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Thursday, March 06, 2008

ESPN: Garfamudis: Stop the revolution . . . I want to get off

The Great Garfamudis is back! (as opposed to The Great Gamere, who…is not)

So Jeremy Brown has called it quitskies, huh? You’d think that the retirement of a guy who is built somewhat like me would make me sad, but it doesn’t. Instead, I danced a hora when I heard it.

...Here’s the thing: We used to enjoy baseball just fine before all this “Moneyball” stuff started. You’d go to the ballpark or to a bar and people would talk about the game and never mention made-up stats like VROOM or SHIRK or PMS. Everyone got along just fine. Teams played, pitchers pitched, batters batted, the won-loss columns would fill up and, at the end of the year, you’d have the World Series. What was so hard about that?

Now, I look at the stats page and it has more columns than the Parthenon. Puts an antebellum plantation to shame. What do we need all these extra numbers for? The game is being ruined by people who would be better off watching “Star Trek” (come to think of it, one of their cockamamy stats is called WARP). What was wrong with the way things used to be? Was the game losing fans because it didn’t have enough ways of measuring itself? (Did I mention the stats page has a lot of columns? It has more than the rich-boy frat house at an Ivy League school.)

Thanks to Danny

Repoz Posted: March 06, 2008 at 02:08 PM | 106 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
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1. akrasian Posted: March 06, 2008 at 02:31 PM (#2707187)

Was the game losing fans because it didn’t have enough ways of measuring itself?

Didn't MLB have record attendance in 2007?

2. Hector Moreda & The Generalissimo Posted: March 06, 2008 at 02:42 PM (#2707194)

People, I beg you - do not follow this link. As far as I can tell from Google, "Art Garfamudis" doesn't even exist (though I don't know why I'd need Google to guess that). The only hits are for this column, a HoF Ballot where he doesn't vote for good-looking players, and a column ragging on the 18-0 Patriots (they're not perfect cause they didn't shut everyone out).

I believe espn.com's business model is evolving into:
1. Invent "writer"
2. Pen screamingly biased article to rile up the masses
3. $$$ from ad impressions

Don't do it. Don't play their game. Don't encourage them.

EDIT: Now I understand the "is back" in the intro. So some of you probably already know this.

3. Shooty: Applying to be Fearless Leader

Posted: March 06, 2008 at 02:42 PM (#2707195)

Didn't MLB have record attendance in 2007?

Real men don't use facts. So just ignore that record attendance and billions of dollars of revenue MLB is taking in.

Besides, if you want real nerdiness, just try to watch ESPN's NFL pre-game show and try to sit through all the fantasy football b#llshit.

#2. D'oh. I forgot. He's the fake satirical guy they made up. It was a trap!

4. villageidiom Posted: March 06, 2008 at 02:48 PM (#2707203)

ESPN: Garfamudis: Stop the revolution . . . I want to get off

There's a Jesse Levis joke there.

5. PASTE is not impressed by Albert Pujols (Zeth) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 02:52 PM (#2707209)

That's what's (choose one: So great; so sad; both) about this: It's a total satire that nonetheless looks so much like something someone like Murray Chass would write that, at first blush, you can't really tell the difference.

This one is so close to what a Raccoon Lodge guy would actually write that it's not really even funny. The first Garfamudis piece (with his Hall of Fame ballot) was a scream. Especially his blurb at the end explaining who he is:

Art Garfamudis once wrote about baseball when the regular guy at his newspaper had appendicitis. He did it again several years later during a blizzard that kept the front-line staff stranded in their homes and, finally, a third time, in 1984, when the team beat writer was abruptly fired for stealing quarters from the honor box in the break room. This qualified him for membership in the BBWAA, which he has enjoyed ever since.

6. Cooperstown Schtick Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:17 PM (#2707226)

Didn't MLB have record attendance in 2007?

Didn't Garfamudis make it clear that he is impervious to your contrived math?

7. Craig Calcaterra Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:22 PM (#2707230)

He has denied it, but I remain convinced that it's Neyer.

8. Repoz

Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:31 PM (#2707244)

He has denied it, but I remain convinced that it's Neyer.

Sounds more like Ike Ferrell.

9. Hurdle's Heroes (SuperBaes) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:32 PM (#2707245)

Isn't Art Garfamudis Steve Phillips' pen name? Satire aside, doesn't this sound like the way he ran the Mets?

10. Danny Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:33 PM (#2707247)

That's what's (choose one: So great; so sad; both) about this: It's a total satire that nonetheless looks so much like something someone like Murray Chass would write that, at first blush, you can't really tell the difference.

I found it on an A's blog, where someone posted to ##### about it. I don't think it was nearly as good as the HOF one, though.

11. Craig Calcaterra Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:44 PM (#2707256)

See, I think it was better than the HoF one because you literally could substitute "Bill Conlin" or whoever for "Art Garfimudis" in the byline and a huge number of people wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Which I think is the point. The HoF one was a scream, but in some ways it was too funny to be really good dry satire.

My hunch for it being Neyer: (a) it takes brains and skill to write satire this dry, and Rob has more of those things than most folks with the keys to ESPN; (b) it takes a sabermetric bent and a sense of humor about it see the humor in the subject, and Rob has both of those as well; and (c) Rob used to write a phony sportswriter column on his personal website under the name of Scribbly Tate, and in some ways Garfimudis is the rightful heir to Tate's arm garters and cigars.

Take that all with a grain of salt, though, in that I also believed that Diane Sawyer was Deep Throat of Watergate fame.

12. Danny Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:48 PM (#2707261)

This one was much more believable, but it didn't make me laugh.

13. Mark Shirk (jsch) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:48 PM (#2707262)

First of all, it is interesting that someone could mistake my surname for a baseball stat. Second of all, I wouldn't be surprised if it was someone who covers more than just baseball, there was an article about the patriots in there after all. Jim Caple? Eric Neel?

14. rLr Is King Of The Romans And Above Grammar Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:49 PM (#2707264)

Take that all with a grain of salt, though, in that I also believed that Diane Sawyer was Deep Throat of Watergate fame.

Come on. It was a Diane Sawyer/Linda Lovelace fantasy. It's okay to admit it.

15. Craig Calcaterra Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:57 PM (#2707273)

Come on. It was a Diane Sawyer/Linda Lovelace fantasy. It's okay to admit it.

I'm not going to sit here and listen to these baseless allegations!

Ok, maybe a little.

16. PASTE is not impressed by Albert Pujols (Zeth) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 03:57 PM (#2707274)

It's David Schoenfeld. Nobody's telling me any different.

17. Hello Rusty Kuntz, Goodbye Rusty Cars Posted: March 06, 2008 at 04:01 PM (#2707278)

Here’s the thing: We used to enjoy baseball just fine before all this “ESPN” stuff started.

18. Designated Sitter (GGC) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 04:30 PM (#2707303)

Neyer doesn't write about football often, but he used to share a sports columns of sorts with Allen Barra that did cover other sports. He's a Vike's fan, IIRC. I have no clue what the -amudis part of the preudonym stands for.

19. Bill Veeck's Wooden Leg Posted: March 06, 2008 at 04:33 PM (#2707305)

Here’s the thing: We used to enjoy baseball just fine before all this “ESPN” stuff started.

Welcome to the Hotel California, Russ ...

20. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 04:51 PM (#2707328)

I have no clue what the -amudis part of the preudonym stands for.

I assume either coatimundi or the Ruppert Mundys

21. Art Garfamudis Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:00 PM (#2707335)

Your guesses are close, but way off.

22. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:14 PM (#2707346)

Your guesses are close, but way off.

then "amudis" must be a code for Paul Simon

(just guessing, here)

23. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:19 PM (#2707352)

I just realized Garfamudis is an anagram for "mafia drugs"

(of course, it's also an anagram for "sad magi fur", so I don't know where that gets us)

24. The Essex Snead Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:19 PM (#2707354)

My guesses:

1) Eric Neel
2) Keith Law
3) John Kruk

Come on, #3!

25. PASTE is not impressed by Albert Pujols (Zeth) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:24 PM (#2707366)

John Kruk plus one hellacious proofreader, maybe.

26. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:25 PM (#2707367)

"Rob used to write a phony sportswriter column on his personal website under the name of Scribbly Tate"

Scribbly Tate was fake?

For an encore, why don't you tell everybody that there's no such thing as Santa Claus? Killjoy.

27. Craig Calcaterra Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:28 PM (#2707373)

For an encore, why don't you tell everybody that there's no such thing as Santa Claus? Killjoy.

Rosebud was the sled.
Leia is Luke's sister.
Trinity Dies.
Bruce Willis is dead.

Let's see . . . what else can I ruin today . . .

28. talbright Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:30 PM (#2707377)

Edward Norton and Brad Pitt are the same person.

29. Charter Member of the Jesus Melendez Fanclub Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:37 PM (#2707386)

Verbal Kint may or may not be Keyser Soze.

30. Jolly Old St. Neck Wound, Moral Idiot

Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:38 PM (#2707390)

It has more than the rich-boy frat house at an Ivy League school.

I always thought that the rich-boy Ivy League schools had eating clubs, not frat houses. Dartmouth doesn't count.

31. Designated Sitter (GGC) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:39 PM (#2707392)

I thought that Tate was just Gene Carney. Or did Carney write for Lahman's site?

32. Misirlou's got a busy day, he's wearing a vest Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:43 PM (#2707398)

Dil is a dude!

Gollum destroys the ring

33. Yeaarrgghhhh Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:43 PM (#2707399)

Shia Laboeuf does not die at the end of "Transformers." Megatron does.

34. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:45 PM (#2707401)

"Let's see . . . what else can I ruin today . . ."

King Kong falls off the building?

35. Charter Member of the Jesus Melendez Fanclub Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:45 PM (#2707402)

The Wizard is really just a little man behind the curtain.

36. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:46 PM (#2707404)

"Shia Laboeuf does not die at the end of 'Transformers.'"

Although "ruined" and "spoiled" sound like they should be the same thing, they really aren't.

37. Yeaarrgghhhh Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:46 PM (#2707405)

Your guesses are close, but way off.

Sounds like a zen koan. Maybe Art = Robert Pirsig?

38. Charter Member of the Jesus Melendez Fanclub Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:50 PM (#2707410)

Ramo gets electrocuted by the 3rd rail.

39. WillYoung Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:51 PM (#2707411)

Take that all with a grain of salt, though, in that I also believed that Diane Sawyer was Deep Throat of Watergate fame.

I've mentioned this before and RB in NYC has had the same prof, but one of the History Professors at GW is convinced that Watergate was staged to cover up a brothel being run by a South Korean Georgetown Law Student in order to entrap Democratic Congressmen into supporting South Korea's defense. Nixon was breaking into the building to get the dirt on the Congressmen. Oh, and the prof was also certain that Diane Sawyer was one of the call girls.

40. Guapo Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:54 PM (#2707414)

Obama wins the nomination

41. Craig Calcaterra Posted: March 06, 2008 at 05:56 PM (#2707418)

Oh, and the prof was also certain that Diane Sawyer was one of the call girls.

OK, my minor (and long since passed) Diane Sawyer thing pales compared to that. However, the fact that he teaches at GW and I went there for law school is probably significant somehow.

42. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 06:16 PM (#2707438)

Oh, and the prof was also certain that Diane Sawyer was one of the call girls.

well, your ex-prof is obviously crazy; Sawyer was a lowly White House aide at that time

why would they use her when they had Maureen Dean on retainer?

(or Martha Mitchell)

43. villageidiom Posted: March 06, 2008 at 06:20 PM (#2707443)

Pete had not been turned into a toad.

(At least Delmar was surprised.)

44. Maury Brown Posted: March 06, 2008 at 06:27 PM (#2707456)

It has to be Dan Patrick. After exuding how Miguel Batista listens to Kenny G. yesterday, he needed to get cerebral under a pen name back at the WWL.

No one will know who Art really is.

45. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 06:35 PM (#2707468)

Bruce Willis has been dead since the beginning of the movie.

46. Hurdle's Heroes (SuperBaes) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 07:37 PM (#2707520)

The Titanic sinks, but I won't ruin the ending of the new O.J. Simpson book. Interesting note, though: The book's titled "If I Did It..." and includes commentary by the Goldman family titled "He Did It".

47. Danny Posted: March 06, 2008 at 07:42 PM (#2707525)

Soylent Green is llamas!

48. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 07:46 PM (#2707529)

"Bruce Willis has been dead since the beginning of the movie."

By which, of course, I mean "Die Hard".

49. Charter Member of the Jesus Melendez Fanclub Posted: March 06, 2008 at 07:47 PM (#2707530)

Obama wins the nomination

But wait! I thought he had lost MOMENTUM!?! I thought he had shown he doesn't know how to close out an opponent!?! This twist would be too improbable!

50. gay guy in cut-offs smoking the objective pipe Posted: March 06, 2008 at 07:48 PM (#2707531)

Dartmouth doesn't count.

The hell you say.

51. Benji Gil Gamesh is not being paid to be that guy Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:14 PM (#2707567)

It's not butter.

52. WillYoung Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:18 PM (#2707570)

No one kills Prince Humperdink.

53. Benji Gil Gamesh is not being paid to be that guy Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:22 PM (#2707578)

Ray was easing his own pain.

An unexpected penis caused Stephen Rea's pain.

54. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:26 PM (#2707582)

"It's not butter."

I can't believe it!

55. Shooty: Applying to be Fearless Leader

Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:31 PM (#2707588)

Steven will turn out to be the most annoying Baldwin!

56. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:33 PM (#2707590)

Charlton Heston has been on earth the whole time

57. Benji Gil Gamesh is not being paid to be that guy Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:36 PM (#2707593)

Quaid was/wasn't formerly Howser.

58. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:38 PM (#2707598)

Charlton Heston has been on earth the whole time

by which, of course, I mean "The Ten Commandments"

59. Arva Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:40 PM (#2707600)

Harold and Kumar make it to White Castle

60. Guapo Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:45 PM (#2707603)

The nerds take their revenge

61. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:48 PM (#2707606)

no matter how long they wait, Godot never...

(forget it)

62. Harmon "Thread Killer" Microbrew Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:49 PM (#2707608)

Finkel is Einhorn. Einhorn is Finkel.

63. rLr Is King Of The Romans And Above Grammar Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:51 PM (#2707612)

Silas gets his grades up enough to stay at Harvard. Jamal doesn't, but he doesn't really care.

64. bunyon Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:51 PM (#2707613)

Soylent Green is people.

I miss Scribbly.

65. Benji Gil Gamesh is not being paid to be that guy Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:55 PM (#2707620)

Newhart had the strangest dream.

66. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 08:56 PM (#2707622)

mother wasn't..(what is the phrase)... wasn't quite herself that day

67. Dag Nabbit apealing [sic] his own check swing Posted: March 06, 2008 at 09:02 PM (#2707625)

Captain Louis Renault is shocked - shocked - to discover gambling went on at Rick's.

But he rounded up the ususal suspects after Rick shot the Nazis, so it's all cool.

68. Dag Nabbit apealing [sic] his own check swing Posted: March 06, 2008 at 09:07 PM (#2707630)

They all die at the Alamo.

Humans foil plan #9 from outer space.

The Titanic sinks.

Rambo kills everyone who gets in his way.

Rocky loses the big fight at the end.

69. RB in NYC (Now with New iPhone!) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 09:44 PM (#2707659)

I've mentioned this before and RB in NYC has had the same prof,

I should mention that there is an excellent chance this professor is totally out of his mind. Of course, he is also hands down one of the best profs at the school, and it is possible he's right, so I don't know what to think.

70. John Lynch Posted: March 06, 2008 at 09:51 PM (#2707665)

Aerosmith plays the concert.

71. Francoeur Sans Gages (AlouGoodbye) Posted: March 06, 2008 at 10:01 PM (#2707675)

Archduke Franz Ferdinand was found alive and well 4 years later.

72. rLr Is King Of The Romans And Above Grammar Posted: March 06, 2008 at 10:03 PM (#2707679)

The denizens of the Pit get to say, Garcia-Thompson is forced out, and the pre-frosh get the girl.

73. vortex of dissipation Posted: March 06, 2008 at 10:05 PM (#2707684)

Laura and Alec never consummate their relationship.

74. Whaddaya think of that, John Moore? Posted: March 06, 2008 at 10:17 PM (#2707690)

I know! The elevator door opens, and inside are Larry, Darryl and Darryl.

Oh, you mean the *other* Newhart finale.

75. Red Menace Posted: March 06, 2008 at 10:42 PM (#2707715)

Mikey's marble bag is filled with jewels. Chunk invites Sloth to live with him.

76. Ned Garvin: Male Prostitute Posted: March 06, 2008 at 11:47 PM (#2707749)

Lone Starr's medallion says that he is a prince.

77. Lujack Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:03 AM (#2707755)

Bunny kidnapped herself.

78. Gambling Rent Czar Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:04 AM (#2707756)

the tanker truck is filled with sand.

79. Voros McCracken, Human Shield Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:20 AM (#2707761)

The Chevy Malibu is a UFO, time machine and neutron bomb.

80. TVerik Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:23 AM (#2707762)

After refusing to listen to the naysayers, Rudy Giuliani won Florida and then dramatically became the Republican nominee for President.

81. pv nasby Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:25 AM (#2707763)

Leland is Bob.

82. Francoeur Sans Gages (AlouGoodbye) Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:27 AM (#2707764)

The purpose Plan 9 was trying to stop humans getting solarbonite.

83. Crispix Attacks Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:28 AM (#2707765)

DALBY IS A DOUBLE AGENT

ALL THE PEOPLE AT THE MOTEL ARE ALTERNATE PERSONALITIES OF THE CRAZY GUY AND YOU WILL PUNCH YOURSELF IN THE FACE FOR HAVING YOUR TIME WASTED SO NONSENSICALLY

GENE HACKMAN IS DOUBLE-CROSSING DANNY DEVITO WHO IS DOUBLE-CROSSING SAM ROCKWELL WHO IS ALSO BEING DOUBLE-CROSSED BY GENE HACKMAN AND HIS GIRLFRIEND IS IN ON EVERYTHING, OR SOME CRAP LIKE THAT, IT MAKES NO SENSE, BUT ANYWAY, THE GOLD BARS ARE HIDDEN IN HIS TRUCK.

84. Klutts! Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:28 AM (#2707766)

FNM and FRE paper are not backed by the government after all. Oops, wrong thread.

85. Crispix Attacks Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:29 AM (#2707767)

Frohwirth is Eichhorn. Eichhorn is Frohwirth.

86. Voros McCracken, Human Shield Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:39 AM (#2707769)

Roy Hobbs homers to win the game.

Roy Hobbs strikes out to lose the game.

87. Teufel's Graveyard Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:51 AM (#2707772)

Marcellus's soul is in the briefcase.

88. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:53 AM (#2707774)

Vic kills and cooks Quilla June to keep Blood from dying of starvation.

Barbara gets eaten by her brother, and Ben successfully hides in the cellar, but is accidentally shot by a posse when he emerges the next day.

There's something about a baby floating in space; it probably makes more sense if you take a lot of drugs.

89. RobertMachemer Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:53 AM (#2707775)

With the Argo helpless after its fight with the Comet Empire, Trelaina of Telezart appears; having saved Mark Venture's life, she singlehandedly destroys Prince Zordar's ship before it can destroy the Earth.

90. Famous Original Joe C Posted: March 07, 2008 at 12:53 AM (#2707776)

Frohwirth is Eichhorn. Eichhorn is Frohwirth.

!!

91. Nasty Nate Posted: March 07, 2008 at 01:06 AM (#2707784)

they just sit there eating onion rings

this time, donnie gets killed by the jet engine

he loves weed, but not as much as he loves pu&$#y

clementine and joel start over again

92. sardonic Posted: March 07, 2008 at 01:10 AM (#2707785)

Jesse misses his flight.

The random cop turns out to be a mole too and kills Tony Leung, but Andy Lau avenges him and posthumously clears his name.

93. Nasty Nate Posted: March 07, 2008 at 01:17 AM (#2707789)

the killers were the deaf kid and his friend

94. Delorians Posted: March 07, 2008 at 01:19 AM (#2707792)

Kevin Spacey is Keyser Soze

95. Francoeur Sans Gages (AlouGoodbye) Posted: March 07, 2008 at 01:46 AM (#2707804)

Jesse misses his flight.

Oh, good call.

Mike's girlfriend finally calls him, but he's moved on.

96. Don't want the truth; just wanna see some dingers Posted: March 07, 2008 at 03:25 PM (#2708020)

Kathy Bates broke James Caan's legs, not the car crash.

97. Win one for Agrippa (haplo53) Posted: March 07, 2008 at 03:27 PM (#2708021)

The purpose Plan 9 was trying to stop humans getting solarbonite.

haha

98. Win one for Agrippa (haplo53) Posted: March 07, 2008 at 03:32 PM (#2708026)

I always thought that the rich-boy Ivy League schools had eating clubs, not frat houses. Dartmouth doesn't count.

Penn has a huge Greek system. Though it's less "rich boy" Ivy League than "piss off Derek Jeter and the New York Post" Ivy League.

Which is a lot better.

99. Mac T Posted: March 07, 2008 at 11:14 PM (#2708392)

Garfamudis revealed!

100. Gonfalon Bubble Posted: March 07, 2008 at 11:49 PM (#2708422)

The murder didn't actually take place on the Orient Express, but rather, on the local.

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