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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

Ranking MLB Managers…by Handsomeness

All week I’ve half-jokingly noted that Brad Ausmus is a handsome, handsome man. As a result of that, people have asked me which manager is next handsome. And next handsome. And next handsome after that. And who’s the least handsome manager too. So, inevitably, it has come to this: a list ranking the managerial beefcake…

1. Brad Ausmus:... There are factions of female baseball fans who have been beating the Ausmus drum for years in various places on the Internet. He is probably the best looking manager in the history of baseball.

30. Clint Hurdle: None of us are ever as bad as our worst days make us out to be. But some people’s worst days are worse than others.[/bq]

So Craig Calcaterra and base ball chick are one and the same apparently.

Jose Can Still Seabiscuit Posted: December 10, 2013 at 08:20 PM | 37 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: astros, managers, not that there's anything wrong with that, tigers

Reader Comments and Retorts

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   1. Sleepy supports unauthorized rambling Posted: December 10, 2013 at 09:52 PM (#4615604)
That said: when I tweeted about Ausmus over the weekend what I assume to be the entire female population of Cardinal Nation responded to me to tell me I’m wrong. Easily The Best Fans of Handsome Cardinals Managers in Baseball. They ogle managers The Right Way.


Awesome.
   2. I Am Not a Number Posted: December 10, 2013 at 10:10 PM (#4615616)
You know it's the off-season when...
   3. JE (Jason Epstein) Posted: December 10, 2013 at 10:25 PM (#4615625)
Where have you gone, Charlie Manuel?
   4. The Yankee Clapper Posted: December 10, 2013 at 10:27 PM (#4615626)
There are factions of female baseball fans who have been beating the Ausmus drum for years in various places on the Internet.

A one-person sample may have overly influenced whatever "research" went into this article.
   5. PreservedFish Posted: December 10, 2013 at 10:43 PM (#4615638)
As a balding man, I don't understand the comments on Matt Williams and Terry Francona. Shaving your entire dome is not "embracing baldness," it's (usually) a way of pretending that you have made a stylistic choice to be bald. Rocking the horseshoe, like Roenicke, shows more confidence.
   6. puck Posted: December 10, 2013 at 10:43 PM (#4615639)
30. Clint Hurdle: None of us are ever as bad as our worst days make us out to be. But some people’s worst days are worse than others.

What does he have against enormous jawbones?
   7. base ball chick Posted: December 10, 2013 at 10:47 PM (#4615641)
allow lil ol ME to do this list thingy, seeing as how i'm the only actual female around here

1 - bradley awesomeness.


other men? whqat other men???

- oh, by the way, chromedome is HOTTTTTTTTTTT
matt williams is not
   8. SouthSideRyan Posted: December 10, 2013 at 10:49 PM (#4615646)
It's a shame LaRussa wasn't around for this article.

BRAAAAAAAAAAAAINS
   9. Bitter Calculus Instructor Posted: December 10, 2013 at 11:02 PM (#4615655)
Looking at the top two, it looks like being a light hitting, gold glove catcher leads to being an attractive manager.
   10. salvomania Posted: December 10, 2013 at 11:16 PM (#4615661)
Yikes, the Ausmus photo in TFA doesn't do him any favors... he looks to have beady eyes, too closely spaced, making him look like kind of a dopey street punk.

He sort of has a bit of a monkey look, too, with those ears.

The fact that his eyebrows stop short of a vertical line defined by the inner edge of his eyes is also less than optimal, making him look unconfident, questioning... you want to have an eyebrow that goes just past the edge of that line.

Also, the distance between his eyes and his mouth seems unusually long, I think because he has a large upper lip (not the actual lip proper, but the "moustache area").
   11. base ball chick Posted: December 10, 2013 at 11:53 PM (#4615678)
salvo

sorry honey

you can't dissect HOTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTness
   12. Ray (RDP) Posted: December 10, 2013 at 11:56 PM (#4615680)
As ever, much of this has to do with age. The managers in their 40s will generally look better than the managers in their 50s and 60s.

Hurdle for one was a good looking guy 30 years ago. See his 1978 SI cover, for example. Even now his problem is that he's fatter (pumpkin head) and orange-faced (pumpkin hue), not necessarily that he's ugly. But yeah he's got something odd going on with his jaw.

Not sure what Sandberg is doing at 8. He was good looking in his youth but now in his 50s he looks old.

Terry Collins actually should be ranked much higher.

This article was more fun than I thought it'd be. And I realized that out of the 30 managers I had never seen photos or video of the following:

Yost
Porter (didn't even know he is black)
Redmond
Roenicke
Price
Renteria



   13. Misirlou is on hiding to nowhere Posted: December 11, 2013 at 12:12 AM (#4615686)
Porter (didn't even know he is black)


Only learned that from the video where he made an illegal pitching change upholded by the umpires.
   14. Squash Posted: December 11, 2013 at 12:18 AM (#4615687)
Hurdle still has great hair as I recall.

I don't know what a surprising number of managers look like either.
   15. JJ1986 Posted: December 11, 2013 at 12:24 AM (#4615689)
I'm not sure what Price looks like and I only remember Redmond and Renteria from their playing days.

I was sure that Ned Yost used to have a mustache when he managed the Brewers, but I think I must have been confusing him with Phil Garner. Royals-Yost has always looked to me like a guy who should have a 'stache.
   16. The Yankee Clapper Posted: December 11, 2013 at 01:05 AM (#4615704)
. . . his problem is that he's fatter (pumpkin head) and orange-faced (pumpkin hue) . . .

Racist.
   17. STEAGLES is all out of bubblegum Posted: December 11, 2013 at 02:01 AM (#4615718)
Not sure what Sandberg is doing at 8. He was good looking in his youth but now in his 50s he looks old.
he has kind of a bruce campbell type thing going on.

also, have you seen his competition?

also, bruce bochy is criminally underrated here. who wouldn't want to go for a moustache ride on that?
   18. vivaelpujols Posted: December 11, 2013 at 02:33 AM (#4615724)
The fact that his eyebrows stop short of a vertical line defined by the inner edge of his eyes is also less than optimal, making him look unconfident, questioning... you want to have an eyebrow that goes just past the edge of that line.

Also, the distance between his eyes and his mouth seems unusually long, I think because he has a large upper lip (not the actual lip proper, but the "moustache area").


What in the #### are you talking about?
   19. Cooper Nielson Posted: December 11, 2013 at 02:50 AM (#4615726)
I agree, this was a lot more fun than I thought it would be. Good job, Craig!
   20. Curse of the Andino Posted: December 11, 2013 at 05:03 AM (#4615737)
So, Brady Anderson should manage, yes?
   21. Barnaby Jones Posted: December 11, 2013 at 05:14 AM (#4615738)
Hurdle for one was a good looking guy 30 years ago. See his 1978 SI cover, for example.


I dunno, he looks pretty doofy in that picture. And other ones.
   22. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: December 11, 2013 at 05:53 AM (#4615740)
   23. BDC Posted: December 11, 2013 at 09:40 AM (#4615771)
It's actually kind of interesting, because aside from the occasional manager who is Ron-Washington hideous, most are fairly good-looking. This probably has something to do with the general correlation between looks and success, but also something to do with the modern media role of managers. I reckon they've gotten better-looking as the years go by. One thinks of the archetypal manager as looking like Casey Stengel, ghastly with age, but Stengel even in his youth looked like a getaway driver for a gang of bank robbers. The young managers today are mostly hunks.
   24. What did Billy Ripken have against ElRoy Face? Posted: December 11, 2013 at 10:49 AM (#4615806)
#10 - Man, you guys really do try to bring quantitative analysis and advanced metrics to everything around here, don't you? What's his HAR?
   25. Rickey! In a van on 95 south... Posted: December 11, 2013 at 11:01 AM (#4615813)
I too assumed "Bo Porter" was an overweight former white catcher. I was also unaware that Mike Redmond had become a manager.

Then again, yesterday word came out that the Braves were interested in "free agent starter Jason Hammel" which led me to discover the existence of six year MLB veteran "Jason Hammel." I suspect I may not be following the game as closely as I once did...
   26. Jesse Barfield's Right Arm Posted: December 11, 2013 at 11:02 AM (#4615816)
This whole Eaton thing is very annoying for any Phillies fan. He was on the g-darn team twice (well, once as a prospect); do we really need to hear about another guy with the same name playing for the next 15 years? Forget the initial thing - I think he has to change his name. New rule: any player that collects more than $14M while posting back to back -1 WAR seasons has their name banished from MLB for 20 years.

I'm just praying that there are no up-and-coming Danny Tartabuls or Freddy Garcias lurking about in the minors or high school fields.
   27. Ray (RDP) Posted: December 11, 2013 at 01:08 PM (#4615908)
It's actually kind of interesting, because aside from the occasional manager who is Ron-Washington hideous, most are fairly good-looking. This probably has something to do with the general correlation between looks and success, but also something to do with the modern media role of managers.


I think it simply has to do with the fact that major league baseball players for the most part have to stay in shape, and so they're generally fit through to the end of their playing career. So whereas the normal dude (especially one who gets married) lets himself go at 25 or 30, the typical MLB player doesn't face that until 30 or 35 or 40. And generally is accustomed to a fit lifestyle anyway, so when he is 45 or 50 or 55 he is generally in better shape than the average guy at that age, because he had to keep it up longer and better than the average guy. (Except it does get hard because if the player no longer is getting regular exercise even maintaining the same diet - which is probably unlikely - will cause him to gain weight.)
   28. Booey Posted: December 11, 2013 at 01:16 PM (#4615914)
I'm always amused by the term "movie star handsome." Steve Buscemi, Morgan Freeman, Ron Pearlman, and Danny Trejo are all movie stars...

So yeah, I'm movie star handsome too! :-)
   29. Yeaarrgghhhh Posted: December 11, 2013 at 01:26 PM (#4615921)
Who wins a handsome-off between Brads Ausmus and Cooper?
   30. TDF, situational idiot Posted: December 11, 2013 at 01:26 PM (#4615924)
As a balding man, I don't understand the comments on Matt Williams and Terry Francona. Shaving your entire dome is not "embracing baldness," it's (usually) a way of pretending that you have made a stylistic choice to be bald. Rocking the horseshoe, like Roenicke, shows more confidence.
I've been "balding" since I was 20, and had the Roenicke look by the time I was 30.

I started shaving my head about 10 years ago simply because it was both a lot cheaper and a lot easier than any alternative except the "crazy homeless guy" look.
   31. Rickey! In a van on 95 south... Posted: December 11, 2013 at 01:33 PM (#4615930)
This whole Eaton thing is very annoying for any Phillies fan. He was on the g-darn team twice (well, once as a prospect); do we really need to hear about another guy with the same name playing for the next 15 years? Forget the initial thing - I think he has to change his name. New rule: any player that collects more than $14M while posting back to back -1 WAR seasons has their name banished from MLB for 20 years.


At the risk of being tarred and feathered as racist or something, I find this to be less of an issue with Latino names and more annoying/confusing with traditional Anglo-American names. Like, it doesn't really register with me that Fausto Carmona is now "the new Roberto Hernandez" or that there was a relief pitcher version of Javier Lopez, right? I mean, I understand why "Roberto Hernandez" might want to change his name to Fausto Carmona, even outside of getting a better signing bonus. I mean, *Fausto.* Sounds hot. Roberto? Sounds like your brother's loser buddy from high school.

But it's way more confusing to have two Adam Eatons. That's why I appreciate Giancarlo releasing the rights to "Mike Stanton" again.
   32. AROM Posted: December 11, 2013 at 01:47 PM (#4615949)
I think it simply has to do with the fact that major league baseball players for the most part have to stay in shape, and so they're generally fit through to the end of their playing career. So whereas the normal dude (especially one who gets married) lets himself go at 25 or 30, the typical MLB player doesn't face that until 30 or 35 or 40. And generally is accustomed to a fit lifestyle anyway, so when he is 45 or 50 or 55 he is generally in better shape than the average guy at that age, because he had to keep it up longer and better than the average guy. (Except it does get hard because if the player no longer is getting regular exercise even maintaining the same diet - which is probably unlikely - will cause him to gain weight.)


Ballplayers have to stay in shape, but they also have a big leg up on the rest of us in genetics. Well, most of them at least. John Kruk can look like your typical slob and yet have the freak hand/eye coordination to bat .300.

   33. Belfry Bob Posted: December 11, 2013 at 03:33 PM (#4616071)
As a balding man, I don't understand the comments on Matt Williams and Terry Francona. Shaving your entire dome is not "embracing baldness," it's (usually) a way of pretending that you have made a stylistic choice to be bald. Rocking the horseshoe, like Roenicke, shows more confidence.


Totally disagree. I have lots of friends who would NEVER give up 'the horseshoe' simply because they want to hold on to every vestige of hair they have. Shaving your head takes MUCH more confidence than not doing so, mostly because you are going to attract attention that you otherwise wouldn't, for better or worse.

Though I realize some guys just can't pull off the total skin look, I do know this - since I decided to forgo the 'horseshoe' some ten years ago (I just turned 61,and had been dealing with pattern baldness since I was 35ish) I attracted a lot more female interest. Though there are those who feel that a bald head is a deal-breaker, to my surprise and ultimate joy, there are many other women who find it really sexy.
   34. Der-K: Hipster doofus Posted: December 11, 2013 at 03:40 PM (#4616084)
I've wondered: how much hair do you have to lose before shaving is the right choice and how much does this vary by body type (shaved works better when you're thin)?
   35. Baseballs Most Beloved Figure Posted: December 11, 2013 at 07:35 PM (#4616308)
How can you guys not know what these managers look like? Don't you watch games?
   36. Belfry Bob Posted: December 11, 2013 at 11:37 PM (#4616395)
I've wondered: how much hair do you have to lose before shaving is the right choice and how much does this vary by body type (shaved works better when you're thin)?


I think that anytime you see the retreat in full flourish, it's okay to go for it. As far as body type, I think it depends more on your head than your body. Some guys just have ugly misshapen heads, and then there's the ears - if they stick out, you don't look good sans hair. I agree it looks more 'sophisticated' on a thinner guy, but I am a ex-college footballer with broad shoulders...though I look like a bouncer with my head shaved, that's not necessarily a bad look.
   37. stevegamer Posted: December 12, 2013 at 02:20 AM (#4616463)
My fiancee loves the bald look, on our first date, she was disappointed I had more hair than she saw in my online dating profile picture. Basically shaving your head comes down to three things, per her:

1. Shape and smoothness of head - lots of dents or bad "shape " in general won't look too good.

2. Ears. Yogi Berra ears wouldn't really look good bald. Of course, I'm confident Yogi could pull it off, because well, he's Yogi.

3. Eyebrows/facial hair. When you shave your head, that will be what tips your hair color, and how much hair you could have, in theory. The bald/goatee look has been popular at times, but I know that women really hate crazy eyebrows, and it supposedly ruins the smooth bald look. Or so I've been told by her, my ex, and women at the haircut place (when I can't or won't do it myself).

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