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Thursday, March 01, 2012

Kids of Milwaukee Forced To Look Up To Ryan Braun On Technicality

Following the decision, Brewers Kids Club members had petitioned Das to allow them to start looking up to outfielder Corey Hart instead, but the arbitrator ruled that since the departure of free agent Prince Fielder, Braun is the only logical player for them to idolize.

Won’t somebody please think of the children?!?

Athletic Supporter was shiny, now he's all rusted Posted: March 01, 2012 at 09:24 PM | 14 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: brewers, steroids

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   1. Good cripple hitter Posted: March 01, 2012 at 10:01 PM (#4072417)
I preferred Tom Brady Consolidates Power By Marrying Sister Off To Twisted But Influential Kevin Youkilis

"Youkilis may not be a strategic genius, but he is powerful and unpredictable, and it's better to let him exercise his animal urges on Julie than it is to leave his twisted mind to plot and plan."

   2. vagab0nd is still a champion Posted: March 01, 2012 at 11:11 PM (#4072450)
   3. The Yankee Clapper Posted: March 01, 2012 at 11:31 PM (#4072459)
Sounds like Youkilis should be the new Captain, no?
   4. Spahn Insane, stimulus-funded BurlyMan™ Posted: March 02, 2012 at 12:28 AM (#4072484)
Surprised it's taken this long to get a "won't someone think of the children" thread on this subject...

EDIT: I've been reading the Onion for 15 years, and I fell for the headline. Nice work, all.
   5. Shock Posted: March 02, 2012 at 12:34 AM (#4072489)
It's really sad that I bought this headline.
   6. hokieneer Posted: March 02, 2012 at 12:56 AM (#4072503)
As someone who rarely reads the Onion, I don't feel as stupid for being duped by the headline.
   7. CrosbyBird Posted: March 02, 2012 at 01:26 AM (#4072519)
The 6-5 count article has a great button.
   8. Walt Davis Posted: March 02, 2012 at 01:42 AM (#4072529)
I certainly hope this "build the little darlings' self-esteem by never saying anybody is wrong" thing hasn't gotten so out of control that kids have stopped cheating.

I can't have been older than 8 when I learned that it ain't cheatin' unless you get caught.
   9. Tuque Posted: March 02, 2012 at 02:42 AM (#4072541)
I love when The Onion creates a character out of a public figure. One of my favorite recurring personalities is Joe Biden.
   10. zachtoma Posted: March 02, 2012 at 06:30 PM (#4073058)
Their series of articles on Tim Duncan is so awesome. Here's one.
   11. zachtoma Posted: March 02, 2012 at 06:31 PM (#4073060)
Gah.
   12. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (((JE))) Posted: March 02, 2012 at 06:36 PM (#4073062)
Sounds like Youkilis should be the new Captain, no?

Will he even be on the Sox after this season, let alone in '14?
   13. Khrushin it bro Posted: March 02, 2012 at 06:54 PM (#4073073)
Extremely Patient Kevin Youkilis Works Count to 6-5


He homered on the 6-5 pitch to become the 5th playoff team in the AL.
   14. ERROR---Jolly Old St. Nick Posted: March 02, 2012 at 07:08 PM (#4073081)
I loved three of the other articles on the same page:

Peyton Manning Congratulates Brother Eli: 'This Has Been The Worst Year Of My Life'

"You've really done it this time," the injury-plagued 37-year-old Peyton told his little brother, noting that Eli's Super Bowl win may mark his own last appearance at Lucas Oil Stadium. "You've turned me back into Dan Marino. No one was saying it before, but now that you're a two-time winner, they'll be saying it again in no time. I hope you're happy, Eli. I really do. I can barely move my head."


Knicks Doctors Continue Carefully Reinjuring Carmelo Anthony's Groin

"Did you see Jeremy Lin scored more points in his first five games than any player in NBA history?" said McConnell, adding that the only thing that makes him feel better than watching Lin’s success is the sight of Carmelo Anthony rolling on the ground cradling his testicles. "It's a great time to be a Knicks fan, that's for certain."


Rangers Mistakenly Attempt To Woo Roy Oswalt By Touting Dallas' Gay Nightlife Scene

"I know it's traditional to buy a guy a steak and show him a good time, but, uh, that was—well, it was real different," said Oswalt, who admitted "everyone was real nice and everything" the entire time. "The food at the Havana Lounge was great, I like Cuban and all, but they… It really wasn't my kind of place. And then they took me to this place called Zippers, and that wasn't my kind of place at all."

"Not at all," Oswalt added.

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