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Sox Therapy
— Where Thinking Red Sox Fans Obsess about the Sox

Tuesday, January 01, 2019

2019: The Year in Review

Happy New Year Theradpudians!  As 2018 morphs into 2019 I thought I would step into the Sox Therapy Time Machine and look back at what happened in 2019 as the Sox defended World Series title #9.

January 6 - Three really smart guys show up at Mookie Betts’ house with gifts for Mookie’s new baby.  They give the baby a copy of Gold Bond powder, Mary Shelley’s “Frankenstein” and much mirth.  They may not be the three smart guys we thought.

January 17 - The Red Sox sign southpaw reliever Zach Britton to a three year deal.  While shaking GM Dave Dombrowski’s hand Britton suddenly starts to shiver and collapses.  Tiger fans nod knowingly.

January 23 - Somehow Brock Holt lines a double to right at Yankee Stadium just because.

February 12 - Pitchers and catchers report to Fort Myers.  Unlike most teams the Red Sox have more catchers than pitchers but Alex Cora insists he will find plenty of playing time for Sandy Leon, Blake Swihart, Christian Vazquez, Dan Butler, Rich Rowland and Marc Sullivan.

February 16 - The Red Sox announce the signing of free agent reliever Adam Ottavino.  At the press conference Dombrowski pats him on the back and Ottavino’s spine just falls to the floor.  Tiger fans nod knowingly.

February 18 - David Price wins a teamwide Fortnite completion.  Middle aged men everywhere including me have no idea what to say about such a thing and just complain that he’s lost focus.

February 22 - The Red Sox open the spring slate with a 13-0 victory over Northeastern.  Chris Sale starts and pitches 1/3 of an inning.  Nathan Eovaldi then finishes the final 8 2/3.  “We need to be ready for anything” says Cora.

March 5 - New closer Matt Barnes walks a batter in a scoreless 5th inning.  Scott Boras calls Dombrowski and tell him Kimbrel is available.

March 17 - Tyler Thornburg is placed on the DL after an unfortunate incident with “green beer.”  It turns out it was a “sample” for Wally the Green Monster’s doctor.  A sample of what?  Let’s just move on.

March 28 - The Sox open the season in Seattle with a 17-0 victory.  JD Martinez, Xander Bogaerts and Mookie Betts all homer.  Nathan Eovaldi is the winner in 7 strong innings of relief.

April 9 - The Red Sox raise banner #9.  In honor of the greatest #9 of all the ice used by the vendors is in the shape of Ted Williams’ head.

April 10 - John Henry apologizes for the “tone deaf” attempt at celebrating Ted Williams the day before.

April 15 - Marathon Monday goes swimmingly.  Crowds cheer, college kids get drunk, the Sox win and huge crowds of people turn out to celebrate this wonderful civic day because we will never be made to live in fear.

April 17 - Brock Holt hits for the cycle in Yankee Stadium twice in one game as the Sox beat the Yankees 28-1.  Aaron Boone is criticized for letting starter Sonny Gray pitch a complete game.

April 23 -  Rafael Devers hits his 12th homer of the month as the Sox make it 24 in a row to start the year. 

April 29 - The Sox finally lose one to Oakland as they are forced to use Holt as a catcher as Vazquez gets injured leaving the Sox with seven catchers on the disabled list.

April 30 - The Sox sign Maria Molina, matriarch of the famous Molina family as a catcher.  At 94 years old she doesn’t have much of a bat but still blocks pitches pretty well.

May 6 - Andrew Benintendi is named People magazines sexiest man alive.  He apologizes to Sox fans since his .304 average is 7th on the team.

May 15 - Chris Sale fans 18 Rockies in 4 innings.  He’s dealing but Abuela Molina is struggling to handle the slider.  After the game it’s revealed that Mookie Betts has to go on the DL after misunderstanding the phrase “mile high.”

May 22 - Ryan Brasier goes on the DL when he uses Dave Dombrowski’s coffee cup accidentally and all his teeth fall out.  Tiger fans nod knowingly.

June 2 - The Red Sox finish off a four game sweep in the Bronx behind JD Martinez’ 3 homers.  Chris Sale is without a win on the season still however as he is lifted with a 12-0 lead after 4 2/3.  Nathan Eovaldi closes out the win as he has in all of Sale’s previous outings working the final 4 1/3 for the victory.

June 14 - The Sox lose to the Orioles.  It’s the Orioles first win of the season as starting pitcher Chris Davis goes six strong innings.  In the final inning the Sox on the bench are openly rooting for the Orioles who hang on for the victory.  The Sox lead in the division over the Yankees is cut to 23 games.

June 27 - Nathan Eovaldi is unable to travel to England due to an expired passport.  This is overshadowed by an ugly incident when Dave Dombrowski meets the England cricket team’s reserve bowler Keaton Jennings.  They have a brief conversation then Jennings just…vanishes.  Tiger fans nod knowingly.

June 28 - In a press conference in London Mookie Betts announces his intention to play for England in the 2022 World Cup.  FIFA declares the tournament unnecessary and awards the title to England.

June 30 - The Yankees beat the Sox for the first time all season 6-5 when the patchwork bullpen falls apart.  The game is overshadowed when Manny Machado accidentally steps on first baseman Mitch Moreland’s heel.  While Machado insists it was an accident the fact that Moreland is on the DL and was sitting in the press box at the time calls his account into question.

July 4 - Playing in Canada on Independence Day the Sox bring their own fireworks with an MLB record 12 homers.  All nine members of the starting lineup homer once and reserves Holt, Swihart and Dana Levangie chip in as well.

July 9 - The American League wins the All Star Game 11-1.  Joe Buck is outraged as AL skipper Alex Cora flouts the rules by having Nathan Eovaldi pitch 7 1/3 innings of relief for the win.  Xander Bogaerts is named MVP of the game after his three hit day.  Things get awkward though as Mike Trout doesn’t play saying “I don’t feel like I should be allowed on the same field as Mookie Betts, he’s just too good.”

July 17 - Dustin Pedroia makes his return to the Red Sox lineup and goes 5 for 5.

July 31 - The Red Sox make no trades at the deadline.  “We have a 44 game lead, why bother” says Dombrowski.

August 7 - The Sox beat the Royals 5-4.  In the ninth Eovaldi notches his 35th save after Cora “just for fun” intentionally walks the first two batters.  Eovaldi then allows singles to left, center and right but Benintendi, Bradley and Betts throw out the runners at the plate for the win.

August 18 - The Sox beat the Orioles 26-0 to run their division lead to 50 games and set an MLB record with their 117th win.

September 1 - The Sox send their entire roster on an all expenses paid trip to Puerto Rico and decide to have the Portland Seadogs play out the season.  The Seadogs keep the ball rolling beating the Angels 5-3.

September 9 - The Seadogs lose the Yankees 6-2.  The game is overshadowed by some ugliness when Manny Machado spikes Bobby Dalbec in the face accidentally.  His account is a bit questionable though as this took place after the game while Dalbec was in the shower.

September 17 - Tragedy strikes at Fenway.  Alex Cora is thrown out of the game so Ron Roenicke relieves him as manager.  The Sox win but after the game Dave Dombrowski hugs Roenicke in congratulations causing Roenicke to spontaneously combust.  Tiger fans nod knowingly.

September 29 - The Sox finish the regular season 151-11 as Nathan Eovaldi pitches 9 innings of relief after a leadoff single is allowed by Chris Sale.  Sale finishes the season 0-0, 0.00.

October 1 - After every writer and commenter in America declares the Sox favorites to repeat Dustin Pedroia says the Sox are disrespected. “Stephen A. Smith thinks we will lose a game in the post-season.  No one believes in us but the 25 guys in this room do! Laser show!”

October 8 - The Sox polish off the Yankees in a three game sweep beating the Bombers 8-7 in the Bronx.  Leading 8-0 in the ninth the Sox allow 7 runs in the ninth with Eovaldi resorting to pitching underhand.  Giancarlo Stanton still can’t get a big hit though and fans twice on Eovaldi’s perplexing slow ball including the final out.

October 16 - The Sox advance to the World Series with a 3 games to none “ubersweep” of the Indians.  Having lost the first three games by an aggregate 58-1 score Terry Francona says “oh the heck with it, I’m taking my team to North Korea, we’ll have more fun there.”

October 24 - The World Series is delayed when Fenway Park is declared unusable after President Trump has Seal Team Six steal the Green Monster.  “I told you Mexico would pay for it, this will take money from Hector Velazquez.”

October 29 - The Sox go up 3 games to none winning the longest game in baseball history 5-4 over the Dodgers in 41 innings.  The hero is Dave Koza who Dave Dombrowski sneakily had added to the roster in case the game went into a lot of extra innings.  Nathan Eovaldi works the final 39 innings in relief despite the fact that his right arm was amputated after his 8 inning relief stint in game two.

October 30 - The Sox notch World Series title number 10 with a 6-0 victory.  Nathan Eovaldi gets the start and goes 4 2/3 before being lifted for Sale.  Sale finishes it up and earns his first win of the season and celebrates by giving Eovaldi the finger.  With two outs in the ninth Textbook Editor actually does piss his pants.  TE Jr. tells him “dad, it’s the Sox, they always win.”  Kids raised as Boston sports fans in the 21st century got it made.

November 1 - Police make the grisly discovery of the body of Dave Dombrowski in the garden of bullpen coach Craig Bjornson.  Bjornson is led away in handcuffs screaming “I can’t take it anymore!!!!”  Tiger fans nod knowingly.

November 2 - At a joyous parade Mookie Betts announces he has signed a 10 year, $600 million contract on the heels of his triple crown season.  Most observers agree he is being vastly underpaid.

November 5 - Mookie Betts is named MVP, Cy Young, Rookie of the Year, Roland’s Relief Ace and Comeback Player of the Year.  Aaron Boone is named Manager of the Year and is promptly fired by Hal Steinbrenner.

November 21 - The Sox sign Xander Bogaerts to a 12 year contract for the minimum salary.  Bogaerts says “yeah, I’m giving up some money, but Mookie man, I get to watch Mookie.”

December 2 - At a moving service for Dave Dombrowski former Red Sox Jonathan Papelbon, Bob Stanley, Bill Campbell and Heathcliff Slocumb have simultaneous heart attacks.  Tiger fans nod knowingly.

December 15 - The Sox fire Dave O’Brien and hire Don Orsillo to replace him.  Red Sox Nation is cheered.

December 31 - Following his 27-2, 1.26 season the Sox sign Rick Porcello to a 5 year, $100 million contract.  Sox Therapy reader Scott loses his mind.

Absurd Joey Blotto Posted: January 01, 2019 at 12:05 AM | 7 comment(s) Login to Bookmark
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Reader Comments and Retorts

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Statements posted here are those of our readers and do not represent the BaseballThinkFactory. Names are provided by the poster and are not verified. We ask that posters follow our submission policy. Please report any inappropriate comments.

   1. karlmagnus Posted: January 01, 2019 at 04:59 PM (#5801591)
Boy, I really like that Porcello signing. After his 2019 season, he's headed straight for the Hall of Fame!
   2. villageidiom Posted: January 01, 2019 at 10:28 PM (#5801628)
I appreciate that you kept it positive, and omitted Pedroia returning to the DL on July 19.
   3. Absurd Joey Blotto Posted: January 02, 2019 at 09:24 AM (#5801672)
Gotta stay upbeat.
   4. Darren Posted: January 06, 2019 at 08:19 PM (#5802928)
Looks like Britton will be somone else's problem. :)
   5. Bad Fish Posted: January 07, 2019 at 11:13 PM (#5803325)
Jose, This is fantastic!

On January 1st, I was shoveling out of 2.5 feet of snow.
   6. Absurd Joey Blotto Posted: January 08, 2019 at 01:17 PM (#5803460)
Thanks!

We really haven't had snow yet (a couple dustings only). It's good and bad. Good because I dislike snow, bad because it means spring will likely be delayed.
   7. The Anthony Kennedy of BBTF (Scott) Posted: January 08, 2019 at 07:18 PM (#5803549)
December 31 - Following his 27-2, 1.26 season the Sox sign Rick Porcello to a 5 year, $100 million contract. Sox Therapy reader Scott loses his mind.


HE'S STILL A BUM.

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