Baseball for the Thinking Fan

Login | Register | Feedback

btf_logo
You are here > Home > Baseball Newsstand > Baseball Primer Newsblog > Discussion
Baseball Primer Newsblog
— The Best News Links from the Baseball Newsstand

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Onion: Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever.

“I’ve undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible,” said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque.

“Bones will splinter, arteries will be spouting in all directions, ligaments will twang through the air like snapped guitar strings, and when the shock and disgust finally subside, they’ll look at the radar gun and see ‘235 mph.’” Zumaya then broke his wrist clicking a pen.

RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: January 31, 2012 at 04:58 PM | 1 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: tigers, twins

Reader Comments and Retorts

Go to end of page

Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. Walt Davis Posted: January 31, 2012 at 09:41 PM (#4050854)
Borrowed over from the Jamaica thread:

The fastest recorded jai alai ball was 188 MPH.
This "record" for "fastest ball" was broken by a golfer hitting a golf ball 204 MPH.
The fastest in-competition badminton shuttlecock was hit at 206 MPH.

Goodbye shuttlecock record!

You must be Registered and Logged In to post comments.

 

 

<< Back to main

BBTF Partner

Support BBTF

donate

Thanks to
Shooty Is Disappointed With His Midstream Urine
for his generous support.

Bookmarks

You must be logged in to view your Bookmarks.

Hot Topics

NewsblogYodano Ventura sparks Brawl
(50 - 4:17am, Apr 25)
Last: SuperGrover

NewsblogOT: NBC.news: Valve isn’t making one gaming console, but multiple ‘Steam machines’
(1654 - 4:07am, Apr 25)
Last: PASTE Thinks This Trout Kid Might Be OK (Zeth)

NewsblogThe early leaders in MLB’s “Franchise Four” thing have been announced
(75 - 3:53am, Apr 25)
Last: shoewizard

NewsblogAndrew Miller hasn't faced a lefty hitter yet
(21 - 3:50am, Apr 25)
Last: Fancy Pants Handles lap changes with class

Newsblog4-24-2015 OMNICHATTER
(126 - 3:45am, Apr 25)
Last: Gonfalon Bubble

NewsblogAt Trop, Tampa Mayor also waiting for chance to talk stadium
(6 - 3:31am, Apr 25)
Last: Curse of the Andino

NewsblogJosh Hamilton could soon be gone from Los Angeles Angels - MLB - SI.com
(41 - 3:24am, Apr 25)
Last: shoewizard

NewsblogOT: Monthly NBA Thread - April 2015
(1528 - 2:15am, Apr 25)
Last: Booey

NewsblogOTP - April 2015: Church, baseball, politics: Rahm and Chuy work to close the deal
(3721 - 2:08am, Apr 25)
Last: The John Wetland Memorial Death (CoB)

NewsblogOh, Barry Bonds, How Could We Have Doubted You? - NYTimes.com
(40 - 12:44am, Apr 25)
Last: Obo

NewsblogPosnanski: The Best Pitcher In Baseball History
(115 - 12:05am, Apr 25)
Last: TomH

NewsblogKozma takes disdain from Nats' fans as a compliment
(5 - 11:26pm, Apr 24)
Last: Yoenis Cespedes, Baseball Savant

NewsblogHow to Cloak Your DNS to watch the Dodgers on MLB.TV
(40 - 11:08pm, Apr 24)
Last: MHS

NewsblogCuban-born Jose Fernandez becomes U.S. citizen
(8 - 10:45pm, Apr 24)
Last: Leroy Kincaid

NewsblogOT: 2015 NHL Playoff thread
(70 - 10:14pm, Apr 24)
Last: gimme five bees for a STEAGLES

Page rendered in 0.1576 seconds
48 querie(s) executed