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Thursday, July 19, 2012

Don Malcolm: ALEXI AND THE SMALLFRY

Only after seeing Frankie Darro’s brilliant turn as ‘Little Dandy’ Dorf last night…did I decide to run this.

OK, not a roster composed of 25 Eddie Gaedels. We are using the term “midget” loosely here, without resorting to the tortuous legalisms that have befouled the ersatz law firm of Posnanski, James, and Neyer. Even we know that a bunch of 3’8” guys can’t pass muster on a ball field. (And, in the spirit of foul play, we’ll simply avoid any mention of the shower room. Oops…)

No, not “midgets.” (Certainly not the ones that Tom Griffin wanted to drop from the Astrodome roof.) Rather, “smallfry.” We had a team years ago, in Bill James Fantasy Baseball—before it became necessary to distance ourselves from the King of Big-Screen Contrarianism—that was made up of players who were no taller than 5’9.” (Bill, of course, is 6’5”, and ya know what they say: “the bigger they are…”). We placed that team in the Rockies’ first home park—Mile High Stadium. We called that squad the Mile High Smallfry. Those little dudes—of course, some of them weren’t really so little back in the day, when men were manly without being at least 6’3”—beat the snot out the ball.

...Batting sixth, playing third base: Alberto Callaspo (5’9”, 200). These aren’t quite your father’s Smallfry…a lot of these guys are what the supermarket soup cans like to call “chunky.” The cheap-ass Royals dumped Callaspo because they didn’t want to have to pay him a big league salary, a brazen example of “sizism” that we’d point out needs some serious investigation except for the fact that MLB just isn’t any good at conducting them.

Batting seventh, playing left field: Alexi Amarista (5’7”, 155). Just imagine how cuddly the seriously shorter than 5’7” Alexi would look if he were decked out in actual “Padres’ robes”—it would make for a wonderful publicity shot, except for the fact that people have become creeped out by all of those sex scandals. As Stephen Stills so prophetically noted at the height of the Aquarian Age: “It’s getting to the point/That I’m no fun anymore.” When you can’t play dress-up with MLB’s most appealing tater tot, you know that the thought police have managed to make the Puritans look like party boys.

Repoz Posted: July 19, 2012 at 06:34 AM | 0 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: sabermetrics

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