Kemp should not win if Braun gives up the award.

Baseball wins if Braun gives up the award.

Your poetry still sucks.

I've got some advice for Plaschke...

How long do you think Plaschke spends on these articles? An hour or two at most, right?

How long do you think Plaschke spends on these articles? An hour or two at most, right?

In all seriousness, I think the average Primate could knock out a Plaschke is no more than a half an hour. The typing would be more strenuous than the thinking.

How long do you think Plaschke spends on these articles? An hour or two at most, right?

Depends on if he's a touch-typist or not. If he's hunt and peck then an hour or so is right, touch-typist? I'm saying 20 minutes.

representing the only real punishment for an active cheater.
he won’t have to give up much else.

well, there's that 50 game suspension and resulting loss of millions in income but, it's true that, compared to the admiration of the BBWAA, those things don't really matter.

EDIT: assuming Braun is eventually ruled to be in violation. If he's cleared (as I hope) then Plaschke has gotten worked up over nothing.

You know, I've been spending all weekend pondering the Ryan Braun situation, and the thought I finally arrived at, after 48 hours of pondering, was, "I wonder what Bill Plaschke thinks about the Ryan Braun situation."

Kemp should not win if Braun gives up the award.
Baseball wins if Braun gives up the award.

When the river's high we jump off the bridge
And when we get home we play some didge.

Is that better?

If he's hunt and peck then an hour or so is right, touch-typist? I'm saying 20 minutes.

It takes at least an hour to work up a good froth.

If it turns out Braun 'roided, he didn't win the award in a sporting manner.

Great, he cheated (**) and won the MVP. Let's waste a bunch of brain cells and words trying to say he's a legitimate MVP.

(**) Assuming the reported test results are confirmed.

It takes at least an hour to work up a good froth.

Sure, a legitimate froth...

It takes at least an hour to work up a good froth.

Fiddlesticks. I can work up a good froth in 5 minutes.

Drives my wife crazy, I don't mind telling you.

Fiddlesticks. I can work up a good froth in 5 minutes.

Drives my wife crazy, I don't mind telling you.

Will you teach me? I need more time for the internet!

In all seriousness, I think the average Primate could knock out a Plaschke is no more than a half an hour.

Who will take this challenge? 600-700 words. I will propose the fake news story.

In all seriousness, I think the average Primate could knock out a Plaschke is no more than a half an hour. The typing would be more strenuous than the thinking.

The Plaschke homage in this thread took me all of 15 minutes.

If it turns out Braun 'roided...

Typical intellectual carelessness by SBB. He's not even reported to have "'roided".

In all seriousness, I think the average Primate could knock out a Plaschke is no more than a half an hour.



Who will take this challenge? 600-700 words. I will propose the fake news story.

Heh... I think I could still do this - I had a weekly column for my college paper and would inevitably head down to the computer lab (yeah, it was that long ago) without even a topic an hour before I had to have it in to the paper. Funny thing is, the one time I actually did some upfront legwork and a couple revisions was the only time I got any negative feedback (and in retrospect, yeah - it was a cut below my usual claptrap).

And Plaschke's still waiting for that slice of pizza.

Funny thing is, the one time I actually did some upfront legwork and a couple revisions was the only time I got any negative feedback (and in retrospect, yeah - it was a cut below my usual claptrap).

I had a breakthrough in high school when I got my first straight A on an English paper the first time that I did not actually read the book. That was a valuable life lesson.

I had a breakthrough in high school when I got my first straight A on an English paper the first time that I did not actually read the book. That was a valuable life lesson.

No kidding. I did a paper once on some sort of thematic similarities between Mrs. Dalloway and Frankenstein. Which now that I think about it have very few similarities at all, but anyway.

I could barely read a word of Dalloway, but read all of Frankenstein. I had a word count to hit, and the general guideline for the class was that passages from the book counted towards that word count but any passage should be proceeded by discussion/analysis of at least equal length. So I picked a long passage at random from Dalloway, and followed with a long line-by-line stream-of-consciousness "analysis" of that passage. Then I tried seriously to write about Frankenstein.

I get the paper back a few days later. "The Frankenstein section needs work but the Dalloway section was excellent and a pleasure to read." It was far and away the highest praise I ever got from that teacher, who I actually respected a great deal.

In all seriousness, I think the average Primate could knock out a Plaschke is no more than a half an hour.

Nothing more embarrassing for a Primate than to have your mom come down to the basement and walk in on you when you're right in the middle of knocking out a Plaschke.

EDIT: Or, alternately, if it takes you half an hour to knock out a Plaschke, better lock the bathroom door.

Nothing more embarrassing for a Primate than to have your mom come down to the basement and walk in on you when you're right in the middle of knocking out a Plaschke.

Or working up a froth.

I get the paper back a few days later. "The Frankenstein section needs work but the Dalloway section was excellent and a pleasure to read."

This is also just the literature professor's love of close readings. This is why it is always better to write about a poem than a novel. And the more you concentrate in detail on the actual language, the higher your grade gets, and the less you need to know about the plot of the book. That's a win win!

I wish I knew a young man to whom I could impart this knowledge.

So I picked a long passage at random from Dalloway, and followed with a long line-by-line stream-of-consciousness "analysis" of that passage.

What better way to "analyse" Dalloway than with stream-of-consciousness? It wouldn't surprise me if your "analysis" wasn't half-bad (bu undergraduate lit studies standard).

Frankenstein -- what really is there to say other than the allegory to women's status? I don't recall it being brilliantly written or particularly stylistic. It's a bold strokes sort of novel -- easy to "analyze", hard to say anything interesting about.

Dalloway is one of two books which is a conundrum for me. I actually love Woolf's writing and the way the story is moving along -- I think my "analysis" in a lit course once consisted of me saying "I wish I could write like this" -- yet despite several attempts I never finished it. Can't really say why and finally did read the whole thing a couple years ago.

The other such book is Thomas Wolfe's "Can't go home again" which I started several times, liked what I was reading ... and completely gave up on after 150 pages or so. It's been years now since I even attempted to give it a go as I've just written it off. I think that is one where it just started to get boring and, given its length, I just couldn't carry on for whatever reason. Still strange ... I mean I've struggled through the entire turgidity (?) of Dahlgren several times just for the flashes of brilliance, how hard can it be to get through Wolfe once?

And, yes, it's only now that I've realized it's Woolf and Wolfe I've had this issue with. Clearly a wolf-phobic thing -- e.g. I've never had the desire to re-watch "who's afraid of virginia woolf" (not sure I made it all the way through). And I found Wolfman Jack very annoying. Love the wolfman movies though.

EDIT: Not a big Tom Wolfe fan either although I haven't read much.

Frankenstein -- what really is there to say other than the allegory to women's status?

Frankenstein is a great book for undergrad lit papers, because the themes and allusions and metaphors are really in your face. There's also the zillions of references to the Bible and Paradise Lost, nature vs science, obvious foreshadowing, etc. There have probably been about 12,000,000 papers written on the "The Modern Prometheus" subtitle. It is ripe for mediocre analysis!

Dalloway is one of two books which is a conundrum for me. I actually love Woolf's writing and the way the story is moving along -- I think my "analysis" in a lit course once consisted of me saying "I wish I could write like this" -- yet despite several attempts I never finished it. Can't really say why and finally did read the whole thing a couple years ago.

I am currently reading Woolf's "Flush", which is a first-person (or, dog) autobiography of Elizabeth Barrett Browning's cocker spaniel. It is beyond awesome, especially with something like "To the Lighthouse" recently in your head.

Frankenstein -- what really is there to say other than the allegory to women's status?

To start with: The ethics of science, the alienation and isolation of being one of a kind, what responsibility does a creator have for his creations (and hasn't God abandoned us like Frankenstein did his creation), is humanity ###### up or what, is love the answer or just a mirage.

I don't think Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein. There, I said it.

Worst grade I ever got in English was a review of "Oliver Twist" where I spent the word limit ragging on it for being a terminally dull 19th century social commentary.

What better way to "analyse" Dalloway than with stream-of-consciousness? It wouldn't surprise me if your "analysis" wasn't half-bad (bu undergraduate lit studies standard).

It was high school, but yeah, possibly. I wish I still had the paper so that I could read it again. I also wonder how it would far in comparison to any writing I do now; I wouldn't be surprised if it was of much higher quality.

Worst grade I ever got in English was a review of "Oliver Twist" where I spent the word limit ragging on it for being a terminally dull 19th century social commentary.

You, Sir, are a hero.

Please don't fail any drug tests and ruin our image of you.

Worst grade I ever got in English was a review of "Oliver Twist"

Were you supposed to write a review?

Also, I read Oliver Twist a few years ago, and I thought it was great. I didn't like the saccharine ending, but there are some hilarious bits in it. I like the guy that keeps threatening to eat his own head.

Also, I read Oliver Twist a few years ago, and I thought it was great. I didn't like the saccharine ending, but there are some hilarious bits in it. I like the guy that keeps threatening to eat his own head.

My house is on fire, the first things I'm grabbing from the library are my Dickens and Eliot.

(I mean, maybe, who knows.)

Dayn,

'Twas all perfecto except for that "this scribe" reference...Bill Dwyre fazed those out of Plaschke's "bag o'tricks" in the late 80s shortly after he traded a couple of white hoods to the San Diego Union for Plaschke's contract....

I teach Shakespeare to college kids. In this age of SparkNotes I generally assume 90 percent of the class doesn't bother doing the readings. I've tried methods to combat this but it seems rather pointless. I just try to take advantage of the 90 minutes I have them captive in class and hope that one or two of them go on to develop an appreciation for the literature.

I long ago gave up on the notion that my life has any purpose whatsoever.

Oh, and college kids are really REALLY stupid.

I long ago gave up on the notion that my life has any purpose whatsoever.

You never know, WJ. I was a dumb looking college kid but I not only did all my class readings but I'd read related stuff, too. I'd do nutty things like reading the Collected Shakespeare or every novel Melville wrote. I'm sure my profs had no idea what I was up to. I have to say, The Confidence Man was pretty good but Typee and Omoo...not so much..

Oh, and college kids are really REALLY stupid.

I'd stay away from a lot of the rest of the planet if I were you.

You never know, WJ. I was a dumb looking college kid but I not only did all my class readings but I'd read related stuff, too. I'd do nutty things like reading the Collected Shakespeare or every novel Melville wrote. I'm sure my profs had no idea what I was up to. I have to say, The Confidence Man was pretty good but Typee and Omoo...not so much..

Sure you get the occasional good student, but 90 percent of them are just coasting by so they can graduate with their crappy Bachelor's degrees in Education and feel like they've accomplished something. But they're better off than me. I'm the sucker who bought into the the meaningfulness of higher education such that I made it my livelihood. What a dumbass.

Oh, and college kids are really REALLY stupid.

I'd stay away from a lot of the rest of the planet if I were you.

Don't mind me; I think it's just grading fatigue. I should post some of these gems...

I've been looking for an opinion on The Confidence Man for a while. If Moby Dick is a 10 out of 10, which it is, and Typee is a 4 out of 10, which it is, what's The Confidence Man?

Oh, and college kids are really REALLY stupid.

Sounds like they are ready for the real world.

I've been looking for an opinion on The Confidence Man for a while. If Moby Dick is a 10 out of 10, which it is, and Typee is a 4 out of 10, which it is, what's The Confidence Man?

Well, I'd say Typee is like a 2 and the Confidence Man is, say, a 6. I should re-read the Confidence Man now as there's a lot of humor in it but the language was kind of a barrier for me at the time. I read much more slowly now and I pick up on a lot of dry wit I missed when I was younger and devouring books like they were potato chips.

I'm the sucker who bought into the the meaningfulness of higher education such that I made it my livelihood. What a dumbass.

The grass is not greener in the metal shop I'm currently helping to manage. Just sayin'. ;-)

I call this gem: Ur doin it wrong!

?"Concerning Lady Bertilak, it's understandable that Gawain is nervous around her. Everyone's first few sexual encounters are weird, without exception."

I have to say, The Confidence Man was pretty good but Typee and Omoo...not so much..

Omoo's biggest claim to fame is its status in the eyes of crossword enthusiasts as the most popular novel ever written.

It's right up there with Mel OTT, OONA Chaplin, and ASTA the dog.

The grass is not greener in the metal shop I'm currently helping to manage. Just sayin'. ;-)

Well, I'm fairly confident your paycheck is bigger than mine.

Well, I'm fairly confident your paycheck is bigger than mine.

Heh. I'm in Utica. No.

BUT, this is not healthy, for either of us. You are having an effect, even if you don't think you are. Courage.

Ray hates Dickens because he writes about children screwed by the system and need help.

I teach Shakespeare to college kids. In this age of SparkNotes I generally assume 90 percent of the class doesn't bother doing the readings. I've tried methods to combat this but it seems rather pointless.

A few years ago, I realized I was a cultural illiterate because somehow I had avoided having to read Hamlet. So I read it on my own.

It was great.

What throws the kids is the language. They can't relate to an idiom of another era.

Lassus,
Do you call them steamed hams?

I had a breakthrough in high school when I got my first straight A on an English paper the first time that I did not actually read the book. That was a valuable life lesson.

Tell me about it. In first form (seventh grade) I had to write about one of Alexander's battles, so I drew up (entirely made up) a half dozen diagrams showing Alexander's forces, in red, overwhelming Hadrian's (or someone's) forces, in blue. And wrote up a detailed description as well. I think I knew I was headed for the crapper in that class and decided to just really go for it. Got an "A-", which was weirder than getting an A would have been.

My house is on fire, the first things I'm grabbing from the library are my Dickens and Eliot.

Any man whose response to fire is to grab his Dickens has my admiration for clarity of purpose.

Bravo, sir. Bravo!

What throws the kids is the language. They can't relate to an idiom of another era.

Well, since someone else posted today, I'll throw this in. My daughter's HS teacher recommended "Simply Shakespeare" editions of Romeo and Juliet and Macbeth. Having looked at them, I do too. She was grateful for the "translations"; made the sledding a bit less tough.

I call this gem: Ur doin it wrong!

?"Concerning Lady Bertilak, it's understandable that Gawain is nervous around her. Everyone's first few sexual encounters are weird, without exception."

Doesn't this belong on the Jeter gift basket thread?

I call this gem: Ur doin it wrong!

?"Concerning Lady Bertilak, it's understandable that Gawain is nervous around her. Everyone's first few sexual encounters are weird, without exception."

As the fiancee of a literature professor, I can assure you that you're performing a vital service bringing humor and joy to your partner's life. At least during grading time.

I'll offer up this jewel from one of her students last year;

"Before the Civil War there was no problem with slavery because they was no Presedent to tell the people right from wrong."

I've preserved all typos and grammatical errors for posterity. Before you ask, this was a non-intro level literature course at a 4 year university, and the student was a lit major. I've seen some others that were close, but nothing quite like that masterpiece of idiocy.