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Monday, June 25, 2012

Schur: Requiem for a Hardass

Valentine: “I had him traded, because THIS.  MUST.  ALL.  END.”

A lot of winning baseball teams have one guy on their team who’s kind of a dick… The 1990s Yankees had Paul O’Neill, who was probably the greatest possible match of attitude and city (New York will embrace a winning hardass like no other town).² But second to New York and Paulie O’Intensity, in the modern era, are Kevin Youkilis and the 2004-12 Red Sox.

² Remember, this is the city where Jimmy Connors once called a chair umpire “an abortion,” twice, during this nation’s national tennis championship, and wasn’t given so much as a warning. Or even a “Could you please stop calling me an abortion, sir?”

... Kevin Youkilis is one of the most oddly shaped human beings in professional athletics. His torso is giant and cylindrical — he looks like a cartoon poor person wearing a barrel. He is completely bald — like, aggressively bald, like he hates hair — except for a fiery red goatee bush that tumbles out of his face like Play-Doh from a fun factory. When he hits, he stands with his feet so close together the ump could tip him over with one quick index-finger jab to the sternum — an action that must have been tempting for many umps over the years — and as he raises the bat above his head and aims the barrel back toward the pitcher in a manner any Little League coach would surely curtail (“No, Kevin, not like that, that’s all wrong … just … is your dad here? I need to talk to him”), his hands are a foot apart on the handle of the bat, and he then slowly slides them toward each other as the pitcher moves through his delivery. It’s f***ing insane. (“Kevin? Buddy? Hands together, buddy. See? Like this? … Is your dad here?”) From this stevedore’s frame, alopecic head, and just completely goofy stance came a truly elite ballplayer. Who is also kind of a dick…

Red Sox fans I think maybe love Youkilis a little more than other teams love their version of this guy. Because the truth is, in 2004, when Youkilis debuted, Boston desperately needed a dick on their team…

I’m very sorry to see him go. I really love the guy. All Red Sox fans love him. And White Sox fans will love him, too, by the way, because I guarantee you he is so pissed at being traded he is going to go on a 1.100 OPS run from now until he gets hurt again. Which will be in mid-August.

The District Attorney Posted: June 25, 2012 at 07:24 PM | 21 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: kevin youkilis, michael schur, red sox, white sox

Reader Comments and Retorts

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   1. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: June 25, 2012 at 10:40 PM (#4166258)
it's funny he says "hardass" and "dick" when he means (in baseball terms) "redass"

famous (and valuable) redasses:

Lou Gehrig (oh yes he was)

Jackie Robinson

Frank Robinson

Thurman Munson

   2. Ray (RDP) Posted: June 25, 2012 at 11:10 PM (#4166270)
Ever notice how many tv show episode titles have the word "requiem" in them?
   3. Bob Meta-Meusel Posted: June 25, 2012 at 11:29 PM (#4166279)
famous (and valuable) redasses:

Lou Gehrig (oh yes he was)

Jackie Robinson

Frank Robinson

Thurman Munson


Lefty Grove
   4. Jolly Old St. Nick Still Gags in October Posted: June 25, 2012 at 11:31 PM (#4166281)
famous (and valuable) redasses:

Lou Gehrig (oh yes he was)

Jackie Robinson

Frank Robinson

Thurman Munson


The Stengel Yankees were loaded with them, most famously Hank Bauer, Gene Woodling, Vic Raschi and Allie Reynolds, and later Enos Slaughter. Ralph Houk was a redass with splinters from sitting on the bench, and Billy Martin was more like a thug.
   5. Gold Star - just Gold Star Posted: June 26, 2012 at 12:54 AM (#4166315)
Lefty Grove
"And to hell with you, too, Robert."
   6. SoSHially Unacceptable Posted: June 26, 2012 at 01:04 AM (#4166319)
Red Sox fans I think maybe love Youkilis a little more than other teams love their version of this guy. Because the truth is, in 2004, when Youkilis debuted, Boston desperately needed a dick on their team…


Was his colossal dickery already evident during his 72-game stint as a rookie in 2004 and I just missed it?

Regardless, the Sox decided they didn't need it desperately enough for the ALCS or the World Series, but I'm sure the two at bats he got in the ALDS provided a certain dick aftertaste that could carry a club through an entire postseason.



   7. Greg K Posted: June 26, 2012 at 06:24 AM (#4166345)
Ever notice how many tv show episode titles have the word "requiem" in them?

Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing Requiem?
   8. Jolly Old St. Nick Still Gags in October Posted: June 26, 2012 at 06:42 AM (#4166351)
Did you know that Mozart died while he was writing Requiem?

And did you know that Mozart went into a huge amount of debt because he was such a hopelessly bad billiards player?
   9. Greg K Posted: June 26, 2012 at 07:27 AM (#4166358)
And did you know that Mozart went into a huge amount of debt because he was such a hopelessly bad billiards player?

Seeing as that wasn't in the movie, of course not!

You're quite the Bob Cobb
   10. Jolly Old St. Nick Still Gags in October Posted: June 26, 2012 at 08:45 AM (#4166394)
But that would be illegal----my name is "The Maestro".
   11. TerpNats Posted: June 26, 2012 at 10:30 AM (#4166492)
Youk and A.J. on the same roster...a lot of redass on the South Side.
   12. Rants Mulliniks Posted: June 26, 2012 at 11:46 AM (#4166601)
Well Schur is right, I can't think of an ML player I hate more than Youk. Its mostly because of his "Watch me as I take a #### after being constipated for a week" batting stance.
   13. phredbird Posted: June 26, 2012 at 12:42 PM (#4166668)
almost everybody on the old gas house gang was a redass.
   14. What Zupcic? Posted: June 26, 2012 at 01:21 PM (#4166734)
Regardless, the Sox decided they didn't need it desperately enough for the ALCS or the World Series, but I'm sure the two at bats he got in the ALDS provided a certain dick aftertaste that could carry a club through an entire postseason.


He was on the roster for both those series though right? I'm sure if he just spread boogers on bat handles and peed in the water cooler, that would be more than enough dickmosphere for a winning team.
   15. ellsbury my heart at wounded knee Posted: June 26, 2012 at 01:22 PM (#4166736)
Youk and A.J. on the same roster...a lot of redass on the South Side.


Is AJ really a redass? I thought he was more of a dick than a redass. I think of redasses as generally pretty humorless and angry on the field, while I imagine AJ as not so much humorless, but just mean-spirited.
   16. SoSH U at work Posted: June 26, 2012 at 01:26 PM (#4166745)
He was on the roster for both those series though right?


Yes for the WS, no for the ALCS.

   17. Walt Davis Posted: June 26, 2012 at 05:07 PM (#4167104)
The Red Sox need a new redass? Do you know who's ass is so red it's downright magenta? Alfonso Soriano.
   18. cardsfanboy Posted: June 26, 2012 at 05:13 PM (#4167108)
Is AJ really a redass? I thought he was more of a dick than a redass. I think of redasses as generally pretty humorless and angry on the field, while I imagine AJ as not so much humorless, but just mean-spirited.


The Cardinals redass is Carpenter, not sure I would qualify him as a dick. Aj is a dick through and through.

The Red Sox need a new redass? Do you know who's ass is so red it's downright magenta? Alfonso Soriano


I've always imagined Soriano as the anti-redass. (and don't the Red Sox need that more?)
   19. phredbird Posted: June 26, 2012 at 06:20 PM (#4167158)
The Red Sox need a new redass? Do you know who's ass is so red it's downright magenta? Alfonso Soriano


I've always imagined Soriano as the anti-redass. (and don't the Red Sox need that more?)


i do believe the gentleman is insinuating that mr. soriano is available.
   20. The Chronicles of Reddick Posted: June 26, 2012 at 06:24 PM (#4167163)
I think Ty Cobb was the ultimate red-ass although he would have been considered more psychotic had he played today. Albert "Joey" Belle was another one.
   21. Walt Davis Posted: June 27, 2012 at 06:00 AM (#4167474)
I've always imagined Soriano as the anti-redass

Such is the beauty of the Great Alfonso -- he truly is all things to all people. He is whatever you wish him to be.* He is the karma chameleon.

*We're Cub fans. We assume we won't get what we wish for. So we wish for stupid #### like mediocre OFs on huge contracts hoping the Gods screw up and give us somebody good. That's how we got Sandberg. Oh wait, that wasn't the gods, that was the Phillies.

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