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Saturday, December 03, 2011

Bois: Skybox Thunder, When Baseball Card Writers Tried To Rap

I have the complete set of this lively dead text.

Rap is great. Sports cards are terrible. 1999 was terrible. Rap in 1999 was really, really terrible. Rapping sports cards in 1999 are the very worst thing. In this edition of Sports Cards For Insane People, we visit a ridiculous rapping card set.

Until I discovered the 1999 Skybox Thunder baseball card set a few days ago…

Mike Lansing card:

One ... two ... three, four, five. Brother, your game is all the way live. With all your skillz, you’re bound to thrive.

SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN, ELEVEN, DROPPIN A base11 NUMERICAL FORMAT ON YA HEAD LIKE PERHAPS A BLUEBIRD WOULD ACCIDENTALLY DROP A PIECE OF TOAST oh god i wish i could just go back to formatting batting averages

Travis Lee card:

Travis, you’re the most famous Lee since Robert E. But your game ain’t civil, no, when you get your groove on, you go buck wild in the wild, wild West.

YYYYEP I JUST NAME-CHECKED A FREAKING CONFEDERATE GENERAL IN A RAP SONG

LOOK THIS IS THE ONLY WAY I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO TELL YOU I’M A WHITE PERSON WITHOUT JUST COMING OUT AND SAYING IT

Repoz Posted: December 03, 2011 at 03:52 PM | 12 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: history, media, memorabilia

Reader Comments and Retorts

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   1. Guapo Posted: December 03, 2011 at 04:34 PM (#4005693)
Great, great article. That cheered me up.
   2. The Long Arm of Rudy Law Posted: December 03, 2011 at 04:38 PM (#4005696)
I read them more like sonnets than rap.
   3. Greg K Posted: December 03, 2011 at 05:08 PM (#4005709)
Speaking of the Civil War...

There's some bands I'd like to name-check
And one of them is REM


Also speaking of the Civil War. I was having an argument with a friend the other day over who was more badass, Sherman or Nelson. I will concede that if they met in a dark alley my money would be on Sherman, but if you measure badassery by how willing a person is to put themselves in insanely dangerous situations, continually lose body parts, and still bang the Angelina Jolie of the day...then I'm going to have to go with Horatio.
   4. The Long Arm of Rudy Law Posted: December 03, 2011 at 05:19 PM (#4005712)
Also speaking of the Civil War. I was having an argument with a friend the other day over who was more badass, Sherman or Nelson. I will concede that if they met in a dark alley my money would be on Sherman, but if you measure badassery by how willing a person is to put themselves in insanely dangerous situations, continually lose body parts, and still bang the Angelina Jolie of the day...then I'm going to have to go with Horatio.


Only if Forrest isn't there.
   5. Zach Posted: December 03, 2011 at 05:24 PM (#4005716)
Nelson is an interesting character. It's hard to think of anyone else who spent as much of his career consciously, deliberately -- and successfully! -- trying to be a hero. Sherman's more of an antihero.
   6. Bhaakon Posted: December 03, 2011 at 06:58 PM (#4005811)
Nelson is an interesting character. It's hard to think of anyone else who spent as much of his career consciously, deliberately -- and successfully! -- trying to be a hero.


Patton comes to mind, but 20th century generals didn't really have the same opportunity for front-line badassery as they did in Nelson's day.
   7. Vance W Posted: December 03, 2011 at 07:19 PM (#4005825)
T.E. Lawerence was another person who deliberately courted hero status--at least before he actually got it. But British naval officers of the Napoleanic era are just intrinsically cool.
   8. Lassus Posted: December 03, 2011 at 07:34 PM (#4005839)
Bois: Skybox Thunder, When Baseball Card Writers Tried To Rap

They did a better job than Don DeLillo did in "Cosmopolis", at least
   9. Bob Evans Posted: December 03, 2011 at 08:20 PM (#4005881)
This somehow manages to be written even worse than the raps.
   10. bobm Posted: December 03, 2011 at 08:27 PM (#4005893)
[3] Sherman's famous letter to the city of Atlanta in 1864 was badass:

"You cannot qualify war in harsher terms than I will. War is cruelty, and you cannot refine it; and those who brought war into our country deserve all the curses and maledictions a people can pour out."
   11. RMc Has Bizarre Ideas to Fix Baseball Posted: December 04, 2011 at 01:49 AM (#4006169)
I absolutely refuse to believe this actually happened, even in the cultural cesspool that was the 1990s. Somebody's playing a sick joke, right? Right...?!
   12. Something Other Posted: December 04, 2011 at 10:36 AM (#4006430)
Rap is great.
Rap is a an art form so willfully self-limited that its very nature all but precludes greatness. Early Public Enemy, on the other hand, was da bomb.

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