Posnanski: The Cubs

“F———goat,” comedian and Cubs fan Jeff Garlin is saying, and I must admit that the quotes that follow are not as precise as I might like because it’s hard to take notes when Diet Coke is spurting out of your nose. “A goat? OK, let’s get something straight. It is not a curse to not want a goat at a baseball game, all right? That is not a curse… You know, this was a time when people dressed up. I mean nobody would let a goat into a game now, and people dress like pigs. Back then people wore suits to games, they wore hats. There wasn’t a team in baseball that would be like—‘Sure, oh yeah, the goat’s fine.’

Joe Mantegna got his first big acting job in 1969… In 1984, Mantegna was doing “Glengarry Glen Ross” on Broadway… Then, in 1989, the Cubs lost to the Giants in the playoffs, and that’s when the realization hit him: It wasn’t going to happen. Ever. He expected this realization to break his heart, but the simple truth is: It freed him. He could love the Cubs in a different way. For more than 20 years now, he has watched the Cubs and enjoyed the Cubs but he never again let the Cubs break his heart. “I hate to say this, ” he says, “but I"m walking on the dark side of the road. I know they’re not going to win. I just know it. I’ve accepted it. It’s a good feeling. It’s like I’m embracing a team that doesn’t even exist. It’s like I’m a fan of the St. Louis Browns… I just decided I’m through losing my mind. I’ve accepted the inevitable. I’ve totally surrendered.

“Understand this: The Cubs will never win. Never. But if that day ever comes where the Cubs win, I think what we should do is collectively agree to stop playing the national pastime and embrace soccer. Join the world community. See why the rest of the world is so nutty about it. That would probably bring peace of the Middle East. If the Cubs ever win, it should be for the best of the planet.

More analysis of Cubs’ history (mostly not by celebrities) in the article’s other 6,951 words.