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Sunday, January 01, 2017

2017 in Review

It’s that time again, time to fire up the ol’ Sox Therapy time machine and take a look back at what happened in 2017;

January 18 – Jeff Bagwell, Tim Raines and Ivan Rodriguez are announced as the 2017 Hall of Famers.  Things get a bit confusing when Bagwell refuses to attend the ceremony unless his plaque has him wearing a New Britain cap.

January 21 – At the Winter Weekend festivities David Price misunderstands what the craps table at Foxwoods is all about and gets in a bit of trouble with his beloved dog Astro.

February 10 – A confused Clay Buchholz shows up in Fort Myers.  Things get even more awkward when he leaves as he is found to have a dozen laptops in his luggage.  “I don’t know how they got there” he says.

February 18 – Pulling into the lot at JetBlue Park Eduardo Rodriguez tweaks his knee pressing the brake too firmly.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks.

February 24 – The Sox open their spring training slate with a 17-1 victory over the Mets.  WEEI’s phone lines light up with complaints about John Farrell’s decision to bring in Chandler Shepherd to close it out.

February 25 – Dave Dombrowski announces he was pleased with what he saw from Shepherd.  “He’s an exciting young prospect that we expect will have a big role to play.”

February 26 – The Red Sox trade Chandler Shepherd for a PTBNL.

March 2 – Tragedy strikes camp when clubhouse man Tommy McLaughlin suffers a massive heart attack.  As he is loaded into the ambulance he is heard saying “dear god, Pablo asked for a salad.”

March 10 – Xander Bogaerts leads the Netherlands to victory in Pool A of the World Baseball Classic.  The Dutch players celebrate their Honkbal victory by playing “got your nose” with confused reporters.

March 16 – Eduardo Rodriguez trips over the foul line while preparing for his first start and tweaks his knee.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks.

March 19 – Mookie Betts slams two home runs to lead the US to its first ever World Baseball Classic title. Mike Trout and Bryce Harper both walk behind him by two steps hunched over.  Harper explains “we are not worthy to stand taller than this great man.  I am not even comfortable looking him in the eye, his benevolence and greatness make me realize my own failings.”

March 22 – Chris Sale burns down JetBlue Park when he gets there and finds no uniform in his locker.  “This is an outrage, I won’t stand for it!”  Sale is embarrassed when he learns that it is an off day and hires Adam and Drake LaRoche to rebuild it as quickly as they can.

March 24 – Pablo Sandoval raises his spring OPS to 1.500 with a three homer game.  After the game he credits the Cobb Salad at the Fort Myers Publix.  Tommy McLaughlin suffers another heart attack.

April 2- At a team dinner before Opening Day Hanley Ramirez opts for Manhattan Clam Chowder rather than New England Clam Chowder.  Twitter responds in the reasoned and balanced way you would expect.

April 3 –Mookie Betts homers for the third consecutive Opening Day and Rick Porcello turns in seven shutout innings as the Sox win 8-0.  Chris Sale is outraged that the Red Sox don’t are wearing white uniforms.  “What is this garbage?  I’m playing for the RED Sox.”  He then punches clubhouse manager Pookie Jackson.

April 17 – The Patriots’ Day game and Boston Marathon both go off without a hitch.  Boston Strong.

April 18 – The Blue Jays honor World Series winner and two time division champion manager John Farrell in a pregame ceremony “just for being John.”

April 21 – Preparing for his first start of the young season Eduardo Rodriguez spills some of the remoulade that came with his crab cake and slips tweaking his knee.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks.

May 1 – Xander Bogaerts is named player of the month after hitting .421/.475/.688.

May 7 – Mookie Betts hits for the cycle and steals two bases as the Sox polish off a sweep of the Twins and build a six game lead in the division.

May 15 – The Sox trade prospect Sam Travis for Kelvin Herrera.

May 24 – Joe Kelly and Tyler Thornburgh combine to strike out ten consecutive batters on Craig Kimbrel bobblehead night.

May 29 – Chris Sale throws a perfect game in his first start against the White Sox.  He sets fire to Ken Harrelson’s suit during the postgame interview.

June 1 – After a rough month with the bat for Christian Vazquez and Sandy Leon, Blake Swihart is handing the starting job behind the plate.  John Farrell says “we are committed to Blake’s long term future as a catcher and expect him to have that role for years to come.”

June 2 – Blake Swihart is sent to Pawtucket after going 0 for 4.  When it is pointed out that he would have gone 4 for 4 but Manny Machado made three diving plays at third base then incredibly robbed him of a home run because he’s Manny Machado John Farrell points out that baseball is about results.

June 8 – Eduardo Rodriguez is about to throw his first pitch of the season when the rosin bag slips out of his hand and lands on his knee tweaking it.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks.

June 16 - The Sox lose a tough one to the Astros in 18 innings.  They take the lead in the top of the 18th when pinch runner Steven Wright steals second and third base then scores on Brock Holt’s suicide squeeze.  Unfrotunately, Wright has to play shortstop in the bottom of the inning and first baseman Mitch Moreland commits four consecutive errors leading to two unearned runs because no one told Wright that maybe the knuckleball wasn’t the best option after fielding a grounder.

June 27 – The Sox trade prospects Bobby Dalbec and Roniel Raudes for catcher Cameron Rupp.

July 1 – In an effort to prove that he will do anything to help the team win Dustin Pedroia goes on the DL after literally running into a brick wall in a pregame workout.  Marco Hernandez moves into the lineup and goes 3 for 4.  In response Dan Shaughnessy pens a column about which no one gives a damn. 

July 9 – The Sox beat Tampa 12-3 behind Drew Pomeranz.  They head to the break with a 14 game lead.

July 10 – Hanley Ramirez wins the home run derby.  Eduardo Rodriguez leaps in the air to celebrate and lands awkwardly tweaking his knee.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks.

July 31 – The Sox trade Rafael Devers, Jason Groome and Blake Swihart to Seattle for Felix Hernandez.  John Farrell says that Hernandez will make an excellent pinch hitter in the World Series.

August 1 – Pablo Sandoval’s weight loss program takes a disturbing turn when he slips through a sewer grate.  Tommy McLaughlin pleads with Sandoval to eat something hefty.  “No, my average is up to .265, I need to stay on the diet!”

August 5 - Due to injuries the Sox have Jackie Bradley positioned as their only outfielder.  No one notices the difference as he sets MLB records for put outs by both a left fielder AND a center fielder in one game.

August 12 – Andrew Benintendi and Dustin Pedroia both have four hits as the Sox beat the Yankees 6-2.  The Sox now have a 19 game lead in the division and the Yankees sit firmly in last place with the worst record in baseball.

August 19 – Having gone several weeks without trading a prospect Dave Dombrowski looks to make a waiver deal.  He decides to trade some of the big league youngsters and has a deal in place to trade Xander Bogaerts, Andrew Benintendi and Jackie Bradley for two PTBNL and a competitive balance pick before VP in Charge of Awesome David Ortiz steps in and guides him away from the telephone.

August 27 – David Price wins his twelfth consecutive start and leads the league in both ERA and strikeouts trailing only Porcello in wins.

September 1 – Mookie Betts wins the Player of the Month Award for August for both the American League AND the National League.  Commissioner Rob Manfred says “yeah, it’s a bit weird but he was just that good.” 

September 9 – The Sox beat Tampa as Craig Kimbrel notches his 40th save of the season.

September 10 – The Sox lose to Tampa for the first time all year.  Pablo Sandoval goes 0 for 5 with an error and leaves 15 men on base.

September 16 – Division champs!  For the first time in club history the Sox clinch a second consecutive division title.  Sports radio lights up with callers explaining that John Farrell still sucks.

September 17 – It is revealed that in the celebration Eduardo Rodriguez slipped on a stray champagne cork and tweaked his knee.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks.

October 1 – The Sox finish a 106-56 season with a win over AL West champion Houston.  Pablo Sandoval flies to centerfield in his final at bat.  It is the first time he has hit a ball to the outfield in September.

October 2 – Oddly, Pablo Sandoval is named Player of the Month.  No one is quite sure why.

October 9 – The Sox finish off a 3-1 ALDS victory over Wild Card winning Texas.  Drew Pomeranz pitches six strong innings and the bullpen finishes it off.  A tough break though as expected LCS game one starter Eduardo Rodriguez tweaks his knee in the party.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks.

October 11 – John Farrell announces that he’s sticking with Pablo Sandoval despite Sandoval not having a hit since the start of mid-August.

October 20 – The Sox win the pennant!  They beat Houston 4 games to 2.  It is a bit of an awkward game as the Sox are trailing much of the way.  Down 5-1 in the 8th inning they load the bases with two outs.  Astro skipper A.J. Hinch brings in trade deadline acquisition Joaquin Benoit to retire slumping Pablo Sandoval.  While fans are physically restrained from murdering John Farrell the Panda rewards his skipper by snapping his 0 for 95 with a grand slam into the Sox’ bullpen.

Unfortunately the line drives slams into Eduardo Rodriguez as he warms up tweaking his knee.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks.

October 31 – The Sox win their fourth World Series title of the 21st century beating the Giants 4 games to 2.  Felix Hernandez’ RBI double plates pinch runner Brandon Workman with the winning run.  John Farrell cannot accept the Commissioners’ Trophy as he is too busy urinating on the front door of WEEI.

November 3 – Horrible scenes at the parade when Eduardo Rodriguez slips off his duck boat.  The ensuing five boats run him over tweaking his knee.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks of post-season workouts.

November 5 – In a ceremony before the Bruins’ game at TD Garden Chris Sale meets Don Cherry who asks if Sale would like to try on his blazer.  The less said about the remainder of this encounter the better.

November 18 – Mookie Betts is named AL MVP.  He walks across the Charles River to collect his trophy which impresses everyone except Mookie himself.  “I just used the bridge, what’s the big deal?”

November 27 – The Sox sign 28 year old free agent first baseman Eric Hosmer.  Dave Dombrowski introduces him at the press conference then wishes him well as he has been traded to Brooklyn for Gil Hodges.  VP in Charge of Awesome Ortiz steps in again to help a befuddled Dombrowski off the stage.

December 25 – The Sox send out a Christmas message of peace and prosperity to all.  Eduardo Rodriguez reads it…and nothing happens.  IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!!

December 26 – Nope. Rodriguez wakes up with a tweaked knee.  He’s expected to miss a couple of weeks.

Jose is El Absurd Pollo Posted: January 01, 2017 at 11:54 AM | 3 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
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Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. villageidiom Posted: January 02, 2017 at 12:01 PM (#5376309)
Excellent!
   2. the Hugh Jorgan returns Posted: January 03, 2017 at 08:57 PM (#5377047)
So to be clear, you expect Rodriguez to possibly miss a few games?

Very funny Jose.

But dammit, why did you change your moniker again? It's taken me months to finally move on from Sea-Biscuit!
   3. Jose is El Absurd Pollo Posted: January 03, 2017 at 09:25 PM (#5377065)
Heh, someone did a search for me on Facebook and found someone with my name who refers to himself as "El Pollo." I felt like that had to be saluted. Let me know when you get used to it so I can change it again!

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