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Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Houston Chronicle: Matsui absence likely to last four to five days

Oh my.

Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui is expected to miss four or five days after being diagnosed with a condition known as anal fissure.

OsunaSakata Posted: March 11, 2008 at 03:29 PM | 36 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: astros

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Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. John Seal Posted: March 11, 2008 at 04:20 PM (#2710444)
Too much time spent with the Anal Intruder?
   2. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: March 11, 2008 at 04:25 PM (#2710450)
FWIW courtesy of Wikipedia:

Most anal fissures are caused by stretching of the anal mucosa beyond its capability. Various causes of this fissure include:

Straining to defecate, especially if the stool is hard and dry
Severe and chronic constipation
Severe and chronic diarrhea
Crohn's disease and Ulcerative colitis
Tight sphincter muscles
Anal intercourse
Many acute anal fissures will heal spontaneously. Some fissures become chronic and will not heal. The most common cause for this is spasm of the internal anal sphincter muscle. This spasm causes poor blood flow to the anal mucosa, hence producing an ulcer which does not heal since it is deprived of normal blood supply.

Anal fissures are common in women after childbirth and following constipation in infants.


Yowzers.........
   3. Van Lingle Mungo Jerry Posted: March 11, 2008 at 04:30 PM (#2710459)
Could have been worse. He could have developed an anal fistula, which is one of the most unfortunate juxtapositioning of two words in the English language.
   4. Randy Jones Posted: March 11, 2008 at 04:32 PM (#2710463)
Still not as bad as Felix Pie and his twisted testicle.
   5. xbhaskarx Posted: March 11, 2008 at 04:32 PM (#2710465)
I'm surprised it's Kaz Matsui and not Kaz Tadano...
   6. Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine Posted: March 11, 2008 at 04:33 PM (#2710466)
I'm surprised it's Kaz Matsui and not Kaz Tadano...

I thought this joke would be post #1.
   7. There are no words... (Met Fan Charlie) Posted: March 11, 2008 at 04:38 PM (#2710471)
Tight sphincter muscles


We can rule this one out: he's not in New York anymore.
   8. WhoWantsTeixeiraDessert Posted: March 11, 2008 at 04:56 PM (#2710491)
And here they thought they were only signing one as#####.
   9. RB in NYC (Now Semi-Retired from BBTF) Posted: March 11, 2008 at 05:03 PM (#2710496)
Between this and the guy with the twisted balls it's been a rough week for that general body area in the baseball world.
   10. flournoy Posted: March 11, 2008 at 05:33 PM (#2710516)
Why was the specific condition even published? This seems like the sort of incident where you'd just say, "He'll be out for a few days with flu-like symptoms and/or general soreness."
   11. Slinger Francisco Barrios (Dr. Memory) Posted: March 11, 2008 at 05:47 PM (#2710532)
Why was the specific condition even published? This seems like the sort of incident where you'd just say, "He'll be out for a few days with flu-like symptoms and/or general soreness."

Possibly to raise awareness of anal fissures?
   12. My name is Votto, and I love to get blotto Posted: March 11, 2008 at 05:52 PM (#2710541)
"anal is not a dirty word"

"tell that to my wife"
   13. Hang down your head, Tom Foley Posted: March 11, 2008 at 06:18 PM (#2710569)
And I have another new user name.
   14. The Piehole of David Wells Posted: March 11, 2008 at 07:09 PM (#2710621)
And I have another new user name.


who were you before?
   15. Hang down your head, Tom Foley Posted: March 11, 2008 at 07:37 PM (#2710644)
who were you before?


I think it was something about Sidney Ponson being fat.
   16. Francoeur Sans Gages (AlouGoodbye) Posted: March 11, 2008 at 07:55 PM (#2710663)
15 posts and nothing about Mike Piazza? For shame.
   17. Marcel Posted: March 11, 2008 at 08:40 PM (#2710713)
"anal is not a dirty word"

"tell that to my wife"


haha, nice. I love when someone busts out a scrubs quote.
   18. Justin T steals bases with his bat Posted: March 11, 2008 at 08:48 PM (#2710722)
Just because Kaz Tadano didn't suffer the anal fissure doesn't mean he didn't have anything to do with Matsui getting it.
   19. Sexy Lizard Posted: March 11, 2008 at 09:25 PM (#2710761)
Was the dreaded anal fissure
caused by pain or caused by pleasure?
In the case of Kaz Matsui
we do not know -- or do we?

Dr. Freud says with concision
We create a false division.
With a stunted Id, a chap
Likes a screw, but loves a crap.
   20. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 11, 2008 at 09:36 PM (#2710767)
Yet another thing that I never, ever want to try.

Can't wait to see who's going to go on the DL after a candiru attack, if the current trend keeps up.
   21. Sam M. Posted: March 11, 2008 at 09:39 PM (#2710769)
The hell with Mike Piazza and Kaz Tadano.

You cannot imagine how grateful I am not to have been mentioned in this thread so far.

Would even a punk band dare to adopt the name The Anal Fissures? I don't think so.
   22. Sexy Lizard Posted: March 11, 2008 at 09:45 PM (#2710771)
Would even a punk band dare to adopt the name The Anal Fissures? I don't think so.

After Anal #### came into being, there really wasn't anywhere else to go with the "Anal" names.
   23. Van Lingle Mungo Jerry Posted: March 11, 2008 at 09:47 PM (#2710772)
Would even a punk band dare to adopt the name The Anal Fissures? I don't think so.

Oh, I don't know, Sam. After You've Got Foetus On Your Breath, it's all downhill.

EDITED to fix link.
   24. Greg Pope thinks the Cubs are reeking havoc Posted: March 12, 2008 at 12:00 AM (#2710818)
You cannot imagine how grateful I am not to have been mentioned in this thread so far.

Sam, if someone had mentioned you, would you be offended? Would it matter if it was someone like me, who you sort of vaguely know, but not really?

I almost asked that in a thread about music a while ago where someone mentioned Broadway musicals and I thought of some comment involving your name, but didn't post it.

I'm asking because it's not really the kind of thing that I can ask in person.
   25. RB in NYC (Now Semi-Retired from BBTF) Posted: March 12, 2008 at 12:17 AM (#2710824)
Sam, if someone had mentioned you, would you be offended? Would it matter if it was someone like me, who you sort of vaguely know, but not really?
You've got it all wrong, Greg. It's not a gay thing Sam is talking about. It's a Kaz Matsui thing. Boy, he hates that Kaz Matsui. Sam was afraid someone would speculate that his voodoo had finally succeeded and struck ol' Kazuo down. (Uh, in a manner of speaking.)
   26. Sam M. Posted: March 12, 2008 at 12:25 AM (#2710828)
Sam, if someone had mentioned you, would you be offended? Would it matter if it was someone like me, who you sort of vaguely know, but not really?

Nah. Depending on what was said, I might be embarrassed -- mildly -- but not offended. Humor is humor. I've told enough jokes around here that the last thing I'd be is offended. Now, if someone said something in a mean-spirited, homophobic way (and come on -- we can tell the difference; that has happened on rare occasion here), that would be different.

A Broadway musical thread? Now that would be fun. I sing at a local gay bar around here -- yes, karaoke -- and a friend of mine keeps threatening to bring in Dance Ten, Looks Three from A Chorus Line. If he brings it, I'll sing the damn thing. What the hell.
   27. RB in NYC (Now Semi-Retired from BBTF) Posted: March 12, 2008 at 01:04 AM (#2710845)
A Broadway musical thread? Now that would be fun. I sing at a local gay bar around here -- yes, karaoke -- and a friend of mine keeps threatening to bring in Dance Ten, Looks Three from A Chorus Line. If he brings it, I'll sing the damn thing. What the hell.
And my Stereotypeometer has exploded.
   28. Sam M. Posted: March 12, 2008 at 01:14 AM (#2710849)
And my Stereotypeometer has exploded.

Hah! I love it!

I'll have you know I mostly sing Springsteen, U2 and Bonnie Raitt -- stuff like that. But if Devin brings that song in . . . why the hell not? You only live once, after all.
   29. Hello Rusty Kuntz, Goodbye Rusty Cars Posted: March 12, 2008 at 01:48 AM (#2710858)
Now, if someone said something in a mean-spirited, homophobic way (and come on -- we can tell the difference; that has happened on rare occasion here), that would be different.

I didn't know if you meant you were gay or you had an anal fissure. It sounds like you don't have an anal fissure, which is nice.
   30. Sam M. Posted: March 12, 2008 at 02:01 AM (#2710860)
It sounds like you don't have an anal fissure, which is nice.

Nice? Maybe to you. From my POV, it's way the hell beyond nice.
   31. baudib Posted: March 12, 2008 at 02:08 AM (#2710862)
I wonder if Client No. 9 suffered anal fissures.
   32. baudib Posted: March 12, 2008 at 02:09 AM (#2710863)
Which one of you clowns posted this on wikipedia?


Famous People with Fissures

Kaz Matsui - the victim of a Grade A Carlos "El Cabron" Lee initiation pounding. Lance Berkman vultured for seconds.
   33. Lassus Posted: March 12, 2008 at 03:44 AM (#2710883)
And my Stereotypeometer has exploded.

But if Devin brings that song in . . .

POW!

I always saw you as more of a "Steam Heat" kind of guy, Sam.
   34. baudib Posted: March 12, 2008 at 05:32 AM (#2710940)
xxxxxxxx
   35. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: March 12, 2008 at 01:16 PM (#2711020)
"You only live once, after all."

Unless you're James Bond.
   36. Gambling Rent Czar Posted: March 12, 2008 at 01:30 PM (#2711032)
i bet thats a pillow biter

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