Good morning 2009 graduates,

What a beautiful day it is. Makes me wish I could be watching my beloved Brewers but, as Ernie Banks advised, I am "playing two" today -- I've got to wrap this up in 10 minutes so I can speak at the UW-Stevens Point commencement.

As I look out on these bright young faces, I think of how fortunate I am to run a sport that epitomizes America. And not just America, but also several poverty-ridden Caribbean and Latin American countries. So I should say the Americas. And don't forget Japan and Korea. And how about that World Baseball Classic, huh? Do you remember where you were when the Netherlands upset the Dominican Republic? That's what makes America great.

Also a controlled labour market. If I have one word of advice for young grads of today, it's that when you move on in life, enjoy great success and own your own business, you must do your best to make sure that you don't have to pay your labour the market rate until they've worked for you for 6 years. And make sure they can't work for anyone but you.

And government handouts. If I have one word of advice for the entrepreneurs of tomorrow, it's to make sure that the government finances most of your infrastructure. That's where the real money is at. And luxury boxes. Well, I guess I don't need to tell a bunch of upper-middle-class kids at a state university anything about government handouts.

And, finally, I can't stress this piece of advice enough -- if you take one thing away from this speech, it should be this -- there's nothing more American than revenue sharing. What you want to do is set up a system where you can just sit back and let the NY Yankees earn millions of dollars for you even though you live in Florida. Trust me, it's an even better scam than ethanol subsidies.

In closing, let me add that the video and audio of this speech will be available in 10 minutes to MLB TV subscribers.

Thank you. God Bless. And go Brewers!

Primey for #1.

"What the f#@k happened to your baseball team?!"

Wisconsin U.?

My commencement speaker was Cokie Roberts. She sucked, but I still might take her over Selig.

William Safire spoke at my college graduation. A good and mercifully brief address.

University of Wisconsin, not Wisconsin U.

Primey forever in number one. He got basically everything.