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Saturday, January 26, 2013

Washington Nationals welcome Taft as new racer

...

the Washington Nationals will race a new president this season - President William H. Taft.

Coot Veal and Cot Deal make $486 every day Posted: January 26, 2013 at 12:28 AM | 27 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
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1. G.W.O. Posted: January 26, 2013 at 07:12 AM (#4355358)

Polk outrageously overlooked again... He has a 1.000 OPS (Oregon Parallels Secured), 6.7 WAR (Wars Angering Republicans) and 6.3 VORP (Vetos On Rivers/Ports).

2. AndrewJ Posted: January 26, 2013 at 08:13 AM (#4355364)

A 300-pound man sprinting in 90+ degree heat every summer night in DC... What could possibly go wrong?

According to The Post, Taft had a very close relationship with baseball, and even started the ceremonial first pitch in 1910. Apparently, he is also to thank for the seventh-inning stretch.

Taft didn't invent the seventh-inning stretch, which dates back to the late 19th century (though he might have revived its popularity)...

3. McCoy Wilfong for Money Posted: January 26, 2013 at 10:03 AM (#4355374)

called it.

4. Neutral Milk Dotel (Dan Lee) Posted: January 26, 2013 at 10:06 AM (#4355375)

It's going to be tough to run while stuck in a bathtub.

5. OsunaSakata Posted: January 26, 2013 at 10:55 AM (#4355391)

Who's the commander-in-chief that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Taft!

6. Publius Publicola Posted: January 26, 2013 at 10:56 AM (#4355392)

If they wanted a fatty, they should have gone for Chester Arthur. He made Taft look like Calista Flockhart.

7. jobu Posted: January 26, 2013 at 11:11 AM (#4355399)

So he's going to stop 13/18ths of the way through the race in a mistaken belief it's over?

8. Wins Above Paul Westerberg Posted: January 26, 2013 at 11:20 AM (#4355404)

Alright, so new question: Since Taft was also a member of the Supreme Court, who would you put in your hypothetical Racing Justices competition?

9. Pasta-diving Jeter (jmac66) Posted: January 26, 2013 at 11:44 AM (#4355411)

Alright, so new question: Since Taft was also a member of the Supreme Court, who would you put in your hypothetical Racing Justices competition?

Whizzer White would blow everyone away

10. Neutral Milk Dotel (Dan Lee) Posted: January 26, 2013 at 12:10 PM (#4355427)

Who's the commander-in-chief that's a sex machine to all the chicks? Taft!

Damn right.

Hypothetical racing justices: If you wanted to do a cross-promotion with Milwaukee's racing sausages, you'd need Felix Frankfurter.

11. Crispix Attacks 2: Swag Airlines Posted: January 26, 2013 at 12:15 PM (#4355430)

Since nobody knows what the old Supreme Court justices looked like, they have to have evocative names that become part of their image.

Frankfurter
Burger
Salmon P. Chase
Jay (powdered wig, Blue Jays jersey)

12. fra paolo Posted: January 26, 2013 at 01:16 PM (#4355482)

I think this is a horrid mistake, and I have no idea what they were thinking. The Miami Homer Machine is in better taste.

13. Slivers of Maranville (SdeB) Posted: January 26, 2013 at 01:24 PM (#4355486)

So is Taft going to replace Teddy, only to have Teddy unretire and beat him four years later?

14. Crispix Attacks 2: Swag Airlines Posted: January 26, 2013 at 01:32 PM (#4355492)

Taft claims that they're going to race together.

15. The District Attorney Posted: January 26, 2013 at 02:40 PM (#4355536)

Thoroughly approve.

16. Bob T Posted: January 26, 2013 at 02:55 PM (#4355548)

Of presidents who were renominated for a 2nd term, nobody else fared worse in the Electoral College. He won two states, Utah and Vermont. And he won Vermont by 723 votes. Compared to the Rushmore group that the Nats trot out, this is like filing out you all-time All-Star team with Ty Wigginton as the third baseman instead of Mike Schmidt.

17. The Yankee Clapper Posted: January 26, 2013 at 03:49 PM (#4355586)

The problem is that Taft doesn't really fit with the Rushmore Four. Not really in the same ballpark as far as Presidential greatness. The solution -- make him one of a cast of lesser Presidents rotated into the Prez Race every season or two. Get those bobble heads while you can!

For those who missed it on the other thread, a collection of Taft fat jokes & anecdotes.

18. Matt Clement of Alexandria Posted: January 26, 2013 at 03:53 PM (#4355588)

I still remember Dave Barry's line. "William Howard Taft, who ran on a platform of reinforced concrete..."

19. Gamingboy Posted: January 26, 2013 at 04:04 PM (#4355599)

The Supreme Court race would have Clarence Thomas. His twitter feed would look like this:

"...."
"...."
"...."
".... no."
"...."
"...."
"...."
"...."
"...."

20. GregD Posted: January 27, 2013 at 03:54 PM (#4356041)

He and TR should give each other the "water cure" in honor of their Philippines escapades.

21. Delorians Posted: February 01, 2013 at 09:07 PM (#4360460)

He won two states, Utah and Vermont.

100 years later, that looks odd. Hard to think of two states less likely to be on the same side of the Electoral College anytime in the near future.

22. McCoy Wilfong for Money Posted: February 01, 2013 at 09:24 PM (#4360466)

You know I just now got that the presidents involved in the race are the presidents on Mt. Rushmore and that, in all probability, was the deciding factor when deciding which presidents would be represented in the race.

23. The District Attorney Posted: February 01, 2013 at 09:56 PM (#4360481)

BTW, with the report that Taft will not be portrayed as morbidly obese, I now thoroughly disapprove.

24. Jack Carter, calling Beleaguered Castle Posted: February 01, 2013 at 11:44 PM (#4360521)

The Supreme Court race would have Clarence Thomas. His twitter feed would look like this:

"...."
"...."
"...."
".... no."
"...."
"...."
"...."
"...."
"...."

I don't know what a twitter feed is, but this seems like it should be funny, and at Clarence Thomas's expense, which is always a good thing. Can someone explain...?

25. cercopithecus aethiops Posted: February 02, 2013 at 01:43 AM (#4360548)

BTW, with the report that Taft will not be portrayed as morbidly obese, I now thoroughly disapprove.

He will, however, have a very fat head.

26. boteman Posted: February 02, 2013 at 04:34 AM (#4360568)

He will, however, have a very fat head.

The graphic that I saw made him look very much like the brother of the Monopoly man.

Maybe the Nats will rotate the 5th president each year, so we have another shot at a real tubbo like Chester A. Arthur in 2014. Or if the Nats sink back into the toilet maybe they could run out Hoover and blame it on him; have the Nats players camp out in Hoovervilles.

27. BDC

Posted: February 02, 2013 at 10:02 AM (#4360586)

a real tubbo like Chester A. Arthur

Install a diving pool and have Taft, McKinley, Cleveland, and Arthur compete in a cannonball contest.

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Saturday, January 26, 2013

Washington Nationals welcome Taft as new racer

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