The Electric Dock Ellis Acid Test: An Attempt To Recreate His Drug-Addled No-Hitter, On Xbox

Turn on, tune in, Doumit.

I took my first strip of the stuff… at approximately 12:30 in the afternoon and it took about 30 minutes for the first burst of spastic wooziness to arrive. The games began, with an MLB2K11 custom-generated Dock Ellis leading the 2011 Pirates against the 2011 San Diego Padres, a considerably less fearsome offensive bunch than the woeful ‘70 Pads, who at least had homer-thumping Nate Colbert in the cleanup spot… We’d agreed in advance that once I gave up a hit, I’d start again…

Between games I’d slump over to the left side of the couch, or wander out to the back garden, overcome by the majesty of how pretty these leaves were and how many different shades of green existed in the world and how tough it must be to distinguish all these greens. Like, how do you name a color? Whose job is that? God’s marketing directors? When does celadon morph into chartreuse? Viridian become teal? But most importantly, when did Nick Hundley become Adrian Gonzalez?...

By the time we arrived at the pizza parlor things were threatening to go haywire. That ricotta pie was clearly agitated by my presence. Toder relayed my order for me and handled the money transaction with the counterperson, because I could not possibly participate in such activities with the ######## pizza being all mouthy and with the fearsome heat of that big oven so close by. Toder handed me my large cup of Dr Pepper and we were soon outside again on the crooked sidewalk, headed back to the ballpark inside my TV to accomplish greatness.