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Friday, July 16, 2010

Fornelli: Russell Branyan’s Toe Attacked By Hotel Room Table

He got toe-jam baseball, of course.

Russell Branyan had a moment like that early Thursday morning. Branyan, who was just re-acquired by the Seattle Mariners in a trade a few weeks ago, was left out of the Mariners lineup on Thursday night because of a bad toe. A toe that was allegedly the victim of a vicious attack from a hotel room table.

According to his manager, Don Wakamatsu, Branyan went to close the curtains in his hotel room at 5 a.m. this morning when the table unleashed its attack. The table toppled over and landed on Branyan’s toe, cutting it and bruising it before making off with Branyan’s wallet.

Or more likely until Branyan said a naughty word, hopped around for a second and picked the table back up.

Now I don’t want to call shenanigans on this story without knowing any more than what Wakamatsu is telling us, but I don’t think the whole tale is being told here. I’ve been in a lot of hotel rooms in my life, and I have yet to find many tables in them that just fall over without some provocation.

Repoz Posted: July 16, 2010 at 10:17 AM | 37 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: mariners

Reader Comments and Retorts

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   1. The Essex Snead Posted: July 16, 2010 at 01:00 PM (#3591206)
Clearly Branyan was having sex with the table, and it took offense to his dirty talk.
   2. Levi Stahl Posted: July 16, 2010 at 01:28 PM (#3591215)
He was standing on the table in order to wash his truck, and Jeff Kent stepped on his toe.
   3. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: July 16, 2010 at 01:31 PM (#3591217)
Spiders tipped it over onto his toe while they were looking for deer meat
   4. Lassus Posted: July 16, 2010 at 01:41 PM (#3591222)
No, the table was washing Branyan's truck.
   5. Jeff R., P***y Mainlander Posted: July 16, 2010 at 01:47 PM (#3591224)
He was standing on the table in order to wash his truck, and Jeff Kent stepped on his toe.


Only because Kent was pushed into him by Wade Boggs, who stumbled while drunkenly taking off his cowboy boots.
   6. Shooty Survived the Shutdown of '14! Posted: July 16, 2010 at 01:48 PM (#3591225)
Branyan should set the hotel on fire, but first that table will blow him.
   7. hokieneer Posted: July 16, 2010 at 01:48 PM (#3591226)
regardless of the table and its motivations, nothing good was going on if he was closing the shades in his hotel room at 5 AM.
   8. Dale Sams Posted: July 16, 2010 at 01:52 PM (#3591231)
Was his room number 1408?
   9. Good cripple hitter Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:02 PM (#3591233)
The good news is that the Mariners have been through this situation before, with Kaz Sasaki's suitcase injury. By the end of the weekend, Branyan will have been sold to the Carp, and the problem will be solved.
   10. BDC Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:09 PM (#3591238)
I can't believe you people are getting cheap laughs from furniture battery. I am still in therapy as a result of a 1982 attack by a coffee table. If more folks would come out about such trauma, it would spare the world your callous remarks.
   11. snapper (history's 42nd greatest monster) Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:11 PM (#3591240)
regardless of the table and its motivations, nothing good was going on if he was closing the shades in his hotel room at 5 AM.

Well, to give him the benefit of the doubt, the sun might have been coming up (no idea when sun-rise is in Seattle this time of year).
   12. McCoy Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:20 PM (#3591244)
I believe it happened in LA.
   13. rfloh Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:20 PM (#3591245)
4. Lassus Posted: July 16, 2010 at 09:41 AM (#3591222)
No, the table was washing Branyan's truck.


Is this what kids nowadays are calling it? "Washing" your "truck"?
   14. Gonfalon B. Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:21 PM (#3591246)
This could have turned out much worse for Branyan. Kobe Bryant was having consensual intercourse with his hotel room table when he slipped and fell onto the woman.
   15. hokieneer Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:27 PM (#3591250)
This could have turned out much worse for Branyan. Kobe Bryant was having consensual intercourse with his hotel room table when he slipped and fell onto the woman.

Clearly we can deduce that Branyan is more athletic and coordinated than Kobe then.
   16. Dale Sams Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:30 PM (#3591253)
I am still in therapy as a result of a 1982 attack by a coffee table.


You had it coming. Look how you were dressed.
   17. Shooty Survived the Shutdown of '14! Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:40 PM (#3591261)
You had it coming. Look how you were dressed.

He must have been wearing this. And nothing else!
   18. snapper (history's 42nd greatest monster) Posted: July 16, 2010 at 02:46 PM (#3591267)
I believe it happened in LA.

OK. Sun-rise in LA was 5:54 AM. No help for Mr. Branyan.
   19. BrianBrianson Posted: July 16, 2010 at 03:15 PM (#3591289)
I certainly hope the table's benches get taken away!
   20. Who Swished In Your Cornflakes? Posted: July 16, 2010 at 03:40 PM (#3591316)
Hey, hotel rooms can be dangerous. No, really!

When I was little I wanted to read before going to bed during an overnight stay at a hotel while vacationing in North Carolina. Being the strapping young lad that I was, I tried to carry the hotel's floor lamp about 5 feet towards my bed. I set it down rather unsteadily, right onto my right foot's big toe. Suddenly there was blood everywhere and my parents were rushing to take me to a hospital in the middle of the night. Ended up with three stitches. They said the cut almost got down to the bone. Turns out the underside of the floor lamp was razor-sharp.
   21. hokieneer Posted: July 16, 2010 at 03:44 PM (#3591321)
Turns out the underside of the floor lamp was razor-sharp.

Probably where the last patron hid the razor blade he used to bust up coke.
   22. The importance of being Ernest Riles Posted: July 16, 2010 at 04:33 PM (#3591359)
It was an ironing table.
   23. Steve Phillips' Hot Cougar (DrStankus) Posted: July 16, 2010 at 04:58 PM (#3591387)
You had it coming. Look how you were dressed.


If you get raped by a pack of T-words it'll be all your fault.
   24. BDC Posted: July 16, 2010 at 05:19 PM (#3591412)
William Holden was actually killed by a table. How many more people are going to have to die?
   25. hokieneer Posted: July 16, 2010 at 05:28 PM (#3591421)
I've about taken an axe to my coffee table numerous times. It has sharp corners and they are at the perfect height for the hollow of my knee. One of these days it's going to mess with me when I'm in the wrong mood, and I'm going to Paul Bunyan it.
   26. Dr. Vaux Posted: July 16, 2010 at 05:37 PM (#3591428)
William Holden was actually killed by a tableHow many more people are going to have to die? 


So was Harry Caray, wasn't he?
   27. vortex of dissipation Posted: July 16, 2010 at 06:28 PM (#3591469)
Omar Vizquel was hit in three straight at bats by a table.
   28. Athletic Supporter can feel the slow rot Posted: July 16, 2010 at 06:51 PM (#3591489)
Well played, #27.
   29. Misirlou is on hiding to nowhere Posted: July 16, 2010 at 06:51 PM (#3591490)
William Holden was actually killed by a table. How many more people are going to have to die?


I thought Bob Crane was also, but no, he was murdered with a blunt object (table leg?).

Anyway, I was just reading about him on Wiki, and got side tracted reading about the other actors on the show and discovered this little nugget. Werner Klemperer, John Banner, and Leon Askin, the actors who portrayed Col Klink, Sgt Schultz, and General Burkhalter, were all German or Austrian Jews who fled the Nazi's at the start of the war, and all served in the US Army.
   30. Zipperholes Posted: July 16, 2010 at 06:57 PM (#3591499)
Glenallen Hill isn't impressed.
   31. rlc Posted: July 16, 2010 at 09:57 PM (#3591684)
I am still in therapy as a result of a 1982 attack by a coffee table.


It took the Serbs centuries to get over being invaded by Ottomans.
   32. Cris E Posted: July 16, 2010 at 10:15 PM (#3591690)
Anyway, I was just reading about him on Wiki, and got side tracted reading about the other actors on the show and discovered this little nugget. Werner Klemperer, John Banner, and Leon Askin, the actors who portrayed Col Klink, Sgt Schultz, and General Burkhalter, were all German or Austrian Jews who fled the Nazi's at the start of the war, and all served in the US Army.

When Hogan's Heroes comes up I like to bring forward the following nugget.

Bing Crosby's Hollywood Palace - Christmas 1965 Episode featuring Hogan's Heroes The actual video of the singing is also out on youtube somewhere. The gang was actually more talented in that regard than on the show that made them famous.

EDIT: The intros and the singing.
   33. Misirlou is on hiding to nowhere Posted: July 16, 2010 at 10:38 PM (#3591700)
The gang was actually more talented in that regard than on the show that made them famous.


Bob Crane supposedly did the drum work in he show's opening credits.
   34. Willie Mayspedes Posted: July 16, 2010 at 10:38 PM (#3591701)
Better than dislocating your arm reaching for the alarm clock.
   35. Josh1 Posted: July 16, 2010 at 10:55 PM (#3591709)
Clarence Blethen bit himself in the butt (sliding with false teeth in his pocket). Steve Sparks couldn't rip the phonebook. Fat Freddie Fitzsimmons and the rocking chair injury. Flint Rhem was kidnapped by gamblers and forced to drink bootleg whiskey. Henry Cotto's Q-Tip of death. Bret Barberie and chili sauce in the eye. Vince Coleman and the tarp. Smoltz ironing his chest.
   36. bobm Posted: July 16, 2010 at 11:11 PM (#3591722)
Sammy Sosa's sneeze
   37. jwb Posted: July 16, 2010 at 11:29 PM (#3591735)
Mat Latos is not to be outdone!

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