I guess Derek Smalls will not be attending Orioles games this year.

Halfway through the headline, I was certain the end was going to be "as manager".

But if they do this, they won't be able to make sure you're not bringing in plastic water bottles.

The system goes online August 4th, 2022. Human decisions are removed from ballpark security. Skynet begins to learn at a geometric rate. It becomes self-aware at 2:14 a.m. Eastern time, August 29th. In a panic, they try to pull the plug.

Red Sox GM Brian O'Halloran sees phone call from Baltimore.

"Mike Elias! Its been a while. What's new?"

"I am looking for Connor Wong."

But if they do this, they won't be able to make sure you're not bringing in plastic water bottles.

I hope things haven't changed. It's been a couple years since I went to an Orioles game, but one thing that I always liked about them is that they DID let you bring in food and drinks.

A month before 9/11 I entered Camden Yards with a backpack filled with all my clothes and toiletries for the weekend. I had arrived the day before on a charter bus trip from Boston, but the bus wouldn't arrive back in Boston until well after the start of work the next day, and I'd just started a new job the week before and had no time off yet. My plan was to attend the game, then take the light rail from Camden Yards to BWI, and fly Southwest for like $25 to get back home. Anyway, security was perplexed when they saw my bag, but they eventually let me in after a brief inspection of the backpack.

I ended up having to leave the game early because Rod Beck went into the 9th with a 6-run lead and was determined to piss it away. (Narrator: he didn't.) It ended up being Jimy Williams' last win as Red Sox manager.

A sufficiently advanced neural net should easily be able to flag and warn any potential attendees who were intending to see a major league baseball team play.

Orioles to sign Jose Siri

Orioles to sign Jose Siri

They already have Alexa Wells.

The unobtrusive system could ease and speed up security checks at the ballpark, reducing the need for emptying pockets at metal detectors, bag checks and pat-downs…

Alternatively — and hear me out here — we could just say, "Hey, this is just security theater; there isn't a need for emptying pockets at metal detectors, bag checks, or pat downs."

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What's the training set?

#11. Are you kidding?
This is the golden era of enforcing pointless obedience.
How can you be sure that you've reduced average citizens to the status of serfs if you don't flex your muscles and force them to submit to your rituals of security and healthcare theater?

I hope things haven't changed. It's been a couple years since I went to an Orioles game, but one thing that I always liked about them is that they DID let you bring in food and drinks.

Things have changed.

Because of Covid, doncha know. Not because they're trying to suck every nickel out of the few fans that still attend games in person.