until she stepped down, then kept walking. On one level, I owe her my daughter's life and my own. How many things like that happen between 0 and 12 or 18? A few dozen? None of which is likely the end but any of which could be. You roll well on all 25, and you think you're doing great, but one rolls against you...
   64. Forsch 10 From Navarone (Dayn) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 07:44 PM (#4254630)
Our son is an only child, which bothers my wife (the youngest of seven) much more than it does me (youngest of three, but older brother and sister are much older and were out of the house by the time I was a pre-schooler). "He'll be fine. I know plenty of well-adjusted only children and plenty of unhappy and neurotic people with siblings," I say all the time.

About two weeks ago, we were all in the backyard, and my son found a small spider on crawling on the deck. "Is that a spider?"

"Yes," I said.

"Hi, spider," he said. "Do you want to play tag?"

My wife didn't think the exchange was as hilarious as I did.
   65. Der-K and the statistical werewolves. Posted: October 04, 2012 at 08:05 PM (#4254638)
Congrats DPDR!
   66. DEF: hates freedom Posted: October 04, 2012 at 08:39 PM (#4254662)
Terrible news for the Nesheks - my heart goes out to them.

My wife and I had troubles having kids, finally going the IVF route. We got lucky first time, and the joy of seeing two little heartbeats on ultrasound was indescribable. And the pain of one of those heartbeats stopping a month later was almost as large. We were on pins and needles for the rest of the pregnancy, but our son M will turn 4 in November, and he's amazing.

Second time round for IVF and absolutely no problems. Our second son Z was born last August, and everything was perfect. We ended up back in the ER 2 days after he came home, and that resulted in an ambulance trip and an extended stay in the NICU. First they told us to brace ourselves for him to die; then they said that he wouldn't die right away, but would linger unconscious for a few years before dieing. He proved them al wrong, though, and came home for the second time a year ago tomorrow. We're keeping a very close eye on him to see if any other issues arise, but right now he's a happy, healthy, curious little boy who is pretty much exactly where he should be for his age. He's also amazing, and the experience has made us truly appreciate what is important in life.
   67. GregD Posted: October 04, 2012 at 08:48 PM (#4254668)
Second time round for IVF and absolutely no problems. Our second son Z was born last August, and everything was perfect. We ended up back in the ER 2 days after he came home, and that resulted in an ambulance trip and an extended stay in the NICU. First they told us to brace ourselves for him to die; then they said that he wouldn't die right away, but would linger unconscious for a few years before dieing. He proved them al wrong, though, and came home for the second time a year ago tomorrow. We're keeping a very close eye on him to see if any other issues arise, but right now he's a happy, healthy, curious little boy who is pretty much exactly where he should be for his age. He's also amazing, and the experience has made us truly appreciate what is important in life.
I read this with my heart in my throat. Glad it has had a happy ending, and God bless.
   68. PreservedFish Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:01 PM (#4254679)
^ As to why we had a nine month old at the park, I've covered that in another thread and can revisit it some other time if people like, but that's off topic.


I've taken my 7 month old daughter to several games. And she's never been the youngest baby in our section. I don't think this is something you need to explain or apologize for.
   69. AROM Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:06 PM (#4254681)
And that Washington Post article linked above on kids suffocating after being left in cars is just devastating, not least because of its assertion that the parents who do this (a few dozen a year) are indistinguishable from other parents, as loving and conscientious as anybody else.) One day they are harried and drive right to work instead of to day care, and the kid is sleeping, and they forget. In their mind they think they've dropped the child off.


Very scary, and I could see myself being that parent. I'd depend on my paranoia to double check myself, but it only takes one time in 1000 to be a tragedy, and I'm a person quite capable of forgetting my insulin before leaving the house. Good thing my wife became a stay at home mom and I don't have to worry about that.

I feel really bad for the Nesheks.
   70. PreservedFish Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:16 PM (#4254686)
Harvey's comments made me think of something I saw a few days ago. I was walking through the Mountain View Cemetery in Oakland CA and I noticed a grave for a baby that was born and died on the same day. The thing that struck me was that the child was born in the 1880s. I guess that surprised me.
   71. GregD Posted: October 04, 2012 at 09:51 PM (#4254713)
Harvey's comments made me think of something I saw a few days ago. I was walking through the Mountain View Cemetery in Oakland CA and I noticed a grave for a baby that was born and died on the same day. The thing that struck me was that the child was born in the 1880s. I guess that surprised me.
I have seen cemeteries in small western towns where the dead children are all buried together separate from their families. I don't know the reason for it--it would be unthinkable now, right? Maybe to leverage against the possibility of families moving away and leaving the child's grave alone.
   72. Jay Z Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:08 PM (#4254773)
We will eventually donate the embryos...but that's legally harder than one might think. Too many people out there like one of the graduate students working on our research project. He is (well, was) a smug Chuck Colson devotee, and more than once has spent a chunk of time pontificating about the immorality of IVF procedures. I'm still not entirely sure that I'm proud of myself for NOT having punched him out....


Sorry about that. We went so far as to be one of the subjects in the local paper for an article about fertility. I don't regret that. We also told my mother, who's a one issue pro-life voter but has been good about the whole thing.

Some of the comments from the other couples in the article made me realize that other families weren't always so accepting. Since then I've at least tried to gauge the parties in the conversation before going into IVF. Just don't want to get into some needless argument with someone whose opinion I don't care for anyway.

With IVF I would recommend not dilly dallying. I think the woman's age has a lot to do with the success rate, and my wife was on the youngish side (very early 30s) for the procedure. Our two fresh cycles both worked, but the frozen ones did not.
   73. base ball chick Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:21 PM (#4254783)
how absolutely terrible to hold what you think is a normal newborn baby and not even a day later he's suddenly gone. and you don't know why. i know this sounds awful but i hope the autopsy gives them the answer they NEED. i don't think it will hurt any less but at least they will KNOW.

miscarrying is really horrible when you want the baby. you feel guilty. you just do. you don't know what you did wrong. and you blame your self. the doctor told me - one of 3 conceptions is miscarried before 3 months. it seems unbelieveable but bout every girl i know has had at least 1.

my mama is in her 60s and she lost a newborn baby to spinal meningitis. she won't talk about it. 35 years and it is still too painful. and her mama and my daddy's mama lost babies - back then it was a lot more common, especially without doctors or hospitals. we don't think like that these days and sometimes we forget to be grateful for modern times.

and after all that, it is just sorry to see all the unwanted and abused and murdered infants and children - there isn't enough foster care to go around.

sigh

of course BITGOD i would not have survived past maybe the first 6 weeks i was so sick, so we wouldn't be talking about this.

and yes, i think it is really important for men to talk about the pain of loss and the joy of being a father (no matter how much of a pain in the ass your kid can be.) and i think that sometimes us grrls don't realize in our own misery how much it hurts you too. as my Husband told me - well there wasn't nothing i could do and you're supposed to DO something and i couldn't do nothing.

   74. Bourbon Samurai Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:23 PM (#4254787)
We had a miscarriage about...two weeks ago? three weeks ago?

Anyway, it was and still is ####### terrible and BBTF folks have been actually really great in helping me sort through it. I relayed to my wife a few stories I was told which helped her keep in perspective that this happens. I can't imagine how m uch worse it would've been to go through what the Nesheks did.

I travel about 1/3rd of the time for work and I will be forever grateful I was in the U.S. when we had the bad doctor visit, instead of her going by herself and me being in Phnom Penh or some other god forsaken place.
   75. Never Give an Inge (Dave) Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:43 PM (#4254802)
This guy is a former colleague of mine and someone that I have a lot of respect for. His family's story was heartbreaking at the time, but they have gone on to create a foundation that tries to improve neonatal/pediatric medical care and to have several more children.

My condolences to the Nesheks and everyone else who has had to deal with something like this.
   76. GregD Posted: October 04, 2012 at 11:58 PM (#4254808)
We had a miscarriage about...two weeks ago? three weeks ago?

Anyway, it was and still is ####### terrible and BBTF folks have been actually really great in helping me sort through it. I relayed to my wife a few stories I was told which helped her keep in perspective that this happens. I can't imagine how m uch worse it would've been to go through what the Nesheks did.

I travel about 1/3rd of the time for work and I will be forever grateful I was in the U.S. when we had the bad doctor visit, instead of her going by herself and me being in Phnom Penh or some other god forsaken place.
######-A, I'm sorry to hear about this, man. It sucks. I was a 10-hour drive away when it happened, and that was a really shitty ride home, on all accounts. I don't know if it makes anything better or not--probably not--but it is amazing to me how frequently it happens and how frequently to people who, like us, are lucky to then have healthy, happy-enough (though sometimes PITA) kids. But I don't remember anything anybody said actually making me feel better, and I don't think my wife felt better until she was pregnant again, to be honest. Her mom broke up thinking about her miscarriage 40 years before and she had 4 kids afterwards. It just sucks.
   77. Gaelan Posted: October 05, 2012 at 02:46 AM (#4254840)
When my son was three my wife was at her parents place for Christmas. He was outside tobogganing with his cousins (aged 5 and 7 at the time). They were by themselves but the house is in a small town, set back from the road, and the hill in the front isn't very big. There had been some freezing rain so it was icy. So when he went down the hill he kept on going went over a bank, onto the driveway, turned with the driveway and kept on going another 30 feet right onto the road(a country highway with 60kmh speedlimit in town). My wife was watching from the window feeding our daughter. My sister-in-law ran out of course but she was probably 40 yards away. Anyway, a van came around the corner and stopped right in front of my son who was just sitting in the sled completely oblivious to the danger.

I was at home (in another city) grading exams and was going to catch a flight the next day. Needless to say, a couple feet difference, a couple of seconds one way or the other, and everything would have changed. I can't imagine how we would ever have recovered.

So yeah, go give your kids a hug and a kiss, and try not to be afraid all the time.
   78. vortex of dissipation Posted: October 05, 2012 at 04:45 AM (#4254847)
This thread is heartbreaking. In a way, it makes me very thankful that I've never had children, because I don't think I'd be strong enough to handle something like this...
   79. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: October 05, 2012 at 07:40 AM (#4254861)
vortex

you would manage. it's that or just stop being.

   80. Dread Pirate Dave Roberts Posted: October 05, 2012 at 08:19 AM (#4254872)
Thanks everyone for the congrats. She slept well last night; I'm actually awake enough this morning to catch my typos!

So sorry Bourbon Samurai, my condolences.
   81. jacksone (AKA It's OK...) Posted: October 05, 2012 at 08:42 AM (#4254880)
Congrats DPDR. Not sure if anything I say matters at all Bourbon, but sorry for your loss. The stories in this thread are why I always tell my wife that even if we are struggling to get pregnant we still do have an amazing life. Perspective needs to be had.

EDIT:
And good luck DEF, hope Z stays out of trouble.
   82. Poulanc Posted: October 05, 2012 at 09:22 AM (#4254907)
Sharing, because I'm hoping it'll make me feel better :

Just about three years ago this week, our daycare provider mentioned to my wife and I that our two year old son was tilting his head a little bit to one side. We ended up in the pediatricians office, who really didn't know what was going on, so he ordered an MRI. Ended up being a tumor that was pushing on his brain stem.

What followed was a year and a half of intense chemo and radiation treatments. Watched him lose his hair, grow it back, lose it again, and grow it back. Thought we had it beat for a couple of months in January of last year, only to watch the tumor pretty much explode and spread to other parts of his body. We lost him about a year and a half ago.

My wife is now due with our second child in exactly one week. And I am petrified, nervous, anxious, and a whole host of other emotions that I never had the first time. Mostly, I'm worried that I won't be able to invest myself completely if I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Thanks for giving me a forum to just write that out - haven't really said much since it all happened, being a good Minnesotan who doesn't talk about his feelings.
   83. A big pile of nonsense (gef the talking mongoose) Posted: October 05, 2012 at 09:35 AM (#4254926)
Jesus christ, Poulanc. I'm so sorry -- I can't imagine. (I'm in Vortex's boat. As it is, I fall to pieces when I have to bury one of the feral cats I feed in my yard. With a child ... no. I can't imagine.)
   84. DEF: hates freedom Posted: October 05, 2012 at 09:46 AM (#4254946)
Poulanc,

Deepest condolences. I can't even imagine the pain you and your wife must have gone through.

Don't worry about not being able to fully invest in your second child. There are a countless number of other shoes that could drop on us with Z - you learn to just accept the possibility that something could happen, and get on with your life. If anything, having that threat hanging over you makes you appreciate everything all the more at the time instead of taking things for granted. You'll fall in love with your child the moment you first see and hold him or her. You'll probably worry a little bit more than you would have otherwise, but that won't lessen your committment to the child. Good luck!
   85. GregD Posted: October 05, 2012 at 09:57 AM (#4254960)
Poulanc, My God, that is an awful awful thing. God bless and good luck next week!
   86. chemdoc Posted: October 05, 2012 at 10:12 AM (#4254980)
You keeping hanging in there, Poulanc.

My wife had a couple of very early miscarriages, and we found she had a small uterine anomaly that was fixed by a minor surgical procedure. We have two kids now, and they're awesome...most of the time. But, yes, those first two are always far more in her thoughts than they are in mine.
   87. Jarrod HypnerotomachiaPoliphili(Teddy F. Ballgame) Posted: October 05, 2012 at 11:18 AM (#4255062)
Jesus, I don't know how many times this thread has made me cry. Best to you, Poulanc. My kids are so far healthy (touch wood) but before they were born I remember, among many other worries, being afraid of not caring enough.
   88. Forsch 10 From Navarone (Dayn) Posted: October 05, 2012 at 12:58 PM (#4255184)
Poulanc - My deepest best wishes, and I'm in awe of your courage.
   89. Poulanc Posted: October 05, 2012 at 05:34 PM (#4255510)
Thank you all for the kind words. They are appreciated.
   90. David Nieporent (now, with children) Posted: October 06, 2012 at 11:38 AM (#4256703)
Not to jinx it, but I've been lucky with our little ones so far - no problems at all, though the driver totaling my wife's car with my 6-week old son inside gave us a few moments of concern. But let me put in perspective from the other side of this issue. When I was four, we lost my sister on her first birthday. (My parents were planning a little celebration, but she wasn't feeling well, had a fever. So they gave her some aspirin and put her down to sleep, figuring we'd do the 'party' the next day. When they went to the crib the next morning to get her, she was (long) gone.

As a four year old, I didn't really grasp it well, and nobody wants to explain. (No other siblings at that point.) All I knew was that she had died, she wasn't there anymore, her room was off limits, and I had to be very careful what I said around my mom or she'd burst into tears. (I couldn't say her name around my mom, for one thing. (Which was hard because there was a 2-3 y.o. girl across the street with the same name.)) My mother became a tad bit overprotective after that, which was just annoying, because why was I being punished? We had to shift bedrooms around when my brothers were born, because my mother couldn't bear to have an infant in the same room that was my sister's.

Then, when I was eight, I came home from school and my mom was holding my one-year old brother in her arms and acting disturbed about him. She sent me to run across the street and get my neighbor, who had been an army medic. He runs over, takes one look, and calls 911. Ambulance comes to house and whisks him away with my mother (dad was at work an hour away). My three-year old brother and I were shuffled from neighbors to friends to grandparents while my parents stayed at hospital. Nobody would tell us anything, and this lasted for about a week, without, to the best of my recollection, even seeing my parents. He ended up being okay - it was a near-fatal allergic reaction to a particular antibiotic. But it again made my parents a bit... Crazy, from the perspective of a child. As an eight-year old, had no idea how to behave/react. Can I play with friends? Have fun? Knew that wasn't appropriate, but didn't know what was appropriate.

Moral of the story is, if you have other kids and somthing like this happens, G-d forbid, make sure you think about them and how your reaction will impact them. Don't take it out on them, and don't leave them out of the loop.
   91. bobm Posted: October 06, 2012 at 12:02 PM (#4256716)
I am touched by the tragedy and resiliency in this thread.

As for #7, it's not offensive, but it's banal to me. On all of these threads every single time someone's going to go for the tasteless joke.

So then can we retire the ridiculous "kids should be taken away" meme?
   92. Poulanc Posted: October 12, 2012 at 11:54 PM (#4267352)
Just in case anyone is still following this thread - my son was born today. Mother and baby are doing just great.
   93. Jarrod HypnerotomachiaPoliphili(Teddy F. Ballgame) Posted: October 13, 2012 at 12:00 AM (#4267378)
Congrats!
   94. Joe Kehoskie Posted: October 13, 2012 at 12:33 AM (#4267609)
Congratulations!
   95. President of the David Eckstein Fan Club Posted: October 13, 2012 at 01:42 AM (#4267717)
Congrats!
   96. Jose Is The Most Absurd Thing on the Site Posted: October 13, 2012 at 06:51 AM (#4267783)
Wonderful news Poulanc! Congrats to you and your wife!
   97. Der-K and the statistical werewolves. Posted: October 13, 2012 at 07:50 AM (#4267794)
Congratulations!!
   98. DEF: hates freedom Posted: October 17, 2012 at 10:05 AM (#4273813)
Congrats, Poulanc! All the best to the whole family!

You must be Registered and Logged In to post comments.

 

 

<< Back to main

BBTF Partner

Support BBTF

donate

Thanks to
Backlasher
for his generous support.

Bookmarks

You must be logged in to view your Bookmarks.

Hot Topics

Newsblog2014 WORLD SERIES GAME 1 OMNICHATTER
(537 - 11:21pm, Oct 21)
Last: Hey - you and Tommy Lasorda...I hate Tommy Lasorda

NewsblogMike Scioscia, Matt Williams voted top managers
(7 - 11:20pm, Oct 21)
Last: Dan

NewsblogSielski: A friend fights for ex-Phillie Dick Allen's Hall of Fame induction
(108 - 11:19pm, Oct 21)
Last: GregD

NewsblogOT: Politics, October 2014: Sunshine, Baseball, and Etch A Sketch: How Politicians Use Analogies
(2898 - 11:11pm, Oct 21)
Last: The Yankee Clapper

NewsblogDombrowski told that Iglesias 'will be fine' for 2015
(21 - 10:22pm, Oct 21)
Last: fra paolo

NewsblogAs Focus Faded and Losses Piled Up, Royals Change Their Game
(1 - 9:43pm, Oct 21)
Last: Walt Davis

NewsblogRoyals’ James Shields passed kidney stone during ALCS but is ready for World Series | The Kansas City Star
(39 - 9:32pm, Oct 21)
Last: rlc

NewsblogOT: Monthly NBA Thread - October 2014
(314 - 8:51pm, Oct 21)
Last: steagles

NewsblogOT: The Soccer Thread, September 2014
(852 - 8:40pm, Oct 21)
Last: Biff, highly-regarded young guy

NewsblogBaseball's hardest throwing bullpen - Beyond the Box Score
(10 - 8:02pm, Oct 21)
Last: ReggieThomasLives

NewsblogMorosi: Could Cain’s story make baseball king of sports world again?
(107 - 7:04pm, Oct 21)
Last: Spahn Insane

NewsblogFan Returns Home Run Ball to Ishikawa; Receives World Series tickets
(55 - 6:26pm, Oct 21)
Last: Jolly Old St. Nick Is A Jolly Old St. Crip

NewsblogBaseball Prospectus | Pebble Hunting: An Illustrated Guide to the People of Kauffman Stadium
(10 - 6:00pm, Oct 21)
Last: Perry

NewsblogCardinals proud of fourth straight NLCS appearance | cardinals.com
(58 - 5:44pm, Oct 21)
Last: Crispix reaches boiling point with lackluster play

NewsblogBrisbee: The 5 worst commercials of the MLB postseason
(173 - 4:45pm, Oct 21)
Last: Squash

Page rendered in 0.9845 seconds
52 querie(s) executed