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Transaction Oracle
— A Timely Look at Transactions as They Happen

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Team - Reportedly Lands Teixeira

A team in Major League Baseball has reportedly signed, is close to signing, hopes to sign, or will eventually try to sign 1B Mark Teixeira to a contract lasting from between 1-15 years for an annual salary of between $0 million and $30 million.

According to sources, Mark Teixeira is close to signing a contract with a franchise affiliated with Major League Baseball.  Major League Baseball is best known as the leading presenter of games of baseball, a physio-ergonomic exhibition first described in 1973 in Philip Roth’s Great American Novel.

The deal was also reported, in endlessly contradictory dispatches, by the Associated Press.

Teixeira, who hit .308 with 33 home runs and 121 RBIs in 2008, will receive a contract with an unspecified sub-company in return for being the exclusive provider of first base services.

An anonymous source within baseball, or possibly a person I made up, has denied reports that Teixeira turned down an opportunity to be compensated in a basket of currencies.  Teixeira will receive an unspecified amount denominated in American dollars, a fiat currency developed by Samuel Morse in 1838.

Teixeira’s signing ends a serious breach in temporal mechanics within Major League Baseball, in which John Henry, Arte Moreno, and Heck Steinbrenner all repeatedly simultaneously expressed interest in signing the French-Canadian Teixeira and disinterest in signing the 34-year-old slugger.  Originally believed to only exist in television, movies, and other types of moving Daguerreotype imaging devices, real-world breaches in space-time can now considered to be able to exist in places not contained in Minkowski space, such as Narnia, Bill Conlin’s jowls, and the collective incredulity of AP writers.

Dan Szymborski Posted: December 23, 2008 at 09:40 PM | 11 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
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   1. Fresh Prince of Belisle Posted: December 23, 2008 at 10:05 PM (#3037076)
Sounds like someone isn't happy with the way transactions have been reported lately...
   2. Jose Can Still Seabiscuit Posted: December 23, 2008 at 10:07 PM (#3037085)
I can honestly say this is just as accurate as anything else I've read on this topic in the last ten days.
   3. The Essex Snead Posted: December 23, 2008 at 10:12 PM (#3037099)
This is/was the dollar's 170th year? Time to send that old coot to a nursing home!
   4. The Most Interesting Man In The World Posted: December 23, 2008 at 10:26 PM (#3037146)
This reminds me of the Onion article in 2000 that read "Bush or Gore, the winner of the 2000 Electioin...."
   5. The Most Interesting Man In The World Posted: December 23, 2008 at 10:26 PM (#3037148)
or Election, whatever the case may be.
   6. steagles Posted: December 24, 2008 at 12:42 AM (#3037347)
obligatory onion linkage

Yankees Ensure 2003 Pennant By Signing Every Player In Baseball


NEW YORK—With a week to go before pitchers and catchers report for spring training, the New York Yankees shored up their pitching, hitting, and defense Monday by signing every player in professional baseball.

"We'd like to welcome the entire roster of Major League Baseball into the Yankees family," said team owner George Steinbrenner, watching as the franchise's 928 newest additions held up their pinstripes at a Yankee Stadium press conference. "With these acquisitions, we are in position to finally nab that elusive 27th World Series title."

Sports reporters were not surprised by the move.

"This is not entirely unexpected," New York Times baseball writer Murray Chass said. "When the Yankees followed up their signing of Japanese slugger Hideki 'Godzilla' Matsui by annexing Cuba for use as a Triple-A farm club, it was clear that Steinbrenner was willing to do whatever it takes to win."

By noon, Yankees GM Brian Cashman had signed the entire National League and most of the American League to multi-year contracts. Some 10 hours later, the final opposing player, Texas Rangers shortstop Alex Rodriguez, had been acquired by the Yankees, who bought out the remainder of his $252 million contract for $300 million.

"It's an honor to be part of this team," said catcher Benito Santiago, picked up from the San Francisco Giants as insurance in case catchers Jorge Posada, Ivan Rodriguez, and Mike Piazza all go down with injuries. "It's a surprise, certainly, but I'd be crazy to turn down the opportunity to play on what is, by default, the greatest team in baseball."

Yankees manager Joe Torre, whose pitching rotation, prior to the mass signing, lacked a clear seventh ace, now has the luxury of starting each of his hurlers twice a season.

"As they say, you can never have enough pitching in this league," Torre said. "Especially come playoff time. Now, if we make it to the World Series, we'll be able to start Pedro Martinez in Game 1 and still have him fresh and ready to go for a Game 287, should it be necessary."

With so many egos to juggle and so many personnel decisions to make, Torre said his job will actually be harder this season, the lack of opposing players notwithstanding.

"Hey, I don't care who you've got on your team; winning in this league is tough—Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson or no Sammy Sosa, Barry Bonds, and Randy Johnson," Torre said. "And it's even tougher in New York. This is a baseball town, and some of these fans think the Yankees are the only team in baseball. Now that we truly are, the pressure to win will be that much greater."

The mass signing, extravagant even by Yankees standards, caused the Bronx Bombers' payroll to skyrocket from a former league high of $149 million to $5.6 billion. Cashman noted that much of that figure is tied up in bonuses to be paid out to pitcher Tom Glavine, who at 37 will almost certainly not play out the entirety of his 15-year contract.

Baseball commissioner Bud Selig approved the signing, noting that the other 29 major-league teams received ample financial compensation.

"I see no reason why a small-market team like the Twins or Expos can't continue to remain competitive, just because it lacks players," Selig said. "The league was due for contraction, anyway."
   7. 6 - 4 - 3 Posted: December 24, 2008 at 01:26 AM (#3037376)
I'm pretty sure Tex isn't 34. Yep, BBRef confirms that 2009 will be his age 29 season.
   8. Mark R. Garber Posted: December 24, 2008 at 01:30 AM (#3037378)

I'm pretty sure Tex isn't 34. Yep, BBRef confirms that 2009 will be his age 29 season.


I'm pretty sure that was part of the joke. He's certainly not French-Canadian either and there's no Heck Steinbrenner. Not to mention the history of the greenback and baseball.
   9. Hello Rusty Kuntz, Goodbye Rusty Cars Posted: December 24, 2008 at 01:35 AM (#3037380)
I have a source that says a non-MLB team is involved.
   10. 6 - 4 - 3 Posted: December 24, 2008 at 01:35 AM (#3037381)
Oh okay... I only scanned the last paragraph and the numerals stood out.

Carry on. :)
   11. Don Malcolm Posted: December 24, 2008 at 05:53 AM (#3037489)
Dan, shouldn't that have been Herk Steinbrenner? Or are you watching old Richard Boone TV series as you auto-write this?? :-)

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