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Friday, March 01, 2013

The Ultimate Fictional Baseball Team

What happens when you assemble the best fictional baseball players and coaches from movie history? This team.

eddieot Posted: March 01, 2013 at 02:12 PM | 77 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
Tags: baseball movies

Reader Comments and Retorts

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1. Gamingboy Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:20 PM (#4378506)

It lacks Pablo Sanchez, and is thus invalid.

2. Hello Rusty Kuntz, Goodbye Rusty Cars Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:20 PM (#4378507)

It's limited to movies because the debate about whether Mr. Ed and Herman Munster are fictional continues.

3. JJ1986 Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:22 PM (#4378510)

Are Ray Mitchell and Lou Collins well known movie characters? I can't place them.

4. jmurph Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:39 PM (#4378525)

I know he played basketball not baseball, but I'm still going Teen Wolf 1(1).

5. Gch exhales the vast drunken folly of Epicurus Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:47 PM (#4378529)

I'd have taken one of Eddie O'Brien, Dennis Ryan, or Nat Goldberg. They were the Tinker to Evers to Chance of their day, and at the very least one of them would've been a good addition to the bench.

6. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:48 PM (#4378530)

It's limited to movies because the debate about whether Mr. Ed and Herman Munster are fictional continues.

If you extend it to tv its:

P Bugs Bunny
C Bugs Bunny
1B Bugs Bunny
2B Bugs Bunny
3B Bugs Bunny
SS Bugs Bunny
LF Bugs Bunny
CF Bugs Bunny
RF Bugs Bunny

7. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:49 PM (#4378532)

Are Ray Mitchell and Lou Collins well known movie characters? I can't place them.

Collins was Tim Busfield in "Little Big League."

EDIT: Mitchell was in "Angels in the Outfield."

Also Sam "Mayday" Malone was not in the movies.

Also Jack Elliot of "Mr. Baseball" should be on the bench at least. And Stan Ross had nearly 3000 hits, he should probably be at 1B. Or at least Haywood.

8. vortex of dissipation Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:51 PM (#4378535)

No Joe Hardy?

9. Chokeland Bill Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:53 PM (#4378538)

How is Clu Haywood only on the bench?

10. Gch exhales the vast drunken folly of Epicurus Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:56 PM (#4378541)

If you extend it to tv its:

P Bugs Bunny
C Bugs Bunny
1B Bugs Bunny
2B Bugs Bunny
3B Bugs Bunny
SS Bugs Bunny
LF Bugs Bunny
CF Bugs Bunny
RF Bugs Bunny

Fittingly, it's almost the six year anniversary of the posting of Bugs Bunny, greatest banned player ever. According to the intro, it was the first blog entry ever to make into the Best American Sportswriting annual, and it certainly deserved the honour.

11. cardsfanboy

Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:58 PM (#4378542)

Are Ray Mitchell and Lou Collins well known movie characters? I can't place them

Lou Collins was from Little Big League, played by Timothy Busfield, he's the one who hooked up with the kids mom. Griffey stole his homerun in the final game.

Ray Mitchell comes from Angels in the Outfield,(Never saw that movie)

12. cardsfanboy

Posted: March 01, 2013 at 03:59 PM (#4378543)

Has there ever been a Casey at bat movie? I mean wouldn't he be on par with Roy Hobbs for best player.(non-Bugs Bunny division)

If you extend it to tv its:

P Bugs Bunny
C Bugs Bunny
1B Bugs Bunny
2B Bugs Bunny
3B Bugs Bunny
SS Bugs Bunny
LF Bugs Bunny
CF Bugs Bunny
RF Bugs Bunny

Weren't those shorts, and therefore technically movies?

13. My name is Votto, and I love to get blotto Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:04 PM (#4378546)

What about the Whammer?

14. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:11 PM (#4378551)

If we're extending it past film, then what about The Kid Who Only Hit Homers?

Henry Skrimshander could be at shortstop too, or at least Aparacio Rodriguez.

15. Select Storage Device Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:15 PM (#4378559)

How is Clu Haywood only on the bench?

Or Kelly Leak for that matter. He can cover the entire outfield!

I'd yank Cerrano.

16. Gamingboy Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:16 PM (#4378562)

Also, aren't we forgetting Snoopy? I mean, he was in a race with Hank Aaron to try and get past Ruth's record....

17. Select Storage Device Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:18 PM (#4378566)

How is Clu Haywood only on the bench?

Or Kelly Leak for that matter. He can cover the entire outfield!

I'd yank Cerrano.

18. Alan Sepinwall Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:19 PM (#4378567)

Where are Mr. Baseball and Mr. 3000? If you're allowing Major League villains, how on earth is Jake Taylor starting over Jack Parkman? (Or, for that matter, if you're allowing League of the Their Own players, how is Jake starting over Dottie Hinson?) Henry Rowengartner, if healthy, is at a minimum the number two starter, ahead of Nuke. And much as I love Willie Mays Hays, they've got the wrong Wesley Snipes character starting.

19. AROM Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:23 PM (#4378572)

I see Willie Mays Hayes as more of a Vince Coleman than Rickey Henderson. He wasn't even drafted, just showed up and won a race. No indication in that movie that he was an elite level hitter.

Either Willie or Cerrano should sit the bench so Bobby Rayburn can play. They are useful but flawed players - Rayburn is supposed to be a Bonds-like power/speed superstar. Though he and Willie do look suspiciously alike.

20. My name is Votto, and I love to get blotto Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:24 PM (#4378574)

Though he and Willie do look suspiciously alike.

racist :)

21. Most doorknobs are on the right side of the doors Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:24 PM (#4378576)

Rowengartner should be in the bullpen. The dude had one pitch.

22. puck Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:27 PM (#4378580)

None of Bingo Long's Traveling All-Stars made it?

23. AROM Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:28 PM (#4378584)

Jake Taylor starting over Jack Parkman

I could see Mike Scioscia making that call.

I'm not sure what position Haywood plays. He sure looked like a 1B/DH. Make this an AL team and he's got a spot.

24. Moeball Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:30 PM (#4378587)

What about the Whammer?

Actually, with all the really bad Babe Ruth movies that have been made (from William Bendix to John Goodman), I thought Joe Don Baker actually captured the essence of the Babe's personality pretty well when he was the Whammer...oh, and that guy who played Babe Ruth in Pride of the Yankees was the worst.

Hey, I saw a movie with a fictional Joe Jackson - does he count? I know he must have been Fictional Joe Jackson instead of Real Joe Jackson because he batted right handed...

25. AROM Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:32 PM (#4378589)

Ricky Vaughn and Happy Felsch.

Cerrano and Max "Hammer" Dubois...

I don't think these guys have ever been seen at the same time either.

And Billy Chapel never faced Crash Davis.

26. zonk Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:33 PM (#4378591)

I see Willie Mays Hayes as more of a Vince Coleman than Rickey Henderson. He wasn't even drafted, just showed up and won a race. No indication in that movie that he was an elite level hitter.

Either Willie or Cerrano should sit the bench so Bobby Rayburn can play. They are useful but flawed players - Rayburn is supposed to be a Bonds-like power/speed superstar. Though he and Willie do look suspiciously alike.

Right... plus - Cerrano, from what I learned in the movie, basically struck out all season until his one HR in the playoffs. At least Hayes had that wall of batting gloves which presumably proved he HAD gotten on base occasionally stole a few bags. Nothing in the movie indicates that Cerrano was anything besides 0 for 650 with 650 K's.

27. STIGGLES is more humble than you would understand Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:37 PM (#4378598)

And much as I love Willie Mays Hays, they've got the wrong Wesley Snipes character starting.

now we all wear his number.

28. RoyalsRetro (AG#1F) Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:39 PM (#4378602)

Ricky Vaughn and Happy Felsch.

Cerrano and Max "Hammer" Dubois...

I don't think these guys have ever been seen at the same time either.

And Billy Chapel never faced Crash Davis.

Tony Micelli and Mel Clark

29. Hello Rusty Kuntz, Goodbye Rusty Cars Posted: March 01, 2013 at 04:48 PM (#4378604)

Right... plus - Cerrano, from what I learned in the movie, basically struck out all season until his one HR in the playoffs. At least Hayes had that wall of batting gloves which presumably proved he HAD gotten on base occasionally stole a few bags. Nothing in the movie indicates that Cerrano was anything besides 0 for 650 with 650 K's.

"Don't tell me what he hit -- tell me when he hit it."

-Fictional announcer Hawk Harrelson

30. Ron J2 Posted: March 01, 2013 at 05:01 PM (#4378612)

#16 Awesome power from a shortstop.

31. tfbg9 Posted: March 01, 2013 at 05:11 PM (#4378621)

Peppermint Patty could play a little ball as well.

32. There's a bustle in Misirlou's hedgerow Posted: March 01, 2013 at 05:36 PM (#4378642)

Henry Wiggen needs to be in the rotation.

33. There's a bustle in Misirlou's hedgerow Posted: March 01, 2013 at 05:58 PM (#4378652)

You could probably put together an all fictional team of guys not on the ultimate fictional team which would blow the latter away. Start with Leon Carter, Bingo Long, Esquire Joe Calloway, Joe Hardy, and since the ultimate team has one TV guy, take Buck Bokai.

34. Gch exhales the vast drunken folly of Epicurus Posted: March 01, 2013 at 06:05 PM (#4378657)

If there's going to be one TV guy, the alien version of Josh Gibson who appeared in one episode of the X-Files should be in the running.

Edit: Josh Exley was his name.

35. Dale Sams Posted: March 01, 2013 at 06:07 PM (#4378660)

#34...not the robot from Twilight Zone pre-heart?

36. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: March 01, 2013 at 06:17 PM (#4378667)

agree with #35

37. AndrewJ Posted: March 01, 2013 at 07:25 PM (#4378685)

Henry Wiggen needs to be in the rotation.

Indeed. According to It Looked Like For Ever, he retired in the early 1970s with 247 career wins.

38. The Anthony Kennedy of BBTF (Scott) Posted: March 01, 2013 at 07:40 PM (#4378690)

Yeah, I'm sorry. Other than Steve Nebraska and Roy Hobbes, there isn't anything THAT legendary about this team. And I have no idea how Clu Heyward is on the bench. The man won the triple crown! And it's not like Cerrano's defense is anything to write home about.

39. BDC

Posted: March 01, 2013 at 07:44 PM (#4378691)

As noted, this is very much the movie version. Hobbs makes the literary lineup, as does Wiggen; and then I think you have to go (among others) with the protagonist of Sometimes You See It Coming, Sidd Finch, the monster from Brittle Innings, the pitcher from The Man with Two Arms, the DP combination from The Dreyfus Affair, and Jack Keefe, already. If you can use juveniles, yes, the kid who batted 1.000, Roy Tucker, and the like.

40. The Yankee Clapper Posted: March 01, 2013 at 08:08 PM (#4378696)

No Joe Hardy?

Joe Hardy was clearly a better player than most of those bums listed. He took the Washington Senators to the Pennant in the midst of the Greatest Yankee Dynasty ever. The Senators.

Maybe the team is based on career value? Joe was the ultimate peak value player.

41. David Nieporent (now, with children) Posted: March 01, 2013 at 08:27 PM (#4378708)

Homer Simpson. (Well, he's a good platoon player.)

42. spike Posted: March 01, 2013 at 08:37 PM (#4378709)

No Ned Brainard or King Kelly?

43. Fred Lynn Nolan Ryan Sweeney Agonistes Posted: March 01, 2013 at 08:58 PM (#4378719)

Do the twins from Stuck on You count as one roster spot, or two?

44. Downtown Bookie

Posted: March 01, 2013 at 09:24 PM (#4378734)

I'd have taken one of Eddie O'Brien, Dennis Ryan, or Nat Goldberg. They were the Tinker to Evers to Chance of their day, and at the very least one of them would've been a good addition to the bench.

O'Brien to Ryan to Goldberg

DB

45. Morty Causa Posted: March 01, 2013 at 09:52 PM (#4378753)

What, no Joe E. Brown as Elmer or Alibi Ike, Gary Cooper as Gehrig, Ray Milland as Prof Vernon K. Simpson, Ronald Reagan as Pete Alexander, Dan Dailey as Diz, Michael Moriarty as Henry Wiggen, or James Stewart as Slim Conway?

46. The Anthony Kennedy of BBTF (Scott) Posted: March 01, 2013 at 09:55 PM (#4378755)

Here's a ranking of the best fictional players at each position. Some bullshit whinging about the state of baseball these days by the author, and a lot of crossover, but it identifies a few more potential players.

Also, Stan Ross from Mr. 3000 would definitely have a strong argument to be a starter for this team in his prime. Even knocking off 1 WAR from Lou Brock that's still easily an all-star caliber player.

47. There's a bustle in Misirlou's hedgerow Posted: March 01, 2013 at 10:00 PM (#4378759)

Here's a ranking of the best fictional players at each position.

Sorry, but I didn't get past catcher. Crash Davis was a fine movie character, but a career minor leaguer as the #1 catcher with not even a bench spot for the fictionalized Josh Gibson (Leon Carter)? Pass

48. There's a bustle in Misirlou's hedgerow Posted: March 01, 2013 at 10:04 PM (#4378763)

Oh, ans the Jimmy Stewart mention above reminded me of another: Dutch Holland, thirdbaseman and B-36 pilot.

49. Gamingboy Posted: March 01, 2013 at 11:06 PM (#4378778)

Also, are not forgetting that Mario has played baseball on at least two occasions?

50. jobu Posted: March 01, 2013 at 11:07 PM (#4378779)

None of Bingo Long's Traveling All-Stars made it?

This is a frickin' joke.

"Angels' Right Fielder" clearly belongs on here. And what about Angels pitcher (and BBTF poster) Dave Spiwak?

You've gotta have Eddie Harris as a swing man.

Surely, Jim Barton (Bouton) can make the pitching staff.

As noted previously, The Whammer is an obvious miss.

And right-handed-hitting Joe Jackson.

51. bigglou115 Posted: March 02, 2013 at 02:04 AM (#4378969)

Right... plus - Cerrano, from what I learned in the movie, basically struck out all season until his one HR in the playoffs. At least Hayes had that wall of batting gloves which presumably proved he HAD gotten on base occasionally stole a few bags. Nothing in the movie indicates that Cerrano was anything besides 0 for 650 with 650 K's.

The trick is to listen to the ST scene in Major League 2. They clearly state that WMH was the best leadoff hitter in the game, and that Cerrano led the team in most offensive categories (including total baldness)

For me the biggest travesty is wasting Wild Thing in the pen. Make Clark a coach put Vaughn in the starter's spot, an ace starter is worth 3 closers.

edit: I'd also point out that Vaughn only had 2 good relief appearances in both movies. One at the end of ML 1 (he was a starter until they put him in the pen for the last game against Chicago) and he was bad even in the pen in ML 2 until the last game of the season. That's 2 good relief appearances in 2 seasons, opposed to most of a season as an ace starter.

52. bigglou115 Posted: March 02, 2013 at 02:12 AM (#4378974)

I'd also ask, why not Brewster? He could get anybody out once, he even went through the heart of the Yankees order before running out of gas in a third consecutive inning. Seems like he'd be the perfect wily veteran for the pen.

Here's a ranking of the best fictional players at each position. Some ######## whinging about the state of baseball these days by the author, and a lot of crossover, but it identifies a few more potential players.

As much as I love Major League 1 & 2 (a lot) this list is just too heavy with those movies. Dorn at 3rd? Rube even making the list at C? Not to mention he apparently didn't pay too much attention as Haywood wasn't the one who threw at his kid, it was the relief pitcher they sacrificed Dorn to.

53. Bourbon Samurai is disturbed by bagel developments Posted: March 02, 2013 at 06:17 AM (#4379017)

Clu Haywood was supposed to be a huge star, should clearly be starting.

54. buddaley Posted: March 02, 2013 at 07:45 AM (#4379056)

I assume the team owner is Rhubarb (the cat).

55. My name is Votto, and I love to get blotto Posted: March 02, 2013 at 08:58 AM (#4379101)

Wasn't the guy who played Haywood an actual all-star?

56. tfbg9 Posted: March 02, 2013 at 09:06 AM (#4379106)

"Right-hand hitting Joe Jackson" caused me to chuckle. Good one.

Chip Hilton? 3 sport (at least) phenom?

57. buddaley Posted: March 02, 2013 at 09:27 AM (#4379118)

Pete Vuckovich played Haywood. He was a Cy Young winner in 1982 and a rotation regular primarily for the Cards and Brewers in the late 1970s, early 1980s. Strangely, even in his Cy Young season, he seems never to have been on an all-star team.

58. booond Posted: March 02, 2013 at 10:48 AM (#4379148)

Brock Rutherford, starting pitcher.

59. Dock Ellis on Acid

Posted: March 02, 2013 at 11:03 AM (#4379153)

Even TFA article mentions that Haywood was a triple crown winner. I wonder if the author did not want to make the starting lineup Major League heavy, or forgot that he was a 1B (he picked off WMH on Opening Day by pointing out his shoes were untied).

60. MNB Posted: March 02, 2013 at 12:33 PM (#4379179)

I'm not convinced that you really need a five man rotation if you've got Steve Nebraska. I'm thinking three man rotation, at most. Also, you've got to get his bat in the line up every day.

61. cardsfanboy

Posted: March 02, 2013 at 01:51 PM (#4379197)

Pete Vuckovich played Haywood. He was a Cy Young winner in 1982 and a rotation regular primarily for the Cards and Brewers in the late 1970s, early 1980s. Strangely, even in his Cy Young season, he seems never to have been on an all-star team.

I didn't realize that, I always pointed to Kirk Gibson as an MVP without an all star appearance, never thought to look for a pitchers equivalent.

62. Der-K: downgraded to lurker Posted: March 02, 2013 at 04:46 PM (#4379259)

58 - we're counting books now?

63. booond Posted: March 02, 2013 at 04:52 PM (#4379263)

58 - we're counting books now?

Roy Hobbs and Henry Wiggen are characters from novels.

64. Gamingboy Posted: March 02, 2013 at 05:10 PM (#4379273)

I seem to remember, as a kid, reading a book about a kid who only hits home runs. He'd belong on the team.

65. puck Posted: March 02, 2013 at 05:28 PM (#4379281)

Roy Hobbs and Henry Wiggen are characters from novels.

That also had movies made.

66. booond Posted: March 02, 2013 at 05:34 PM (#4379282)

That also had movies made.

The characters came from novels.

67. booond Posted: March 02, 2013 at 05:48 PM (#4379291)

That also had movies made.

The characters came from novels.

68. Der-K: downgraded to lurker Posted: March 02, 2013 at 06:09 PM (#4379297)

Sure, like lots of stuff. But they were in movies - like pretty much everybody else here.

69. haven Posted: March 02, 2013 at 06:12 PM (#4379298)

Montgomery Brewster in the pen?

Spike Nolan was at least as good as Crash Davis.

70. phatj Posted: March 02, 2013 at 06:13 PM (#4379299)

If you just go by the title of the article, baseball characters from novels would certainly qualify. The author limited it to movie characters in his text, however (then went on to break his own rule by including Sam Malone and Kenny Powers).

71. phatj Posted: March 02, 2013 at 06:15 PM (#4379301)

Double post

72. phatj Posted: March 02, 2013 at 06:17 PM (#4379303)

Triple post

73. WSPanic Posted: March 02, 2013 at 06:58 PM (#4379314)

I question whether Darryl Palmer from The Slugger's Wife had a better single year in RF than Roy Hobbs did.

As far as I know, they were both pretty much one-year wonders.

74. Walt Davis Posted: March 02, 2013 at 10:54 PM (#4379405)

Brock Rutherford, starting pitcher.

He's a fictional fictional character.

75. tfbg9 Posted: March 02, 2013 at 11:56 PM (#4379442)

Anybody else remember the 60's Peanuts panels where Schultz would draw various characters at bat, swinging from the heels, with a little exploded asterick kind of symbol surrounding their batting averages, marking the spot where wood met horsehide? In my minds eye, I envision Snoopy and Linus and Peppermint Patty could rake...

76. bjhanke Posted: March 03, 2013 at 06:28 AM (#4379644)

Snoopy, over the decades, was essentially portrayed as Honus Wagner on a lousy team - the only player worth having, but an absolute superstar. However, if you're counting books now, The Kid From Tomkinsville plays right field and hits third, and you have to have the identical twin double play combination at least on the bench. - Brock Hanke

77. Rennie's Tenet Posted: March 03, 2013 at 10:08 AM (#4379682)

Catcher: Bruce Pearson of "Bang the Drum Slowly" was "not a bad ball player neither when they gave him the chance." Also, Red Traphagen had been a fine catcher, though by the time of the movie he comes back as a coach.

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