Baseball for the Thinking Fan

Login | Register | Feedback

btf_logo
You are here > Home > Baseball Newsstand > Baseball Primer Newsblog > Discussion
Baseball Primer Newsblog
— The Best News Links from the Baseball Newsstand

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Onion: Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever.

“I’ve undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible,” said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque.

“Bones will splinter, arteries will be spouting in all directions, ligaments will twang through the air like snapped guitar strings, and when the shock and disgust finally subside, they’ll look at the radar gun and see ‘235 mph.’” Zumaya then broke his wrist clicking a pen.

RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: January 31, 2012 at 04:58 PM | 1 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: tigers, twins

Reader Comments and Retorts

Go to end of page

Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. Walt Davis Posted: January 31, 2012 at 09:41 PM (#4050854)
Borrowed over from the Jamaica thread:

The fastest recorded jai alai ball was 188 MPH.
This "record" for "fastest ball" was broken by a golfer hitting a golf ball 204 MPH.
The fastest in-competition badminton shuttlecock was hit at 206 MPH.

Goodbye shuttlecock record!

You must be Registered and Logged In to post comments.

 

 

<< Back to main

BBTF Partner

Support BBTF

donate

Thanks to
Kiko Sakata
for his generous support.

Bookmarks

You must be logged in to view your Bookmarks.

Hot Topics

NewsblogRuben Amaro Jr. says it would be best if Phillies move on from Ryan Howard
(1 - 12:57pm, Dec 20)
Last: Jim Furtado

NewsblogAmazin' Avenue - Cohen: Mets and Rockies discussing Troy Tulowitzki deal with Noah Syndergaard as the centerpiece
(45 - 12:52pm, Dec 20)
Last: formerly dp

NewsblogOT: NBC.news: Valve isn’t making one gaming console, but multiple ‘Steam machines’
(1362 - 12:46pm, Dec 20)
Last: Greg K

NewsblogOT: Soccer December 2014
(317 - 12:45pm, Dec 20)
Last: Swedish Chef

NewsblogThe 4 surprisingly quiet teams of the MLB offseason
(34 - 12:40pm, Dec 20)
Last: Jim Kaat on a hot Gene Roof

NewsblogAngels, Red Sox discontinue pension plans for non-uniformed personnel - LA Times
(12 - 12:40pm, Dec 20)
Last: Los Angeles El Hombre de Anaheim

NewsblogFull Count » Source: Red Sox close to deal sending Will Middlebrooks to Padres for Ryan Hanigan
(13 - 12:39pm, Dec 20)
Last: Commissioner Bud Black Beltre Hillman

NewsblogOT: Politics - December 2014: Baseball & Politics Collide in New Thriller
(5075 - 12:33pm, Dec 20)
Last: Greg K

NewsblogTrading Justin Upton means the Braves are in full rebuilding mode | Mark Bradley blog
(83 - 12:32pm, Dec 20)
Last: alilisd

NewsblogThe right — and wrong — way for Mets to get Tulowitzki | New York Post
(8 - 12:24pm, Dec 20)
Last: ReggieThomasLives

Hall of Merit2015 Hall of Merit Ballot Discussion
(98 - 12:23pm, Dec 20)
Last: Bleed the Freak

NewsblogZuckerman - Trea Turner Named Now, Plays Later
(3 - 12:18pm, Dec 20)
Last: Justin T steals bases with his bat

NewsblogPadres' faith in GM A.J. Preller leads to big week | UTSanDiego.com
(1 - 12:15pm, Dec 20)
Last: ReggieThomasLives

NewsblogOT: Monthly NBA Thread - December 2014
(753 - 11:57am, Dec 20)
Last: starving to death with a full STEAGLES

NewsblogOC Register | Former Angels prospect Ryan Bolden shot to death
(6 - 11:45am, Dec 20)
Last: RMc is a fine piece of cheese

Page rendered in 0.1460 seconds
48 querie(s) executed