Baseball for the Thinking Fan

Login | Register | Feedback

btf_logo
You are here > Home > Baseball Newsstand > Baseball Primer Newsblog > Discussion
Baseball Primer Newsblog
— The Best News Links from the Baseball Newsstand

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

The Onion: Joel Zumaya Agrees To Throw One Last Amazing Pitch

Injury-plagued fireball reliever Joel Zumaya informed reporters Monday that his new $800,000 contract with the Twins obligates him to throw one last beautifully self-destructive pitch that will finally annihilate his arm forever.

“I’ve undergone dozens of surgeries and months of painstaking rehab to get my arm in good enough shape to pitch again, so that pitch is going to be absolutely incredible,” said Zumaya, whose single-pitch contract is laden with incentives for velocity, accuracy, and the horrifying sound his elbow makes when it implodes from the torque.

“Bones will splinter, arteries will be spouting in all directions, ligaments will twang through the air like snapped guitar strings, and when the shock and disgust finally subside, they’ll look at the radar gun and see ‘235 mph.’” Zumaya then broke his wrist clicking a pen.

RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: January 31, 2012 at 04:58 PM | 1 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
  Tags: tigers, twins

Reader Comments and Retorts

Go to end of page

Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. Walt Davis Posted: January 31, 2012 at 09:41 PM (#4050854)
Borrowed over from the Jamaica thread:

The fastest recorded jai alai ball was 188 MPH.
This "record" for "fastest ball" was broken by a golfer hitting a golf ball 204 MPH.
The fastest in-competition badminton shuttlecock was hit at 206 MPH.

Goodbye shuttlecock record!

You must be Registered and Logged In to post comments.

 

 

<< Back to main

BBTF Partner

Support BBTF

donate

Thanks to
Backlasher
for his generous support.

Bookmarks

You must be logged in to view your Bookmarks.

Hot Topics

NewsblogKen Griffey, Mike Piazza set for Hall of Fame | MLB.com
(18 - 3:22am, Jul 25)
Last: Drexl Spivey

NewsblogReport: Yankees say Aroldis Chapman trade near | MLB.com
(74 - 2:35am, Jul 25)
Last: Cargo Cultist

NewsblogYounger breed of techies replacing baseball lifers in GM roles - StarTribune.com
(18 - 2:30am, Jul 25)
Last: the Hugh Jorgan returns

NewsblogOTP 2016 July 18: Girls’ softball teams being shut out of city defibrillator policy, while boys’ teams given life-saving devices
(1774 - 2:08am, Jul 25)
Last: STIGGLES is more humble than you would understand

NewsblogChris Sales sent home because of argument over uniforms
(82 - 12:39am, Jul 25)
Last: Lindor Truffles

NewsblogChanges are coming to baseball Hall of Fame's veterans' committees | FOX Sports
(42 - 12:29am, Jul 25)
Last: Dennis Eclairskey, closer

NewsblogSunday Notes: Giants’ Law, Twins’ May, Miller’s Pop, January, more | FanGraphs Baseball
(1 - 12:17am, Jul 25)
Last: Petunia inquires about ponies

NewsblogReport: D-backs making teams aware Shelby Miller 'is available'
(10 - 12:13am, Jul 25)
Last: PreservedFish

NewsblogOT: Wrestling Thread November 2014
(1635 - 11:54pm, Jul 24)
Last: Rowland Office Supplies

NewsblogRockies have several players who could be targeted for trade with deadline near – The Denver Post
(8 - 11:44pm, Jul 24)
Last: Walt Davis

NewsblogIchiro Suzuki records 2 hits, 4 shy of 3,000 | MLB.com
(62 - 11:39pm, Jul 24)
Last: DanG

NewsblogOMNICHATTER 7-24-16
(108 - 11:01pm, Jul 24)
Last: AT-AT at bat@AT&T

NewsblogTyler Glasnow erratic start ends with injury | pirates.com
(1 - 9:53pm, Jul 24)
Last: PASTE Transcends Almost All Generations (Zeth)

NewsblogTed Berg: I badly wanted MLB to adopt replay before 2014. Now I find it boring and dumb
(57 - 5:08pm, Jul 24)
Last: There's a bustle in Misirlou's hedgerow

Newsblog#MLBRank: Barry Bonds, Ty Cobb make Stark's all-time top 10
(41 - 3:59pm, Jul 24)
Last: cardsfanboy

Page rendered in 0.1204 seconds
47 querie(s) executed