Yeah, this breaks the funny/sad barrier. I need a drink.

table celebrity has-beens as Kato Kaelin, Michael Lohan, Joey Buttafucco, Coolio, Amy Fisher, Octo Mom, Bombshell McGee, and Tila Tequila.

What's the market value of dignity these days?

What's the market value of dignity these days?

I think that depends on whether the rumors of the winners being forced to eat the losers on this epic card are true or not.

Bombshell McGee

Is this a real person?

Bombshell McGee

Is this a real person?

About as much as any of them.

I read the headline and had an immediate, visceral reaction: "I hope Canseco just pastes him one."

I have no explanation for this.

Is this a real person?

more or less...

Bombshell McGee

Is this a real person?

Hmmm... even the google and wikipedia makes this unclear -- if he's real, he is apparently either:

1) Some former bodyguard for various metal and rap performers
2) the alter ego of that dude that broke poor Sandra Bullock's heart
3) One of those dudes who builds motorcycles and fights with his dad
4) A Johnny Knoxville/jackass knock-off


He might also be a comic book character.

EDIT: OK, apparently -- fictional or otherwise -- this is a woman... I'm not going to do the math to figure out which of the 4 above no longer apply.

Hey, Coolio was actually famous for a talent. Don't list him with those freaks.

Is this a legit fight or more akin to pro wrestling? I won't pay a nickel towards enriching them but wouldn't mind Canseco and Dykstra inflicting serious damage on each other.

Hey, Coolio was actually famous for a talent. Don't list him with those freaks.

Yeah - but he butted heads with Weird Al Yankovic. Everyone warned him - Yankovic runs the music industry with an iron fist - but he wouldn't listen. Boxing on a Canseco-Dykstra undercard is probably the best outcome you can hope for if you choose that route.

Hey, Coolio was actually famous for a talent. Don't list him with those freaks.

Yeah, it's sad to see. But it's his fault for taking part, even MC Hammer would stay away from #### like this.

Doubleclick...

A preview of what Manny Ramirez will be like in 2025.

A preview of what Manny Ramirez will be like in 2025.


That long?

#6

I read the headline and had an immediate, visceral reaction: "I hope Canseco just pastes him one."

I have no explanation for this.

I agree, but I would propose a tentative explanation: As far as I can tell, Canseco never took advantage of anyone in any way comparable to Lenny "I'm an awesome baseball dude! Invest your money with me!" Dykstra.

I mean, other than the PED using and the fame whoring and the celebrity "boxing" and the ludicrous tweets and the general sense of "jesus guy, what are you doing with your life," Canseco kinda seems OK. Dykstra (and this is coming from a life-long Mets fan) seems like a schmuck.

Perhaps the most interesting fight features Joey Buttafuco vs. Lou Bellera, who apparently is Amy Fisher's husband.

Also, Amy Fisher is fighting Octomom.

In related news, Amy Fisher is younger than me (she's 37). I never would have guessed that.

Now, to baseball analysis. I believe that the last time Canseco faced off against Dykstra was the 1990 All Star Game. Oddly, Canseco and Dykstra were the only two players to play the entire game from start to finish.

Is this really better than just getting a real job?

I, for one, love living in this age. Bread! Circuses! And I get to feel morally superior by not watching any of it directly (Lurking here and absorbing snark doesn't count).

I honestly checked to make sure it was not an Onion article though, because really would it have surprised any of us if it was?

See, now this is interesting, but not really going far enough.

It really should be a combination of those old 70's wrestling contests where you started with like 10 guys in the ring and Thunderdome. If you add Milton Bradley and Juan Gonzalez to Dykstra and Canseco, cage the thing and throw in 4 baseball bats randomly placed in the dome...now that I'd watch.

Out of curiosity, is anybody here a fan of the Fight Game, and if so, can they give us a in-depth analysis?

I know I shouldn't care, but I'm wondering what the respective paydays for those involved are.

You should really just walk away and pay no attention to any spectacle where you're rooting for the obnoxious publicity whore.

So, does the winner meet Tonya Harding, Paula Jones, or (shudder) the fearsome Linda (Gus the Bruiser) Tripp?

Deadspin also tells us that there's going to be a bout between Rodney King and an ex-cop. Because King's original battle with the cops was such a crowd-pleaser.

2) the alter ego of that dude that broke poor Sandra Bullock's heart

I'm not gonna bother to confirm this, but sadly, I think I do know it... I believe Bombshell McGee is the person with whom that guy cheated on Sandra. I think she's also a neo-Nazi who has a bunch of "white power" tattoos, or something.

This is apparently the card:

Jose Canseco Vs Lenny Dykstra
Joey Buttafuco Vs Lou Ballera
Nadya "Octomom" Suleman Vs Amy Fisher
Coolio Vs Jeremy Jackson
Tareq Salahi Vs Kato Kaelin
Michelle "Bombshell" McGee Vs Violet Kowal
Tila Tequila Vs TBA

I admit I watched the celebrity boxing when it was on network TV. Pay-per-view, though...?

Given the above card, which pair is the most pathetic? Obnoxious? Talented?

I think talented has to be Canseco and Dykstra (Not in life perhaps, but in their original profession).
Pathetic. Tough one, but I like Octomom vs AF.
Obnoxious. Too tough to call (for me).

I guess Amy Fisher's porn career didn't take off. That's not a joke either, she had a porn career.

Yeah - but he butted heads with Weird Al Yankovic. Everyone warned him - Yankovic runs the music industry with an iron fist - but he wouldn't listen. Boxing on a Canseco-Dykstra undercard is probably the best outcome you can hope for if you choose that route.

And now, Yankovic plays safety for the Steelers going by the nom de sport of "Polamalu". It's the hair that gives him away.

I saw Weird Al in concert about a month ago. Fantastic!

I agree, but I would propose a tentative explanation: As far as I can tell, Canseco never took advantage of anyone in any way comparable to Lenny "I'm an awesome baseball dude! Invest your money with me!" Dykstra.

I mean, other than the PED using and the fame whoring and the celebrity "boxing" and the ludicrous tweets and the general sense of "jesus guy, what are you doing with your life," Canseco kinda seems OK. Dykstra (and this is coming from a life-long Mets fan) seems like a schmuck.

This makes an awful lot of sense.

Coolio Vs Jeremy Jackson

I did a double-take when I saw this, because the only Jeremy Jackson I know is this guy. Then I realized that had to be wrong, because that same Jeremy Jackson is also this guy.

I still think Coolio doesn't belong with this crowd. Seriously. WTF. If he's doing this stuff, where the #### is Ton Loc (Funky Cold Medina and Wild Thang)? Where is Vanilla Ice? Rico Suave? Is Johnny Rodz of the old-school WWF still available? Did George "The Animal" Steele leave this Earth yet? Because if he didn't, I'd pay money to watch him try to eat turnbuckles again.

I still don't know who Jeremy Jackson is. Was he on Party of Five or Dawson's Creek?

Where is Vanilla Ice?

Hey, you asked.

The is a non-zero percent chance that Sarah Palin is the TBA in the Tila Tequila match.

Still waiting for in-depth analysis- who has the better reach? Will the fact that Dykstra is a southpaw affect anything? Is there any chance of a knockout?

Number 21, the answers to your qs are yes and no, in that order

See, now this is interesting, but not really going far enough.

It really should be a combination of those old 70's wrestling contests where you started with like 10 guys in the ring and Thunderdome. If you add Milton Bradley and Juan Gonzalez to Dykstra and Canseco, cage the thing and throw in 4 baseball bats randomly placed in the dome...now that I'd watch.

That gave me the best idea for a baseball-themed death match. You have:

Randy Maris or Roger Maris Jr. (representing Roger Maris)
Pete Rose (representing himself)
Jeff Santo (representing Ron Santo)
Joe Posnanski (representing Buck O'Neil)

Suspended above the ring is a briefcase containing a contract signed by Bud Selig and the appropriate representative of the Baseball Hall of Fame, decreeing that the winner of the match can enshrine their candidate into the HoF. One of the participants must climb a ladder, retrieve the briefcase, and return safely to the ground while maintaining possession of the briefcase. Bud Selig is locked in a cage that is suspended from the arena's roof to prevent his interference in this important match, and the only key to the cage will be hung around Cal Ripken Jr.'s neck.

In order to heighten their aggression levels, the participants would be locked in a room without food or water for 24 hours before the match.

The Maris representative's room will have a TV showing an endless loop of Bonds, Sosa, and McGwire's record-breaking home runs, along with pundits talking about how these sluggers saved baseball by breaking Roger Maris' asterisk-stained record.

Rose would be without any access to his bookie, and he would have an endless stream of 8 Men Out on the TV.

Jeff Santo gets to watch a DVD about the greatest players in Cubs history. The DVD would somehow snub Ron Santo in favour of a 20 minute package on Mark Grace, who is lauded as "the best Cub who is not in the Hall of Fame".

Poz's tv gets the 85 World Series, highlights from George Brett's career, and Buck O'Neil's speech from the last HoF induction of Negro League players.

You could also go with Barry Bonds v Roger Clemens v Jeff Bagwell v Mark McGwire v Rafael Palmeiro v Tim Raines if you wanted a more athletic version of that match.

I still don't know who Jeremy Jackson is. Was he on Party of Five or Dawson's Creek?

Baywatch, apparently.

I admit I watched the celebrity boxing when it was on network TV.

So did I. It was no Man vs. Beast, though.

Where is Vanilla Ice?

I'm not sure what the youtube link goes to, but Vanilla Ice has one of those handyman shows on HGTV.

EDIT: IOW he did get a real(ish) job. I have no interest in watching the show and thus can't say if he can actually do a proper job at home repair/reno.

I still don't know who Jeremy Jackson is. Was he on Party of Five or Dawson's Creek?

You might be confusing him with Joshua Jackson who was on Dawson's Creek.

I'm not sure what the youtube link goes to

Coward.

I had a brief moment of terror this was actually Jesse Johnson of the Time, who I've always liked quite a bit. Great solo album.

I can't comment on Jesse, but I know Jerome could throw down.

39 is brilliant. I'd watch that.

If he's doing this stuff, where the #### is Ton Loc (Funky Cold Medina and Wild Thang)?

Health issues...

Just three more little words could have made this article far more awesome: "to the death."

How do these boxing matches get sanctioned?

MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch already killed this idea.

I still think Coolio doesn't belong with this crowd.

It is probably some sort of punishment from performing at the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Look for Tonya Harding to come in after 10 rounds and kick both their asses.

I think if you guaranteed Canseco enough, he'd kick his own ass on PPV.

Dykstra dropped out of the event this afternoon, no cause was announced so I'm not going to rule out an acute case of the chickens.

Just three more little words could have made this article far more awesome: "to the death."

Best "to the death" story I've heard this year.

I was at a conference in Aberystwyth, Wales (one of the most beautiful places I've been to by the way...Wales is ####### awesome) and one dude was delivering a paper on violence in Welsh monestaries in some century (I forget...probably 13th?). Apparently there were these two monestaries that had a healthy rivalry going, but because the Abbot's frowned on any violence between monks they decided to settle their dispute by agreeing to meet up in a neutral location, with each monestary bringing a horse. They then gathered in a big circle and had the horses fight TO THE DEATH! I'm not exactly sure how one makes a horse fight another horse, but I imagine PETA would not have been pleased with the day's events.

Aside from that gruesome tid-bit it was actually a really fun conference. One presenter did a piece on Welsh adaptations of Arthurian romance in the medieval period and how almost every instance of kissing (either between master and vassal to confirm an oath, or between a mother and her children, or between lovers) had been removed in the translation into Welsh and replaced with various "holding" or "clasping" gestures. It was an interesting enterprise in trying to determine how exactly these medieval Welsh folks physically expressed emotion (other than through horse murder that is). Was kissing so foreign, or had such different connotations, to them that it would be nonsensical in the context of the poems? Or were they just prudes?

Dykstra dropped out of the event this afternoon, no cause was announced so I'm not going to rule out an acute case of the chickens.

I think it's more likely the case that the promoter was dumb enough to give Dykstra some money to secure his name on a contract and the check cleared.

I have no interest in watching the show and thus can't say if he can actually do a proper job at home repair/reno.

If there was a problem (with your house), yo, he'll solve it.

I was surprised to see that Dykstra and Canseco were essentially tied in WAR for their careers.

I was surprised to see that Dykstra and Canseco were essentially tied in WAR for their careers.

This summer I ran a Hall of Fame exercise where I went year by year adding each year's retirement class to the ballot. Top 5% at your position with at least 5000 PA got you 20 points, top 10% got 10, top 15% got 5. 100 points to get elected and there is no time limit on the ballot (Sam Crawford was inducted in the 2009 vote). The rankings were done by four weighted categories. In order of importance
1) Career WAR
2) WAR in 3 best seasons
3) WAR in 5 best seasons
4) WAR per PA/IP

It worked out that at any given time roughly 13% of the players with 5000 PA or 2000 IP were in the Hall (A slightly larger % than in reality, but in the ballpark) I got through about 100 years without it spitting out anything too embarassing. The biggest gaffe is Hugh Duffy getting in because before Cobb or Speaker retired there were a boat-load of mediocre CFers so he was in the top 10% for a while. Stan Hack similarly snuck in at 3B as the first half of the century seeed to be a wasteland for 3B. Jimmy Collins and John McGraw were cromunlent candidates in the early going, then Baker...then nothing until Eddie Mathews. Anyway, I was relatively pleased with the project as an exercise in getting to know players before my time. But due to the WAR per PA category Lenny Dykstra is primed to sneak into the Hall in 2020. That may be the straw that breaks the camel's back in me taking this system seriously.

FYI: 2011 inductees are Mark McGwire and Willie Davis.
I think favouring CF in general may be a weakness.

Jose Canseco Vs Lenny Dykstra
Joey Buttafuco Vs Lou Ballera
Nadya "Octomom" Suleman Vs Amy Fisher
Coolio Vs Jeremy Jackson
Tareq Salahi Vs Kato Kaelin
Michelle "Bombshell" McGee Vs Violet Kowal
Tila Tequila Vs TBA

My predictions:

Dykstra kicks Canseco's ass (unfortunately. Dykstra deserves an asswhupping)
Ballera over Buttafucco
Fisher over Octamom (Fisher already has a well-earned reputation for violent behavior. All the octomom has a reputation for is fertility. That's not going to help her much.
Don't know who Salahi is be he/she is going to kick Kaelin's ass.
Don't know either of the next two but have to give the edge to someone nicknamed "Bombshell".
TKO victory of TBA over Tequila.

You read it here first.

I don't think Duffy, Hack, Collins, McGraw or Baker are crazy HOF inductees at all. Davis and Dykstra are problematic. Interesting that such a system would favor CF. Can't see offhand why that would be.

Salahi was the "White House party crasher"... probably a couple of years ago, now. It was a thing for about a day.

TKO victory of TBA over STD.

fixed

If there was a problem (with your house), yo, he'll solve it.

Stolen from AVClub:

All right stop your real estate assessment
Ice is back with my brand new investment
Its value will appreciate slightly
Don't sweat the details 'cause they're unsightly
"Will it ever drop?" Oh, I don't know
Turns out I might lack cash flow
Don't knock my scheme, I think this might be a scandal
I think that there's much too much debt here to handle
Damn... there's an indictment that looms
I'm killing myself with my Beamer's exahust fumes
Take-downs in the press are just jealousy
I didn't know mortgage fraud was a felony
Standing in court rooms both federal and state
They tell me "plea bargain--the jury's irate"
If there was a contract oh, dissolve it
Freebasing crack while my lawyer resolves it