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Monday, July 16, 2012

Galina: Five MLB Players That Are Great At Baseball But Bother Me

Mark Teixeira appears confused by his absence.

This does not reflect the opinions of the entire Bugs & Cranks crew. Or maybe it does. I didn’t ask. A lady never does, she just irrationally hates on Cole Hamels.

Cole Hamels: He’s married to someone from Survivor. That’s like being married to someone who was on, gee, I dunno, Big Brother. Not all reality TV is bad. I love Iron Chef and stand by Kristin Cavallari and Jay Cutler’s union because The Hills was an outstanding achievement in junk food television. But those shows are scripted reality. Plus, Cole Hamels’s face is an actual rectangle. A rectangle with eyes. It’s freaky. However, if the Yankees trade for him, he can marry the entire cast of the Bachlorette. Kthnxbai.

Brett Lawrie: I like the Blue Jays. I want them to get the 2nd wildcard spot. If they were in the AL Central, they’d win the division every year. However, Brett Lawrie looks like one of those guys that starts doing pushups when he feels threatened and thinks he’s being charming when he’s photographed without a shirt on. He can hit, he’s the future of the Jays and he’s Canadian. By all accounts I should love this guy. But really kids, he’s a mouthbreather who only knows where Toronto is on a map because José Bautista showed him where it is. “Hey buddy,” José points to Toronto on a map of North America. “This is where we play. Do you want a cookie?”

Repoz Posted: July 16, 2012 at 06:17 AM | 34 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
Tags: mlb

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1. RMc and His Roster of Rubbish Posted: July 16, 2012 at 08:06 AM (#4183592)

The only question is: Is this the dumbest article ever linked to Primer, or is it the dumbest thing in the history of human existence?

2. The District Attorney Posted: July 16, 2012 at 08:17 AM (#4183598)

I didn't know CJ Wilson dated supermodels.

3. Bhaakon Posted: July 16, 2012 at 08:44 AM (#4183610)

The only question is: Is this the dumbest article ever linked to Primer, or is it the dumbest thing in the history of human existence?

If this were a post on Primer, people would be applauding its brilliance.

4. bobm Posted: July 16, 2012 at 08:46 AM (#4183612)

[1] Her first article was not much better:

Elisabeth Galina
July 8, 2012 at 1:14 pm ET
Best record in baseball? You bet.

Pitchers. Can’t win with ‘em … actually you can. But sometimes your offense is so good who cares if CC pulled his groin reaching for a bag of Cheetos. Let’s be Frank: (Francisco? Robinson? The Tank? Pick one.) The Yankees shouldn’t be winning as much as they are (best record in baseball as of 10:29am today) because Andy “Oh maybe I was wrong and it was Clemens’s wife who was on steroids” Pettitte and CC “Sleeping Bags For Pants” Sabathia are injured. Let’s not forget about Mariano Rivera. I was listening to Enter Sandman the other day and almost teared up. Sure, this team has Robinson Cano. That’s an automatic bonus. That’s a collect $200, pass go, kind of thing. Cano is one of the best players in the game. He’s so good that he should team up with the other best players and start a law firm.

Kemp, Bautista, Votto & Cano – Call us when you’re injured. We’ll send Melky Cabrera to take your deposition.

All I’m saying is that even with Robinson Cano, Tom Jeter’s brother Derek (if you get this reference we can be BFFs. For life.), Old Man Ibanez, Human Bobblehead Swisher and the rest of the cast of Damn Yankees 2.0, they shouldn’t be that good. They should be third in the AL East.

There are three pitchers in particular who are are carrying the bulk of the starting load. They’re doing, as Larry David would say, pretty, pretty good. Who knew that Phil, Ivan and Hiroki – sounds like they should be the bad guys in the next installment of Die Hard, Die Harderer – would be the pitching as well as they have. And the bullpen is killing it too. What a world we live in!

So that’s it. The NY Yankees are the best team in baseball without CC, Andy and Mariano. Deal with it, Texas Rangers.

http://www.bugsandcranks.com/elisabeth_galina/baseball/best-record-in-baseball-you-bet/

5. UCCF Posted: July 16, 2012 at 08:46 AM (#4183613)

Maybe Jeter should settle down with Iron Chef French Hiroyuki Sakai. Problem solved!

6. I Knew A Guy Who Knew A Guy Who Knew Rey Ordonez Posted: July 16, 2012 at 08:53 AM (#4183616)

I didn't know CJ Wilson dated supermodels.

I didn't know supermodels dated CJ Wilson.

7. bobm Posted: July 16, 2012 at 09:06 AM (#4183627)

Unfunny stuff tweeted by the author:

Elisabeth Galina
@RefinedJerky
Toronto
Don't sit on that grass, bugs totally $@&? there!
http://www.bugsandcranks.com/

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 1d
All the #Rays look like Kid Rock. Except José Molina. That guy's the best.

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 5d
Is Jared [sic] Weaver the singer from Puddle of Mud? #ASG

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 5d
Children of North America, Dan Uggla is the monster hiding under your bed #ASG #HeUggly

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 5d
O NOES DAVID FREESE LUKZ SAD :(

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 6d
Way to ruin Christmas, Justin Verlander! #ASG

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 10 Jul
George Brett is the best. I hope he's drunk right now & has the meat sweats. #hrderby

...

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 10 Jul
Houston Street named his kid Ripkin. [sic] We need to sterilize all baseball players #HRDerby

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 10 Jul
Every time I see Nomar Garciaparra I'm reminded of his Emmy winning turn on 2 Guys, A Girl & A Pizza Place #HomeRunDerby

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 09 Jul
The best thing about the #Newsroom is when Sam Waterston & Jane Fonda cuss. Old people swearing is rad.

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 08 Jul
AJ Burnett is out-pitching Tim Lincecum. Is this the rapture or the first sign of a zombie apocalypse? #Pirates #Giants #MLB

...

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 07 Jul
Nick Swisher looks like he should be a fat guy. #Yankees

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 07 Jul
Jose Altuve is so adorable I wanna put him in my pocket #Astros

...

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 06 Jul
Somewhere in Maine Matt Stairs is riding a moose & laughing at Jamie Moyer #JustSayin #MLB

...

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 04 Jul
Happy Birthday #America! Thanks for #Chipotle - A burrito with the same calories as a Big Mac? Well played.

...

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 01 Jul
Happy 145th birthday #Canada, you old whore!

...

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 30 Jun
Going to tomorrow's #BlueJays / #Angels game. Will probably get asked to leave for throwing booze on CJ Wilson.

8. JJ1986 Posted: July 16, 2012 at 09:13 AM (#4183631)

All the #Rays look like Kid Rock. Except José Molina. That guy's the best.

Especially BJ Upton and Desmond Jennings.

9. jobu Posted: July 16, 2012 at 09:22 AM (#4183637)

Somewhere in Maine Matt Stairs is riding a moose & laughing at Jamie Moyer

This is at least a little funny.

10. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: July 16, 2012 at 09:43 AM (#4183655)

I guess Adam Corolla was right.

11. PASTE Thinks This Trout Kid Might Be OK (Zeth) Posted: July 16, 2012 at 09:49 AM (#4183661)

I would much rather read "five MLB players who suck at baseball by MLB standards but I still enjoy". Maybe I'll write that. We can just call it "the Slappy article" for short.

12. Boxkutter Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:11 AM (#4183678)

I actually enjoyed the article. She doesn't play it serious and admits that her annoyance at the players is irrational and has no real merit. I have players I don't like for similar reasons. A couple of them are even on her list.

Children of North America, Dan Uggla is the monster hiding under your bed #ASG #HeUggly And I found that funny. But Uggla is one of those players I just don't like for no reason at all.

13. Never Give an Inge (Dave) Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:15 AM (#4183680)

Who is this person?

14. Neutral Milk Dotel (Dan Lee) Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:18 AM (#4183684)

Houston Street named his kid Ripkin. [sic] We need to sterilize all baseball players

Seriously. What kind of asshat would misspell the name of an all-star baseball player?

15. winnipegwhip Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:21 AM (#4183688)

Houston Street named his kid Ripkin. [sic] We need to sterilize all baseball players
Seriously. What kind of asshat would misspell the name of an all-star baseball player?

Can't wait for the kid to get his nickname from a 1988 Fleer Card.

16. PASTE Thinks This Trout Kid Might Be OK (Zeth) Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:32 AM (#4183696)

She might be the first person on earth that has ever hated the Rays.

17. RJ in TO Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:38 AM (#4183697)

I was greatly amused by her comments on Brett Lawrie.

18. Rickey Fredonia Fudge Duckery Precious Twiddle Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:39 AM (#4183699)

I really don't get the hate directed towards this article. As lighthearted, don't take yourself or the silly game too seriously articles go, this isn't bad by any means. There's actually a few clever bits in there.

19. Mayor Blomberg Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:41 AM (#4183700)

Seriously. What kind of asshat would misspell the name of an all-star baseball player?

Indeed. God knows I've never seen spelling errors on twitter or Internet boards.

20. BourbonSamurai, vassal of the Harpsburg Empire Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:41 AM (#4183701)

Elisabeth Galina @RefinedJerky 07 Jul
Nick Swisher looks like he should be a fat guy. #Yankees

this one i agree with

21. Drew (Primakov, Gungho Iguanas) Posted: July 16, 2012 at 10:45 AM (#4183708)

More missteps than the head of the Black Ajah.

22. Brian C Posted: July 16, 2012 at 11:00 AM (#4183718)

The only question is: Is this the dumbest article ever linked to Primer, or is it the dumbest thing in the history of human existence?

Probably not either, but it does read like she's auditioning for a spot with Grantland.

23. PASTE Thinks This Trout Kid Might Be OK (Zeth) Posted: July 16, 2012 at 11:02 AM (#4183720)

Probably not either, but it does read like she's auditioning for a spot with Grantland.

Shrewd play.

24. dr. scott Posted: July 16, 2012 at 11:35 AM (#4183760)

Did not RTFA, but have no major qualms with most of what she is snarking about. My wife too irrationally hates cole Hamels... Actually I find it completely rational. For some reason I find it funnier than I should when women phyically objectify wealthy male Athletes. I guess its part of my liberal self loathing.

25. Boxkutter Posted: July 16, 2012 at 01:30 PM (#4183935)

Probably not either, but it does read like she's auditioning for a spot with Grantland.

I totally got the same vibe. But I dig Grantland, or at least the articles about sports that I like. I avoid the soccer and boxing ones.

26. Never Give an Inge (Dave) Posted: July 16, 2012 at 01:33 PM (#4183939)

The Josh Hamilton entry was borderline idiotic. If she's auditioning for Grantland (which I agree she is), she's not getting a callback.

Making fun of Cole Hamels is like shooting fish in a barrel. This is a bit over-the-top obsessive, but some of it is pretty good.

27. Crispix Attacks 2: Swag Airlines Posted: July 16, 2012 at 01:43 PM (#4183952)

Hey, if this picture was of David Ortiz people would be talking about how awesome it was. Cole Hamels just has a haircut that makes him look like a dochebag if he's doing other than playing baseball or riding a skateboard.

28. Brian C Posted: July 16, 2012 at 01:46 PM (#4183957)

I totally got the same vibe. But I dig Grantland, or at least the articles about sports that I like.

I don't hate Grantland, but their QC is wildly uneven, and too many of its writers seem like they're trying to write like Bill Simmons. Gets overbearing.

29. Yeaarrgghhhh Posted: July 16, 2012 at 01:58 PM (#4183976)

I always find it weird when women go out of their way to point out that they're not feminists. Presumably she means that she's not one of those hairy, bra-burning types, but the pushback against a 30 year old stereotype is odd.

30. toratoratora Posted: July 16, 2012 at 02:29 PM (#4184020)

I go back and forth on Grantland but the Jeter's Diaries feature they run-yeah-that's solid gold.

31. Srul Itza Posted: July 16, 2012 at 03:15 PM (#4184086)

The only thing wrong with the article is that she lists Jonathan Papelbon at #5.

How is he not #1?

32. phredbird

Posted: July 16, 2012 at 04:41 PM (#4184177)

this wasn't so bad. i have irrational hatred of certain players. i really hated tino 'popup with RISP' martinez when he was on the cardinals.

i really dislike slappy pierre. and don't get me started on andruw jones.

i also din't like fernando vina.

so whatever. i'm tired and i need a nap and i'm at work having a terrible day.

33. Walt Davis Posted: July 16, 2012 at 05:23 PM (#4184205)

Well, I have a perfectly rational hatred of anybody who's ever worn a Mets uniform but so few have been great at baseball that it's not really relevant to this article.

34. jingoist Posted: July 16, 2012 at 06:09 PM (#4184233)

I never cared for Howie Pollet; he sucked big in '56.

And a few years earlier the O'brien twins always let me down.

Never a big Dee Fondy fan either.

Then again, I was 10 at the time and didn't like players who failed my Buccos as players or beat us as a rival.

Then I grew a bit older and a bit more rational.

Now it's the Donald Trumps and Jamie Dimonds of the world that I loath

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Monday, July 16, 2012

Galina: Five MLB Players That Are Great At Baseball But Bother Me

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