Tank for Kumar? With the grand prize of Vanderbilt’s Rocker on the line, it’s bottom or bust for the Rangers

Tardius, Minus, Kumar!

Slower, Lower, Kumar!

That’s Kumar as in Kumar Rocker, Vanderbilt’s man-mountain of a pitcher and the grand prize awaiting baseball’s most abysmal team in next year’s draft.

Before getting your holier-than-thou hackles up, simmer down. Now’s no time for the faint of heart or stomach. Don’t tell me tanking sets a bad example for the kids. Shame on you for letting your kids watch these Rangers in the first place.

Besides, it’s not like we thought of it first. Already hashtags are circulating nation-wide as fans realize there could actually be a pot of gold at the end of this pandemic. #TankforKumar is the politest of the campaigns. In the interests of keeping it kid-friendly, go with #KumarRanger. In a sign of good faith, I’ll even sign over the marketing rights.

You’re welcome.

The rest is up to the Rangers, and, frankly, even though they’re among five teams in the race to the bottom, they’re off to a slow start. Over the weekend, they played some of their best ball at the worst time, splitting a series with Oakland. This simply won’t do. Losing four to the A’s not only would have put the Rangers on Pittsburgh’s tail with two weeks left, it wouldn’t have so much as raised Rob Manfred’s eyebrow.