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Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Steve Phillips Had an Affair with an ESPN Production Assistant Who Went Fatal Attraction on Him

Bunny brief boiler!

ESPN analyst Steve Phillips had a fling with a 22-year-old production assistant, who, after being dumped, taunted his wife with “Fatal Attraction”-like phone calls and a letter that bragged about her sexcapades with Phillips while taking pot shots at their “loveless marriage,” The Post has learned.

The former Met general manager, whose tenure with the team was rocked by admissions of infidelity, confessed to his wife and local cops that he had slept with ESPN assistant Brooke Hundley several times this past summer before dumping her.

In retaliation, the jilted young woman repeatedly phoned Phillips’ wife, Marni, saying, “We both can’t have him!” an explosive police report claims.

“I have extreme concerns about the health and safety of my kids and myself,” Steve Phillips said in a police statement, adding that the woman became “obsessive and delusional” after he dumped her.

Repoz Posted: October 21, 2009 at 11:39 AM | 465 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: announcers, television

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   1. Leroy Kincaid Posted: October 21, 2009 at 11:57 AM (#3360595)
Sounds like someone's jealous of all the attention Letterman is getting.
   2. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:17 PM (#3360601)
"Over a three-week span, I had a total of three sexual encounters with her," Phillips said in his police filing. "Those were the only times I spent any time alone with her."

He said his rejection of Hundley was "met by varying degrees of disappointment and hurt; more than was appropriate based on what the relationship was."


No kidding! Why get so worked up about Steve when Jon and Joe are also in the booth?
   3. NJ in DC (Now with Wife!) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:20 PM (#3360602)
Shocking news.
   4. Mr. J. Penny Smoltzuzaka Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:24 PM (#3360604)
In the letter, Hundley details her affair with Phillips, and mentions "a big birthmark on his crotch . . . and one on his left inner thigh, so you know I'm not being fake."


When Phillips' wife gets done with him the only thing left on his crotch is going to be a big birthmark.
   5. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:26 PM (#3360607)
Brooke Hundley

Anyone else imagining Todd Hundley in heels and a blonde wig here?
   6. Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:27 PM (#3360608)
Fellas, fellas, fella. Don't #### where you eat.
   7. Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:27 PM (#3360609)
Anyone else imagining Todd Hundley in heels and a blonde wig here?

Clearly Phillips has a thing for Hundleys...
   8. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:30 PM (#3360611)
The World Wide Leader can't be thrilled that the New York Post broke the story about the behavior of one of its employees.
   9. The Yankee Clapper Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:36 PM (#3360615)
The Post story helpfully links to the full text of the letter the woman sent to Phillips' wife. That's never a good thing. Not surprisingly, the story also reports that Phillips' wife is in the process of divorcing him and he has already deeded over the house to her.

Who gets fired at ESPN? Probably both, at least in the non-renewal of contract sense.
   10. depletion Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:36 PM (#3360616)
She became livid when she learned Phillips was bringing in Mel Rojas to mop up.
   11. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:39 PM (#3360618)
Don't #### where you eat.


And you especially don't #### where I eat.
   12. bob gee Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:44 PM (#3360620)
so let's get this straight...

phillips is a terrible gm.

phillips is a terrible announcer.

phillips is terrible with baseball ideas.

phillips is a terrible husband / father.

phillips is a terrible human being.

any others i'm missing?
   13. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:45 PM (#3360621)
yeah--he has a horseshit haircut, too
   14. Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:45 PM (#3360622)
And you especially don't #### where I eat.

I work with a guy who will actually eat from a bag of Doritos while he's doing his business at the urinal. (He's done this many times, so it wasn't just a one-off.) We live in interesing times.
   15. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:50 PM (#3360628)
I work with a guy who will actually eat from a bag of Doritos while he's doing his business at the urinal.


Hmmm, you have to wonder why he even bothers to walk all the way to the men's room. Far easier to eat the Doritos at his desk while peeing in a cup.
   16. Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine Posted: October 21, 2009 at 12:57 PM (#3360631)
Hmmm, you have to wonder why he even bothers to walk all the way to the men's room. Far easier to eat the Doritos at his desk while peeing in a cup.

The vending machine is near the entrance to the bathroom, but he always goes to the vending machine and THEN the bathroom. I've actually asked him why he doesn't just reverse the process and I get a blank stare. At our holiday dinner, I got really drunk and told the guy's wife he ate Doritos in the john and I guess even she couldn't shame and nag him to correction. And no, he doesn't wash his hands, either. Any communal food in the office gets tossed if he even gets close to it. A vendor sent us one of those big tins of flavored popcorns last year and he ruined it within a minute of us unsealing the plastic wrap.

You know what, I hate my ####### job. I'm depressed now. Thanks a lot!
   17. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:03 PM (#3360634)
The vending machine is near the entrance to the bathroom.

Let me guess: you work for a fledgling paper company in Scranton?

At our holiday dinner, I got really drunk and told the guy's wife he ate Doritos in the john and I guess even she couldn't shame and nag him to correction.

When you mentioned getting really drunk, I was sure that the sentence was heading in a completely different direction! Whew!

You know what, I hate my ####### job. I'm depressed now. Thanks a lot!

Hey, at least it's not Monday! Hang in there!
   18. RB in NYC (Now Semi-Retired from BBTF) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:04 PM (#3360635)
There's a guy in my office who goes into the bathroom, very carefully washes his hands, does his business, then leaves. I have never said anything, but this never fails to baffe me.
   19. rr Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:05 PM (#3360636)
Shooty, you write fiction, yeah? The Doritos/urinal guy has the makings of a funny story.

I also think it is very BTFish that we are talking about stuff that is actually a little more gross in a way than Steve Phillips is.
   20. SteveM. Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:08 PM (#3360639)
Ewww, someone slept with Steve Phillips. Voluntarily. What is this world coming to?
   21. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:13 PM (#3360646)
There's a guy in my office who goes into the bathroom, very carefully washes his hands, does his business, then leaves. I have never said anything, but this never fails to baffe me.

Well, your hands should be clean when you touch your tallywacker, but it still does not explain not going to the sink afterward. At the holiday party, did you get really drunk and confront his wife about it? ;-)
   22. Ray (RDP) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:16 PM (#3360648)
I thought he was a pretty good GM with the Mets for the first part of his tenure. In the latter part he went downhill.
   23. rr Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:19 PM (#3360652)
I never got why ESPN wanted Phillips in the first place. Kruk, I can see.
   24. Tricky Dick Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:20 PM (#3360653)
I once knew a young woman who seemed perfectly normal--that is, until she was dumped by a married man after an affair. Then she began doing things like picketing the business where he worked with signs that said, "I'm (name)'s whore." The fatal attraction reaction is more common than one would think. That's why the movie became so unexpectedly popular. I suppose that should be a lesson for married men to stay away from extramarital affairs. But that part of the brain is often overriden by another body part.
   25. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:20 PM (#3360655)
In the latter part he went downhill.

And with different women.
   26. RB in NYC (Now Semi-Retired from BBTF) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:24 PM (#3360657)
At the holiday party, did you get really drunk and confront his wife about it? ;-)
I did get roaringly drunk at our holiday party a couple of years ago, but I don't think I could pick out this guy's wife if my life depended on it. I don't actually even know who he is, he's in my office but not my unit.
   27. RJ in TO Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:27 PM (#3360662)
I also think it is very BTFish that we are talking about stuff that is actually a little more gross in a way than Steve Phillips is.


If you would like, I could make it a lot more gross, by linking that recent thread that degenerated into poop stories.
   28. Cuban X Senators Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:29 PM (#3360663)
he's in my office but not my unit


Three . . . two . . . one . . .
   29. Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:33 PM (#3360666)
he's in my orifice but not my unit

FTFY
   30. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:37 PM (#3360668)
I can't wait to see the fake press conference ESPN stages where Steve Phillips addresses this story.
   31. CFiJ Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:39 PM (#3360670)
Anyone else imagining Todd Hundley in heels and a blonde wig here?

Well, I read the following and had an immediate flashback to 2001.
He said his rejection of Hundley was "met by varying degrees of disappointment and hurt; more than was appropriate based on what the relationship was."
   32. The Pequod Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:42 PM (#3360673)
Steve Phillips does bear a resemblance to Roger Sterling...
   33. 'zop sympathizes with the wrong ####### people Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:48 PM (#3360677)
This seems like a good time to bring up my best thread idea that I've been saving for a few years. Maybe it will take, maybe it wont, but here goes.

So, many years ago, when I was at summer camp, a counselor taught me the "shi.t game". No, wait, its not what you think.

The theory is that people are taught to #### by their parents at around age 2 or 3, then..that's it. They're off on their own for the rest of their lives. And unlike any other activity, you have no contact with other people doing the activity as a check upon your idiosyncracies. You don't see people shitting on TV- don't read about in books- and unless you have exquisitely unusual taste, you don't watch other people doing it.

So what this guy had realized is that:
(a) we all have developed dramatically different ways of shitting
(b) other people's ways of shitting vary from the disgusting, to the hilarious, to the completely unimaginable, but its always funny to hear people answer questions about their shitting technique.

So thats the game. I'll ask a series of question to the room about shitting, everyone answers and laughs hysterically at what other people do.

The basic questions:

(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
   34. aleskel Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:49 PM (#3360678)
The former Met general manager, whose tenure with the team was rocked by admissions of infidelity

Eh? This doesn't mean the Roberto Alomar contract, does it?
   35. chemdoc Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:50 PM (#3360681)
This story is useless without Brooke's picture. Otherwise, how will we know who to avoid?
   36. RJ in TO Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:51 PM (#3360682)
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?


If anyone says "Yes" to this, you are a disgusting person.
   37. The Id of SugarBear Blanks Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:52 PM (#3360683)
so let's get this straight...

phillips is a terrible gm.

phillips is a terrible announcer.

phillips is terrible with baseball ideas.

phillips is a terrible husband / father.

phillips is a terrible human being.

any others i'm missing?


His taste in side action is skanktastic, as anyone who saw the hard copy of today's Post can verify.
   38. Matt Garza smells it deep (Mr. Tapeworm) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:53 PM (#3360685)
Hang in there!


You cad! This exclamation should have been accompanied by a picture of a kitten dangling from a tree!
   39. JoeHova Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:54 PM (#3360686)
The fatal attraction reaction is more common than one would think.

Because this is what happens when you toy with people's emotions. I never understand why people can't be honest with their wives/girlfriends (or their husbands/boyfriends, as the case may be). It seems so juvenile to cheat on your mate.

Obviously there are plenty of cases where a person being stalked or harassed has no culpability (one of my cousins and her boyfriend were brutally murdered by a deluded stalker, for example), but it seems like a lot of people take the risks of outrageous and callous lying to multiple people too lightly.
   40. 'zop sympathizes with the wrong ####### people Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:58 PM (#3360689)
To start things along, I'll answer:


(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?

Absolutely. Who doesn't?

(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
Sit.

(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
Crumple. I don't see how folding or rolling gives you full coverage.

(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
Around the back- though I know a lot of girls do it through the wickets.

(5) How many wipes is typical?
Varies tremendously, but never less than 4.

(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
Generally, a look on the first to see what I'm dealing with, then feel, then a look when I think I'm don.

(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
No, but I think I'm in the minority.

(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
No. I can't do it.

I(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
About 5-7 min.

(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
None, but my girlfriend is big on wet towels, which I think is weird.
   41. Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:58 PM (#3360691)
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?

1 Yes, if I think it's unusually large or if it took a lot of work to get it out.
2 sit
3 roll around the hand for max protection
4 around back (you can do it through the wickets? weird!)
5 until there ain't no more brown stuff on the paper, so it depends
6 (see 5)
7 Hell no
8 hell ####### no
9 depends if I'm trying to get through a game of FIFA 2009 or not
10 not really. It's not a complicated business.
   42. RJ in TO Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:59 PM (#3360694)
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
None, but my girlfriend is big on wet towels, which I think is weird.


Did she used to date Manny?
   43. Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine Posted: October 21, 2009 at 01:59 PM (#3360695)
Around the back- though I know a lot of girls do it through the wickets.

I bet you do.
   44. Matt Garza smells it deep (Mr. Tapeworm) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:00 PM (#3360696)
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?

Of course. The fruits of my labor, as it were.

(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
Sit. I do the occasional full stand if deemed necessary by the circumstances.


(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?

Part crumple, part fold.

(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?

Around the back

(5) How many wipes is typical?

Not to get too graphic, but it depends. Anywhere from one to four or five. If available, I like to use a baby wipe to finish off, although I'm not so anal (ha!) as to carry wipes with me wherever I go.

(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?

Like Sir-Mix-a-Lot checks his bank, I checks my paper.
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?

I'm sure I have sniffed appreciatively from time to time at a doot, but, more often, I take in the flavorful smell of a stinky shower fart. They're unusually pungent.

(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?

No. I don't feel the need to immediately replace what's just been discharged.

(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?

Anywhere from a couple of minutes to a good 20-minute session. On average? I'd say five or so.

(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?

Is taunting my offal unusual? "You're no good! You're just a lousy piece of ####! You stink!" etc.
   45. The Essex Snead Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:06 PM (#3360700)
Who the hell would stop wiping without checking? Besides rabbits?
   46. 'zop sympathizes with the wrong ####### people Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:08 PM (#3360702)
Who the hell would stop wiping without checking? Besides rabbits?

You'd be surprised. There are a bunch of people who are really grossed out by #### who dont want to look and just go by feel.
   47. cabintwelve Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:12 PM (#3360707)
Am I the only one that has re-cast Steve Phillips as the Real Estate King from American Beauty?

You like getting nailed by the king?
   48. Chris Dial Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:15 PM (#3360708)
Don't make me get Bernal!
   49. villainx Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:18 PM (#3360715)
I once knew a young woman who seemed perfectly normal--that is, until she was dumped by a married man after an affair.

Wouldn't the not normal part be right before the affair to the married man? Not to be a prude, but that has to be a bit abnormal.

Is this what the lounge is like?
   50. The Essex Snead Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:20 PM (#3360718)
[46] Ha -- I'd think the idea of some stuff taking a ride on your inner buttcheek for the better part of the day would make folks damn sure they're clean(ish), poo digust be damned.
   51. Guapo Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:22 PM (#3360721)
Pics of the "other woman"

Um, this isn't going to help Steve Phillips' reputation as a poor evaluator of talent.
   52. Gamingboy Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:24 PM (#3360723)
This thread is going to become legendary, I can feel it.
   53. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq. Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:29 PM (#3360730)
None, but my girlfriend is big on wet towels, which I think is weird.
Do you mean actual towels, or the moist wipes? Because those wipes are great -- use the regular TP, then a couple of the wipes to make sure there's nothing left.

The problem is that after you use them for a while, you never feel quite clean if you don't use them.
   54. Famous Original Joe C Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:31 PM (#3360732)
Steve Phillips = a homeless man's Roger Sterling?
   55. The Yankee Clapper Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:31 PM (#3360734)
Luckily, ESPN.com has a Steve Phillips chat scheduled for 1:00 PM today, allowing him an opportunity to address these issues, if not the tangents. Probably will be a lot of questions from people named "Brooke".
   56. Posada Posse Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:32 PM (#3360739)
Pics of the "other woman"


More cushion for the pushin', I guess.

In the letter, Hundley details her affair with Phillips, and mentions "a big birthmark on his crotch . . . and one on his left inner thigh, so you know I'm not being fake."


Just the information America has been dying to know.
   57. Hang down your head, Tom Foley Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:33 PM (#3360741)
She misinterpreted a hug.
   58. Steve Sparks Flying Everywhere Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:35 PM (#3360742)
Um, this isn't going to help Steve Phillips' reputation as a poor evaluator of talent.


In the Post they reference the fact that Phillips had vasectomy, but apparently they removed his eyes and/or brain at the same time.
   59. Dock Ellis on Acid Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:36 PM (#3360745)
I love how the New York Post goes out of their way to call Steve Phillips's wife hot. "...a stunning, green-eyed blond," she is.

What I don't understand is why she wrote that letter to his wife after only three weeks. A good mistress should exercise patience. Didn't she know that Steve was just waiting for the right exact moment?
   60. Shredder Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:37 PM (#3360747)
This story is useless without Brooke's picture. Otherwise, how will we know who to avoid?
Tough to tell from these pictures, but I would have expected better.
   61. Van Lingle Mungo Jerry Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:40 PM (#3360751)
"...a stunning, green-eyed blond," she is.


Indeed!
   62. Old Matt Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:41 PM (#3360753)
Anyone else imagining Todd Hundley in heels and a blonde wig here?

I think that would have been more acceptable after seeing the real Brooke Hundley.
   63. SoSH U at work Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:42 PM (#3360755)
I thought he was a pretty good GM with the Mets for the first part of his tenure. In the latter part he went downhill.


In other words, he was good in the beginning. He just went too far.
   64. Gamingboy Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:42 PM (#3360756)
Oh: Berman remains a free man.
   65. Dock Ellis on Acid Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:42 PM (#3360757)
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?


1) Pssh. Yeah.
2) I stand fully.
3) Folded. I need layers to absorb it all.
4) I actually go around the back first and then through the wickets. You can never be too thorough, I say.
5) I've never counted but a second round of paper is not uncommon.
6) I wipe until there's nothing left to wipe. And yes, I check.
7) Ew. No. Hell no.
8) No, but more than once I've brought my laptop with me.
9) I really don't know.
10) Remember that Seinfeld episode where George removed his shirt to go to the bathroom? I laughed because I could absolutely relate.
   66. Guapo Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:44 PM (#3360758)
Anyone else imagining Todd Hundley in heels and a blonde wig here?

I think that would have been more acceptable than the real Brooke Hundley.


Either way, they should take his/her children away.
   67. The Id of SugarBear Blanks Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:44 PM (#3360759)
Bobby V, to the Wilpons, October 2002:

"You're firing me?"

"And keeping him?!?!"
   68. SteveM. Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:45 PM (#3360761)
Some people in here really know their crap.
   69. The Id of SugarBear Blanks Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:46 PM (#3360764)
Um, this isn't going to help Steve Phillips' reputation as a poor evaluator of talent.

My scouting report has her at a 5 on the 1-8 scouting scale.

Art Howe's a 7.
   70. Posada Posse Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:47 PM (#3360765)
After looking at those photos, I can understand why the URL for this thread is:
http://www.baseballthinkfactory.org/files/newsstand/discussion/steve_phillips_had_an_affair_with_an_espn_production_assistant_who_went_fat/
   71. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:48 PM (#3360766)
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?


(2) Somewhere between (b) and (c). A wipe while sitting never felt comfortable.
(10) Early morning dumps work best. While I still wipe, I don't have to go crazy, since my next activity is showering.
   72. Greg Schuler Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:49 PM (#3360770)
Steve Phillips slept with your prom date!
   73. Tulo's Fishy Mullet (mrams) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:50 PM (#3360771)
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?


In an effort to expedite, or get myself to drop a deuce, there's no greater one-two combo than a cup of coffee and a 'chew' (copenhagen) to get that accomplished. This is a perfect strategy in order to avoid the 'road game', thus a perfect solution in the morning before, say, a full day fishing, hunting, or prior to a tailgate/ballgame. Nobody wants to dump in the woods, gas station, or port-a-john.
   74. Hang down your head, Tom Foley Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:52 PM (#3360773)
Wait- you sickos wipe?
   75. Tom Cervo, backup catcher Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:53 PM (#3360775)
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
Of course.

(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
Either a crouch or a full stand. Something...just doesn't seem right about still sitting on the toilet and wiping.

(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
Crumple.

(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
Around the back.

(5) How many wipes is typical?
Not sure, varies on the type.

(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
Checking the paper after each wipe.

(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
Nah, if it's worthy of appreciation, you don't need to sniff.

(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
God no.

(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
5 minutes or so, longer if I'm reading something.

(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
I don't think so.

I do admit to taking pics if I feel I've had a particularly epic ####.
   76. Old Matt Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:53 PM (#3360776)
Do we still do Primeys? No. 70 wins.
   77. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:57 PM (#3360780)
Should Phillips get canned for his actions, perhaps we ought to start a collection to pay for other attractive ESPN staffers who will get it on with Kruk? And Morgan? And Sutcliffe? And EY...?
   78. aleskel Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:57 PM (#3360782)
man, this thread is just a Freudian fieldday
   79. The District Attorney Posted: October 21, 2009 at 02:58 PM (#3360783)
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
Well, it beats the Keltner Test, anyway.
   80. Gold Star for Robothal Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:08 PM (#3360787)
Looking at those pictures, all I can say is that I'm impressed that John Sickels would go to such lengths--donning the wig, shedding the specs--to procure inside information on the Mets' farm system for his 2010 prospect handbook. I bet he was just angry when he discovered Phillips was no longer the Mets' GM.
   81. JE (Jason) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:08 PM (#3360788)
Hmmm, will this Post exclusive make it more or less likely that Kevin Kernan will soon be invited back on "First Take?"
   82. bads85 Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:19 PM (#3360797)
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?


You know you are old when "all of the above" is the correct answer for each of these questions.
   83. Rafael Bellylard: Built like a Panda. Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:20 PM (#3360798)
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?

1. Certainly
2. Somewhere between b and c
3. Fold
4. Around the back
5. Normally maybe 3-4. If I went to Sweet Tomatoes and had the salad buffet and chili, an extra roll of TP may be necessary.
6. Yes I look
7. God no. I use the "courtesy flush method" as it is.
8. No
9. On average, 1-3 minutes.
10. I haven't worked out how to word the patent yet, so...no.
   84. Spivey Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:21 PM (#3360799)
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?


1) Yes
2) Sit in public settings, stand/sit mix at home.
3) Folded.
4) Around back.
5) 5/6 generally.
6) Check paper.
7) Yes, just to know what I'm working with.
8) No.
9) 5 minutes or so.
10) No.
   85. Best Regards, President of Comfort, Esq. Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:23 PM (#3360801)
2) Sit in public settings,
Maybe you shouldn't be taking a #### in the middle of the mall.
   86. 'zop sympathizes with the wrong ####### people Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:25 PM (#3360806)
3) Folded.


I don't get how this works. I imagine someone taking the time to meticulously fold their toilet paper, accordian style, before smearing it with ####. It doesn't make any sense.
   87. Tulo's Fishy Mullet (mrams) Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:28 PM (#3360809)
I only buy Charmin, and the perforated lines make it easy to fold sheets over, if that is your move.
   88. The Essex Snead Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:28 PM (#3360810)
I make swans.
   89. Dock Ellis on Acid Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:29 PM (#3360812)
I don't get how this works. I imagine someone taking the time to meticulously fold their toilet paper, accordian style, before smearing it with ####. It doesn't make any sense.

It's not meticulous at all. I just tear off a foot or two's worth and fold it in half several times before wiping.
   90. Hector Moreda & The Generalissimo Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:30 PM (#3360813)
Um, this isn't going to help Steve Phillips' reputation as a poor evaluator of talent.

Don't judge. Maybe she's the Jeremy Brown of ESPN PAs?
   91. Dock Ellis on Acid Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:32 PM (#3360816)
I only buy Charmin, and the perforated lines make it easy to fold sheets over, if that is your move.

This is not the only reason to buy Charmin. There are goods and services you just shouldn't cheap out on, and toilet paper is one of them.
   92. Tom Cervo, backup catcher Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:32 PM (#3360817)
I'm having a similar discussion on a different board, and I was wondering if anyone uses wet wipes rather than tp? I never have, but the people I know who do swear by them.
   93. Home Run Teal & Black Black Black Gone! Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:33 PM (#3360818)
This thread is going to become legendary, I can feel it.


This thread is going to become legendary, I can just check and make sure of it. Don't want any excess legendary lying around.
   94. Hang down your head, Tom Foley Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:33 PM (#3360819)
Don't judge. Maybe she's the Jeremy Brown of ESPN PAs?


Other on-air talent has overlooked her because she has titties?
   95. The elusive Robert Denby Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:34 PM (#3360821)
Pics of the "other woman"

Steve's pickup line: "Has anyone ever told you that you have the delicate features of former heavyweight champion Rocky Marciano?"
   96. Home Run Teal & Black Black Black Gone! Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:35 PM (#3360822)
Don't judge. Maybe she's the Jeremy Brown of ESPN PAs?


We're not trying to #### blue jeans here, people.
   97. Craig in MN Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:35 PM (#3360823)
You have all given me a lot to think about while potty training my 3 year old.

My added advice (#10): Charmin is the worst TP, as far as creating clogs. My wife (then fiancee) told me that, and I have since grown to agree. We are now a Charmin-free household.

I also want to add that I've read that you need 10 plys (eg. 5 layers of 2-ply) of toilet paper to keep your hand clear from the nasties, but I suppose that varies somewhat by the qualities of the excrement involved. And I wouldn't be surprised if that was a study paid for by the toilet paper industry. But that would be a good bonus question: How many plys in your average wadding?


I'm not sure if I look forward to baseballchick showing up in this thread or not.
   98. SouthSideRyan Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:35 PM (#3360824)
My friend's girlfriend has a bidet in her apartment and is completely disgusted by it. It's really tempting every time I take a dump there to try it out, but I don't really understand how everything flows down the drain. I don't want to be the guy that leaves the bathroom with #### stains in the bidet.
   99. SoSH U at work Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:37 PM (#3360827)
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?


1. Of course.
2. B
3. Roll around. Used to be crumpler.
4. Around the back.
5. 4-5.
6. Look after each
7. That thought never entered my mind. Now that's it's there, it won't change my behavior.
8. No.
9. 5.
10. That's proprietary information.
   100. BringBackTimTeufel Posted: October 21, 2009 at 03:38 PM (#3360830)
“I have extreme concerns about the health and safety of my kids and myself,” Steve Phillips said in a police statement, adding that the woman became “obsessive and delusional” after he dumped her.


Egads. Looks like Steve-O was the obsessive and delusional one, thinking he was sleeping with a 22 year old girl when what he actually got was a broken down, defeated English rugby player.
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