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Baseball Primer Newsblog— The Best News Links from the Baseball Newsstand
Sunday, May 11, 2008
MSN Quick Vomit Launch…all just one dick away.
In just about every U.S. city, if you’re not a fan of baseball, you might as well not be American. Harboring an aversion to the sport is equivalent to burning Old Glory—especially here in Boston, where I live. What? You don’t know Big Papi’s slugging percentage? That’s an immediate flogging. Tell anyone you’d rather walk along the Charles River than spend an afternoon at Fenway Park? You’re looking at five years in Guantanamo Bay, pal. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some kind of a namby-pamby anti-sports guy. Football is a part of my DNA and most of my shirts growing up were the color of blood. But let’s face it: Baseball is lame and boring. At the risk of being cuffed and detained by Homeland Security (which, by the way, is why I’m writing this article under a pseudonym), here are eight reasons why.
Statistics
If I want a lesson in mathematics, I’ll walk through the halls of MIT, not the turnstiles of Yawkey Way. We’re supposed to be enjoying ourselves, aren’t we? On-base percentages, opponent on-base plus slugging percentages, sabermetrics … Alan Greenspan might enjoy crunching the numbers, but for those of us who’d rather leave our brains at work, the cold-beverage-intake-to-bladder-outflow ratio makes a whole lot more sense.
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Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.
1. Crashburn Alley Posted: May 11, 2008 at 12:23 PM (#2776538)It's one thing to have legitimate criticisms, but the author doesn't understand the game. My favorite line:
I love how people think steroids = Popeye's spinach. You still have to work out if you take steroids.
That headline and byline broke my suckmeter.
Great nom de guerre: Lenin... Che... LeClerc... J-Mo.
"Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please eliminate three.
P.S. I am not a crackpot."
#10: Belts: Baseball players wear belts! How would you like to see LeBron James wear a belt on the court? Would that be lame! A belt is something I only wear to job interviews. News flash, Johan Santana: you already have a job!
Didn't you see "Good Will Hunting?" They conduct their tests on dry erase boards. Duh.
Yup. I definitely want more NFL Draft coverage to balance it out.
Mr. Pot, meet Mr. Kettle.
2. Physical Fitness - See offensive linemen.
4. Statistics - QB rating, yards per carry, passing yardage, time of possession; football is chock full of stats.
5. Going the distance - Hell, no one plays ironman football anymore! At least 99% of baseball players play both offense and defense.
6. Superstitions - The Immaculate Reception
7. Off-season Shenanigans - Find someone on the street and say, "off-season shenanigans" and the sport they will think of will be "professional football."
8. Fantasty teams - What, he's never heard of fantasy football? I've seen frickin' commercials for it!
1. and 3., they certainly don't apply to football. They're not reasons that baseball is lame by any means, but certainly they don't apply to football.
What about the other 5?
No. Movies which use the main character's name in the title in a "clever" way are lame and boring.
Take that, Titanic!
Scientology classes.
MIT Professor #1: Say, did you know that for any real number x, e to the power of i times x equals the cosine of x plus i plus the sine x?
MIT Professor #2: And that the series 1 minus 1/3 plus 1/5 minus 1/7 plus 1/9, et cetera, converges on pi over four?
Passerby: (plugging ears with fingers) Shut up, shut up! I don't want to know this! I just came in here to use the bathroom!
So what's your opinion of "Bull Durham?"
Rob Base
And this guy is saying baseball is unmanly?
You beat me to it, Kevin. All that was missing was the "men's cologne" (AKA perfume) ads.
Huh? When I scratch my monitor it smells like "Driven." Are you saying that's only on my monitor?
Weird.
You mean like this:
www.avon.com/derekjeter ?
I wasn't ready for baseball talk when it began to creep up on me this winter.
Of course there are very few times of the year the NFL isn't being discussed, maybe from about the Pro Bowl to Opening Day/end of March Madness, when all the draft stuff really starts up.
and a whiner too. AND he can't write worth spit neither
uck
it isn't unmanly to have no interest in sports. it is the silly petulance - it is soooooooo boring. if he wants to read shakespeare, go for long walks, watch dancing with the stars/the view/american idol/oprah/football (you talk about B O R I N G) or jump in the charles river, he should just have at it.
any man who makes himself sound like a 3 year old throwing a tantrum because he didn't get his way and besides he needs a nap is a disgrace to men
Someone here likes to indulge in bondage and discipline fantasies and I know it's not me.
- looks like ima hafta go get out my big black boots and give you a GOOD spankin
Nah. If he's that interested in his jocks looking like "Mr. Universe," it does not necessarily mean he's into B&D;.
It might mean that he's gay.
Not to mention that Mr. Universe is probably up to his chemcially-enhanced eyeballs in PEDs, but whatever.
I'm guessing you watch a lot of Tom Brady.
The indomitable fabulousness that is Liza Minnelli?
J-Mo must have loved .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
NFL Quarterback Rating Formula
a = (((Comp/Att) * 100) -30) / 20
b = ((TDs/Att) * 100) / 5
c = (9.5 - ((Int/Att) * 100)) / 4
d = ((Yards/Att) - 3) / 4
a, b, c and d can not be greater than 2.375 or less than zero.
QB Rating = (a + b + c + d) / .06
Thank God there's no math in other sports.
And while I'm on the subject, why isn't Johnny Unitas complaining about how these new-fangled ways to objectively measure QBs are killing the enjoyment of the game?* Back in the fifties all you needed to know was if your guy could hit a receiver on a 40-yard fade while head-butting the defensive end, all with a cigar clenched between his teeth.
* Aside from his somewhat-recently reduced oxygen consumption
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