ESPN: Hunter S. Thompson: Baseball Has Become Unruly

With David Foster Wallace’s death and all…I thought I’d drag out some bad ol’ HST.

Hi, folks. My name is Thompson, and I don’t have much space for this high-speed presentation, so let’s get started and see how tight we can make it. My job is to devise a whole new set of rules and concepts to shorten the time it takes to play a game of Major League BASEBALL, or any other kind.

Everybody agrees that Baseball games Must be shortened, but nobody is really Working on it. ... And meanwhile, the games get longer and longer. The good old “meat in the seats” argument won’t work after midnight, when the seats are mainly Empty, and TV networks get nasty when they start having to refund money to advertisers when the ratings sink lower and lower. Pro wrestling and golf are bigger draws than baseball games. ... I have not been to a live baseball game in 20 years, and I hope I Never see another one. Not even the New Rules would drag me back to the Ballpark—but I am a Doctor of Wisdom, a professional man, and some of my friends in the Business have asked me to have a look at this problem, which I have, and this is my solution, for good or ill.

I am keenly aware of the angst and bitter squabbling that will erupt when somebody tries to screw with the National Pastime. ... But it must be done, and if I don’t do it somebody else will. So here’s the plan.