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No kidding! Why get so worked up about Steve when Jon and Joe are also in the booth?
When Phillips' wife gets done with him the only thing left on his crotch is going to be a big birthmark.
Anyone else imagining Todd Hundley in heels and a blonde wig here?
Clearly Phillips has a thing for Hundleys...
Who gets fired at ESPN? Probably both, at least in the non-renewal of contract sense.
And you especially don't #### where I eat.
phillips is a terrible gm.
phillips is a terrible announcer.
phillips is terrible with baseball ideas.
phillips is a terrible husband / father.
phillips is a terrible human being.
any others i'm missing?
I work with a guy who will actually eat from a bag of Doritos while he's doing his business at the urinal. (He's done this many times, so it wasn't just a one-off.) We live in interesing times.
Hmmm, you have to wonder why he even bothers to walk all the way to the men's room. Far easier to eat the Doritos at his desk while peeing in a cup.
The vending machine is near the entrance to the bathroom, but he always goes to the vending machine and THEN the bathroom. I've actually asked him why he doesn't just reverse the process and I get a blank stare. At our holiday dinner, I got really drunk and told the guy's wife he ate Doritos in the john and I guess even she couldn't shame and nag him to correction. And no, he doesn't wash his hands, either. Any communal food in the office gets tossed if he even gets close to it. A vendor sent us one of those big tins of flavored popcorns last year and he ruined it within a minute of us unsealing the plastic wrap.
You know what, I hate my ####### job. I'm depressed now. Thanks a lot!
Let me guess: you work for a fledgling paper company in Scranton?
When you mentioned getting really drunk, I was sure that the sentence was heading in a completely different direction! Whew!
Hey, at least it's not Monday! Hang in there!
I also think it is very BTFish that we are talking about stuff that is actually a little more gross in a way than Steve Phillips is.
Well, your hands should be clean when you touch your tallywacker, but it still does not explain not going to the sink afterward. At the holiday party, did you get really drunk and confront his wife about it? ;-)
And with different women.
If you would like, I could make it a lot more gross, by linking that recent thread that degenerated into poop stories.
Three . . . two . . . one . . .
FTFY
Well, I read the following and had an immediate flashback to 2001.
So, many years ago, when I was at summer camp, a counselor taught me the "shi.t game". No, wait, its not what you think.
The theory is that people are taught to #### by their parents at around age 2 or 3, then..that's it. They're off on their own for the rest of their lives. And unlike any other activity, you have no contact with other people doing the activity as a check upon your idiosyncracies. You don't see people shitting on TV- don't read about in books- and unless you have exquisitely unusual taste, you don't watch other people doing it.
So what this guy had realized is that:
(a) we all have developed dramatically different ways of shitting
(b) other people's ways of shitting vary from the disgusting, to the hilarious, to the completely unimaginable, but its always funny to hear people answer questions about their shitting technique.
So thats the game. I'll ask a series of question to the room about shitting, everyone answers and laughs hysterically at what other people do.
The basic questions:
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
Eh? This doesn't mean the Roberto Alomar contract, does it?
If anyone says "Yes" to this, you are a disgusting person.
phillips is a terrible gm.
phillips is a terrible announcer.
phillips is terrible with baseball ideas.
phillips is a terrible husband / father.
phillips is a terrible human being.
any others i'm missing?
His taste in side action is skanktastic, as anyone who saw the hard copy of today's Post can verify.
You cad! This exclamation should have been accompanied by a picture of a kitten dangling from a tree!
Because this is what happens when you toy with people's emotions. I never understand why people can't be honest with their wives/girlfriends (or their husbands/boyfriends, as the case may be). It seems so juvenile to cheat on your mate.
Obviously there are plenty of cases where a person being stalked or harassed has no culpability (one of my cousins and her boyfriend were brutally murdered by a deluded stalker, for example), but it seems like a lot of people take the risks of outrageous and callous lying to multiple people too lightly.
(1) Do you look in the toilet to see what you've done?
Absolutely. Who doesn't?
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
Sit.
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
Crumple. I don't see how folding or rolling gives you full coverage.
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
Around the back- though I know a lot of girls do it through the wickets.
(5) How many wipes is typical?
Varies tremendously, but never less than 4.
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
Generally, a look on the first to see what I'm dealing with, then feel, then a look when I think I'm don.
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
No, but I think I'm in the minority.
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
No. I can't do it.
I(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
About 5-7 min.
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
None, but my girlfriend is big on wet towels, which I think is weird.
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
1 Yes, if I think it's unusually large or if it took a lot of work to get it out.
2 sit
3 roll around the hand for max protection
4 around back (you can do it through the wickets? weird!)
5 until there ain't no more brown stuff on the paper, so it depends
6 (see 5)
7 Hell no
8 hell ####### no
9 depends if I'm trying to get through a game of FIFA 2009 or not
10 not really. It's not a complicated business.
Did she used to date Manny?
I bet you do.
Of course. The fruits of my labor, as it were.
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
Part crumple, part fold.
Around the back
Not to get too graphic, but it depends. Anywhere from one to four or five. If available, I like to use a baby wipe to finish off, although I'm not so anal (ha!) as to carry wipes with me wherever I go.
Like Sir-Mix-a-Lot checks his bank, I checks my paper.
I'm sure I have sniffed appreciatively from time to time at a doot, but, more often, I take in the flavorful smell of a stinky shower fart. They're unusually pungent.
No. I don't feel the need to immediately replace what's just been discharged.
Anywhere from a couple of minutes to a good 20-minute session. On average? I'd say five or so.
Is taunting my offal unusual? "You're no good! You're just a lousy piece of ####! You stink!" etc.
You'd be surprised. There are a bunch of people who are really grossed out by #### who dont want to look and just go by feel.
You like getting nailed by the king?
Wouldn't the not normal part be right before the affair to the married man? Not to be a prude, but that has to be a bit abnormal.
Is this what the lounge is like?
Um, this isn't going to help Steve Phillips' reputation as a poor evaluator of talent.
The problem is that after you use them for a while, you never feel quite clean if you don't use them.
More cushion for the pushin', I guess.
Just the information America has been dying to know.
In the Post they reference the fact that Phillips had vasectomy, but apparently they removed his eyes and/or brain at the same time.
What I don't understand is why she wrote that letter to his wife after only three weeks. A good mistress should exercise patience. Didn't she know that Steve was just waiting for the right exact moment?
Indeed!
I think that would have been more acceptable after seeing the real Brooke Hundley.
In other words, he was good in the beginning. He just went too far.
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
1) Pssh. Yeah.
2) I stand fully.
3) Folded. I need layers to absorb it all.
4) I actually go around the back first and then through the wickets. You can never be too thorough, I say.
5) I've never counted but a second round of paper is not uncommon.
6) I wipe until there's nothing left to wipe. And yes, I check.
7) Ew. No. Hell no.
8) No, but more than once I've brought my laptop with me.
9) I really don't know.
10) Remember that Seinfeld episode where George removed his shirt to go to the bathroom? I laughed because I could absolutely relate.
I think that would have been more acceptable than the real Brooke Hundley.
Either way, they should take his/her children away.
"You're firing me?"
"And keeping him?!?!"
My scouting report has her at a 5 on the 1-8 scouting scale.
Art Howe's a 7.
http://www.baseballthinkfactory.org/files/newsstand/discussion/steve_phillips_had_an_affair_with_an_espn_production_assistant_who_went_fat/
(2) Somewhere between (b) and (c). A wipe while sitting never felt comfortable.
(10) Early morning dumps work best. While I still wipe, I don't have to go crazy, since my next activity is showering.
In an effort to expedite, or get myself to drop a deuce, there's no greater one-two combo than a cup of coffee and a 'chew' (copenhagen) to get that accomplished. This is a perfect strategy in order to avoid the 'road game', thus a perfect solution in the morning before, say, a full day fishing, hunting, or prior to a tailgate/ballgame. Nobody wants to dump in the woods, gas station, or port-a-john.
Of course.
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
Either a crouch or a full stand. Something...just doesn't seem right about still sitting on the toilet and wiping.
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
Crumple.
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
Around the back.
(5) How many wipes is typical?
Not sure, varies on the type.
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
Checking the paper after each wipe.
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
Nah, if it's worthy of appreciation, you don't need to sniff.
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
God no.
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
5 minutes or so, longer if I'm reading something.
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
I don't think so.
I do admit to taking pics if I feel I've had a particularly epic ####.
You know you are old when "all of the above" is the correct answer for each of these questions.
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
1. Certainly
2. Somewhere between b and c
3. Fold
4. Around the back
5. Normally maybe 3-4. If I went to Sweet Tomatoes and had the salad buffet and chili, an extra roll of TP may be necessary.
6. Yes I look
7. God no. I use the "courtesy flush method" as it is.
8. No
9. On average, 1-3 minutes.
10. I haven't worked out how to word the patent yet, so...no.
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
1) Yes
2) Sit in public settings, stand/sit mix at home.
3) Folded.
4) Around back.
5) 5/6 generally.
6) Check paper.
7) Yes, just to know what I'm working with.
8) No.
9) 5 minutes or so.
10) No.
I don't get how this works. I imagine someone taking the time to meticulously fold their toilet paper, accordian style, before smearing it with ####. It doesn't make any sense.
It's not meticulous at all. I just tear off a foot or two's worth and fold it in half several times before wiping.
Don't judge. Maybe she's the Jeremy Brown of ESPN PAs?
This is not the only reason to buy Charmin. There are goods and services you just shouldn't cheap out on, and toilet paper is one of them.
This thread is going to become legendary, I can just check and make sure of it. Don't want any excess legendary lying around.
Other on-air talent has overlooked her because she has titties?
Steve's pickup line: "Has anyone ever told you that you have the delicate features of former heavyweight champion Rocky Marciano?"
We're not trying to #### blue jeans here, people.
My added advice (#10): Charmin is the worst TP, as far as creating clogs. My wife (then fiancee) told me that, and I have since grown to agree. We are now a Charmin-free household.
I also want to add that I've read that you need 10 plys (eg. 5 layers of 2-ply) of toilet paper to keep your hand clear from the nasties, but I suppose that varies somewhat by the qualities of the excrement involved. And I wouldn't be surprised if that was a study paid for by the toilet paper industry. But that would be a good bonus question: How many plys in your average wadding?
I'm not sure if I look forward to baseballchick showing up in this thread or not.
(2) When you wipe, do you (a) sit (b) crouch slightly above toilet (c) full stand?
(3) How do you prepare the toilet paper in your hand? Crumple? Fold? Roll around hand? Other?
(4) How do you wipe? Around the back or through the wickets?
(5) How many wipes is typical?
(6) How do you know you're clean? Are you checking the paper after each wipe? Going off of feel till the last wipe? Do you never look?
(7) Honestly, do you ever sniff to appreciate your work?
(8) Do you ever eat on the shitter?
(9) How long do you spend on the toilet, on average?
(10) [The catch-all] Do you have any special techniques that you think others may not use?
1. Of course.
2. B
3. Roll around. Used to be crumpler.
4. Around the back.
5. 4-5.
6. Look after each
7. That thought never entered my mind. Now that's it's there, it won't change my behavior.
8. No.
9. 5.
10. That's proprietary information.
Egads. Looks like Steve-O was the obsessive and delusional one, thinking he was sleeping with a 22 year old girl when what he actually got was a broken down, defeated English rugby player.
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