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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Bugs & Cranks: Milici: The Darryl Strawberry All-Stars (aka The All-Felon Squad)

With pylon cones and state highway workers still dropping around him…Pinky Higgins looks down (or in his case, probably up) and smiles.

Pedro Guerrero (First Base) — By far the funniest arrest on the squad, Guerrero set up a drug deal in ‘99 that would net him 15 keys of coke in exchange for a $200,000 payment. Little did he know, his connects were actually an undercover agent and an FBI informant. After the Feds delivered fake coke to one of his “business associates,” Pedro and his friend, Lary Mercedes, were promptly arrested at Guerrero’s home. Even though there was plenty of evidence stacked against him, Pedro’s lawyer claimed that he was so stupid that his client had no idea what he was getting into. His lawyer revealed to the courts that Guerrero dropped out of sixth grade in his native Dominican Republic, has an IQ of 70, can not perform simple tasks such as writing a check or making a bed, and receives a small weekly allowance from his wife. And guess what? It worked! In June of 2000, Pedro Guerrero was cleared of all charges.

Repoz Posted: July 25, 2007 at 12:58 PM | 38 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
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1. Long John McCaine Mutiny on the Bounty (scott) Posted: July 25, 2007 at 01:16 PM (#2454548)

obviously Guerrero was not tried in Texas.

2. gef the talking mongoose Posted: July 25, 2007 at 01:22 PM (#2454552)

Ah, but is Guerrero more proficient in English than Sammy Soso?

That's a pretty solid OF. No room for Cesar Cedeno.

3. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: July 25, 2007 at 01:25 PM (#2454554)

we used to have a trivia question: name all the Cy Young award winners who have been convicted of a felony

4. Hello Rusty Kuntz, Goodbye Rusty Cars Posted: July 25, 2007 at 01:29 PM (#2454559)

I'm so sick of players like Albert Belle and Albert Belle trying to run kids over on Halloween.

5. Designated Sitter (GGC) Posted: July 25, 2007 at 01:29 PM (#2454560)

McLain and Hoyt?

6. Devin has a deep burning passion for fuzzy socks Posted: July 25, 2007 at 01:47 PM (#2454579)

I don't remember hearing about Strawberry trying to pretend his car was stolen (I would guess as some kind of insurance scam). That's too bad, I thought he might have finally gotten his stuff together, since I hadn't heard about anything for a few years.

Of course, the most depressing thing is that he's still doing better than Gooden is.

7. Sir Stamford Raffles Posted: July 25, 2007 at 02:10 PM (#2454592)

I suppose Pedro Guerrero is in fact better than Steve Garvey, but it's surprising that a child-molesting Nazi war criminal didn't make the bench.

8. Slinger Francisco Barrios (Dr. Memory) Posted: July 25, 2007 at 02:18 PM (#2454601)

A lot of these aren't felons AFAICT. How long before someone's lawyer gets this taken down?

9. gef the talking mongoose Posted: July 25, 2007 at 02:20 PM (#2454608)

a child-molesting Nazi war criminal didn't make the bench.

Well, see, none of that makes him a felon, afaik. Though I guess it does qualify him for the priesthood &/or Congress.

10. Random Transaction Generator Posted: July 25, 2007 at 02:25 PM (#2454612)

15 keys of coke

Is that really how it would be printed?
Wouldn't it be "kees", as "kee" is the pronouncable shortform for "kilo"?

11. Slinger Francisco Barrios (Dr. Memory) Posted: July 25, 2007 at 02:28 PM (#2454616)

It's always been spelled "keys" in my experience.

12. DK near DC Posted: July 25, 2007 at 02:42 PM (#2454623)

#3 -
McLain, Hoyt and
Vida Blue
Dwight Gooden
Ferguson Jenkins

13. gef the talking mongoose Posted: July 25, 2007 at 02:43 PM (#2454627)

Speaking of spellings & pronunciations & such, am I the only one sort of surprised to see the abbreviation for impaired driving referenced as "Dewey"? Back when I was covering the courts, & later when I was editing cops coverage, I always heard the term(s) pronounced as rhyming with "kiwi." Maybe that's a reflection of the charge beeing DWI (Driving While Intoxicated) in Arkansas, as opposed to DUI (Driving Under the Influence) ...

Maybe that's more of a commentary on the accuracy of the stereotype that residents of Arkansas *(where I grew) are stupid, though I'm pretty sure that I've also heard the same reference in Alabama (not widely regarded as a really big version of Harvard, either), where the charge is DUI.

Or ... hmmm ... maybe I just can't hear very well.

14. Craig Calcaterra Posted: July 25, 2007 at 02:47 PM (#2454631)

In Ohio it's OMVI (Operating a Motor Vehicle while Intoxicated).

And our DMV is called the BMV (Bureau instead of department).

Man, I hate Ohio.

15. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: July 25, 2007 at 02:59 PM (#2454644)

#3 -
McLain, Hoyt and
Vida Blue
Dwight Gooden
Ferguson Jenkins

this is the list that's normally given, however, whether they are "felons" is a matter of legal mumbo-jumbo

and re #13, it was DWI (rhyming with "kiwi") in New York state when I lived there 20 years ago

16. Hello Rusty Kuntz, Goodbye Rusty Cars Posted: July 25, 2007 at 03:05 PM (#2454653)

Speaking of spellings & pronunciations & such, am I the only one sort of surprised to see the abbreviation for impaired driving referenced as "Dewey"?

It's "dewey" in California.

17. Jolly Old St. Neck Wound, Moral Idiot

Posted: July 25, 2007 at 03:11 PM (#2454657)

I always thought that ignorance of the alphabet was no excuse.

18. Gambling Rent Czar Posted: July 25, 2007 at 03:21 PM (#2454668)

Strawberry, Mitchell and Canseco sure gives new meaning to "the Bash Brothers".
..

This one had me in stitches ..

Dick Williams (3B Coach) — On January 17, 2000, the appropriately named ex-A’s & Mariners skipper was staying at a local hotel while attending a Fantasy Baseball camp in Fort Meyers, Florida. In obvious need of exercise, the 70-year old stepped out of his room for a stroll around the property. The only problem was he was naked…aaand masturbating. The other (uptight) residents of the resort called the police and Dick was arrested for indecent exposure. As the team’s third base coach, Williams plans to wave players home by swinging his junk around in circles like a windmill.

Never scared to try new things, that Dick.

19. Ron Johnson Posted: July 25, 2007 at 03:22 PM (#2454673)

I still think Mike Donlin deserves an outfield position. I mean he lost playing time for his stint in prison (and it's not like he didn't have plenty of other legal issues)

Fred Toney's also up for a rotation slot.

20. gef the talking mongoose Posted: July 25, 2007 at 03:39 PM (#2454692)

What about Ron LeFlore? Disqualified because he did things backwards by serving time before playing?

21. The Bones McCoy of THT Posted: July 25, 2007 at 03:52 PM (#2454706)

The only problem was he was naked…aaand masturbating.

Maybe his team was about to acquire this guy and was working on a set of signs that would broach the language barrier.

Best Regards

John

22. kubiwan Posted: July 25, 2007 at 04:27 PM (#2454759)

In Ohio it's OMVI (Operating a Motor Vehicle while Intoxicated).

And our DMV is called the BMV (Bureau instead of department).

And your Kwik-E-Marts are Stop-O-Marts!

23. Jimmy P Posted: July 25, 2007 at 04:38 PM (#2454785)

Toe Nash could be the #1 prospect for the team

24. SandyRiver Posted: July 25, 2007 at 04:47 PM (#2454802)

In Maine, with its large Franco population, it's Operating Under the Influence.

25. gef the talking mongoose Posted: July 25, 2007 at 05:40 PM (#2454879)

In Soviet Russia, Influence Operates Under You!

26. Rear Admiral Piazza Posted: July 25, 2007 at 05:51 PM (#2454899)

What about Frank Tanana?

27. Crispix Attacks Posted: July 25, 2007 at 05:57 PM (#2454908)

Oil Can Boyd may become a felon soon. He was indicted in 2005 for making death threats over the phone to an estranged girlfriend and her child.

Hmmm...I never knew who Elijah Dukes's role model was before.

28. Sir Stamford Raffles Posted: July 25, 2007 at 05:59 PM (#2454909)

Does Pete Rose's time in his prison without bars count for anything?

29. OCF Posted: July 25, 2007 at 06:17 PM (#2454940)

For the old-timers team, outfield: Turkey Mike Donlin. From the writeup in the New Bill James Historical Baseball Abstract, it seems that he served several months in jail right in the middle of his career for assaulting an actress. John McGraw was willing to take him back. Eventually he drifted off to Hollywood.

30. CrosbyBird Posted: July 25, 2007 at 08:13 PM (#2455044)

and re #13, it was DWI (rhyming with "kiwi") in New York state when I lived there 20 years ago

I've lived in New York State for 30 of my 33 years and never once heard it pronounced dee-wee. I've always heard the three letters pronounced individually: dee-doubleyou-why.

This reminds me of a movement to get people to use "web" to mean "www" to save 8 syllables. I didn't like that, and I don't like this; it's inexcusable laziness.

Get off my lawn!

31. OCF Posted: July 25, 2007 at 08:23 PM (#2455054)

Another candidate for the old-timers outfield, but with an asterisk: Benny Kauff was acquitted of auto theft and related charges, but Judge Landis still wouldn't let him back into baseball.

32. Weekly Journalist_ Posted: July 25, 2007 at 08:34 PM (#2455064)

I find the above excerpt offensive, not funny. When did it become ok to make fun of someone for being, clearly, intellectually challenged. If a Jury found him not guilty, I'm willing to believe there is some truth to his difficulties.

33. Weekly Journalist_ Posted: July 25, 2007 at 08:39 PM (#2455069)

Actually, I just went back and read the whole article. This guy is a total dick.

34. Weekly Journalist_ Posted: July 25, 2007 at 08:42 PM (#2455070)

Steve Howe (Relief Pitcher) — Steve Howe is currently serving a 2-year suspension from the Darryl Strawberry All-Stars. In heaven.

What a ####### fuckhole this writer is.

35. baudib Posted: July 25, 2007 at 09:02 PM (#2455079)

I liked it.

36. frannyzoo Posted: July 25, 2007 at 09:07 PM (#2455082)

Speaking of Garvey, did anybody notice that the alleged officer "Roadside Tasks" report for LaRussa, says "Upon reciting the alphabet, Garvey stated it incorrectly...." These "Smoking Gun" wannabes have got to get better with their fake reports, and yes I blame Garvey for TLRs "Dewey", and pretty much every negative thing in human history.

37. bfan Posted: July 25, 2007 at 09:20 PM (#2455093)

I think the 70 IQ has to be an exaggeration; that is border-line feeble-minded, and I just cannot see someone at that level functioning on a major league team. I know many of you feel that if the baseball commissioner can function under that limitation, then the players can also.

38. jwb Posted: July 26, 2007 at 01:07 AM (#2455546)

Reportedly, witnesses said she had been hitting [Strawberry] with a bat near where he had earlier had surgery.

I hope it wasn't a vasectomy. . .

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Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Bugs & Cranks: Milici: The Darryl Strawberry All-Stars (aka The All-Felon Squad)

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