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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Federal marshals unable to find, serve Knoblauch with subpoena

Natch, much like his throws…he probably went over the wall.

Former major leaguer Chuck Knoblauch had not been tracked down as of early Wednesday evening by federal marshals trying to serve him a subpoena from a House panel investigating steroids in baseball, a committee staffer told The Associated Press.

The person spoke on condition of anonymity because staffers were not authorized to make public comments on the matter.

Knoblauch, a four-time All-Star who played for the Yankees, Twins and Royals from 1991-02, originally was asked to appear Thursday for what was supposed to be the first of five depositions or transcribed interviews scheduled by the House Oversight and Government Reform Committee.

Repoz Posted: January 24, 2008 at 01:57 PM | 58 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
Tags: special topics, steroids

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1. Matt Waters Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:11 PM (#2675260)

Our tax dollars at work.

2. Gonfalon Bubble Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:15 PM (#2675261)

America's greatest enemies remain at large. First Osama bin Laden, now this.

3. ?Donde esta Dagoberto Campaneris? Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:15 PM (#2675262)

Is actively avoiding efforts by the Congress to serve you with a subpoena a crime? Not that I have any idea whether thats what he is up to.

4. The Kids Are Enright (1k5v3L)

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:26 PM (#2675266)

Send Tommy Lee Jones to find him.

5. WillYoung Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:29 PM (#2675268)

Have they looked at 415 East 71st Street?

6. Repoz

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:37 PM (#2675272)

Have they checked inside the rolled-up bloody rug in Olbermann's trunk?

7. Chris Needham Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:37 PM (#2675273)

They've been having lots of problems with this lately. There was a hearing late last month where they couldn't find the guy to subpoena.

Maybe we need to have a hearing on that?

8. Chris Needham Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:38 PM (#2675274)

Have they checked inside the rolled-up bloody rug in Olbermann's trunk?

That's Bill O'Reilly.

9. Hack Wilson Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:40 PM (#2675275)

Have they checked inside the rolled-up bloody rug in Olbermann's trunk?

That's Bill O'Reilly.

Without Bill O'Reilly Olbermann's show would be 10 minutes long-they need each other.

10. Chris Needham Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:43 PM (#2675277)

I dunno. There are tons of simian clips on the net that he hasn't yet used.

11. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:46 PM (#2675278)

12. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:47 PM (#2675279)

"they need each other"

Any self-righteous blowhard could do Bill O'Reilly's job. Strike him down, and a thousand more will appear to take his place.

13. Chris Needham Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:50 PM (#2675283)

Any self-righteous blowhard could do Bill O'Reilly's job. Strike him down, and a thousand more will appear to take his place.

It's too bad so many of the Primates are left-wing. They'd be perfect for that part of the job!

14. The Kids Are Enright (1k5v3L)

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:51 PM (#2675284)

Have they looked at 415 East 71st Street?

I actually checked out that purported address once; it's b/w 1st Ave and York ave, and not b/w York ave and the East River. Thus, that last famous jump would've resulted in a splat on the sidewalk--but I'm sure plenty of Cornell med students would've rushed to perform CPR.

15. Hack Wilson Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:53 PM (#2675286)

I believe Chuck is on the planet Endor where he is considered a god:

Knob lock, eee chop Knob lock;
Ah toe meet toe peechee keene,
G'noop dock fling oh ah.
Yahwah, eee chop yahwah;
Ah toe meet toe peechee keene,
G'noop dock fling oh ah.
Coatee chah tu Knob lock

16. Bernal Diaz has an angel on his shoulder. Posted: January 24, 2008 at 02:59 PM (#2675292)

Without Bill O'Reilly Olbermann's show would be 10 minutes long-they need each other.

You are incorrect.

Hi Keith.

17. AROM Posted: January 24, 2008 at 03:01 PM (#2675293)

Is actively avoiding efforts by the Congress to serve you with a subpoena a crime?

Nope.

Federal Marshalls working for congress may be better than your average sheriff, but this is one case where private investigators can be very creative in finding people. Sheriffs get a salary whether they find him or not. If a private investigator turns up empty, all he gets is a hefty gas bill for all the driving he did.

I tried that job about 12-13 years ago. It was fun but I don't know if the payment has risen enough to make it worthwhile on $3 gas.

18. Guapo Posted: January 24, 2008 at 03:04 PM (#2675294)

I gotta get me some of those invisibility steroids.

19. RB in NYC (Now with New iPhone!) Posted: January 24, 2008 at 03:18 PM (#2675304)

Have they looked at 415 East 71st Street?

On first blush, I thought this some kind of Cory Lidle joke. That probably makes me a terrible person.

20. Traderdave

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 03:30 PM (#2675308)

I'll bite.

What's the significance of that address?

21. Joe Bivens, Idiot Posted: January 24, 2008 at 03:37 PM (#2675313)

Run, Chuck, run!!

22. Bernal Diaz has an angel on his shoulder. Posted: January 24, 2008 at 03:41 PM (#2675314)

It it the HQ for Treadstone.

23. Hack Wilson Posted: January 24, 2008 at 03:43 PM (#2675317)

The Truth About Real Estate in The Bourne Ultimatum

Link

24. Designated Sitter (GGC) Posted: January 24, 2008 at 03:52 PM (#2675322)

I have to watch those movies to follow Primer now? It gets more complicated every day.

25. WhoWantsTeixeiraDessert Posted: January 24, 2008 at 04:10 PM (#2675336)

It's never just one building for wankers like him, it's a whole knob block.

26. Win one for Agrippa (haplo53) Posted: January 24, 2008 at 04:24 PM (#2675338)

Have they checked every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area?

27. Loren F. Posted: January 24, 2008 at 04:24 PM (#2675339)

He's obviously hanging out with D.B. Cooper.

I have to watch those movies to follow Primer now? It gets more complicated every day.

And you thought you could skate by on 'Star Wars' and 'The Simpsons' references? Good luck. At least one doesn't need to watch the current 'Saturday Night Live'.

28. A triple short of the cycle

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 04:30 PM (#2675346)

Harriet Myers and Josh Bolton ignored Congressional subpoenas to testify in the U.S. attorneys-firing case. The Knoblauch situation is much more important, however. Bring in the hounds!

29. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: January 24, 2008 at 04:38 PM (#2675351)

Back in the day, Howard Hughes used to use impersonators to dodge subpoenas, during his TWA divestment. Wonder whether there are similar counterfeit Knoblauchs out on the prowl right now...

30. Charles S., consistent since he changed his mind Posted: January 24, 2008 at 04:46 PM (#2675354)

counterfeit Knoblauchs

Are Steve Sax, Mark Wohlers and Mackey Sasser looking for work?

31. Designated Sitter (GGC) Posted: January 24, 2008 at 04:51 PM (#2675358)

When did Knoblauch join the Dodgers? I missed that TO.

32. The cushions are crowded for Edmundo

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 04:52 PM (#2675359)

Counterfeit Knoblauchs

That's the name for Gammons' next band

33. Paul The Paranoid Android Posted: January 24, 2008 at 04:55 PM (#2675364)

Where In The World Is (dropping an octave) Chuck Knob-lauch?

Great, now I'm going to have that stupid Carmen Sandiego song stuck in my head all day.

34. Crispix Attacks Posted: January 24, 2008 at 05:19 PM (#2675376)

A reclusive tycoon offers three gangsters fresh out of Alcatraz $1 million to fetch Chuck Knoblauch....dead or alive!

But beware, his trademark moustache hides a scar that gives him a permanent sneer. If the man you bring back turns out to be one of Knoblauch's doubles, we can tell just by shaving his face.

35. Dingbat_Charlie

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 05:20 PM (#2675377)

Great, now I'm going to have that stupid Carmen Sandiego song stuck in my head all day.

this should drive it out.

36. Chris Hansen, NBC Dateline Posted: January 24, 2008 at 05:26 PM (#2675387)

Have they checked every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area?

Maybe the marshals should camp out at Jim Abbott's house.

37. Crispix Attacks Posted: January 24, 2008 at 05:28 PM (#2675389)

General Petraeus, the commander of Operation Blass Radius, insists that we need at least six months before we can say whether the search for Knoblauch was a success.

38. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: January 24, 2008 at 05:36 PM (#2675398)

"this should drive it out."

Send an earworm to catch an earworm.

39. Lujack Posted: January 24, 2008 at 05:41 PM (#2675400)

You'd think the garlic smell would give him away...

40. Crispix Attacks Posted: January 24, 2008 at 05:44 PM (#2675402)

Knoblauch's latest video appears to have been filmed in the more mountainous regions of Baluchistan, although experts are being consulted to see if green-screen technology was used. It is not disputed that Knoblauch was the man in the video.

41. The cushions are crowded for Edmundo

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 05:49 PM (#2675405)

There was a fuzzy picture on the Today Show this morning, alleging it was an alien. It was on in the gym, I don't seek that show out. :) Maybe it was out boy in disguise.

42. Boots Day Posted: January 24, 2008 at 05:52 PM (#2675408)

Have they looked at Yankee Stadium? He may still be standing there pointing at first base.

43. Eraser-X is emphatically dominating teh site!!! Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:01 PM (#2675415)

Did they check every pancake house?

44. Hack Wilson Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:06 PM (#2675419)

Send Tommy Lee Jones to find him.

Unfortunately, if Chuck jumped off the top of a dam he would likely miss the water.

45. Jolly Old St. Neck Wound, Moral Idiot

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:06 PM (#2675422)

Well, there goes Knobby's HoF chances....

46. Hurdle's Heroes (SuperBaes) Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:09 PM (#2675425)

There needs to be a thread like this every day, just for kicks. Primates are HILARIOUS when they're all united against a common foe.

47. Esoteric Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:23 PM (#2675440)

#11 - Vlad:

During a tense standoff, gunfire erupted as federal marshalls attempted to serve Knoblauch with the subpoena. The shots from Knoblauch's home missed their intended target, however, spraying wildly into the surrounding crowd that had gathered to observe the proceedings.

This didn't get the laughs it deserved.

48. retro-shiite Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:23 PM (#2675441)

I gotta get me some of those invisibility steroids.

Or one of those scramble suits from "A Scanner Darkly."

49. aleskel

Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:34 PM (#2675453)

Chuck Knoblauch sometimes turns suddenly to see if anyone's behind him. We call it "Crazy Ivan Rodriguez." The only thing you can do is go dead. Shut everything down and make like a hole in the water.

50. Crispix Attacks Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:35 PM (#2675454)

During a tense standoff, gunfire erupted as federal marshalls attempted to serve Knoblauch with the subpoena. The shots from Knoblauch's home missed their intended target, however, spraying wildly into the surrounding crowd that had gathered to observe the proceedings.

Knoblauch is now being accused by the corporate/liberal media of using his own children as human shields, pawns in his war of propaganda against the government. G. Gordon Liddy has vowed to assemble a strike force of militia members to combat any further assaults on Knoblauch's property.

51. standuptriple Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:55 PM (#2675465)

They should check the basement of the idiot who voted for him for the HOF. #1 Fan? I'm thinking a Kathy Bates-esque character might have hobbled him already.

52. Voros McCracken, Human Shield Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:58 PM (#2675468)

I think I've found him

53. baseball fanatic Posted: January 24, 2008 at 06:58 PM (#2675469)

Have they checked inside the rolled-up bloody rug in Olbermann's trunk?

That's Bill O'Reilly.

His rotting, bloated corpse would still draw more viewers than Olbermann would.

54. alskor Posted: January 24, 2008 at 07:24 PM (#2675487)

I just hope Keith Olbermann's mom has been put in protective custody as a precautionary measure.

55. Gonfalon Bubble Posted: January 25, 2008 at 04:17 AM (#2675792)

#52: I think I've found him

The hair's a little longer these days, but Chuck's the one throwing the beachball over the other person's head, right?

56. Zach Posted: January 25, 2008 at 04:26 AM (#2675795)

Primey for #55!

57. Pint of blood = Quart of Scotch Posted: January 25, 2008 at 05:40 AM (#2675811)

Its beyond me how folks who post on a relatively esoteric site like this, which generally provides thoughtful analysis and deconstruction of baseball articles, could simultaneously be so completely out of touch with politics or the main stream news media to actually give much credence to either Olbermann or O'Reilly. Although Keith is generally much more acceptable than O'Reilly, they both suck so bad it hurts my cheeks to watch them for any extended period of time. We need fewer Herk Robinsons on the tube and in the papers and more Beane and Dombrowski. Moneyball + Krugman - Talking Points Memo / Daily Howler = Baseball Prospectus x Baseball Primer = some semblance of the truth and 90 wins, just as Jim Jarmusch + John Sayles divided by Ken Loach, x Howard Hawks is greater than John Ford plus Steve Speilberg x 10, or, more accurately, Tom Waits is greater than anyone, and Cormac McCarthy = Derek Jeter, while Denis Johnson = Albert Pujols, and The Wire is calculus and The Sopranos is algebra.

58. McCoy Posted: January 25, 2008 at 05:43 AM (#2675816)

Off to the right below the pontoon boat you can see some of Radomski's clients. If you look near the center left above the Kruk family jamboree you can see Palmeiro and apparently he took his viagra.

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Thursday, January 24, 2008

Federal marshals unable to find, serve Knoblauch with subpoena

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