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Sunday, June 01, 2014

Poz: Greatest Thing Ever

The Dalai Lama is not amused.

On Twitter, Jesse Lund puts up this amazing — absolutely amazing — screen shot from the Friday night broadcast of the Yankees and Twins. It may be the greatest thing ever produced by man, including Hamlet and The Godfather and chocolate cake with raspberry sauce.

Perfection in Jeteration is when you can so perfectly present over-the-top praise for the Derek Jeter that you would use the exact same graphic or story or take as satire. This is not as easy as it sounds. Many have tried, many have failed. But this is as close to perfection as we mere human beings can achieve. If Saturday Night Live was to do a skit about how absurd people are when it comes to their Derek Jeter love, this would be EXACTLY the graphic they would use, word-for-word.

JE (Jason) Posted: June 01, 2014 at 11:42 AM | 72 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: derek jeter, hype machine, joe posnanski, old coot, yankees

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   1. RMc is a fine piece of cheese Posted: June 01, 2014 at 01:01 PM (#4716835)
Link goes back to itself. I'm assuming he means this.
   2. An Athletic in Powderhorn™ Posted: June 01, 2014 at 01:19 PM (#4716843)
I think JE's link means to go here. And yes, it is pretty great.
   3. Don Malcolm Posted: June 01, 2014 at 01:29 PM (#4716848)
I think JE's original ("mistaken") link was close to the greatest thing ever--its self-referentiality mirrors Poz' own, and will prevent people from reading yet another piece of Poz posing as a pale, cut'n'pasty version of Bill James 1987.

Perhaps someone should display Poz' "scouting report' on Joe Paterno ca. 2008 to put the "absurdity principle" into its proper context.
   4. Shooty Survived the Shutdown of '14! Posted: June 01, 2014 at 01:32 PM (#4716849)
And yes, it is pretty great.

You're just jeterizing.
   5. JE (Jason) Posted: June 01, 2014 at 01:45 PM (#4716852)
I think JE's link means to go here. And yes, it is pretty great.

Yup! My bad.
   6. G.W.O. Posted: June 01, 2014 at 01:53 PM (#4716856)
Oh, Don Malcolm, you're such an iconoclast! I am in awe.

(* yawn *)
   7. Misirlou has S.C.M.O.D.S Posted: June 01, 2014 at 01:55 PM (#4716859)
My scouting report on Jeter:

1 Can turn the world on with his smile

2 Can take a nothing date, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile

3 With each glance and every little movement he shows it

I think he's going to make it after all.
   8. Zach Posted: June 01, 2014 at 02:08 PM (#4716870)
If Saturday Night Live was to do a skit about how absurd people are when it comes to their Derek Jeter love, this would be EXACTLY the graphic they would use, word-for-word.

No, they would use many more words. And repeat themselves.
   9. haggard Posted: June 01, 2014 at 02:45 PM (#4716884)
It may be great, but its not the greatest thing ever.
   10. Tom Nawrocki Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:05 PM (#4716920)
My Derek Jeter scouting report:

* Gets too hungry for dinner at eight

* Loves the theater, but never comes late

* Can't be bothered with people he hates
   11. Tom Nawrocki Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:06 PM (#4716921)
   12. cardsfanboy Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:19 PM (#4716926)
My Derek Jeter scouting report:



(1) no bright light,
(2) don't get him wet,
(3) never feed him after midnight, no matter how much he begs.
   13. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:28 PM (#4716927)
poz really needs some new material. there are other players in baseball besides jeter and pujols
   14. simon bedford Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:32 PM (#4716929)
my Jeter scouting report


1) walks into rooms like walking into a yatch
2) hat stratigically below one eye
3) girls demand to be his partner
4) probably thinks this report is about him
   15. Greg K Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:35 PM (#4716932)
poz really needs some new material. there are other players in baseball besides jeter and pujols

His 100 list has slowed to an inexorable crawl too. I suppose he has other things he does for a living, but those have been really great and more would be appreciated.
   16. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:41 PM (#4716938)
greg

i get concerned when such a good writer is trotting out the same old subjects. that's for the rick reillys of the world. not a joe p
   17. Greg K Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:48 PM (#4716941)
i get concerned when such a good writer is trotting out the same old subjects. that's for the rick reillys of the world. not a joe p

I can certainly follow that. Every week or so I'll go over to Poz's site to see if there's anything there. I generally skip ones like this because no matter who's writing I don't see how you make "Jeter's over-rated" interesting. I often think that Poz isn't writing as much as he used to, but it could be a matter of me mentally skipping over so many of his topics that it's more a case of me just not reading Poz as much as I used to.

I should reiterate that I find his 100 list great. I would definitely buy a book version, even though by the end I'll have read it all already. In an ideal world he'd write a companion piece to James' top 100 at each position. Or perhaps, just encyclopedia entries of the players he's seen in his lifetime. I think he's stronger, or at least his style is better suited, when writing about players he's seen himself.
   18. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:50 PM (#4716942)
greg

makes you wonder if he's watching any games.................
   19. Rough Carrigan Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:55 PM (#4716947)
North Korea's gov't press agency roughs up Glorious Leader with unpleasant truths more often than the YES network utters discouraging words about Jeter.
   20. Random Transaction Generator Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:59 PM (#4716948)
My Jeter scouting report:

1) He's a sex machine to all the chicks.
2) He would risk his neck for his brother man.
3) He's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about.

Jetes!
   21. RMc is a fine piece of cheese Posted: June 01, 2014 at 04:59 PM (#4716949)
Dammit #7, I was going to do that! I demand full credit! And a Coke! And a Primey! AND A $%#@ PONY...!!!
   22. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 01, 2014 at 05:01 PM (#4716954)
for my money right now the best writer on baseball is jonah keri and it's not close.

writes interesting things
writes about a variety of teams/players
writes with passion

pos is off doing somemthing but it ain't baseball. olney is too busy kissing the yankee ring. starks has disappeared in his momund of stupid trivia. when neyer writes an original thought someone let me know. sheehan is too busy grinding the ax that every fat, short bald guy carries around with them the moment they make more than $12/hr.

there are many blog writers who would qualify after keri. but among names tied to national beats it's jonah and then just an absurd gap.

it's kind of sad really. the dearth of quality baseball writing
   23. Zach Posted: June 01, 2014 at 05:02 PM (#4716955)
Moving to North Carolina and writing for a national audience dried up a lot of Posnanski's material. His strength has always been drawing out interesting stories, but

1) He doesn't have a local team any more, and
2) National baseball stories are dull and repetitive.
   24. Greg K Posted: June 01, 2014 at 05:06 PM (#4716957)
Moving to North Carolina and writing for a national audience dried up a lot of Posnanski's material.

I was trying to find a way to put this, but that's more succinct than anything I was coming up with. Poz's stuff on the Royals actually drew me into that team even though they were uniformly bad teams that I knew next to nothing about. I suppose this is what I mean about Poz being better writing about players he's seen. I don't think he can be at his best when he's watching a different team every day (or as Harvey suggests, not watching much baseball at all).
   25. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 01, 2014 at 05:07 PM (#4716958)
zach

it really is telling that save for keri nobody else even acknowledges the a's and giants. pathetic really
   26. A big pile of nonsense (gef the talking mongoose) Posted: June 01, 2014 at 05:08 PM (#4716959)
AND A $%#@ PONY...!!!


Would a slightly used centaur suffice?
   27. Zach Posted: June 01, 2014 at 05:35 PM (#4716972)
I agree, Harveys. I actually live in Berkeley right now, but it's hard to root for the A's, because there's no point of entry. They're the Designated Home Team for my residential area, but I don't know any of the personalities or histories.
   28. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 01, 2014 at 05:39 PM (#4716974)
the a's are the island of misfit toys. how is that not a great story? it writes itself
   29. Tom Nawrocki Posted: June 01, 2014 at 05:46 PM (#4716979)
John Lennon's Derek Jeter scouting report:

* He's got feet down below his knee

* Got to be good-looking cuz he's so hard to see

* Hold you in his armchair, you can feel his disease
   30. Howie Menckel Posted: June 01, 2014 at 06:01 PM (#4716987)

Now Jeter wanted trouble
You see he stand almost six foot four
All those downtown ladies call him "Treetop Lover"
All the men just call him "Sir"

And he's bad, bad at defense
The baddest SS in the whole damn town
Badder than old King Kong
And he sleeps with junkyard dogs

Now Jeter, not a gambler
But he like his fancy clothes
And he like to wave his title ringzzz
Under everybody's nose

He got a custom Continental
He got an Eldorado too
Not a 32 gun in his pocket full of fun
Nor a razor in his shoe

[Refrain]

Well Friday 'bout a week ago
Jeter not shootin' dice
And at the edge of the bar
Sat a girl named Doris {COUGH} from Rego Park
And ooh that girl looked nice

Well he cast his eyes upon her
And the trouble soon began
And Jeter had learned a lesson
'Bout a-messin' with the WFAN-callin' wife of a jealous man

[Refrain]

Well the two men took to fighting
And when they pulled them from the floor
Jeter looked like a bad defender
With a couple of WAR pts gone...

,,,,,,,,,,,

I keed, I keed
   31. JE (Jason) Posted: June 01, 2014 at 06:21 PM (#4716994)
Why did Poz move to North Carolina? Was it to be closer to Dave Cameron?
   32. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: June 01, 2014 at 06:35 PM (#4716999)
My Jeter scouting report:

1) He's a sex machine to all the chicks.
2) He would risk his neck for his brother man.
3) He's the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about.

Jetes!

shut yo mouf!!
   33. Walt Davis Posted: June 01, 2014 at 06:39 PM (#4717000)
Jeter scouting report

1. He can slice so precise he don't need no band
2. He rocks 45s and 33s
3. He rocks boys, men, women and young ladies

Also he can't go to his left.

   34. Gonfalon Bubble Posted: June 01, 2014 at 06:58 PM (#4717008)
1. He is a shortstop who shot me in my booty hole
2. He can really rock out
3. He is a shortstop to the max

DERRRRek JEEEETer
DERRRRek JEEEETer
DERRRRek JEEEETer
DERRRRek JEEEETer

Rock over London, rock over New York. Who but W.B. Mason?
   35. Rennie's Tenet Posted: June 01, 2014 at 07:09 PM (#4717012)
1) An O'Neill drama
2) Whistler's mama
3) Camembert
   36. Swoboda is freedom Posted: June 01, 2014 at 07:43 PM (#4717020)
Jeter scouting report

1. He's the Mona Lisa
2. He's the Tower of Pisa
3. He's the top.


   37. Pat Rapper's Delight Posted: June 01, 2014 at 07:44 PM (#4717021)
Well, I walk into the room
Passing out a hundred gift baskets
And it kills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill
And I buy the bar a double round of Crown
And everybody's getting down
An' this town ain't never gonna be the same.

Cause I saddle up my horse
and I ride into the city
I make a lot of noise
Cause the girls
They are so pretty
Riding up and down Broadway
on my old stud Leroy
And the girls say
Save the Horse, ride a Jeter.
Everybody says
Save the Horse, ride a Jeter.
   38. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: June 01, 2014 at 09:10 PM (#4717049)
You're the top! You're the Coliseum.
You're the top! You're the Louvre Museum.

(oh never mind)
   39. Howie Menckel Posted: June 01, 2014 at 09:26 PM (#4717053)

She'll play in crap games with sharpeis - the dogs
And she'll go to Harlem, or the Bronx, in Lincolns or Fords
And she'll wrestle in the dirt with the rest of the broads
That's why the lady is a tramp........
   40. Steve Parris, Je t'aime Posted: June 01, 2014 at 09:27 PM (#4717055)
poz really needs some new material. there are other players in baseball besides jeter and pujols

I don't think this is a fair characterization of his recent work. He's written quite a bit this season on general interest topics like pitcher wins, batting average, and the current offensive environment. Here's his feed over at NBC. He wrote an article on Jeter on Feb. 14 - since then he's had pieces on Gary Nolan, Pedro, intentional walks, and even a couple of Royals articles. Other than the linked article here I don't see anything recent on his blog on Jeter. And aside from his Top 100 post on Pujols, he hasn't written anything about him either.
   41. Srul Itza At Home Posted: June 01, 2014 at 09:48 PM (#4717061)
1. Jeter is a mammal.
2. Jeter fights ALL the time.
3. The purpose of Jeter is to flip out and kill people.
   42. Tom Nawrocki Posted: June 01, 2014 at 10:01 PM (#4717070)


1. I don't know how to love him.
2. He's just a man, only a man.
3. He scares me so.
   43. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: June 01, 2014 at 11:54 PM (#4717125)
My Derek Jeter scouting report:

1. Makes eye contact for uncomfortably long periods of time
2. Always says he'll pick up the tab, but never does
3. Smells like rainbows.
   44. Perry Posted: June 02, 2014 at 12:00 AM (#4717129)
Why did Poz move to North Carolina? Was it to be closer to Dave Cameron?


Family reasons, maybe. He considers Cleveland his hometown but his family moved to Charlotte when he was 14 and I assume his parents are still there.

I think he's still great, I agree with #40, y'all are being too hard on him.
   45. Jack of Hearts Posted: June 02, 2014 at 01:20 AM (#4717144)
Bob Dylan on reporters covering Jeter:

You walk into the room
Like a camel and then you frown
You put your eyes in your pocket
and your nose into the ground
   46. Baldrick Posted: June 02, 2014 at 02:10 AM (#4717146)
for my money right now the best writer on baseball is jonah keri and it's not close.

Jonah Keri, really? I don't read his stuff regularly so it's certainly possible he really is great. But that thing for 538 the other day was terrible. Not just dumb, but pointless, poorly written, and just all-around obnoxious. Say what you like about Poz, at least his writing is good and he draws the reader in.

What are examples of a good recent Keri piece?
   47. Gonfalon Bubble Posted: June 02, 2014 at 05:38 AM (#4717154)
1. Sabermetricians are a superstitious and cowardly lot, so Jeter's defense must be able to strike terror into their hearts.
2. He must be a lecher of the night, black, terrible...
3. A bat! That's it! Jeter used to have a bat!
   48. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 02, 2014 at 07:20 AM (#4717157)
steve

the link sent me to hardball talk but said nothing was there.

baldrick

guess we have different standards. i appreciate a writer who writes about all of baseball. not a finite series of topics.

even steve's list includes a long retired baseball player, a retired baseball player and a single team which was joe's previous beat earlier in his career.

c'mon. today's game has nothing of interest? edwin encarnacion? the blue jays leading the al east? josh donaldson? brandon moss? mike morse? jeff scrabbleboard? johnny cueto?

i could list 37 active players and 6 teams with interesting storylines.

jonah at least TRIES

everybody else is wallowing on tired topics

it's tedious
   49. Steve Parris, Je t'aime Posted: June 02, 2014 at 07:52 AM (#4717165)
the link sent me to hardball talk but said nothing was there.


That link works for me but I have noticed that the NBC links can get kooky. The URL is http://hardballtalk.nbcsports.com/author/kuiperfan/

You're right that he's not profiling the current stars, but like I said he is covering a number of general interest issues like the low scoring environment. I still enjoy him quite a bit even if his work is no longer as current as it once was. Keri is better at staying on top of things, although as [46] points out he really laid an egg with the 5th starter piece. I saw the blurb and comments here before clicking over, and was shocked to see his name in the byline.
   50. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 02, 2014 at 08:03 AM (#4717166)
steve

ok.

we all have different expectations.

and if we are going to hammer a guy for something that is believed to be poorly conceived i think joe p has a much bigger stinking egg on his resume if you know what i mean.
   51. Avoid running at all times.-S. Paige Posted: June 02, 2014 at 08:05 AM (#4717167)
Murray Chass is the best writer on baseball these days and it's not particularly close.

When I want to learn about the pulse of politics I read Peggy Noonan.

There is no writer more thought provoking than Dan Brown.

I read Malcolm Gladwell so that I can have my mind blown away.

It's impossible to be more insightful than Charles Krauthammer.

Prepare to have your world turned upside down upon encountering a Mike Lupica column.

Is there a more important thinker in the world than Oprah Winfrey? Have you heard this woman speak yet?

It's fascinating how Derek Jeter is both overrated and underrated at the same time. How is this possible?!
   52. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 02, 2014 at 08:11 AM (#4717168)
avoid

if i am supposed to feel mocked please let me know. otherwise, just confused by the post.
   53. Avoid running at all times.-S. Paige Posted: June 02, 2014 at 08:24 AM (#4717170)
Not mocking you at all harv. I like Keri a lot and probably agree with your assessment. I originally planned on writing the Murray Chass line as an absurd entry into the discussion of who is the best baseball writer out there. Then I decided to go even more absurd and think of all the writers I find to be Murray-Chass-level in the different fields.

It was funny to me but I realize that most of my posts here are self-indulgent and solopsistic. Anyway, I'm operating on very little sleep. My wife just gave birth to our first son, Oscar. In a euphoric, silly state. Forgive me.
   54. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 02, 2014 at 08:58 AM (#4717179)
svoid

congratulations! and great name. going old school. good work young man!!
   55. Avoid running at all times.-S. Paige Posted: June 02, 2014 at 09:04 AM (#4717184)
Thanks!
   56. Ron J2 Posted: June 02, 2014 at 09:38 AM (#4717201)
Congratulations Avoid!
   57. Avoid running at all times.-S. Paige Posted: June 02, 2014 at 10:06 AM (#4717216)
Thanks Ron! Anyone want to prepare a list of the best Oscars to play mlb? We'll occasionally be calling him Ozzie if that helps expand the field. As luck would have it, Oscar Tavarez was called up immediately after the birth so now I have an instant new favorite player.
   58. A big pile of nonsense (gef the talking mongoose) Posted: June 02, 2014 at 10:08 AM (#4717218)
Local product Oscar Gamble & his hair come immediately to mind.
   59. Avoid running at all times.-S. Paige Posted: June 02, 2014 at 10:18 AM (#4717225)
Thanks Ron! Anyone want to prepare a list of the best Oscars to play mlb? We'll occasionally be calling him Ozzie if that helps expand the field. As luck would have it, Oscar Tavarez was called up immediately after the birth so now I have an instant new favorite player.
   60. Ray (RDP) Posted: June 02, 2014 at 10:22 AM (#4717228)
What I would note is that the graphic has the unintended effect of mocking Jeter while trying to praise him. Because everyone knows his power is gone and that he's not somebody who is going to hurt you on a consistent basis anymore. So pointing to these BS intangibles qualities in a scouting report (???) is basically an acknowledgment that he now sucks so you're going to have to make sh!t up. I mean, what would a real scouting report say? That he is bad hitter now and his power is gone and his best bet for a hit is short right field?

Remember the silly statements players make, "Don't let Player X beat you?" Well, in that world you _have_ to make Jeter beat you.
   61. Ray (RDP) Posted: June 02, 2014 at 10:30 AM (#4717232)
I was surprised to learn recently that Jeter was basically done as an effective player after age 35. Just 5 WAR after age 35. If you don't accept his b-r defense then it's 10 oWAR but even if his "true" value was something like 7 or 8 WAR, in 511 games (2367 PA) that's not really helping that much.
   62. RMc is a fine piece of cheese Posted: June 02, 2014 at 10:36 AM (#4717239)
The company that makes the Primeys has officially asked me to close this thread, before they run out of trophies.
   63. The Polish Sausage Racer Posted: June 02, 2014 at 11:49 AM (#4717319)
Yet another scouting report heard from:

1. Derek Jetes was a man, was a big man, with an eye like an eagle and as tall as a shortstop was he.
2. Derek Jetes was a man, was a big man, he was brave he was fearless, and tough enough to Lambeau Leap.
3. From the Yankees cap on the top of old Jetes, to the heel of his Jordans shoe, the rippinest roarinest ladiesest man that Manhattan ever knew.
4. Derek Jetes was a man, yes a big man, and he fought for America to make all Americans free [just don't go to the men's room during God Bless America].
5. What a Jetes, what a Jeter, what a Derek Jeter was he.
   64. dr. scott Posted: June 02, 2014 at 11:50 AM (#4717321)
Zach. Take Bart to a game. Sit in the second level behind first base (just a section or two to the right or left of first if you want a great chance at foul balls) and feel the love for the A's.... or if you really want to experience the A's... go to the bleachers and hang out with the crazy flag and drum people. My wife wont let me buy those seats anymore.
   65. villageidiom Posted: June 02, 2014 at 12:11 PM (#4717348)
1. Make a batter's box
2. Put your Jetes in the box
3. Have her open the box
   66. The Id of SugarBear Blanks Posted: June 02, 2014 at 12:55 PM (#4717387)
Anyway, I'm operating on very little sleep. My wife just gave birth to our first son, Oscar. In a euphoric, silly state. Forgive me.

Fantastic. Congrats!
   67. Greg K Posted: June 02, 2014 at 01:59 PM (#4717452)
I was surprised to learn recently that Jeter was basically done as an effective player after age 35. Just 5 WAR after age 35. If you don't accept his b-r defense then it's 10 oWAR but even if his "true" value was something like 7 or 8 WAR, in 511 games (2367 PA) that's not really helping that much.

That's not too bad is it? I would think that's about what you'd expect from a Hall of Fame calibre player. You've got notorious late career bloomers like Winfield and Molitor with 16 oWAR after the age of 35. Among recent shortstops Cal Ripken had 7.1, Larkin had 7.0. Guys like Yount and Trammell were more or less done after 35. Ozzie Smith seems like the big exception, as he had 11.9 oWAR after the age of 35 (and that could understate his value as I expect most 35+ SS are giving back value with the glove, but Smith may not have been).
   68. villageidiom Posted: June 02, 2014 at 04:39 PM (#4717616)
1. Jeter travelled all through the land
2. His hitting made him friends to beat the band
3. His jump-throw was their favorite brand
4. Everyone wanted to shake his hand
   69. villageidiom Posted: June 02, 2014 at 04:49 PM (#4717624)
Jeter Scouting Report

1. If I were you I'd take precaution
2. He'll drive you out of your mind
3. Never trust a big butt and a smile
   70. PASTE Thinks This Trout Kid Might Be OK (Zeth) Posted: June 02, 2014 at 08:46 PM (#4717757)
What I would note is that the graphic has the unintended effect of mocking Jeter while trying to praise him. Because everyone knows his power is gone and that he's not somebody who is going to hurt you on a consistent basis anymore. So pointing to these BS intangibles qualities in a scouting report (???) is basically an acknowledgment that he now sucks so you're going to have to make sh!t up. I mean, what would a real scouting report say? That he is bad hitter now and his power is gone and his best bet for a hit is short right field?


My initial reaction was that some internet-savvy intern somewhere is having a joke at Jeter's expense.
   71. Eric J can SABER all he wants to Posted: June 03, 2014 at 06:32 PM (#4718382)
With immaculate timing, based on this thread...

Poz on the A's.
   72. Harveys Wallbangers Posted: June 03, 2014 at 08:19 PM (#4718424)
eric

thanks. i will take full credit for the article

ha, ha

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