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Thursday, August 23, 2012

Tommy Lasorda’s hilarious death wish

I’m no longer in the kitchen…tombstone blue.

At 84, it’s understandable when Lasorda begins to discuss his plans for the afterlife. But who would have thought the longtime L.A. Dodgers manager’s afterlife plans would be so hilarious?

In an interview with the Los Angeles Times, Lasorda detailed his tombstone design.

“I’ve already told my wife that when I do go I want our home schedule attached to my tombstone,” Lasorda said. “I want people who are in the cemetery visiting their loved ones to say, ‘Let’s go to Lasorda’s grave and see if the Dodgers are playing home or away.’

Lasorda added:

“Hey, I love this organization so much I want to be working for it even after I’m dead.”

Repoz Posted: August 23, 2012 at 03:33 AM | 39 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
Tags: dodgers

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1. RMc is not going to get into too many specifics Posted: August 23, 2012 at 06:22 AM (#4215526)

“I want people who are in the cemetery visiting their loved ones to say, ‘Let’s go to Lasorda’s grave and see if the Dodgers are playing home or away.’

Lasorda is dumber than...actually, that's kinda cool.

2. Fernigal McGunnigle has become a merry hat Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:08 AM (#4215541)

If you go to really old cemeteries you'll often see attached to the better quality tombstones some sort of mention of the deceased's job, maybe just a line announcing that he used to be a printer or whatever, or occasionally a little bit of statuary relating to the old job. That's largely disappeared, to the point that in a modern cemetery you will see very, very little of this, maybe a mention of family, and often some semi-generic biblical reference or something like that. This is a real shame, as our jobs largely define us, at least those of us who hold one job long enough that it might go on to a tombstone. Without that information you really can't get beyond a name and some dates and maybe a family relationship or two. So not only am I entirely in favor of Lasorda's idea, but I think that everyone should do something similar.

3. gef the talking mongoose Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:17 AM (#4215544)

If I end up with a tombstone -- I don't have a will or for that matter any family to speak of, but I sort of expect to be cremated* -- I hope it says, "He was a mongoose. And he talked."

*For years & years, I expressed the hope that my ashes would be thrown in Ronald Reagan's eyes. That possibility, of course, was taken away from me by a cruel & vengeful god.

4. AndrewJ Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:22 AM (#4215546)

Lasorda's been telling that story for at least 30 years.

5. Shooty is in the Trust Tree

Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:38 AM (#4215553)

I fully expect my ashes to be scattered haphazardly in the parking lot of a 7-11 where they will exist for all time stuck in a mixture of a spilled Coke Slurpee and asphalt. Immortality, people. It doesn't get any better than that!

6. Rants Mulliniks (formerly Cold Prosimian) Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:40 AM (#4215554)

On a similar note, all old property deeds listed a man's occupation as well. It really helps when doing genealogy, especially if you have a line of ancestors with a common first name. I was helping a guy last week whose great-great grandfather was named John Matthews. His first son was named John, and then when his first wife died and he remarried, his first son by the second wife was also named John. And of course he had a nephew named John.

7. zonk Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:51 AM (#4215563)

I wish for my ashes to be scattered in that month's OTP thread when I die.

I hereby entrust all you to perform this solemn duty when the time comes. All I ask is that you bring a fan and turn it on, then scatter me the moment someone I disagree with opens their mouth - having the last word doesn't get any better than that, I think.

If the technology doesn't yet exist to digitize my cremains, then kindly deposit me into Ed Lynch's gas tank when he's not looking.

8. AndrewJ Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:53 AM (#4215565)

I wouldn't mind having my ashes scattered on the shores of Otsego Lake in Cooperstown.

9. Shooty is in the Trust Tree

Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:54 AM (#4215567)

I hereby entrust all you to perform this solemn duty when the time comes. All I ask is that you bring a fan and turn it on, then scatter me the moment someone I disagree with opens their mouth - having the last word doesn't get any better than that, I think.

If the technology doesn't yet exist to digitize my cremains, then kindly deposit me into Ed Lynch's gas tank when he's not looking.

We'll probably just flush you down the toilet, TBH.

10. zonk Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:59 AM (#4215571)

Sprinkling me on Shooty's breakfast when he's not looking would also be acceptable.

11. Shooty is in the Trust Tree

Posted: August 23, 2012 at 08:03 AM (#4215574)

Sprinkling me on Shooty's breakfast when he's not looking would also be acceptable.

Hell, sprinkle it when I'm looking. I bet you taste like Fruit Loops or a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich fresh from the microwave. Those two things are pretty much the same, right?

12. zonk Posted: August 23, 2012 at 08:08 AM (#4215582)

Hell, sprinkle it when I'm looking. I bet you taste like Fruit Loops or a Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwich fresh from the microwave. Those two things are pretty much the same, right?

I am dropping soooooo much acid on my death bed...

13. Shooty is in the Trust Tree

Posted: August 23, 2012 at 08:11 AM (#4215585)

I am dropping soooooo much acid on my death bed...

Why wait? We're clearly not doing anything important RIGHT NOW!

14. zonk Posted: August 23, 2012 at 08:25 AM (#4215599)

On the contrary, I'm told estate planning is an important task one must undertake, however uncomfortable the topic.

15. The Long Arm of Rudy Law Posted: August 23, 2012 at 08:33 AM (#4215606)

I want to be scattered on the parking lot that used to be old Comiskey, but I don't want to be cremated.

16. phredbird

Posted: August 23, 2012 at 08:34 AM (#4215607)

Lasorda's been telling that story for at least 30 years.

that's how long we've been waiting for him to kick!

sorry, i know that's in bad taste. btw, tommy has been having bad dizzy spells. he still goes to games anyway, hanging on to anybody and anything that will prop him up. getting old is a real drag when you still want to do things.

i've asked my gf to make sure i'm cremated and to spread my ashes on the mediterranean. at least someone will get a nice vacation out of carrying out my last wishes.

17. Fernigal McGunnigle has become a merry hat Posted: August 23, 2012 at 09:57 AM (#4215691)

I've been telling some of the same stories for 30 years. 30 years ago I was 10, which tells you how stupid those stories are.

If you go to Keats' tomb in Rome you'll see little pots placed haphazardly around it, clearly the ashes of people who wanted some sort of temporary immortality. This is in bad taste.

I'd like to be mulched, or at least shoved into an Eco Pod and stuck in the back garden.

EDIT: BTW, my favorite famous person grave, and this surprised me, is Douglas Adams' site in Highgate Cemetery. There are little flower holders in front of it that people stick pens into, and it really works and is surprisingly affecting (much better than the stupid remembrance stones that ruined, for example, W.G. Sebald's otherwise very austere grave). I gave up a new 4-color Bic for Adams. I think he'd appreciate it.

18. chemdoc Posted: August 23, 2012 at 10:10 AM (#4215705)

*For years & years, I expressed the hope that my ashes would be thrown in Ronald Reagan's eyes. That possibility, of course, was taken away from me by a cruel & vengeful god.

Oh, I don't know about that. With some clever planning you may be able to arrange for his crypt to be opened...

19. Shooty is in the Trust Tree

Posted: August 23, 2012 at 10:15 AM (#4215710)

EDIT: BTW, my favorite famous person grave, and this surprised me, is Douglas Adams' site in Highgate Cemetery. There are little flower holders in front of it that people stick pens into, and it really works and is surprisingly affecting (much better than the stupid remembrance stones that ruined, for example, W.G. Sebald's otherwise very austere grave). I gave up a new 4-color Bic for Adams. I think he'd appreciate it.

When I lived in Oxford, MS it was customary to share a drink with William Faulkner at his grave by pouring some whisky/bourbon on it. Not a lot of grass on his plot...

20. Hack Wilson Posted: August 23, 2012 at 10:19 AM (#4215715)

I have opted for an open air cremation like I saw (and smelled) in Nepal. I hope my neighbors don't mind, heck they barbecue all the time.

21. Don Geovany Soto (chris h.) Posted: August 23, 2012 at 10:33 AM (#4215738)

I want my ashes stashed in a large cabinet. Said cabinet will have a video screen and various controls. There will be a coin slot. Insert a quarter and you can play a game of Joust. The money should be donated to the EFF.

22. Dan Szymborski

Posted: August 23, 2012 at 10:46 AM (#4215758)

When I die, I want to be embalmed and hung from the ceiling at a Cracker Barrel to terrify customers.

23. Shooty is in the Trust Tree

Posted: August 23, 2012 at 10:48 AM (#4215759)

When I die, I want to be embalmed and hung from the ceiling at a Cracker Barrel to terrify customers.

Isn't that what the food is for?

24. Gonfalon Bubble Posted: August 23, 2012 at 10:56 AM (#4215770)

Mel Blanc's gravesite epitaph is well-known and wonderful, but for brevity and brilliance this is the best celebrity headstone I've ever seen.

25. Rafael Bellylard: Built like a Fielder Posted: August 23, 2012 at 11:01 AM (#4215779)

I've told my wife she can do whatever she wants with my remains, including a toss into a dumpster. I'll be beyond caring about it.

But if I have to have a gravestone, the epitaph on this one will work for me.

26. Don Geovany Soto (chris h.) Posted: August 23, 2012 at 11:18 AM (#4215807)

If I were famous for something, I'd be cool with a tombstone with a witty remark (Dangerfield's is pretty damned good), but as it is, I agree with #25: I really don't care at all. Whatever my wife and/or kids want to do.

27. Fernigal McGunnigle has become a merry hat Posted: August 23, 2012 at 11:45 AM (#4215851)

I love cemeteries. If I die wealthy I want a nice spread in an attractive cemetery, because I want my burial to help fund that cemetery for future people to enjoy.

My favorite famous person grave is Thoreau's tiny headstone in the family plot. It's sad and very perfect for the man. My favorite cemetery is the Protestant Cemetery in Rome, which is ridiculously attractive, piled against the Aurelian wall, and has a pyramid in the back of it.

28. Rants Mulliniks (formerly Cold Prosimian) Posted: August 23, 2012 at 12:08 PM (#4215886)

I don't care either. A friend of mine's boss was lived in Tibet for two years, and he was telling him about the custom of sky burials. There is a designated body dismemberer in each village, and he along with the family of the deceased dissects the body into pieces small enough to be carried away by scavenging birds. Sounds like a cool way to go, but I wouldn't ask my wife to dissect my dead body.

29. Johnny Sycophant-Laden Fora Posted: August 23, 2012 at 12:11 PM (#4215891)

I fully expect my ashes to be scattered haphazardly in the parking lot of a 7-11 where they will exist for all time stuck in a mixture of a spilled Coke Slurpee and asphalt.

I used to watch the show Wings
There was an episode where the elderly receptionist/ticket taker was going out to scatter her husbands ashes over the ocean to honor his last request, and of course of the pilots offers to take her up, so what happens is they go up, hit turbulence, the ashes get scattered in the plane, pilot brother #2 vacuums the ashes up in a portable vacuum cleaner... vacuum is accidentally dropped out the window without any scattering of ashes...

Plane returns, widow is distraught, someone comes in, goes up to her, "didn't you used to know so and so?" "Yes, my husband hated him, he cheated us and later bought a boat that he's parade in front of us"
"Oh you'll love this then, his boatt sank an hour ago, they just fished him out- believe it or not he claims that a vacuum cleaner fell out of the sky and smashed right through his hull"

Widow who has started being on the verge of tears again, smiles and looks up as the show fades out.

30. zenbitz Posted: August 23, 2012 at 12:11 PM (#4215892)

I have to admit - I heard this anecdote last night watching the Giants/Dodgers, and I have to say that it is THE ONLY SINGLE redeeming thing I have ever heard about Lasorda. Ever. These days he could probably get a solar powered flat screen grave stone so he could have the Dodgers schedule every year, highlights.

I can't be the first person to think of multimedia grave markers, can I?

/googles

Of course, it's patented: http://www.google.com/patents/US20060236326

31. Rants Mulliniks (formerly Cold Prosimian) Posted: August 23, 2012 at 12:34 PM (#4215934)

My favourite funeral scene of all time is from The Big Lebowski when Walter tries to dump the coffee can of Donnie's ashes over the cliff, only to have a gust of wind blow them in the Dude's face. I showed that scene to a friend of mine who had never seen the movie and was grieving the loss of his grandmother, in an attempt to show him the lighter side of death. Not sure if he appreciated it or not.

32. Adward Posted: August 23, 2012 at 12:44 PM (#4215955)

Oh, I don't know about that. With some clever planning you may be able to arrange for his crypt to be opened...

You might be disappointed to find the coffin empty, so you'll have to be even cleverer. Start with a dozen chicken wings, use only the left ones. Coat in 1/2 ashes and fry them up. Serve in espagnole sauce and adorn with one red savina pepper per wing. Add remaining ashes to serviette upon serving. His cravings will overcome him as surely as the savina will his tear ducts.

For more recipes you can pick up Cooking with Cartman wherever fine books are sold.

33. Fred Lynn Nolan Ryan Sweeney Agonistes Posted: August 23, 2012 at 01:03 PM (#4215990)

I have gone with Amazing GF to visit the tree where my ashes should go. And if that doesn't work out for whatever reason, I just asked her to go for a walk in the woods & think kind thoughts about me; that's plenty for me.

Favorite gravesite might be Henry Fielding's, which is in Lisbon. The grave itself is nothing special, but I have fond memories of a really nice day going around the city, deciding to visit the site, and eventually finding it. Streetcars, that kind of stuff.

All-time favorite epitaph is Spike Milligan: "I Told You I Was Ill."

34. Manny Coon Posted: August 23, 2012 at 01:10 PM (#4216000)

Roast Beef's funeral idea sounds appealing: http://achewood.com/?date=11052004

35. just plain joe Posted: August 23, 2012 at 01:52 PM (#4216074)

We scattered my uncle's ashes on the front straight at Churchill Downs. The man truly loved horse racing and decided that was what he wanted. We didn't know if this would be possible but the people at Churchill said they got several requests for this per year, and they actually had a process in place to deal with and assist the families.

36. Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Griffin (Vlad) Posted: August 23, 2012 at 03:05 PM (#4216184)

When I die, I want to be embalmed and hung from the ceiling at a Cracker Barrel to terrify customers.

My standing instructions to my family are that I want to be stuffed and mounted in a ferocious-yet-lifelike pose. Something along these lines is what I was imagining, though being a part of a larger display like this one would also be acceptable, if the opportunity opened up.

37. gef the talking mongoose Posted: August 23, 2012 at 03:15 PM (#4216196)

Maybe your stuffed corpse could be displayed squaring off against Alex Rodriguez in centaur mode.

That would be awesome.

38. SteveM. Posted: August 23, 2012 at 07:07 PM (#4216342)

My favorite funeral was the guy who dumped his Dad's ashes on the Wrigley vines during a game. The way the Cubs have played lately, its more like purgatory then heaven.

39. Jim Kaat on a hot Gene Roof Posted: August 26, 2012 at 01:52 AM (#4218417)

I want my ashes dumped in Szymborski's computer or thrown on Nieporent's Pinto's windshield right before he exits this ramp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkkXHjQSyEI

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Tommy Lasorda’s hilarious death wish

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