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Tuesday, December 13, 2011

California Restaurant Honors Pujols’ Arrival With Monstrous ‘Machine Burger’

He hath given meat unto them that fear him: he will ever be mindful of his maketh a hellzapoppin’ plop.

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How excited are Angels fans to have Albert Pujols? It took the OC Sports Grill—located about one mile from Angel Stadium of Anaheim—less than a week to build a tribute burger for the former Cardinals slugger. The monstrosity is dubbed “The Machine,” just like the player it honors and is the brainchild of the restaurant’s management and chef Vince Carino.

“We all got together when we found out [Pujols] signed,” Carino said. “We knew we had to come up with something cool because starting next season, we’re going to be even busier than we’ve been, and we’re always pretty busy.”

The dish has plenty of gut-busting power. It includes 1/2 lb. of chimichurri seasoned angus, queso frito, pulled pork and cabbage tossed in “savon” sauce (adding plenty of Dominican flair), tomatoes, avocado and crispy onion straws. All told, it packs well over 2,000 calories, according to Carino. In case you’re curious, that’s at least four Big Mac’s worth of calories.

Repoz Posted: December 13, 2011 at 11:09 PM | 33 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: angels, business, memorabilia

Reader Comments and Retorts

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   1. Jolly Old St. Nick Is A Jolly Old St. Crip Posted: December 14, 2011 at 12:05 AM (#4015739)
   2. Gamingboy Posted: December 14, 2011 at 12:06 AM (#4015742)
Pujols ain't eating it. Wilson ain't eating it. If only Bartolo Colon were still around and in mid-aught form.
   3. Matt Clement of Alexandria Posted: December 14, 2011 at 12:10 AM (#4015748)
I hate it when you can't fit a burger in your mouth. What, exactly, am I supposed to do with this thing? Rub it on my chin and hope I can ingest it by osmosis?
   4. base ball chick Posted: December 14, 2011 at 12:25 AM (#4015769)
it LOOKS disgusting. you can't even eat it as a sandwich

and andy, i should have known better than to click on that link
   5. Autobahn Posted: December 14, 2011 at 12:28 AM (#4015771)
If you want to appear somewhat civilized you could go at the excess meat spilling over the bun with a knife and fork, reducing it to a more manageable size.

But seeing as someone ordering a novelty burger probably won't worry too much about appearances, you're best off just picking it up and slowly eating away at the burger trying not to spill too much on disgusted family/fellow restaurant customers.
   6. McCoy Posted: December 14, 2011 at 12:31 AM (#4015774)
Most of the "extreme" burgers are meant to be shared with other people.
   7. Walt Davis Posted: December 14, 2011 at 12:54 AM (#4015787)
Is that white goop the "savon" sauce? Or just half a jar of mayo?

Should you want to tackle such a beastie, scrap the fixin's off to the side (who wants pulled pork and cabbage on their burger anyway ... and crispy onion straws? no thanks). Then you can eat it like a burger ... with a side of pulled pork and cabbage, onion straws, onion rings, a cup of savon sauce, and a toothpick.

I'm assuming you started with a plate full of nachos with beans, chili, sour cream, guac, salsa, and half a rack of ribs on top (the Valenzuela VeinBuster they call it). Then for dessert, the Moo Vaughn -- 6 pints of ice cream between 4 split bananas, topped with a pint of hot fudge, two cups of whip cream, chocolate covered peanuts, 2 Mars bars all served in an apple pie bowl with half a rack of ribs on top.
   8. Morty Causa Posted: December 14, 2011 at 12:58 AM (#4015792)
We need some more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.
   9. Tim Wallach was my Hero Posted: December 14, 2011 at 01:11 AM (#4015802)
That guy isn't a "chef", right? He wasn't trained in the same schools Quebec and French chefs go to, I believe...

Ok, I'll come out. I'm really glad I don't live in the US. This disgusts me, you have no idea how. Don't misunderstand me: I like a good burger like anyone else. And home fries are delightful when done alright. We also have our share of crappy food up here too. But after having traveled in many places, I would not trade "my" grocery stores and my restaurants for anything in the world.
   10. Fancy Pants Handles lap changes with class Posted: December 14, 2011 at 01:18 AM (#4015813)
Most of the "extreme" burgers are meant to be shared with other people.

I don't mind meals that are designed to be shared. But how the hell do you share a Burger?!? The entire point of a Burger is to pick it up, with your hands, and then bite into it...
   11. SouthSideRyan Posted: December 14, 2011 at 01:22 AM (#4015816)
   12. just plain joe Posted: December 14, 2011 at 01:24 AM (#4015817)
Do they call 911 when you order that monstrosity or do they wait until someone actually tries to eat it?
   13. Misirlou's been working for the drug squad Posted: December 14, 2011 at 01:41 AM (#4015833)
Then for dessert, the Moo Vaughn -- 6 pints of ice cream between 4 split bananas, topped with a pint of hot fudge, two cups of whip cream, chocolate covered peanuts, 2 Mars bars all served in an apple pie bowl with half a rack of ribs on top.


Skip the bananas, they're just empty vitamins.
   14. asinwreck Posted: December 14, 2011 at 02:11 AM (#4015852)
My aorta hurts just looking at that thing.
   15. cardsfanboy Posted: December 14, 2011 at 02:46 AM (#4015870)
My aorta hurts just looking at that thing


Yep, I love the Royal Robin at Red Robin, and I call it the heart attack burger, and all it is, is a hamburger, bacon and an egg sandwich. I couldn't imagine what one of these monstrosities would do to ones body.
   16. Mattbert Posted: December 14, 2011 at 03:14 AM (#4015878)
BREAKING: Banned substance behind Ryan Braun's failed PED test revealed!
   17. Morty Causa Posted: December 14, 2011 at 03:14 AM (#4015880)
The Good Morning Burger from The Simpsons.
   18. MattAtBat Posted: December 14, 2011 at 03:18 AM (#4015885)
That burger looks pretty tasty. Expensive but worth it in the short-term. Six years down the road, when you miss a bunch of work to get angioplasty, you'll probably regret paying so much for that burger.
   19. AJMcCringleberry Posted: December 14, 2011 at 03:45 AM (#4015905)
The Carnegie Deli came up with the Mo-Licious when Mo Vaughn came to town. It looks bite sized next to his head.
   20. Howie Menckel Posted: December 14, 2011 at 03:49 AM (#4015906)
like tossing chum off a deep-sea fishing boat, but this tweet just happened

JonHeymanCBS 9:38pm via Web

once and for all, i dont want to hear that all 10-year deals are busts. how was derek jeter's $189M for 10 yrs? #bargain
   21. PreservedFish Posted: December 14, 2011 at 03:50 AM (#4015907)
Ok, I'll come out. I'm really glad I don't live in the US. This disgusts me, you have no idea how.


A lot of Americans would find poutine disgusting.

(I think it's delicious)

But after having traveled in many places, I would not trade "my" grocery stores and my restaurants for anything in the world.


So you like the food you grew up with? Good for you!
   22. AJMcCringleberry Posted: December 14, 2011 at 03:59 AM (#4015914)
i dont want to hear that all 10-year deals are busts. how was derek jeter's $189M for 10 yrs?

Second best among current Yankee players.
   23. Rough Carrigan Posted: December 14, 2011 at 04:21 AM (#4015925)
Derek Jeter wasn't 34 when he signed his 10 year deal.
   24. Sleepy supports unauthorized rambling Posted: December 14, 2011 at 04:34 AM (#4015933)
Pujols ain't eating it. Wilson ain't eating it. If only Bartolo Colon were still around and in mid-aught form.


Good thing the Angels didn't sign Prince Fielder.
   25. Cris E Posted: December 14, 2011 at 05:05 AM (#4015949)
The burger place near my house has a Buy Ten Burgers And Get A Free Burger and T-shirt punch card thing. (I have four shirts so far, but I'm prouder of my sub-200 cholesterol level than anything else.) The thing is, the burgers are immense and full of stuff ranging from cheese and bacon to, um, short ribs and whatnot. Anyway, my buddy, not a paragon of healthful living, attempted to explain to his wife how he needed to do this. "A shirt?" she replied, "What's the widow get?"
   26. Andere Richtingen Posted: December 14, 2011 at 06:05 AM (#4015995)
Ok, I'll come out. I'm really glad I don't live in the US. This disgusts me, you have no idea how.

Pot. Kettle. Black.
   27. Sam M. Posted: December 14, 2011 at 06:23 AM (#4016004)
That burger is among the most disgusting things I've ever seen -- and I love me some junk food. But the single thing about it that turns me off the most (of course, the worst thing about it is its collective and awesome grossness) is the avocado. I really, really hate avocado. So much so that one of the highlights of my Con Law class each year is when we cover Florida Lime & Avocado Growers, Inc. v. California Dep't of Agriculture, a case ostensibly about conflict pre-emption but actually in the case book only so I can spend about 15 minutes railing about how much I hate avocados. The students then tell me how crazy I am, and extol the virtues of guacamole, and we all have a good time.
   28. UCCF Posted: December 14, 2011 at 09:33 AM (#4016039)
If you dropped the tomatoes, avocado, and cabbage, I'd take a run at it. A hamburger with cheese, pulled pork, and onion rings. Sold.
   29. Sleepy supports unauthorized rambling Posted: December 14, 2011 at 09:39 AM (#4016040)
If you dropped the tomatoes, avocado, and cabbage, I'd take a run at it. A hamburger with cheese, pulled pork, and onion rings. Sold.


This is true. Proper burgers do not have healthy things on them.

On the other hand, mushrooms are essential. Good burgers should have something to represent the mold food group, the larger, the better.
   30. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: December 14, 2011 at 04:35 PM (#4016168)
onion rings


No, crispy onion straws. Onion rings are delicious, and crispy onion straws taste like Satan's deep-fried pubes.
   31. Ron J Posted: December 14, 2011 at 04:46 PM (#4016190)
#3 A Zits strip dealt with this a few years back. You just unhinge your jaw and slide it in. (Incidentally, there are videos on youtube that purport to show this in action.)
   32. Ron J Posted: December 14, 2011 at 04:50 PM (#4016195)
#21 There are parts of Quebec (Rimouski IIRC) where they add mayo to their poutine.
   33. Karl from NY Posted: December 14, 2011 at 06:49 PM (#4016330)
A lot of Americans would find poutine disgusting.

(I think it's delicious)

These aren't mutually exclusive. I find it both disgusting and delicious.

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