Baseball for the Thinking Fan

Login | Register | Feedback

btf_logo
You are here > Home > Baseball Newsstand > Baseball Primer Newsblog > Discussion
Baseball Primer Newsblog
— The Best News Links from the Baseball Newsstand

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Onion: Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever.

“I’ve undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible,” said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque.

“Bones will splinter, arteries will be spouting in all directions, ligaments will twang through the air like snapped guitar strings, and when the shock and disgust finally subside, they’ll look at the radar gun and see ‘235 mph.’” Zumaya then broke his wrist clicking a pen.

RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: January 31, 2012 at 04:58 PM | 1 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: tigers, twins

Reader Comments and Retorts

Go to end of page

Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. Walt Davis Posted: January 31, 2012 at 09:41 PM (#4050854)
Borrowed over from the Jamaica thread:

The fastest recorded jai alai ball was 188 MPH.
This "record" for "fastest ball" was broken by a golfer hitting a golf ball 204 MPH.
The fastest in-competition badminton shuttlecock was hit at 206 MPH.

Goodbye shuttlecock record!

You must be Registered and Logged In to post comments.

 

 

<< Back to main

News

All News | Prime News

Old-School Newsstand


BBTF Partner

Support BBTF

donate

Thanks to
Tuque
for his generous support.

Bookmarks

You must be logged in to view your Bookmarks.

Hot Topics

NewsblogHe played where? Majors' best 'irony jerseys'
(50 - 2:42pm, Jul 22)
Last: vortex of dissipation

NewsblogOTP 17 July 2017: Love is baseball, family. Keep the politics out
(1416 - 2:33pm, Jul 22)
Last: Morty Causa

NewsblogNYP: Yoenis Cespedes: I want to finish my career with A’s
(10 - 2:32pm, Jul 22)
Last: caspian88

Gonfalon CubsThe Biggest Fixes
(81 - 2:30pm, Jul 22)
Last: Pops Freshenmeyer

NewsblogCBS Denver: Charlie Blackmon Kid Meets The Real Deal
(3 - 2:26pm, Jul 22)
Last: Davoice of Dapeople

NewsblogTaking Back the Ballparks - San Francisco Giants
(181 - 2:23pm, Jul 22)
Last: Mendo

NewsblogThe Absurd History of “The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim”
(70 - 2:16pm, Jul 22)
Last: Tom Nawrocki

NewsblogOT-NBA off season thread
(1327 - 2:01pm, Jul 22)
Last: maccoach57

NewsblogCashman: Yankees will ‘send Frazier out’ when Hicks returns | New York Post
(19 - 1:44pm, Jul 22)
Last: Fancy Pants with a clinging marmoset on his Handle

NewsblogMariners trade top prospect Tyler O’Neill to Cardinals for LHP Marco Gonzales
(18 - 1:30pm, Jul 22)
Last: bookbook

NewsblogA sandwich is a sandwich, but OMNICHATTER is a meal! for July 22, 2017
(1 - 1:12pm, Jul 22)
Last: LA Podcasting Hombre of Anaheim

NewsblogThe Last Cowboy: Joe West Is On A Quest To Preserve The Sanctity Of Umpiring
(42 - 1:09pm, Jul 22)
Last: Traderdave

NewsblogIt's unacceptable — Cardinals have lost their Way under Matheny
(18 - 12:36pm, Jul 22)
Last: cardsfanboy

NewsblogBaseball’s Best Teams Are Too Damn Good
(35 - 12:25pm, Jul 22)
Last: simpleton & childlike gef the talking mongoose

NewsblogYoenis Cespedes wants to finish career in Oakland - San Francisco Chronicle
(2 - 11:29am, Jul 22)
Last: Rennie's Tenet

Page rendered in 0.1914 seconds
47 querie(s) executed