Selig To Consider Additional Contraction Targets

A scoop for Szymborski?

With MLB’s attempt to contract two   of their thirty franchises this past winter thwarted by an activist judge in   Minnesota, Commissioner Allan H. "Bud" Selig is now forced to take   drastic measures in order to save America’s national pastime.

Caption 2: Buffalo residents       will not have the luxury of looking forward to the anticipation of mourning       the loss of their home team in hindsight as a result of Selig’s controversial       announcement.

"It’s clear that baseball’s financial structure   is completely out of whack with reality," said Selig in a news conference   Thursday in Milwaukee. "With the MLBPA not cooperating with our generous   offer of a revenue-sharing system that would restore hope   and faith to the 28 teams that have no chance of either making the playoffs   or raising adequate revenues, we now face the very real possibility that between   30 and 35 teams will go bankrupt between now and some indeterminate time in   the future."

After some cryptic remarks involving liberal use of the words hope and faith, Richard Levin, spokesman for Selig, expanded on Selig’s remarks.

Caption 3: Giants Slugger Barry Bonds, who could owe MLB over     $8,000,000 and lose over 150 career home runs in Selig’s new contraction     plan.

"Just contracting some of the franchises that constitute the organization   known as Major League Baseball is not enough at this point. With financial insolvency   staring us in the face, we’re forced by the MLBPA to consider contracting   future franchises such as the Buffalo Wings and the next incarnation of the   Washington Senators. Buffalo residents have been slow to replace Dunn Tire Park   in anticipation of the possibility of the chance of MLB expanding into upstate   New York. Since our figures already show the future of MLB threatened by future   expansion teams that currently don’t exist, you can only imagine the negative   impact on Major League Baseball if we reached a point at which these non-existent   franchised existed in a state of actual existence. Franchise fees won’t even   cover a year of our bribery expenses."

After a short break to distribute materials to the press, Levin   continued with Bud Selig’s presentation.

"There does, unfortunately, exist the chance that the partisan   opponents of contraction will attempt to halt our restructuring in another example   of tragic intrusion of government into a privately-owned organization. If we   do, in fact, decide to recognize the jurisdiction of the American government,   there are some additional plans that we are currently considering."

"One plan we’re considering is that of retroactive contraction. The   bonus with this plan is it can be done with any number of teams and there’s   no deadline for implementation. Retroactive contraction, to be perfectly frank,   involves contracting teams retroactively. For instance, if the Montreal Expos   are selected as a target for retroactive contraction, we would simply contract   all Montreal Expo events back to an undetermined point of time. How could Jeff   Fassero keep the $2,800,000 he received from the Expos as compensation for the   1996 season if the 1996 season never took place? He can’t and we believe   that baseball’s arbitrator, Shyam Das, will also agree that players can’t   collect money when they don’t fulfill the requirements of their contract."

Caption 4: MLB’s proposed currency, which will be considered     legal tender in all 48 states and Canada with the exception that it cannot     be used in exchange for goods or services.

"Cooperation is a two-way street," said Selig, returning to the podium   to end the day’s remarks, "but negotiation is a one-way street that ends   outside my fabulous mansion. When the players finally realize this, we’ll finally   make some progress in saving the national pastime."

Not surprisingly, after Commissioner Selig’s press conference,   Don Fehr had some choice words about the framework for baseball’s future as   laid out by MLB’s Dapper Don.

"Perhaps the worst thing about this news conference is   that it consisted of Bud Selig’s least implausible ideas. Not mentioned to the   news media but saved for the negotiating table include proposals such as a salary   cap with thresholds set based on Commissioner Selig’s mood on any given day   and all future contracts being paid in a currency printed by Major League Baseball.   Not even Kenny Williams would agree to that."

EDITORS NOTE: In case this isn’t over the   top enough for you, I’d like to mention that none of this has taken place anywhere   other than Dan’s very fertile imagination.