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Monday, July 15, 2013

Dirk Hayhurst: Go [Expletive Deleted] Yourself, All-Star Game.

Hayhurst at his worst (re: best).

A minor league all-star game is about as useful as wings on a bowling ball. It’d be a different story if going to the all-star game put you on the fast track for a promotion, but I knew from experience that wasn’t the case. I’d already been through the minor league all-star experience once before and it was a complete and utter disaster that yielded nothing but frustration and regret.

The year was 2004 and I was playing for the now defunct Fort Wayne Wizards. I legitimately made the all-star team as a first ballot member and was told, because I was one of the standout starters in the league at the time, I would actually get to pitch in the game.

The trouble was Fort Wayne was a three-hour drive from my home in Canton, Ohio. I could easily head home for the break and unplug from baseball, play video games, visit friends and fight with my family — the good stuff.

But just when I summoned the nerve to opt out, I was back-roomed by management and told of how the all-star game was a great opportunity, a real feather in my cap and that I should be honoured. Also, there was this line about how, if I didn’t go, there would be consequences.

...He threw his hands up and told me he respected my inner competitor. Then he promptly went into the bathroom and projectile vomited.

I heard him hurl vividly for two reasons: first, he was a big man and really got into it. Second, he left the bathroom door open.

Also worthy of note: he puked in the bathtub, not the toilet. The tub is a much bigger target than a toilet, I get that, but what I couldn’t understand is why he tried to wash it down the drain without first opening the stop that keeps the drain closed.

Minutes after the water starting running, the tub started to fill and the thick, heavy, putrid scent of steaming vomit began to pour into the room.

Repoz Posted: July 15, 2013 at 06:06 PM | 33 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: all-stars, history, projectile vomiting

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   1. lonestarball Posted: July 15, 2013 at 10:05 PM (#4495350)
It looks like the shortstop he was vexed with was Brendan Ryan.

http://www.oursportscentral.com/services/releases/?id=3050956
   2. Sleepy supports unauthorized rambling Posted: July 15, 2013 at 11:04 PM (#4495401)
It looks like the shortstop he was vexed with was Brendan Ryan.


Did he edit the article, or am I missing where he talked about being vexed with a SS?

Anyway, I love this guy's articles. Thanks for posting, as I never would have heard of him if it wasn't for the linkage.
   3. morineko Posted: July 15, 2013 at 11:22 PM (#4495411)
Considering how many front office women there were at the ball park, how many front office women are undercover cleat chasers and how many of those women were throwing around the word “networking” like it was something you did at a minor-league beer party, maybe my new roommate was a blessing in disguise?


On one hand, any workplace with a load of under-25s has a lot of sexual activity between said under-25s--the odds are good, and there are a load of goods, especially if the hours are long and the socialization involves mostly co-workers--in any industry; on the other hand, wow, that's some low-level "women don't belong around the game" subtextual BS going on there.
   4. SoSH U at work Posted: July 15, 2013 at 11:23 PM (#4495412)
Did he edit the article, or am I missing where he talked about being vexed with a SS?


Just this:

The great baseball men always say that if you absolutely have to play a game, you might as well win. Yeah, well … screw them. Someone has to lose, even in the all-star game and that was me, thanks in no small degree to the hungover shortstop that had a very productive night out before the game.

I generally like Dirk's work, but this struck me as way too whiny. So you didn't have the best time when you were chosen to play in a professional baseball all-star game? My shallowest sympathies.
   5. Athletic Supporter can feel the slow rot Posted: July 16, 2013 at 12:00 AM (#4495435)
A minor league all-star game is about as useful as wings on a bowling ball.


That actually seems like it would be incredibly useful. A flying bowling ball would make for a hell of a fun sport.
   6. Esoteric Posted: July 16, 2013 at 12:03 AM (#4495436)
A flying bowling ball would make for a hell of a fun sport.
Or weapon!
   7. greenback calls it soccer Posted: July 16, 2013 at 12:15 AM (#4495442)
So you didn't have the best time when you were chosen to play in a professional baseball all-star game?

Players get maybe one benefit from minor league ASGs (free booze) and there are real costs. Well, Anthony Monegan can say he was a minor league all star (at A-ball at the age of 24) the year before he was released. Anyway Hayhurst makes a pretty good argument that these dumb things should be disbanded, because it's unlikely the major league teams are getting anything from this either. The whole thing is stupid, even without the fat guy vomiting into the bath tub.

I eagerly await a follow-up about minor league playoffs, especially at the AAA level, that go well into September.
   8. Sleepy supports unauthorized rambling Posted: July 16, 2013 at 12:36 AM (#4495453)
Just this:


Oh, thanks. I remember reading that line. Guess maybe my Home Run Derby was a bit too productive...

That actually seems like it would be incredibly useful. A flying bowling ball would make for a hell of a fun sport.

My favorite version of bowling involves an arbitrary "scratch speed". That is, you play at an alley which has a radar detector installed, and unless the ball is "rolled" faster than x mph, it's an automatic scratch. Set it at 22, 23, 24, etc, and have 22, 23, 24 year old guys play, while drinking a lot of beer, and the results are awesome.

Sadly it's been a while since I could hit 25 on a bowling ball roll. But there was a time in which I could have been a speedbowling all star.
   9. McCoy Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:09 AM (#4495463)
on the other hand, wow, that's some low-level "women don't belong around the game" subtextual BS going on there.

Well, in the mid-90's there was no way in hell a female was getting anywhere near the top echelons of baseball and I gotta think most of them knew it and that wasn't their main goal when choosing to work in some minor league outpost.
   10. Bhaakon Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:34 AM (#4495467)
on the other hand, wow, that's some low-level "women don't belong around the game" subtextual BS going on there.


To be fair, he seems to think everyone in minor league baseball is an uncontrollable, drunken horn dog and a idiot.
   11. Fancy Pants Handles lap changes with class Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:40 AM (#4495469)
Just Dick being dick.
   12. John Northey Posted: July 16, 2013 at 07:38 AM (#4495510)
The minor league ASG's do seem to be a bit of a 'who cares' thing. Often guys who go aren't the best it seems, just guys who clubs want to see against top players from other clubs. There is no AL/NL thing (and even that is getting weaker each year) and I'd bet most minor league fans don't even notice that the ASG is happening. As a fan I check who made post-season all-star lists but not in-season ones. Mix in how in the minors you get few days off, travel in buses all the time, make very little (unless you are an early round pick), and the ASG is your one real break (probably the only time you get more than 1 day off in a row from April to September...imagine having that at your job) I could see why players see it as more of a punishment than reward. Mix in being stuck sharing a room with a 300 lbs fanboy who drank too much and I really could see why you'd want to avoid ASG's.
   13. Mike Emeigh Posted: July 16, 2013 at 08:25 AM (#4495512)
I'd bet most minor league fans don't even notice that the ASG is happening.


I've been to two minor league All-Star Games. Both were well-attended but the fans are generally no different from the fans at a typical minor league game; they care a great deal about seeing players from *their* team and really don't care that much about the game otherwise.

The best one that I remember was the Carolina/California league game in 2000 in Kinston. Kinston had one player on the team, Billy Munoz (a marginal at-best prospect), who came to bat in the ninth inning with a runner on and two out and the Carolina League down by a run. Had this been a regular-season game there was no question that Munoz would have been intentionally walked, but he was pitched to (naturally) and proceeded to hit a walk-off home run as Grainger Stadium went nuts.

-- MWE
   14. Jose Can Still Seabiscuit Posted: July 16, 2013 at 08:29 AM (#4495514)
Normally I like Hayhurst's stuff but this came across as just a bunch of whining. Yeah there are some legitimate complaints in there but mountains out of molehills in a lot of places I thought.
   15. You Know Nothing JT Snow (YR) Posted: July 16, 2013 at 08:43 AM (#4495517)
A flying bowling ball would make for a hell of a fun sport.


I think that sport would be quiddich.
   16. Rants Mulliniks Posted: July 16, 2013 at 09:29 AM (#4495535)
I thought this was hilarious. I'd whine too if this happened:

"But, almost as if he noticed me tuning him out, he rolled over supine and launched into that clogged, guttural, unholy snore that only the drunken and obese can produce."


   17. Der-K and the statistical werewolves. Posted: July 16, 2013 at 09:58 AM (#4495557)
not his best work, but I liked that line too.
   18. McCoy Posted: July 16, 2013 at 10:17 AM (#4495581)
Hey Dirk, it's the all star, write something about your experiences.

Ok

Whiny little bvtch.
   19. valuearbitrageur Posted: July 16, 2013 at 12:23 PM (#4495745)
Anyway Hayhurst makes a pretty good argument that these dumb things should be disbanded, because it's unlikely the major league teams are getting anything from this either. The whole thing is stupid, even without the fat guy vomiting into the bath tub.


Are we talking about minor league all star games or the MLB all star games? Oh, both! (fat guy being John Kruk and uselessness being shared).

Oh, and Dirk stop writing honestly about your life as a baseball player because it's causing widespread panty bunching here.

God forbid any of those people read that whiner Jim Bouton's books.
   20. SoSH U at work Posted: July 16, 2013 at 12:33 PM (#4495760)
My panties remain now, and forever, unbunched.

I didn't care for it, an opinion shared by a few others. Had I realized that offering critical comments on the quality of the posted material was no longer acceptable here at Primer, I surely would have refrained from his horrible breach of etiquette. But now, I will try my damnest to only provide positive, life-affirming commentary, best exemplified by the collected works of Posters 18 and 19.
   21. valuearbitrageur Posted: July 16, 2013 at 12:47 PM (#4495786)
I didn't care for it, an opinion shared by a few others. Had I realized that offering critical comments on the quality of the posted material was no longer acceptable here at Primer, I surely would have refrained from his horrible breach of etiquette. But now, I will try my damnest to only provide positive, life-affirming commentary, best exemplified by the collected works of Posters 18 and 19.


A simple FU would have been less cruel. OK, I will stop telling you to stop being honest about how you feel about others being honest about how they felt. Honest.
   22. McCoy Posted: July 16, 2013 at 12:50 PM (#4495790)
20 sounds likes he got his panties in a bunch.
   23. SoSH U at work Posted: July 16, 2013 at 12:52 PM (#4495793)
A simple FU would have been less cruel.


I considered it.

OK, I will stop telling you to stop being honest about how you feel about others being honest about how they felt. Honest.


As always, one man's honest complaint is another man's pathetic whining.
   24. Jose Can Still Seabiscuit Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:11 PM (#4495820)
God forbid any of those people read that whiner Jim Bouton's books.


"Ball Four" was wonderful. Many of Dirk Hayhurst's columns have been wonderful. This one was not and I and a few others noted that opinion. I think I've posted about how much I enjoyed some of his other pieces in the past.
   25. McCoy Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:17 PM (#4495832)
The complaint though, appears to be that Dirk is being Dirk about a subject you don't want Dirk to be Dirk about.
   26. Der-K and the statistical werewolves. Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:22 PM (#4495839)
Nope.
I've fine with his take on the subject - just didn't find the writing that compelling this time.
   27. McCoy Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:23 PM (#4495840)
AS for the subject of complaining/whining about supposedly doing something fun or privileged to I have numerous employee party stories as anecdotes as well.

Being in the restaurant business and being a chef meant that whenever we had our annual employee party I was to sit in the kitchen and cook for the rest of the staff. Thank you for that.

The topper though was last year when in my first month at my new job I was to organize and throw the annual company party at an off site place and, oh yeah, the day the event was to be held was my lone day off that week. I had to rent a truck and equipment, pick up the truck, load the truck, take it to the water park, setup the party, and then clean it all up and take it all back to the company. What a great party.
   28. SoSH U at work Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:32 PM (#4495850)
Is that my cue to complain about McCoy being McCoy about a subject I don't want McCoy to be McCoy about?
   29. Charlie O Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:41 PM (#4495864)
I've been to two minor league All-Star games. California League 1998 in Lancaster and Eastern League 2012 in Reading. I enjoyed both of them. I have to admit, I'd enjoy just about any game at Reading. I love that ballpark.
   30. Greg Franklin Posted: July 16, 2013 at 01:51 PM (#4495869)
I've been to two minor league All-Star games. California League 1998 in Lancaster and Eastern League 2012 in Reading. I enjoyed both of them. I have to admit, I'd enjoy just about any game at Reading. I love that ballpark.


As a fan, sure. As a selection, I can see where Dirk is coming from.

I think the point I got from Hayhurst is he didn't want to go to either minor-league ASG, but the first time the team "back-roomed" him with threats of lack of organizational advancement if he didn't go.

In his heart he knew he wouldn't enjoy it, envied Brendan Ryan the freedom to party on what is essentially a junket, and truthfully the break reads like a business trip from hell. The second time, he was older and smarter and just went home.
   31. Charlie O Posted: July 16, 2013 at 03:35 PM (#4495986)
I can appreciate Hayhurst's position, too but I think the games are more useful than a winged bowling ball.
   32. Rants Mulliniks Posted: July 16, 2013 at 03:49 PM (#4496016)
I don't think enough of us appreciate how hard it must be for literate, intelligent athletes who engage in critical thought to have to share locker rooms, buses, plans, etc. with a group that is mostly dumb jocks. I'm not saying that all smart people can't suffer fools, but its more difficult for them. Bouton and Hayhurst fit this category, as does Ken Dryden.
   33. PASTE Thinks This Trout Kid Might Be OK (Zeth) Posted: July 16, 2013 at 05:13 PM (#4496135)
To be fair, he seems to think everyone in minor league baseball is an uncontrollable, drunken horn dog and a idiot.


He spent many years in minor league baseball, so he'd know. From the perspective of a conservative Christian who saved his virginity for his wedding night, unquestionably everyone in minor league baseball is an uncontrollable drunken horndog.

Actually I'm pretty sure you don't have to get near the conservative-Christian standard for that statement to be true.

The second time, he was older and smarter and just went home.


It's not mentioned in the article but his second book elaborates a lot more on his motivation for skipping the Triple-A All-Star Game and going home (his fiancée that he hadn't seen for months).

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