Selig To Consider Additional Contraction Targets
A scoop for Szymborski?
With MLBs attempt to contract two
of their thirty franchises this past winter thwarted by an activist judge in
Minnesota, Commissioner Allan H. "Bud" Selig is now forced to take
drastic measures in order to save Americas national pastime.
Caption 2: Buffalo residents
will not have the luxury of looking forward to the anticipation of mourning
the loss of their home team in hindsight as a result of Seligs controversial
"Its clear that baseballs financial structure
is completely out of whack with reality," said Selig in a news conference
Thursday in Milwaukee. "With the MLBPA not cooperating with our generous
offer of a revenue-sharing system that would restore hope
and faith to the 28 teams that have no chance of either making the playoffs
or raising adequate revenues, we now face the very real possibility that between
30 and 35 teams will go bankrupt between now and some indeterminate time in
After some cryptic remarks involving liberal use of the words hope and faith,
Richard Levin, spokesman for Selig, expanded on Seligs remarks.
|Caption 3: Giants Slugger Barry Bonds, who could owe MLB over
$8,000,000 and lose over 150 career home runs in Selig’s new contraction
"Just contracting some of the franchises that constitute the organization
known as Major League Baseball is not enough at this point. With financial insolvency
staring us in the face, were forced by the MLBPA to consider contracting
future franchises such as the Buffalo Wings and the next incarnation of the
Washington Senators. Buffalo residents have been slow to replace Dunn Tire Park
in anticipation of the possibility of the chance of MLB expanding into upstate
New York. Since our figures already show the future of MLB threatened by future
expansion teams that currently dont exist, you can only imagine the negative
impact on Major League Baseball if we reached a point at which these non-existent
franchised existed in a state of actual existence. Franchise fees won’t even
cover a year of our bribery expenses."
After a short break to distribute materials to the press, Levin
continued with Bud Seligs presentation.
"There does, unfortunately, exist the chance that the partisan
opponents of contraction will attempt to halt our restructuring in another example
of tragic intrusion of government into a privately-owned organization. If we
do, in fact, decide to recognize the jurisdiction of the American government,
there are some additional plans that we are currently considering."
"One plan were considering is that of retroactive contraction. The
bonus with this plan is it can be done with any number of teams and theres
no deadline for implementation. Retroactive contraction, to be perfectly frank,
involves contracting teams retroactively. For instance, if the Montreal Expos
are selected as a target for retroactive contraction, we would simply contract
all Montreal Expo events back to an undetermined point of time. How could Jeff
Fassero keep the $2,800,000 he received from the Expos as compensation for the
1996 season if the 1996 season never took place? He cant and we believe
that baseballs arbitrator, Shyam Das, will also agree that players cant
collect money when they dont fulfill the requirements of their contract."
|Caption 4: MLB’s proposed currency, which will be considered
legal tender in all 48 states and Canada with the exception that it cannot
be used in exchange for goods or services.
"Cooperation is a two-way street," said Selig, returning to the podium
to end the day’s remarks, "but negotiation is a one-way street that ends
outside my fabulous mansion. When the players finally realize this, we’ll finally
make some progress in saving the national pastime."
Not surprisingly, after Commissioner Selig’s press conference,
Don Fehr had some choice words about the framework for baseball’s future as
laid out by MLB’s Dapper Don.
"Perhaps the worst thing about this news conference is
that it consisted of Bud Selig’s least implausible ideas. Not mentioned to the
news media but saved for the negotiating table include proposals such as a salary
cap with thresholds set based on Commissioner Selig’s mood on any given day
and all future contracts being paid in a currency printed by Major League Baseball.
Not even Kenny Williams would agree to that."
EDITORS NOTE: In case this isn’t over the
top enough for you, I’d like to mention that none of this has taken place anywhere
other than Dan’s very fertile imagination.
Posted: June 13, 2002 at 05:00 AM | 4 comment(s)
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