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Thursday, January 03, 2013

José Canseco’s Insane New Year’s Resolutions

Former baseball player, steroid aficionado, and Twitter crazy person Jose Canseco shared his new year’s resolutions with the world.

These are only half as crazy as mine, really.

Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine Posted: January 03, 2013 at 02:32 PM | 34 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: jose canseco, voices, so many voices

Reader Comments and Retorts

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   1. J.R. Wolf Posted: January 03, 2013 at 03:36 PM (#4338206)
Jose wants to run for political office? Well, he couldn't be any worse than what we already have.
   2. Jack Keefe Posted: January 03, 2013 at 03:37 PM (#4338207)
Every 1 should make 10 Resloutions Al not just Canesco. Here are my 10 I have given them some thought you Bet.

1. Make 10 Reslutions for 2014 Early.
2. Finnish reading The Walking Dead comics I have read part of Book 1 Al it is hard but I will follow Through.
3. Lose 10 lbs.
4. Eat more of those Hershey Air Delight bars, they are mostly Air and will not intrefere with #3 Al.
5. Get selected Secertary General of the UN.
6. Visit my pal AJ in Texas when we go in there and ride 1 of those mecanical Rodeo Bulls.
7. Jump out of a Plain going higher than Felix Bumgarner.
8. All ways treat every 1 right and buy them a Pony.
9. Avoid Fride foods which Angry Up the Blood.
10. Succeed from the United States and form a new Country Keefeylvania and name Josie Conesco as the Prime Minster.
   3. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: January 03, 2013 at 04:15 PM (#4338254)
1. Spend more time with my pet girafe "Carney"
2. Start a vegen diet or maybe create the perfect vegen omlet.
3. Create a Youtube video that gets a billion views
4. Stop Presdent Obama from impleminting Agenda 21
5. Fight "Carney" in an MMA match
6. Become a contestant on The Hunger Games
7. Finally get people to do something about cancer and lukemia and polio.
8. Pitch in the MLB All-Star Game
9. Make amens with Mike Gallego.
10.Deport all my h8ers to North Korea.
   4. The Chronicles of Reddick Posted: January 03, 2013 at 04:33 PM (#4338281)
1. Eat less salad.
2. Buy bigger pants to make me feel skinnier.
3. Try not to believe everything I read on Facebook
4. Reduce my carbon footprint by wearing my underwear more than one day.
5. Start that fan club for Mitch McConnell
6. Remember that Yankee fans are people too.
7. Don't get sucked into any conversations on the A's moving to San Jose
8. Create my own television channel that no one watches so I can sell it to Al-Jazeera.
9. Make sure I make it through a Marx bros movie one time in my life.
10. Refrain about making snide comments about co-workers for one work day.
   5. Al Kaline Trio Posted: January 03, 2013 at 04:36 PM (#4338285)
10 resolutions for current A's / team.

1. Win AL West again and save the headache by clinching in April.
2. Try and get younger as a team, like maybe promoting other Doolittle to bullpen / 1B for first ever pitcher 1B defense platoon with brother Sean.
3. Help small market team's around the US by going to a game and buying a hot dog at each stadium.
4. Help Edythe's 105th birthday wish come true. http://www.multivu.com/mnr/59741-direct-relief-international-105-year-old-volunteer-birthday-wish
5. Beane: Trade Barton to the Astros for Jed Lowrie so he can finally get his big break and maybe make the playoffs.
5. Reddick: Cameo in Summerslam during All Star break.
6. Balfour: Challenge Manny Pacquiao's political seat in Manila.
7. Weeks: Find a way for a gay teammate to be less "hard" for Torii.
8. Sogard: Invent new healthy drink for Josh Hamilton to get addicted to.
9. Pray for injured melon of McCarthy.
10. Bartolo: Lose five pounds for every lost start due to suspension.
   6. andrewberg Posted: January 03, 2013 at 04:45 PM (#4338298)
1. Switch to Lean Pockets.
2. Finish at least 3 of my incomplete X-Files fan fiction novels.
3. See Prince and Bob Dylan in concert. Together.
4. Win America's Cup.
5. Lobby Congress to raise my personal debt ceiling.
6. Actually riot when John Cena wins.
7. Stop clicking on male enhancement emails.
8. Less genocide.
9. Find buyers for unopened Rosetta Stone kits on craigslist.
10. Complete fruit rankings.
   7. Fernigal McGunnigle has become a merry hat Posted: January 03, 2013 at 04:46 PM (#4338300)
1. Buy a case of Ponce de Canseco anti-aging drink.
2. Stay sexy.
3. But not so sexy as to cause multiple divorces.
4. Build secret tunnel so the baby beluga whale at the Shedd Aquarium can escape into Lake Michigan.
5. Replace random non-sequiters with carefully planned non-sequiters.
6. Higher class floss would make flossing a more pleasant experience.
7. Finally visit Labrador.
8. Drink less beer.
9. Drink better beer.
10. Deport all my heirs to North Korea.

   8. CFBF Is A Golden Spider Duck Posted: January 03, 2013 at 05:14 PM (#4338335)
1. Sell one copy of my self-published play, Apollo's Grove, within the next 365 days.
2. Repeatedly use Twitter to promote said play in an embarrassing display of self-aggrandizement.
3. Recommend new and exciting pieces of literature to all of my internet friends. Like recently completed plays.
4. Figure out how my new play, Apollo's Grove, is relevant to the debt ceiling debate.
5. Meet Allison Brie and expose her to Apollo's Grove.
   9. The Chronicles of Reddick Posted: January 03, 2013 at 05:52 PM (#4338376)
5. Meet Allison Brie and expose her to Apollo's Grove.


Not in my store you dont.
   10. RMc is a fine piece of cheese Posted: January 03, 2013 at 05:56 PM (#4338380)
1. Never, under any circumstances, purchase "Apollo's Grove".
2. Convince everyone else on the planet to do the same.
3. Terminate, with extreme prejudice, anyone who has ever read "Apollo's Grove".
4. Use Google to find out who the hell Allison Brie is. (OK, she's in Mad Men.)
5. Meet Allison Brie and say, "Reading 'Apollo's Grove' will make you fat. Seriously."
   11. asinwreck Posted: January 03, 2013 at 06:42 PM (#4338410)
Jose Canseco and Twitter should never divorce. That would be as sad as the Iron Sheik going offline.
   12. Bourbon Samurai Posted: January 03, 2013 at 06:45 PM (#4338414)
Apollo's Grove added to my cart. Will purchase whenever I get $25 worth of stuff for free shipping.

Any other primates want to pitch my their books? I already have DCWs and Dag's.
   13. Sebastian Posted: January 03, 2013 at 07:18 PM (#4338432)
1. Give more money to BBTF.
2. ??
3. ???
.
.
.
28. Kill every anglophone who uses (and therefore misuses) „Sturm und Drang“.
   14. CFBF Is A Golden Spider Duck Posted: January 03, 2013 at 07:23 PM (#4338433)
Apollo's Grove added to my cart. Will purchase whenever I get $25 worth of stuff for free shipping.


I am eternally grateful.

On the other hand, you know how you can bump your total up? Buying another six or seven copies of Apollo's Grove.
   15. Jarrod HypnerotomachiaPoliphili(Teddy F. Ballgame) Posted: January 03, 2013 at 07:27 PM (#4338435)
Get that thing up on Kobo as well as (retch) Kindle and I'll buy one.
   16. jobu Posted: January 03, 2013 at 07:29 PM (#4338437)
Use Google to find out who the hell Allison Brie is. (OK, she's in Mad Men.)

She's a triple-threat, at least. She's in "Mad Men," and "Community," and she can rap reasonably well. She's a keeper.

I've looked into the future, and Ponce de Canseco is Spencer's Gifts (still around, surprisingly) #1 gag gift for Father's Day 2014.
   17. Transmission Posted: January 03, 2013 at 07:33 PM (#4338440)
12 - sure.

http://www.iupress.indiana.edu/product_info.php?products_id=806510

Also available at Amazon.
   18. Lassus Posted: January 03, 2013 at 08:05 PM (#4338453)
28. Kill every anglophone who uses (and therefore misuses) „Sturm und Drang“.

But... but... I can still talk about Haydn, right?
   19. Sebastian Posted: January 03, 2013 at 08:26 PM (#4338471)
But... but... I can still talk about Haydn, right?


I guess so. I don’t speak music, so I can’t tell if what you’re saying makes sense. If you ever want to see Haydn’s original grave, though (or Schubert’s, Beethoven’s, Falco’s) and you’re ever in my corner of the world – let me know.
   20. Lassus Posted: January 03, 2013 at 08:29 PM (#4338472)
In the late 1760s and early 1770s Haydn entered a stylistic period known as "Sturm und Drang" (storm and stress). This term is taken from a literary movement of about the same time, though it appears that the musical development actually preceded the literary one by a few years. The musical language of this period is similar to what went before, but it is deployed in work that is more intensely expressive, especially in the works in minor keys. James Webster describes the works of this period as "longer, more passionate, and more daring." Some of the most famous compositions of this time are the "Trauer" (Mourning) Symphony No. 44, "Farewell" Symphony No. 45, the piano sonata in C minor (Hob. XVI/20, L. 33), and the six string quartets of Op. 20 (the "Sun" quartets), all from ca. 1771–1772. It was also around this time that Haydn became interested in writing fugues in the Baroque style, and three of the Op. 20 quartets end with such fugues.
   21. Sebastian Posted: January 03, 2013 at 08:42 PM (#4338486)
You got me. I will have to kill you. That’s a shame, because I really don’t want to. If only I had said

[…] uses (and therefore misuses) „Sturm und Drang“ as a verb […]


but I didn’t. My bad. I guess I owe you beer and Sachertorte. That stuff will kill you. Eventually.
   22. AJMcCringleberry Posted: January 03, 2013 at 08:46 PM (#4338489)
You people can have Allison Brie. I will take Alison Brie.
   23. tshipman Posted: January 03, 2013 at 08:49 PM (#4338491)
9. Find buyers for unopened Rosetta Stone kits on craigslist.


Hey, which languages?

You might have a buyer.
   24. Sebastian Posted: January 03, 2013 at 08:56 PM (#4338498)
I’ve seen the Rosetta Stone. Gibberish.
   25. vortex of dissipation Posted: January 03, 2013 at 09:10 PM (#4338515)
   26. Los Angeles El Hombre de Anaheim Posted: January 03, 2013 at 09:18 PM (#4338521)
10. Finish my 2013 Resolutions list.
9. Make sure to
   27. Gamingboy Posted: January 03, 2013 at 10:56 PM (#4338598)
10. Figure out how to make more money so I can donate to BBTF.
9. Prepare my sleep cycles for 2013 WBC, now with thrice as many games in Asia!
8. Finally finish all that stuff I've been meaning to watch on Netflix
7. Discover Cold Fusion (finding Gilette products in a fridge or freezer would, technically, count)
6. Challenge Grover Norquist to a Pokemon battle, with the tax policies of the Republican Party being decided by the winner.
5. Finally write that Sci-Fi/Adventure/Mystery/Thriller I've been meaning to write.
4. Meet, woo and marry a supermodel or actress or something.
3. Learn how to fly an autogyro. Autogyros are cool.
2. Photobomb and/or be photobombed by Ichiro.
1. Be put in charge of WB's Justice League movie project.
   28. Voros McCracken of Pinkus Posted: January 03, 2013 at 11:20 PM (#4338622)
I had a July 1st resolution, so I don't need more for another six months.
   29. charityslave is thinking about baseball Posted: January 04, 2013 at 10:04 AM (#4338829)
1) Avoid cliched internet tropes like "Humorous New Years resolutions".
2) lose weight.
   30. Pops Freshenmeyer Posted: January 04, 2013 at 11:51 AM (#4338950)
What's DCW's book?
   31. Bitter Mouse Posted: January 04, 2013 at 01:35 PM (#4339061)
1) Use binary number system on BBTF.
10) Succeed at resolution in the first week of 2013.
   32. Harold can be a fun sponge Posted: January 04, 2013 at 05:00 PM (#4339283)
What's DCW's book?

He has two books:

Let's Kill All the Belgians: A Child's Guide to Genocide (a children's book which sparked international outrage), and Lower Forms of Life and Other Unconfirmed Reports (an anthology of shorter work).
   33. beer on a stick Posted: January 05, 2013 at 10:58 PM (#4339872)
1. Buy a bigger motor home.
2. Figure out where to get the gas money for a bigger notor home.
3. Stop rooting for the Detroit Lions.
4. No really, STOP ROOTING FOR THE ####### LIONS. God, they suck.
5. Take more steroids. They actually worked for me, and I have a TUE.
6. Educate the world on the goodness of using lime juice, onions and cilantro when cooking. And green chile.
7. Identify, and fix the Phillies current issues.
8. Ditto for the Orioles. Even though their current issue may turn out to be Toronto.
9. Ditto for the Nationals. I'm not sure if they actually have any issues, but I like to be helpful.
10. Spend the winter in Belize. I hear its warmer than South Texas, which has been ####### freezing the last week or so.
11. Try to swim with the dolphins. Or, at least with the mullet. Try not to drown.
   34. Fancy Pants Handles lap changes with class Posted: January 06, 2013 at 12:26 AM (#4339886)
1) Use binary number system on BBTF.
10) Succeed at resolution in the first week of 2013.


Would have been better as:

10) Succeed at resolution in the first week of 11111011101.

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