Baseball for the Thinking Fan

Login | Register | Feedback

btf_logo
You are here > Home > Baseball Newsstand > Baseball Primer Newsblog > Discussion
Baseball Primer Newsblog
— The Best News Links from the Baseball Newsstand

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Onion: Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever.

“I’ve undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible,” said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque.

“Bones will splinter, arteries will be spouting in all directions, ligaments will twang through the air like snapped guitar strings, and when the shock and disgust finally subside, they’ll look at the radar gun and see ‘235 mph.’” Zumaya then broke his wrist clicking a pen.

RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: January 31, 2012 at 04:58 PM | 1 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: tigers, twins

Reader Comments and Retorts

Go to end of page

Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. Walt Davis Posted: January 31, 2012 at 09:41 PM (#4050854)
Borrowed over from the Jamaica thread:

The fastest recorded jai alai ball was 188 MPH.
This "record" for "fastest ball" was broken by a golfer hitting a golf ball 204 MPH.
The fastest in-competition badminton shuttlecock was hit at 206 MPH.

Goodbye shuttlecock record!

You must be Registered and Logged In to post comments.

 

 

<< Back to main

BBTF Partner

Support BBTF

donate

Thanks to
BDC
for his generous support.

Bookmarks

You must be logged in to view your Bookmarks.

Hot Topics

NewsblogOT: Soccer January 2015
(582 - 11:45am, Mar 01)
Last: Jose Is The Most Absurd Thing on the Site

NewsblogOT - Politics - February 2015: At This Party, You’d Better Keep It Down. Arizona Sheriff Known for Toughness Is Allowing Inmates to Watch the Super Bowl
(3549 - 11:43am, Mar 01)
Last: Bitter Mouse

NewsblogWho Is Responsible For A Called Strike?
(2 - 11:36am, Mar 01)
Last: Eric J can SABER all he wants to

NewsblogOT: Monthly NBA Thread - February 2015
(1207 - 11:32am, Mar 01)
Last: Eric J can SABER all he wants to

NewsblogA-Rod circus taking pressure off Gregorius at Yankees camp - NY Daily News
(13 - 11:30am, Mar 01)
Last: BDC

NewsblogAlex Rodriguez Attends First-Base School, but a Key Item Is Absent
(9 - 11:28am, Mar 01)
Last: theboyqueen

NewsblogSeveral aces may need to adjust to a low zone loss. | SportsonEarth.com
(3 - 11:12am, Mar 01)
Last: Captain Supporter

NewsblogBlue Jays expect Saunders back early in season - Sportsnet.ca
(6 - 11:03am, Mar 01)
Last: snapper (history's 42nd greatest monster)

NewsblogIn honor of the late Leonard Nimoy, the 'Vulcan changeup'
(7 - 10:45am, Mar 01)
Last: Rennie's Tenet

NewsblogFun with MLB photo day - SBNation.com
(1 - 10:07am, Mar 01)
Last: A triple short of the cycle

NewsblogWith Upton out, Braves can get good look at CF options | Atlanta Braves blog
(1 - 10:07am, Mar 01)
Last: ReggieThomasLives

NewsblogOT: NBC.news: Valve isn’t making one gaming console, but multiple ‘Steam machines’
(1572 - 9:59am, Mar 01)
Last: Greg K

NewsblogSale fractures right foot in accident at home | MLB.com
(18 - 7:34am, Mar 01)
Last: Harveys Wallbangers

NewsblogOT: The NHL is finally back thread, part 2
(1013 - 5:26am, Mar 01)
Last: Win Big Stein's Money

NewsblogYankees confident they can avoid paying A-Rod milestone bonuses - CBSSports.com
(55 - 4:22am, Mar 01)
Last: Fancy Pants Handles lap changes with class

Page rendered in 0.1651 seconds
48 querie(s) executed