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Friday, April 27, 2012

The Onion: No One Can Remember Seeing Houston Astros For At Least A Week

Wow, and coming so soon after the grizzly murder of Youppi…

he Houston Astros, described by police as a 50-year-old franchise last seen wearing a white pinstriped uniform with its name on the front and known locally for performing baseball in front of downtown crowds for money, has been missing since at least last week, when it was reportedly expected to meet a franchise it knew in Milwaukee. “We were initially contacted Saturday by the owner, who had gone to check in on the Astros two days previously and found the team wasn’t home,” said city police chief Charles McClelland, adding that the Astros lived alone in Minute Maid Park, a public housing facility owned by the county.

The Clarence Thomas of BBTF (scott) Posted: April 27, 2012 at 11:33 AM | 47 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
Tags: astros, the onion

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1. Brian C Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:15 PM (#4117689)

Decent concept, very poor execution.

2. Swedish Chef Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:20 PM (#4117696)

The Onion gets much better if you don't read the article texts. Just think of it as placeholder material that fills out the layout so it looks like a newspaper (site).

3. The Clarence Thomas of BBTF (scott) Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:29 PM (#4117700)

I just think this format could be applied to all sorts of things, like how Miami changed it's name and got all hotted up to try and impress everyone even though everyone knows they're still the same unpopular dork they always were, or the Cubs getting with the Red Sox's ex after a rough breakup.

4. Brian C Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:31 PM (#4117703)

The Onion gets much better if you don't read the article texts. Just think of it as placeholder material that fills out the layout so it looks like a newspaper (site).

That's probably mostly true these days, but it didn't used to be.

5. The Clarence Thomas of BBTF (scott) Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:35 PM (#4117708)

It still has more than it's share of good stuff. The main thing is that they've moved so much into video that most of their top stuff is there.

6. PreservedFish Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:35 PM (#4117709)

The Onion gets much better if you don't read the article texts. Just think of it as placeholder material that fills out the layout so it looks like a newspaper (site).

You know, real papers often operate this way too. I read the NY Times daily, and often the headline tells you 100% of what you need to know.

7. Rickey Fredonia Fudge Duckery Precious Twiddle Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:35 PM (#4117710)

The Onion does its best work on the video front, these days.

8. Hustle-Related Failure Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:36 PM (#4117712)

Pay no attention to this mediocre Onion sports article and instead read the hilarious Ozzie Guillen quote timeline from iast week: http://www.theonion.com/articles/the-quotable-ozzie-guillen,17853. 2010: It's not the fair for Japanese players have the interpreter. I want the interpreter so I can understand what the #### it is I am talk about"

9. zonk Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:38 PM (#4117716)

The Onion's drop in humor correlates precisely with its migration from the midwest to NYC... correlation is not causation, but the correlation is unmistakable.

10. Crispix Attacks 2: Swag Airlines Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:40 PM (#4117718)

11. The Keith Law Blog Blah Blah (battlekow) Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:43 PM (#4117723)

The Onion gets much better if you don't read the article texts. Just think of it as placeholder material that fills out the layout so it looks like a newspaper (site).

That's probably mostly true these days, but it didn't used to be.

People have been saying that in Milwaukee since 1996.

12. RB in NYC (Now Semi-Retired from BBTF) Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:50 PM (#4117726)

Personally, I think everyone who didn't enjoy this article is nuts. "The Astros lived alone in Minute Maid Park, a public housing facility owned by the county." Come on, that's great stuff.

13. Tom Nawrocki Posted: April 27, 2012 at 01:56 PM (#4117730)

These comments on Onion articles used to be a lot of fun, but they've really gone downhill.

14. Randy Jones

Posted: April 27, 2012 at 02:01 PM (#4117735)

Has there ever been an Onion article posted here, in the what, 12-year history of this site, where the majority of the comments weren't "The Onion used to be good and now it's bad"? Live with it, you guys. The headlines are funny, the text, sometimes not.

yes

15. Lassus Posted: April 27, 2012 at 02:04 PM (#4117737)

Tom wins.

16. Horror Posted: April 27, 2012 at 02:04 PM (#4117738)

You know, real papers often operate this way too. I read the NY Times daily, and often the headline tells you 100% of what you need to know.

This frightens me a bit, considering that 99.99% of baseball headlines are 99.99% misleading.

17. The Clarence Thomas of BBTF (scott) Posted: April 27, 2012 at 02:47 PM (#4117773)

The Onion's drop in humor correlates precisely with its migration from the midwest to NYC

Uh, you realize that they're closing the NY office, right? So by that token if there was causation you'd see an improvement after last September.

18. UCCF Posted: April 27, 2012 at 03:23 PM (#4117809)

Has there ever been an Onion article posted here, in the what, 12-year history of this site, where the majority of the comments weren't "The Onion used to be good and now it's bad"? Live with it, you guys. The headlines are funny, the text, sometimes not.

The funniest baseball-related Onion article I can recall was the one about Antonio Alfonseca leading the league in number of fingers for the 8th straight season.

19. Weekly Journalist_ Posted: April 27, 2012 at 03:26 PM (#4117812)

Nah, nothing will beat, "In My Day, Ballplayers Were Crap."

20. RMc and His Roster of Rubbish Posted: April 27, 2012 at 03:40 PM (#4117824)

"The Onion used to be good and now it's bad"?

Everything used to be good, and is now bad. Every damn thing.

21. The Long Arm of Rudy Law Posted: April 27, 2012 at 03:43 PM (#4117828)

Has there ever been an Onion article posted here, in the what, 12-year history of this site, where the majority of the comments weren't "The Onion used to be good and now it's bad"? Live with it, you guys. The headlines are funny, the text, sometimes not.

I remember a really good Baseball Primer thread about an Onion article about an SNL sketch about a Letterman monologue about a Simpsons episode, back before everything sucked.

22. zonk Posted: April 27, 2012 at 03:59 PM (#4117844)

I remember a really good Baseball Primer thread about an Onion article about an SNL sketch about a Letterman monologue about a Simpsons episode, back before everything sucked.

Registration ruined everything. EVERYTHING.

23. Brian C Posted: April 27, 2012 at 04:07 PM (#4117854)

Everything used to be good, and is now bad. Every damn thing.

Except Radiohead, who against all odds are better than ever. But now that it seems like they've made the record that Thom Yorke has always been trying to make, I'm not sure how long that will continue to be the case.

Also the Texas Rangers.

24. Nasty Nate Posted: April 27, 2012 at 04:15 PM (#4117867)

Except Radiohead, who against all odds are better than ever. But now that it seems like they've made the record that Thom Yorke has always been trying to make, I'm not sure how long that will continue to be the case.

King of Limbs? I really like Radiohead but for whatever reasons haven't even listened to that album. I might see them next month.

25. phredbird

Posted: April 27, 2012 at 04:15 PM (#4117868)

19. Weekly Journalist_ Posted: April 27, 2012 at 03:26 PM (#4117812)

Nah, nothing will beat, "In My Day, Ballplayers Were Crap."

btf was better when everybody read every post in every thread.

26. Baldrick Posted: April 27, 2012 at 04:17 PM (#4117873)

Except Radiohead, who against all odds are better than ever. But now that it seems like they've made the record that Thom Yorke has always been trying to make, I'm not sure how long that will continue to be the case.

Radiohead were at their best in 1995.

27. zonk Posted: April 27, 2012 at 04:20 PM (#4117879)

baseball was better when it was cricket

28. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: April 27, 2012 at 04:21 PM (#4117884)

The Onion gets much better if you don't read the article texts. Just think of it as placeholder material that fills out the layout so it looks like a newspaper (site).

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipisicing elit, sed do eiusmod tempor incididunt ut labore et dolore magna aliqua. Ut enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exercitation ullamco laboris nisi ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis aute irure dolor in reprehenderit in voluptate velit esse cillum dolore eu fugiat nulla pariatur. Excepteur sint occaecat cupidatat non proident, sunt in culpa qui officia deserunt mollit anim id est laborum.

29. zonk Posted: April 27, 2012 at 04:25 PM (#4117888)

Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood. Passersby were amazed by the unusually large amounts of blood.

30. phredbird

Posted: April 27, 2012 at 04:28 PM (#4117892)

'a known acquaintance of the astros, lisa gray, refused to admit a reporter into her home, but admits that she had been in a long 'sort of relationship but not no dirty sht' with the franchise and occasionally brought it meals, but had not been in contact lately. she expressed surprise when contacted by authorities. "sigh -- i hadn't been around for what bout a month or so, i got two boyz and a hungry husband to feed too an can't always be helpin a useless tramp what don't even take care of his own self. he's prolly sleepin if off somewheres and when he shows up expects me to wash his dirty uniform."'

31. Brian C Posted: April 27, 2012 at 04:36 PM (#4117910)

King of Limbs? I really like Radiohead but for whatever reasons haven't even listened to that album. I might see them next month.

Yes, King of Limbs. It's short, but there's no filler, no minor tracks, no dead-end detours. Just 8 of the strongest compositions they've ever put together.

Now, if you're the kind of person who just listens to music as a distraction while running or during time outs at an NBA game (and I don't mean that as a criticism of people like that, we all have our own tastes), it probably won't do much for you. But if you're already a fan, especially their post-OK Computer stuff, then I have to believe that it will pay off for you. Certainly it has for the band themselves, who are more enthusiastic about touring these days then anytime I can remember. They've even added a second drummer to help them play it.

Here's a live version of the album's first track, "Bloom", if you're interested. Quality speakers/headphones strongly suggested.

32. Liver of blaspheming 'zop Posted: April 27, 2012 at 05:04 PM (#4117943)

Radiohead sucks, has always sucked, and always will suck. The greatest Radiohead album is a blank CD that someone scrawled "RADIOHEAD" on but forgot to actually burn the music.

33. Lassus Posted: April 27, 2012 at 05:30 PM (#4117962)

I wonder what Eso thinks of the new album.

34. Nasty Nate Posted: April 27, 2012 at 05:31 PM (#4117963)

But if you're already a fan, especially their post-OK Computer stuff, then I have to believe that it will pay off for you.

I'll have to give it a try, although the songs that I like most from post OK-computer tend to be the ones that would have fit in with OK computer (where i end and you begin, weird fishes, etc.)

35. Gonfalon Bubble Posted: April 27, 2012 at 05:33 PM (#4117972)

The Onion's drop in humor correlates precisely with its migration from the midwest to NYC

Uh, you realize that they're closing the NY office, right? So by that token if there was causation you'd see an improvement after last September.

But the main takeaway is that, historically, there's never been a legacy of humor associated with New York City.

36. Bhaakon Posted: April 27, 2012 at 05:34 PM (#4117974)

btf was better when everybody read every post in every thread.

Well, half of them were Mike Piazza or Admiral Ackbar. Two more things that made the old Primer better.

37. smileyy Posted: April 27, 2012 at 05:42 PM (#4117993)

Maybe the truth is "The Onion was funny when I first started reading it", because its often the first/best time someone is seeing that form of humor.

However, after you read ten or twenty or fifty Onion articles, you realize the structure is all the same.

Twist on Expectations Headline

Normal sentence 1. Normal sentence 2. Slightly off but still plausible sentence 3. Funny twist fitting with the premise sentence 4.

Repeat for 3-4 paragraphs, and you have an Onion article, and its not bad.

Read that 50 times, and suddenly..."The Onion used to be funnier..."

38. The Clarence Thomas of BBTF (scott) Posted: April 27, 2012 at 05:44 PM (#4117996)

Behold!

39. Swedish Chef Posted: April 27, 2012 at 05:48 PM (#4117999)

But the main takeaway is that, historically, there's never been a legacy of humor associated with New York City.

There is the Mets.

40. Pat Rapper's Delight Posted: April 27, 2012 at 08:05 PM (#4118076)

Well, half of them were Mike Piazza or Admiral Ackbar. Two more things that made the old Primer better.

Another vote with [38] for the Bearded Wizard!

41. Tuque

Posted: April 27, 2012 at 08:09 PM (#4118079)

Normal sentence 1. Normal sentence 2. Slightly off but still plausible sentence 3. Funny twist fitting with the premise sentence 4.

Clearly you have both ascertained and synthesized the secret of comedy. Congratulations, and I look forward to your illustrious career as a humorist.

42. Bob Evans Posted: April 27, 2012 at 08:56 PM (#4118111)

The Onion is still very funny sometimes...this made me call three people just to show it to them.

43. villageidiom Posted: April 27, 2012 at 09:17 PM (#4118134)

Well, half of them were Mike Piazza or Admiral Ackbar. Two more things that made the old Primer better.

Are you the biggest idiot ever?

44. Pops Freshenmeyer Posted: April 27, 2012 at 09:55 PM (#4118162)

The funniest baseball-related Onion article I can recall was the one about Antonio Alfonseca leading the league in number of fingers for the 8th straight season.

"Antonio has been through a lot this season, including some elbow problems and a trip to the DL," manager Jack McKeon said. "But in the end, he just went out there and had a lot of fingers."

45. Doris from Rego Park Posted: April 27, 2012 at 10:01 PM (#4118171)

Besides Fake Tony Schiavone on twitter, .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

46. villageidiom Posted: April 28, 2012 at 12:00 AM (#4118257)

Report: A-Rod Probably Thinking About Betting On Baseball

47. Brian C Posted: April 28, 2012 at 01:43 AM (#4118302)

I'll actually nominate this one in the "good article" category.

This one isn't bad, either, although, like Tina Fey reciting Sarah Palin's actual words during SNL sketches, it barely qualifies as satire.

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Friday, April 27, 2012

The Onion: No One Can Remember Seeing Houston Astros For At Least A Week

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