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Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Onion: Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever.

“I’ve undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible,” said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque.

“Bones will splinter, arteries will be spouting in all directions, ligaments will twang through the air like snapped guitar strings, and when the shock and disgust finally subside, they’ll look at the radar gun and see ‘235 mph.’” Zumaya then broke his wrist clicking a pen.

RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: January 31, 2012 at 04:58 PM | 1 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: tigers, twins

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Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. Walt Davis Posted: January 31, 2012 at 09:41 PM (#4050854)
Borrowed over from the Jamaica thread:

The fastest recorded jai alai ball was 188 MPH.
This "record" for "fastest ball" was broken by a golfer hitting a golf ball 204 MPH.
The fastest in-competition badminton shuttlecock was hit at 206 MPH.

Goodbye shuttlecock record!

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