Baseball Primer Newsblog
— The Best News Links from the Baseball Newsstand
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
I walk out of the bathroom and never tell anybody what I saw. I try hard to think the best, but whatever chemical residue is in that particular syringe, there’s no denying the scope of the wreckage caused by needles around baseball, and by all the artificially fueled feats that came with them. I know two things about performance-enhancing drugs: they are pervasive, and I hate them, because they have hurt the game, and hurt me too. How many long balls hit by juicers would’ve died on the track and gotten me out of an inning if not for the extra muscle? How many balls muscled over the infield would’ve wound up in guys’ gloves? I will never know. Nobody will. I don’t stay up nights thinking about it. I don’t forget the sight of the syringe on the bathroom floor, either.
The babysitter has her way with me four or five more times that summer, and into the fall, and each time feels more wicked than the time before. Every time that I know I’m going back over there, the sweat starts to come back. I sit in the front seat of the car, next to my mother, anxiety surging. I never tell her why I am so afraid. I never tell anyone until I am 31 years old.
I just keep my terrible secret, keep it all inside, the details of what went on, and the hurt of a little boy who is scared and ashamed and believes he has done something terribly wrong, but doesn’t know what that is.
The entire excerpt is well worth the read. It isn’t very long and it is captivating.
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